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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do I do

31 replies

Confused198 · 26/11/2021 09:28

Last night dp asked for a bj. I said no as it was late and I just wanted to go to sleep. He kept on asking and asking and I kept saying no. He then pushed my head down by my neck to his ‘area’ then pulled me up by my hair. He did this at least 4 times. I told him to stop but he kept doing it and in the end I ended up screaming at him. My neck was sore and my hair where he had pulled me up was hurting too. He’s not speaking to me at the moment for screaming at him and now I feel as if I’m in the wrong. But at the same time I feel sick thinking about what he was doing. I know what he did is wrong on so many levels but I feel because he is my partner that it’s normal and I should allow even though I know it’s notSad I’m so hurt by this and can’t believe he did this to me. I just don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 26/11/2021 09:29

He would be my exdp if he did that to me

What a dickhead...

What has he said about it this morning

Sarahlou63 · 26/11/2021 09:32

I feel because he is my partner that it’s normal and I should allow

Easily fixed - make him your ex-partner and it becomes an even more clearcut case of sexual assault.

MrzClaus · 26/11/2021 09:32

OP, I'm really sorry but that sounds like assault.

Are you out of the house away from him today? Do you have someone you can talk to or potentially stay with tonight to avoid being around him?

If he's not talking to you it sounds like he may be trying to guilt trip you and turn this round on you for shouting - you did the right thing, I'd also shout at someone assaulting me.

Are you able to take some time to clear your head today?

TeeBee · 26/11/2021 09:32

He's lucky it was you then. If that was me, he'd still be lying there unconscious! Why the hell are you even considering that this is in any way acceptable!!?? Isn't it obvious what you should do? Kick him to the curb. No decent man worth being with would have done this. He has shown his true colours in that one act alone.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 26/11/2021 09:36

He is not entitled to any part of your body because he is your partner or husband.

You said no and he should have respected that.

What he did was abusive, and his sulking is just prolonging that abuse.

I would get rid of the prick personally. What he did was very wrong and you were no way at fault for shouting.

Original poster
Confused198 · 26/11/2021 09:36

@Outbutnotoutout Well he’s at work but I text him explaining why I shouted and how he’s made me feel but he’s read and not replied

@TeeBee Deep down I know it isn’t acceptable but I guess I’m making excuses for him for some reasonSad

@MrzClaus He’s at work all day and I’m going out shopping later with my mum so I don’t have to face him for a good few hours. I wouldn’t tell anybody about this in real life

OP posts:
MrzClaus · 26/11/2021 09:40

@Confused198 Glad you're out of the house! Would you be able to tell your mum there's been an argument and potentially stay with her tonight? Or do you have the funds for a hotel at all? Any other friends to stay with?

I know it's hard to talk about this in real life, because it makes it seem more "real" and once you've told someone you can't take it back. Maybe you can be unspecific and just say there was a disagreement?

Bonheurdupasse · 26/11/2021 09:42

Please tell your mum

CagneyNYPD1 · 26/11/2021 09:44

You were right to shout at him to make him stop. It was your right to say no.

What he did was very, very wrong. Criminally wrong. Abusive.

You have every right to make your own decisions about what happens next. I strongly suspect that he has eroded your confidence in your ability to make your own decisions and choices.

The choice is yours. You can go to the police or speak to Women's Aid. You can kick him out.

You can stay and keep the peace. But if you do choose this, he will think that you are OK with what happened. He will do it again.

Mabelface · 26/11/2021 09:45

If I were your mum, I'd want you to tell me so I could look after and support you. Please tell your mum, the embarrassment is his, not yours.

CagneyNYPD1 · 26/11/2021 09:46

If this happened to your friend, what would you advise her to do?

TeeBee · 26/11/2021 09:53

Do not keep this to yourself OP! The shame is his, not yours. You need to tell people. Its terrible that he has done this to you and you need support.

It really scares me to hear how much appalling treatment some people put up with. Are you in a position to either kick him out or walk away?

user1471457751 · 26/11/2021 09:57

Report him to the police as he sexually assaulted you. End the relationship. Tell people - you did nothing wrong and have nothing to be embarrassed about

Honeyroar · 26/11/2021 10:00

He did it to to you four times!!! Not even once, which would be bad enough, but four times! And he doesn’t care that you’re upset, plus is trying to make you feel like you’re in the wrong. He’s atrocious. He treats you like an object. You really shouldn’t keep all that to yourself. You know it’s wrong. Don’t let him get away with it.

Claphands · 26/11/2021 10:00

This is attempted rape, does that clarify that he is in the wrong and not you?

Please think about going to the police about this.

Triffid1 · 26/11/2021 10:02

Him attempting to physically force you into a sexual act is sexual assault. That is very very bad.

To be honest though, I'm equally concerned about the fact that he is now playing the victim because you "shouted" at him. WTAF? OP - he was in the wrong. He was using physical force on you. You were defending yourself by screaming.

This will escalate. Especially if, as I think may well happen, you find yourself apologising for shouting. And then feeling obliged to give him a blowjob.

Please please please please see this as the massive problem it is and leave right now. Don't go shopping with your mum but instead, pack up your stuff (or his, depending on the situation) and move out/ kick him out. You don't mention children with him so I'm hoping a clean break is relatively easy.

Mischance · 26/11/2021 10:08

now I feel as if I’m in the wrong.

Of course you are not in the wrong and do not let him convince you that you were.

Truly this is a relationship that needs to end. No-one deserves to be treated like that. He is completely out of order.

I know it is hard but you need to make your plans to leave - and your mum might be a good ally to help you to do that. Tell her what he did, and let her help you.

Please do not stay with this man. He is an abuser. Go now - straight away - before he has a chance to turn your mind and convince you it was OK - it was not.

Buildingthefuture · 26/11/2021 10:08

Op this is just awful….I’m so sorry this happened to you. I am usually the last person on here to say LTB, but in this case, he has to go! How DARE HE abuse you like that? It seems your first instinct is to keep the peace but I would strongly recommend you call the police and take immediate steps to get this vile shitbag out of your life. He hurt you whilst trying to get you to perform a sex act against your will. He’s an abuser at best and you need protection and support to get him out of your life. Tell the police & your mum and NEVER be alone with him again.

Nanny0gg · 26/11/2021 11:23

[quote Confused198]@Outbutnotoutout Well he’s at work but I text him explaining why I shouted and how he’s made me feel but he’s read and not replied

@TeeBee Deep down I know it isn’t acceptable but I guess I’m making excuses for him for some reasonSad

@MrzClaus He’s at work all day and I’m going out shopping later with my mum so I don’t have to face him for a good few hours. I wouldn’t tell anybody about this in real life[/quote]
So there was no suggestion of mutual love and care? He just wanted a 'service' whether you were up for it or not.

I assume this is fairly usual behaviour from him?

You really need to leave him. What is your financial/family/housing situation?

WheekestLink · 26/11/2021 11:38

This is disgusting, I'm so sorry this happened to you. I would have to end it, although that's letting him off lightly in my opinion - he wouldn't be alive if he'd done that to me.

I'm curious, why have you explained why you shouted? You do realise he is abusive?

pompomsgalore · 26/11/2021 11:40

What's the house set up? Rented or owned and in whose names?

Can you leave easily or get him to leave easily.

There would be no coming back from this.

Shoxfordian · 26/11/2021 15:41

Is it your house? Pack his shit up and move him out if you can. He’s sexually assaulted you

SameToo · 26/11/2021 15:55

It’s sexual assault. He’s sulking with you for shouting because once you shouted he realised he fucked up so minimised by making you the bad guy. He’s vile.

Deela14 · 26/11/2021 16:13

You wouldnt of had to scream if he just listened and respected your first "no".

Dont feel bad because his pushed your boundaries.

Be glad you stood up for yourself. Be angry at him because he is a dick and a horn dog who in the moment considers nothing else but his dick.

This is how rape happens.

HollowTalk · 26/11/2021 16:16

How well do you get on with your Mum? Can you confide in her?

Is your house owned or rented? If it's rented, whose name is on the lease?

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