Serious break down in communication with in laws

[dd207]

Hello,

Posting here as I didn't know where to go. I've had a significant problem with my in laws for some time and can't take it any more.

Me and my partner are not married but have been together for a long time 9+ years.

We met while young and at university. He is from a stable family and my family were imploding at the time (parents divorced, my Dad in a deep depression and my mum suffering from bipolar.)

Because of that I've not been to close to my own parents and have tried to forge an independent path.

A few years into the relationship with my partner at a meal, his father told me he was going to "block any development in my relationship with their son" as they didn't feel they knew enough about my family.

It's a moment that will always haunt me and I felt terrible. To my shame, I chose not to tell my partner about the incident - as we had just moved in together, I was 25 had a new job in London and I was trying to deal with a lot of stress in life at the time.

After that I received lots of micro aggressions from my partners father, he wouldn't speak to me or he would ignore me and give me bad looks. He wouldn't make me feel welcome.

I told my partner that about de facto FIL ignoring me, but he brushed it off.

Everything came to a head when it was MIL 60th birthday. I had contributed financially to a big present and birthday video, but forgot to bring a card on the day.

FIL wrote an email to my partner saying they were disappointed I didn't bring a card and don't want me to visit their house any more.

I am upset and hurt. I don't know what to do any more. I've tried to keep up appearances for the sake of my partner, but am tired of being shunned.

What would you do?

They don’t sound that stable to be honest.

I’m so sorry, you do not deserve for them to treat you like this.

@blackcatclub

They don’t sound that stable to be honest.

I’m so sorry, you do not deserve for them to treat you like this.

I imagine they are very stable as long as nobody questions Mr Authoritarian Emails Arsehole . His whole family have been conditioned to let fil behave like this and while you may have a chance of DP waking up the rest of them won’t. In fact if your DP does grow a pair and stand up to him the whole family will probably turn on him like a pack of dogs so they don’t have to admit the truth to themselves. You should talk to DP but at the very least you should make it very clear that you have no interest in a relationship of any kind with his Father.

My de facto FIL is an arsehole, too.

He took against me from the start because I'm a divorced, foreign, Catholic woman who is 3 years older than my partner (engaged once, never married). Like you, my family imploded 30 odd years ago - I've been NC with my father since then and LC with my mother for 25 years. I live on the other side of the world from my mother, deliberately.

FIL is what I call a 'performance' parent - everything is for show, to show off to other people - especially relatives. The truth of relationships are ignored or hidden. He has to look like the perfect family man, and of course the perfect family man doesn't have a DIL who doesn't give a flying fuck about family, does he? (He's made it clear that's what he thinks of me).

My FIL seems incapable of realising that, as I'm 53, he gets absolutely zero fucking say over any aspect of my life. Frankly, what I do/don't do is none of his fucking business. Like @Hoppinggreen says: You should talk to DP but at the very least you should make it very clear that you have no interest in a relationship of any kind with his Father.

That's exactly what I have done. I would never stop my partner from seeing his parents...but I don't have any need to. I've been with my partner for 12 years and haven't seen them for 7. Living 200 miles away helps.

Your mistake is thinking his family isn't as batshit as yours.

Boundaries & stand up for yourself. Otherwise it's a DP problem.

@Wombat69

Your mistake is thinking his family isn't as batshit as yours.

Boundaries & stand up for yourself. Otherwise it's a DP problem.

This 100%