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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Serious break down in communication with in laws

30 replies

dd207 · 26/11/2021 14:15

Hello,

Posting here as I didn't know where to go. I've had a significant problem with my in laws for some time and can't take it any more.

Me and my partner are not married but have been together for a long time 9+ years.

We met while young and at university. He is from a stable family and my family were imploding at the time (parents divorced, my Dad in a deep depression and my mum suffering from bipolar.)

Because of that I've not been to close to my own parents and have tried to forge an independent path.

A few years into the relationship with my partner at a meal, his father told me he was going to "block any development in my relationship with their son" as they didn't feel they knew enough about my family.

It's a moment that will always haunt me and I felt terrible. To my shame, I chose not to tell my partner about the incident - as we had just moved in together, I was 25 had a new job in London and I was trying to deal with a lot of stress in life at the time.

After that I received lots of micro aggressions from my partners father, he wouldn't speak to me or he would ignore me and give me bad looks. He wouldn't make me feel welcome.

I told my partner that about de facto FIL ignoring me, but he brushed it off.

Everything came to a head when it was MIL 60th birthday. I had contributed financially to a big present and birthday video, but forgot to bring a card on the day.

FIL wrote an email to my partner saying they were disappointed I didn't bring a card and don't want me to visit their house any more.

I am upset and hurt. I don't know what to do any more. I've tried to keep up appearances for the sake of my partner, but am tired of being shunned.

What would you do?

OP posts:
QueenAdreena · 26/11/2021 14:20

I’d tell FIL to fuck off and then just do whatever I wanted to please myself. I definitely wouldn’t be pandering to people who treated me like that.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 26/11/2021 14:21

Sit down and talk with your DP.

Be honest, don't sugar coat it and tell him that the 2 of you need to work out how you are going to navigate his father's active hostility.

If he can't or won't be proactive you then have to decide what you want to do for yourself.

It's shit, but you can work it out. Good luck

Juno231 · 26/11/2021 14:22

This is more of an OH problem by the sounds of it. What is he doing to have your back? None of this should be handled by you and he shouldn't be tolerating any kind of disrespect towards you.

Please set some boundaries for yourself and don't allow people to treat you this way - FIL sounds terrible!

HollowTalk · 26/11/2021 14:23

Why do you avoid telling your partner about this?

Are you serious about your partner? Would you like to marry him and have children? You realise how shit your life would be as far as your ILs are concerned, don't you? They sound absolutely horrible - please consider seriously whether you want to stay with him.

SpindlesWhorl · 26/11/2021 14:28

Why didn't your DP tell him to fuck off about his ridiculous email?

Also why were you supposed to bring a separate card? Did your DP not write your name in the card he gave? Are you a couple or not?

Original poster
dd207 · 26/11/2021 14:30

You're right. I guess it's because FIL is known for having a temper, and after dealing with my own family I didn't have the energy to face this too.

Right now I don't ever want to see him again, and I want my DP to stand up for me. He buries his head under the sand because I think he's afraid of his Dad.

OP posts:
Santaischeckinglists · 26/11/2021 14:33

Stop protecting your dp from he truth about his df. And tell him you won't be in fil's company again.

canigooutyet · 26/11/2021 14:34

Hopefully now he's seen what a tosser his father is your dp now has your back when you tell fil to fuck off, your dp forgot to sort the card as well.

If mil is nice I would carry on with contact but I would flatly refuse to have anything to do with him. See how he likes being ignored. I also wouldn't put a penny on anything for him, not even a cheap card.

unname · 26/11/2021 14:38

Does your DP think it’s reasonable to ban someone for forgetting to bring a card?

Staryflight445 · 26/11/2021 14:41

What’s your partners opinion on his dads email?

Original poster
dd207 · 26/11/2021 14:49

He knows it’s wrong.

Him and his brothers have received horrible emails over the years from their father over other gripes (university and career choices) and feel it’s ‘normal’ to a certain extent.

My concern is becoming more with my DP, be thinks this will blow over and he wants to build bridges because he is close to his mum and doesn’t want to lose that relationship.

I’m trying to tell him that this is an awful situation for me and I want him to care more about how I feel.

OP posts:
Staryflight445 · 26/11/2021 14:54

That’s awful, i think you need to stand your ground op. It’s unacceptable behaviour and him just ignoring it is quite frankly pathetic and can you imagine if you went on to have a family with him.

Didimum · 26/11/2021 14:56

Your partner needs to remove himself from this toxic family. He needs to have your back 100% against this, or you should be gone.

canigooutyet · 26/11/2021 14:57

Would it be possible to see his mum without his father around or would this cause issues for her?
I would be finding ways to let her know she doesn't have to put up with his temper. THere are steps she can take, I say this as chances are she is taking the brunt of his behaviour. Not that this is your problem to fix.

Dp would be told I will not be making any bridges. However, I will be there to support him and if daddy dearest starts I will not be staying quiet.

I would also suggest blocking him from contacting you.
If in his company and he turns violent I would be contacting police just like you would if it was a complete stranger.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/11/2021 15:01

What Didimum wrote.

Your partner does indeed know its wrong but his own inertia when it comes to his parents hurts him as well as you. His mother also enables her husband.

I would really consider whether you want to stay with your partner at all because you will be thrown continuously under the bus by him.

EKGEMS · 26/11/2021 15:12

You can't build a fucking bridge if the person on the other side has lit it upon fire

Elieza · 26/11/2021 15:18

My friend married a man like that. His parents were all about background and what would people think, and wouldn’t speak to her because she was a different religion and they thought he could do better. He was unable to stand up to them. I wonder if it’s a traditional cultural thing? The guy I refer to happens to be Indian.

Exactly what difference does it make what your parents are like or have achieved. Whether your parents are lazy and hopeless or a brain surgeon and doctor, or very nice or murderers, it’s not your parents the guy is dating! It’s you!

You have a DP problem because he is weak. He should be able to stand up for himself. He can’t. He’s been raised like that. Probably by a mother living in fear of her bully husband. Sad.

You either have to accept that he’s weak and pathetic and stay, or leave. I doubt he will change. It’s been drummed into him. You’ll probably find if they have money that they will tell him he’s disinherited if he marries you. He will likely obey them.

So I don’t think there is mid ground here with the father although there may be with the mother of you can both see her without the father.

Sorry you’re going through this.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 26/11/2021 15:19

A friend of mine told his father that if he continued to treat the friends wife badly there would be no more contact. It did the trick and IMO is the only way to deal with this. If your DP wont - then I am sorry.

Pascal80 · 26/11/2021 15:31

For whatever reason, the father does not think you are good enough for his son, does not like you and is clearly suspicious of you and does not want you to marry or have a family with his son.

If he liked you, your background or whatever would not matter a bit.

You've been seeing his son for 9 years but not married or children, so the man is obviously hoping this long relationship extending back to student days and without any cast-iron commitment after all that time will fizzle out. Only your partner can fix this with his father.

Monalotmoore · 26/11/2021 15:42

Personally I'd tell your partner about what his father said all those years ago.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/11/2021 15:44

Tell your partner to picture the scene in 10 or 12 years time if when children are around. Does he want his father to be seen to be ignoring the mother of these children? Does he think it is acceptable? Would he be carrying on the trait to be treating his children the same way (as he learns by example) and the loved ones of his children?

If he hasn't thought of it in that way, ask him. What would his answers be to those questions. Then you have to decide how you both either together or separately carry on from here.

purpleme12 · 26/11/2021 15:46

Yes tell your partner the truth!!
Also a card should be from both and if anybody's responsibility it should be your partner's not yours so no idea why this was even a reason to have a go at you...!
You need to stop caring what they think and stand up to them

Original poster
dd207 · 26/11/2021 15:46

Thanks everyone, I’ve found myself doubting my own thoughts the past few days, but this has given me more courage to stand up for myself.

To his credit DP isn’t really like his Dad, he’s more king and generous. His brothers often talk about the unacceptable behaviour from their dad, but don’t do anything about it.

I’ve been scared to rock the boat, but I have to stand up fro myself and DP has to also.

OP posts:
Kite22 · 26/11/2021 16:03

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

Sit down and talk with your DP.

Be honest, don't sugar coat it and tell him that the 2 of you need to work out how you are going to navigate his father's active hostility.

If he can't or won't be proactive you then have to decide what you want to do for yourself.

It's shit, but you can work it out. Good luck

This is good advice.

He thinks this will blow over and he wants to build bridges because he is close to his mum and doesn’t want to lose that relationship

You need to get him to understand, and clearly explain to his Mum that he really wants to have a good relationship with her, but he is not going to put up with his Father's bullying behaviour anymore. It will be difficult for his Mum, but she can still have a relationship with her ds, unless she chooses to let her husband bully her and dictate what happens in her life too.
You need to let your dp know this is serious and that he needs to understand this is not acceptable behaviour from his father and that it won't 'go away' if he (and his siblings) continue to ignore it.

layladomino · 29/11/2021 19:20

How come you got the blame for you and DP not bringing a card? It's DP's mum do if anyone was to get the blame it should be him. But who gets worked up about a card???

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