I've never had a one night stand

[Bobbie1976]

Hi

I posted in another thread about my friend who is having an affair. WELL today I found out that she is also seeing two other men while still being married as well as melting me every day about the affair guy.

Anyway - what I wanted to ask is this - I have never had a one night stand. Have had 3 serious relationships who have been my only sexual partners. Presently I am hoping to start a relationship with a man I've known for a few years. We get on very very well and I have strong feelings for him and I have heard that he likes me too. There is definitely something between us and I feel he is worth waiting for. He's been very badly hurt recently and we want to take our time.

Anyway, this woman has placed doubts in my head that I should be out having one night stands, having sex while I 'wait' for him and it's all things I do not want to do. I love this man and I want him to be my next sexual partner I have no doubt about that.

I am 45 and it seems I am incredibly naive. Am I pathetic for not sleeping around?

Thank you for any advice.

Oh, for fucks sake. I'm 70, nearly 71. I've had ons, I've had long term relationship with decent guys, I've had long term relationship with less than decent guys.

I'm not going to lay on my death bed worrying about these.

I may have fucked some unreasonable people, but I've always loved those closest to me.

I don't care who likes, or doesn't, my choices. Many may have been unwise, but most hurt only me.

The one I really really regret, was the "decent" one, who hurt y family. I didn't see that one coming.

You aren't unusual. I've never had a ONS and I'm pretty certain none of my closest friends have. And why on earth would you feel bad about it? It's not like having a ONS is something to aspite to; an achiement. It's very easy to do if you want to, but more likely to end up with bad feelings / disappointment than contentment.

I’ve also never had a one night stand. It’s nothing wrong with not wanting to sleep around or have sex with complete strangers.

Your friend is projecting. The saying “misery loves company”. If someone is doing something high risk and trying to get you to go along and also engage with it, it’s a high chance that they aren’t happy doing that behaviour. One night stands are pretty high risk behaviour. If it’s not for you then it’s not for you and that’s perfectly fine.

Your friend needs to mind her own business and worry about her own sex life. Not yours.

I had a couple ONS in my mid 20s. I honestly dont think they are that common as none of my friends have had one, or they are too embarrassed to admit it. I dont think it matter either way you go. It doesn't make one person any better than another person if you have one or not.

I had my first one last week, I’m 42. But for me it’s not even a one night stand as we still texting and hope I can see him again.
Plus why do that when you hope to be with someone you have feeling for?
In fact, I don’t like ONS as I get feelings straight away. And would feel awful if the guy never contacted me ever again. So in fact, it’s not for me.
Well my first time, I mean first time I slept with a guy, was a ONS but only cos I was too embarrassed to talk to him the following day.

Not pathetic at all.

I've only had one sexual partner, married and 2 kids. I intend on him being the first and last.

Of course you aren't. Sorry I don't want to sound harsh by saying that but there's no 'right'. It's basically about physical pleasure without the strings - that won't be for everyone but likewise it's fine if it is.

Had a couple of one night stands when younger, I found them exciting (although not physically satisfying) at the time but very depressing and lonely-making immediately afterward. I mean the very nature of it is having sex with someone you have no long term compatibility with and who has no affection for you.

Avoid!

You're good at long term relationships and this is what you want so why are you taking love life advice from someone that doesn't want one?

FWIW if you like long term relationships you'll probably hate having a one night stand.

I've probably had a few ONS and I'd say by definition a ONS would tend to be a bit shit. If it was any good the lovers would exchange numbers etc to arrange a replay (even if it is just sex.)

Some people might like the 'dirtiness'/wildness of a deliberate ONS I guess.

It sounds like your friend is trying to justify her behaviour by saying everyone should do it. The truth is her marriage is probably doomed if she carries on how she's going- and that isn't an outcome you would be looking for for yourself. So don't follow her glorious example of how to live- it's not going to end well.

You should do what feels right to you regarding your life - sex or otherwise.

However - I sort of see some of her point regarding the guy you think you are in love with. ‘Been recently hurt’, ‘we are taking it slow’ has a potential to be a drawn out disaster.
If you were in your 20s, sure wait for a bit.
But given that he is a grown up mature man - I am sorry - you can wait a long time. And then he’ll move on with someone else new. You’ll be the friend who helped him through it.

Your best bet is to let him figure it all out by himself. While you live your life and not wait for him.

Being a backup gf is a nice setup for him. Not so much for you.

There are 2 sides to every story!

One night stands (probably better during the day than night to be honest) can be passionate, fun, create sparks with knickers dangling from the lampshade and amazingly exciting with hormones bubbling. Such occasions will send you off with a spring in your step.

There’s another side of the coin though, they can be alcohol induced, happen at a time of bad personal judgement, low self esteem and poor sex which makes you feel rubbish afterwards.

The there can be surprises along the way, my sister has been married for years to someone she thought would be a ONS, but they got together for more.

I don’t think one should particularly be on your bucket list though. If you are seriously contemplating a LTR with someone, it’s probably not the best time to consider further. Maybe there never will be a right time in your case. That’s no big deal.

You have given minimal information about the person you are waiting for, but l suggest you do ask yourself whether your expectations are realistic or not. Why can't this not start to happen now?

Thanks everyone so much for the great and supportive replies and for not judging me!

She's off to meet the one nighter tomorrow despite in the same breath telling me she's in love with the guy she was having the affair with and still plotting her revenge.

I think I will stick to my own morals and what makes me feel good. I'm in love with a man who I want to be with permanently. So I'm going to focus on that. I feel if I did anything like a one night stand now I'd be devaluing him and I love him too much to do that. I respect him too much to do that. I want him too much to do that!

Thank you everyone!

I don't feel it's fair to see it as 'odd'. I am looking for support and have admitted to being naive about these things. You don't know me, I've been through a LOT and there's a reason why I question my values. Please don't be so judgemental.

@Bobbie1976

Thanks everyone so much for the great and supportive replies and for not judging me!

She's off to meet the one nighter tomorrow despite in the same breath telling me she's in love with the guy she was having the affair with and still plotting her revenge.

I think I will stick to my own morals and what makes me feel good. I'm in love with a man who I want to be with permanently. So I'm going to focus on that. I feel if I did anything like a one night stand now I'd be devaluing him and I love him too much to do that. I respect him too much to do that. I want him too much to do that!

Thank you everyone!

Plotting revenge?!

@Milomonster

Why are you questioning your own values? There is no moral absolute on this issue. Such an odd question…

Above message was for you. Not really any need to say you found it odd.

@MMmomDD

You should do what feels right to you regarding your life - sex or otherwise.

However - I sort of see some of her point regarding the guy you think you are in love with. ‘Been recently hurt’, ‘we are taking it slow’ has a potential to be a drawn out disaster.
If you were in your 20s, sure wait for a bit.
But given that he is a grown up mature man - I am sorry - you can wait a long time. And then he’ll move on with someone else new. You’ll be the friend who helped him through it.

Your best bet is to let him figure it all out by himself. While you live your life and not wait for him.

Being a backup gf is a nice setup for him. Not so much for you.

He's married. He's going through a divorce. He has told a mutual friend that he loves me and that I am 'the only woman' he would like to marry once this is done. You don't know the full situation, sorry but you don't. I feel like shit now thanks.

@MMmomDD

You should do what feels right to you regarding your life - sex or otherwise.

However - I sort of see some of her point regarding the guy you think you are in love with. ‘Been recently hurt’, ‘we are taking it slow’ has a potential to be a drawn out disaster.
If you were in your 20s, sure wait for a bit.
But given that he is a grown up mature man - I am sorry - you can wait a long time. And then he’ll move on with someone else new. You’ll be the friend who helped him through it.

Your best bet is to let him figure it all out by himself. While you live your life and not wait for him.

Being a backup gf is a nice setup for him. Not so much for you.

And why does my age have to come into it?

My hopeful partner is married and his divorce isn't finalised. He is going through hell and a lot of abuse including physical.

I certainly don't think I am his back up and I certainly don't believe he will just move away from me and on to someone else.

Kinda sorry I brought this up at all.

Do what makes you happy OP. I've only ever slept with my husband and that suits me fine. Everyone's different!

Anyway, this woman has placed doubts in my head that I should be out having one night stands

'Shoulds' come from external evaluators. Who is imposing this 'should' on you? Why would you consider letting them do that?

@toolazytothinkofausername

I'm sure many people have never had a 1 night stand. I blame films/TV for projecting this image of sex that isn't true to real life.

This.

I'd be doubting the judgement of your friend, not you.

My hopeful partner is married and his divorce isn't finalised. He is going through hell and a lot of abuse including physical.

I certainly don't think I am his back up and I certainly don't believe he will just move away from me and on to someone else.

Kinda sorry I brought this up at all.

Sorry you're feeling sensitive about this, but I hope you are being realistic.

You say you've heard that he wants to be with you eventually? So you're waiting for him to be ready for a relationship at the word of a third party?

I don't think you should be off having one-night stands or whatever if that's not you - but I do think you might be putting too much weight on hearsay and hopes. I wouldn't put your life on hold for something that may not happen.

@QuiltedHippo

I married my only one night stand.... you're not pathetic at all, do what YOU want!

How does that work then? A ons is generally someone you sleep with and never see again.

@Chikapu intended ONS is more accurate I suppose, someone I genuinely never intended to get any more involved with

You're not missing out on much trust me!