What are you expectations from a partner when it's a 'big' birthday

[badhistory38]

I feel a bit let down, I have a big birthday coming up soon and I know my partner hasn't planned anything.
My DD has stepped up to the plate and we are organising a little city break for us both.
I am also going out for a family meal but that's it he hasn't contributed anything would you expect anything from your partner or am I being needy here?

What has he done for your other birthdays and what have you done for his?

What is his relationship with his ex-wife like now? Do they get along? Has he ever been particularly romantic / generous / thoughtful with you overall?

I'm a huge birthday person (why celebrate just one day when you can celebrate for a week!), and have a big one coming up. I've organised everything I want to do myself, as that's just not my DH's thing. He'll happily go along with anything I have planned, and it's joint money so paying for it isn't an issue, but there's no disappointments this way.
He will buy me presents, but we never go over the top with them, and wouldn't for a big birthday either.

It doesn’t sound as if you’re getting what you need from this relationship. Time to move on?

Your DD sounds lovely. I don't think it's exactly being a princess to want your partner to make a bit of fuss for your birthday.

I'd expect him to buy a card and cake, a gift although I'd normally choose it as I'm difficult to buy for and to be asked if I want to go anywhere special (again I might organise this, he means he will make himself available and will pay). I wouldn't expect surprises, banners and decorations, holidays etc. If I want something I communicate that rather than hope for something and end up disappointed. It doesn't sound as though he thinks of birthdays in the same way as you.

We’re not massive birthday people. We tend to buy gifts when we see something the other would really like (e.g. he bought tickets to a favourite comedian last week as he saw them on sale) so we get gifts at random times of the year which is lovely. For a big birthday we’ll push the boat out a bit. I got a gold necklace and an iPad, and I got him a piece of art by a favourite local artist. Nice meal out with the kids at local restaurant. We’re not ones for Michelin starred restaurants or the like, but we are lucky enough to like near lots of good independent restaurants (tapas, Italian, etc.) so we’ll select one of those.

OP, why do you think he did this for his ex wife, but won’t do it for you?

The thing is if you have a family already he’s probably expecting them to also have plans for your big birthday. You cant expect him to act the same as though he was your husband and the father of your children and always had been - in that case he would know it was responsibility to organise your birthday. But since you already had a life before him how is he to know what exactly to do?

Him organising and planning things for his ex wife is totally different as first time marriages have no complications such as outside family expectations and older children. It’s basically a given that husbands and wives will organize each other’s events in those situation (at least until kids grow up). It’s different when you have got together with him when your children are already grown and there are other adult relationships already formed.

I think your just setting yourself up for dissatisfaction expecting a boyfriend after marriage relationship to function the same way as a (happy) first marriage - it just can’t ever be that.

He should be making more effort in my view, how’s he been on previous birthdays? That’s a big indication for you as to how much he’ll bother on this one. My dh is taking me for a hotel spa break for my birthday in a few weeks; he always sends me flowers as well.

Don’t put up with substandard men op, life’s too short