I've never had a one night stand

[Bobbie1976]

Hi

I posted in another thread about my friend who is having an affair. WELL today I found out that she is also seeing two other men while still being married as well as melting me every day about the affair guy.

Anyway - what I wanted to ask is this - I have never had a one night stand. Have had 3 serious relationships who have been my only sexual partners. Presently I am hoping to start a relationship with a man I've known for a few years. We get on very very well and I have strong feelings for him and I have heard that he likes me too. There is definitely something between us and I feel he is worth waiting for. He's been very badly hurt recently and we want to take our time.

Anyway, this woman has placed doubts in my head that I should be out having one night stands, having sex while I 'wait' for him and it's all things I do not want to do. I love this man and I want him to be my next sexual partner I have no doubt about that.

I am 45 and it seems I am incredibly naive. Am I pathetic for not sleeping around?

Thank you for any advice.

@Bobbie1976 Is he still living with his wife? Either way, I would see certain things he's saying as red flags.

There’s no “should” when it comes to this sort of thing - how many partners, long term relationships etc

I’ve never had a one night stand if you only count piv as sex - sort of had a couple at uni (with guys I knew) if you count other stuff. Otherwise I’m the same as you - sex only in the three long or longish term relationships I had. Shame one was exh!

Lots and lots of people haven't had ONS - that's fine, everyone's lives are different.
You just do you - don't worry about anyone else.
At your age you shouldn't give a flying fuck about anyones else's opinion about your life!

Your friend is talking complete bollocks. Sounds like she wants you to fuck about like she does in order to match her fucking around. Addicts do the same. Want everyone else to do what they are doing. Ignore her. Wishing you all the best x

Thanks everyone who has been positive about this x

@Bobbie1976
OP - you seem to be having quite strong reactions to anything that doesn’t fit your romanticised idea the situation.
And, for a 45yo woman, you sound like a teenager. I am sorry.
And your update makes it even more clear that you are in a some sort of a dream land.

Being ‘in love’ with someone requires actually knowing them. What you seem to be describing is a crush.
As it is - you haven’t even had a conversation about you two - and you are relying on what he possibly had said to other people about you.
He isn’t even aware you are there waiting for him. Or that you think they after he is through the divorce - that you two are supposed to consummate the love story you have created in your head.

Look - I am not saying any of this to be nasty. But you are putting your life on hold for very little at the moment.
He is going through difficult divorce. He may have said to someone at some point that he liked you - but I think you took it to mean more than it is.
People may say all kinds of things. But it’s what they do that matters.

If he actually wanted to be with you - he’d be telling you, not other people about it. He’d be leaving his marriage to be with YOU. And he’d be actually talking to YOU about it.

It is possible that after dust settles you two may have a relationship. But it’s in no way a given that it’s going that way.
And if I were you - I’d not put my life on hold.

[quote MMmomDD]@Bobbie1976
OP - you seem to be having quite strong reactions to anything that doesn’t fit your romanticised idea the situation.
And, for a 45yo woman, you sound like a teenager. I am sorry.
And your update makes it even more clear that you are in a some sort of a dream land.

Being ‘in love’ with someone requires actually knowing them. What you seem to be describing is a crush.
As it is - you haven’t even had a conversation about you two - and you are relying on what he possibly had said to other people about you.
He isn’t even aware you are there waiting for him. Or that you think they after he is through the divorce - that you two are supposed to consummate the love story you have created in your head.

Look - I am not saying any of this to be nasty. But you are putting your life on hold for very little at the moment.
He is going through difficult divorce. He may have said to someone at some point that he liked you - but I think you took it to mean more than it is.
People may say all kinds of things. But it’s what they do that matters.

If he actually wanted to be with you - he’d be telling you, not other people about it. He’d be leaving his marriage to be with YOU. And he’d be actually talking to YOU about it.

It is possible that after dust settles you two may have a relationship. But it’s in no way a given that it’s going that way.
And if I were you - I’d not put my life on hold.[/quote]
I'm sorry I said anything at all. I work with him and have known him for 6 years and know him pretty well.

He rang me recently and we talked on the phone for 5 hours. He said that I would be the only woman he would consider marrying once this is done.

I'm not putting my life on hold, I just mentioned him in the context of this conversation because I was trying to explain that I didn't want to have a one night stand. I'm living my life, going to work, socialising, travelling. I don't put my life on hold for anyone.

I just happen to have fallen in love with my friend. He knows I love him because I've told him. He knows where we are at. He just can't do anything about it at the moment because his wife owns the house they live in (her family are wealthy) and he has to play by the rules to get what he is owed.

I am sorry you think I'm like a teenager. I have been very poorly treated in the past and just happen to have fallen in love for the first time in years. I'm not expecting anything. For now it's enough for me to know how I feel about him, but I'm just getting on with it and have a very busy life.

My Mum died just over a year ago too so I'm doing my best. Sorry.

Bobbie, you sound sad and down. I am sorry about the recent loss of your mother.

ONSs aren’t for everyone. Some people seem to enjoy it. Others aren’t interested.
Given your history - only 3 sexual partners in total - it’s unlikely you will turn into someone who can have sex with a stranger you meet at a bar.

I am not a ONS person either - generally I want to get to know a person a bit before having sex. And that requires more than meeting up at a party and having a conversation over a drink.

That said - there have been a few times in my life where I had sex with someone only once/twice, back in my single days. I worked on projects and traveled a lot - so sometimes we’d get close with a colleague and things happened. But it wasn’t going to turn into relationships.

Back to your current situation. I am with the sceptics on that as well.
You clearly are very much into the man. But I don’t think he is at the same place.
And he is keeping close by feeding you what you want to hear.
Why is he going around and telling your common friends /(or you) - that you are the only woman he’d consider marrying?
People going through painful divorces - as you seem to suggest - normally swear off marriages, and don’t imagine next marriage. At least while the stress and pain is that intense.

Secondly - financial settlement, and rights to the marital home are not at all dependent on him seeing someone or not. If they are actually even going through divorce.
And if they aren’t - again - there is no punitive impact on financials if someone is unfaithful.

Finally - you have worked together for 6 years? And that common attraction / something special hasn’t lead anywhere in all that time? Hmmm

If I were your friend - I’d not be encouraging you to have ONSs. I’d be gently suggesting dating sites, or introducing you to single friends. I think you are a bit over invested in this guy and I don’t think it’ll turn out into what you are hoping for.