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Original poster

What are you expectations from a partner when it's a 'big' birthday

35 replies

badhistory38 · 25/11/2021 12:14

I feel a bit let down, I have a big birthday coming up soon and I know my partner hasn't planned anything.
My DD has stepped up to the plate and we are organising a little city break for us both.
I am also going out for a family meal but that's it he hasn't contributed anything would you expect anything from your partner or am I being needy here?

OP posts:
whoisit12 · 25/11/2021 12:21

We were taking about this in work last week as a girl was upset about the effort her parents were making for hers

Personally I think it depends if you are a 'birthday' person or not, some people go all out for birthday whereas there are people like me who would absolutely hate a fuss no matter which age i was

If you're a birthday person and they aren't doing anything then yes I think that's shit

Original poster
badhistory38 · 25/11/2021 12:23

Unfortunately I am a birthday person however I know he hates shopping but I know he organised lots of holidays and breaks with his Ex wife so he is capable of this.

OP posts:
Sausagis · 25/11/2021 12:24

My husband is generally pretty useless but even he managed to cover the tent in "40" balloons (somewhat embarrassingly!)

Original poster
badhistory38 · 25/11/2021 12:27

I just want him to make a bit of an effort show me he cares no matter how small the gesture. He's just left it to my DD to get on with.

OP posts:
Salayes · 25/11/2021 12:34

@badhistory38

I just want him to make a bit of an effort show me he cares no matter how small the gesture. He's just left it to my DD to get on with.
My expectations on any birthday are this exactly. Doesn’t have to be big and fancy and expensive - but just something to show they’ve put some thought in and care about marking a special day, and want to show me love and consideration on that day.

Because if not, i’m wondering why they couldn’t even take an hour out of their day to choose a gift and make that effort.

mybroomstick · 25/11/2021 12:45

How long have you been together?

In terms of him arranging something what is it you were hoping for, a meal and a present type thing? Or a bigger fuss?

Aprilx · 25/11/2021 12:49

I am a birthday person, i have had two big birthdays since being with DH. I expect him to show up. 😁. I am happy to plan my own birthday.

Original poster
badhistory38 · 25/11/2021 12:51

@mybroomstick

How long have you been together?

In terms of him arranging something what is it you were hoping for, a meal and a present type thing? Or a bigger fuss?

A present at least (hopefully a bit more than he'd spend normally - which one one occasion was zero) He could at least a book a meal or a mini break as he's done in the past for others. He has a big birthday next year, it's actually fell on whilst we are on holiday.
OP posts:
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 25/11/2021 12:52

It's DH 40th in 18 months which is our big birthday together - I'm planning a weekend away for the family. Somewhere I know is directly relating to his hobby so clearly a weekend for him rather than just a holiday.

Original poster
badhistory38 · 25/11/2021 12:57

I should have planned this earlier I suppose, but I'm not one to be about me me me. I think I just want him to make a fuss of me which he most likely won't then I'll be disappointed.

OP posts:
OneRingToRuleThemAll · 25/11/2021 12:58

That should say our first big birthday together.

ElephantOfRisk · 25/11/2021 13:06

Neither DH or I are really birthday people. However for a big birthday we would start of with a discussion about what we would like to do or if there is anything we want. Usually this would mean either of us booking a meal or whatever. I'd also expect a surprise of some sort, not necessarily expensive but something that you didn't know about.

So for that type of thing I've been given photobooks, flowers, jewellery, nice alcohol or chocolates. I've given him similar or something else I know he'd like. This year it was his 60th. He got a car, however, it was time to renew it (11 years old) and we'd saved half the money already and he used a lump sum from an old pension to pay the rest. I wouldn't expect that for mine as we'll not need one.

Neither of us would appreciate a huge grand gesture such as party or a cruise or whatever.

That said DH completely forgot about my birthday this year but I really wasn't bothered. It was just a normal birthday and we've had a lot on.

In your case OP I'd be looking for the same as you, something to acknowledge that he understands that you are a birthday person and he's thought about you.

museumum · 25/11/2021 13:07

We would definitely discuss it together. I wouldn’t expect any sort of surprise - I’d say roughly what I’d like to do and he’d probably take over organisation but would consult with me. I see it as a celebration I have some responsibility for too not just something that I’m the recipient of.

Saysama · 25/11/2021 13:09

For my last (pre-lockdown) birthday, I got a long weekend city break, a trip to a spa, a Michelin starred dinner and some jewellery. I would expect, and generally get, a massive fuss. I made that very clear to him before the very first birthday I had during our relationship (I believe in making your expectations clear) and he’s always been great. I make a similar fuss over his, which he’s never had before, and really enjoys. Smile

You didn’t say how long you’d been together? Have you had other birthdays whilst you’ve been together? If so, how has he acted for those? Have you expressed to him that you’re a birthday person? What do you do for his birthdays (if he’s had any while you’ve been together)?

layladomino · 25/11/2021 13:10

To some extent it depends on whether you are a birthday person / a big celebration person, and that is something you tend to iron out as a couple early on.

It's about much more than spending money isn't it. It's about showing you care. I think if your DP is very caring year-round but a bit rubbish at choosing presents, I wouldn't be too worried about that. I'd plan something myself and tell them what I want to do to celebrate.

If your DP is generally thoughtless then that's another matter. In that case their lack of care on your birthday just underlines their lack of care all the time, and maybe your relationship has run its course.

And, if you're still together, don't make any more effort on his birthday than he'd make for yours. That isn't game-playing it's common sense. So if he says 'I'm just not a birthday person' he won't mind you not making a fuss on his.

Original poster
badhistory38 · 25/11/2021 13:11

I think it's the expectation my DD will handle everything, his lack of interest and responsibility. He just said yeah you should go on holiday with her it's a big birthday...so he has acknowledged that.

OP posts:
Scbchl · 25/11/2021 13:12

My husband always makes an effort for Christmas and birthdays not just big ones. Hel ask if there's anything in particular I'd like or to give ideas and if not hel get surprises. Wel go out for a meal or away for both our birthdays. For a big birthday he goes all out, already talking about going away somewhere really special for my 40th in 4 years, like the Maldives.

Scbchl · 25/11/2021 13:13

I'm sorry your husband hasn't done this, can you say to your daughter to maybe offer to help him with ideas and inspiration to surprise you?

BurbageBrook · 25/11/2021 13:14

I definitely expect a fuss but I told mine explicitly. Either a weekend away or an equivalent 'big' present plus some things to open, really. Plus a nice dinner.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/11/2021 13:16

I

FangsForTheMemory · 25/11/2021 13:16

I'm single but for myself I plan a holiday, and a special gift.

Original poster
badhistory38 · 25/11/2021 13:19

I just feel it shouldn't be up to my DD to take me away she'd just bought her first house so not exactly flushed, though I won't let her pay.
She'd told him he can't take me to the local Indian he loves as that wouldn't be fair. It doesn't help that I know he made a fuss of his ExW he took her for lots of weekends away. I think I am just craving the attention from him nothing else really.

OP posts:
RubyTuesday70 · 25/11/2021 13:20

DH can be very thoughtless around birthdays and Christmas.

I now take charge, and arrange things myself. He pays the bill, and I get a decent day.

RantyAunty · 25/11/2021 13:24

How long have you been together?

Original poster
badhistory38 · 25/11/2021 13:27

@RantyAunty

How long have you been together?
Nearly 3 years
OP posts: