Sibling needing to stay indefinitely

[Bluetitsfly]

My sibling is to stay with me whilst they 'reset' their lives. Happy to the extent that I can accommodate them and help sort out their finances/debts and general support after them having had a couple of dreadful years. What I need help with us setting boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour while living under the same roof. For example They drink, I suffer anxiety around drunk people, I don't want a tip- toing hangover existence , they have stayed before and been lazy and not helping in the running of the house. I don't want to be a control freak but I want us to tick along together without me being in a worried bossy " mother" type role. I want us to live without me being constantly worried about where they are, what they are doing, who are they with, How can I ensure that I don't turn into a nightmare control freak with a rule book. I'm 56 they are 42 . Any suggestions ?

Don’t do it

Don't let him/her stay
They won't stay sober and magically start being a respectful and good house guest and it will make your life miserable

Hmm - if they've stayed before & it didn't really work, I'm not sure of the wisdom of agreeing fir them to stay again? Especially if they drink to drunkness, and don't contribute to household running. Why have you agreed?

How do they propose to 'reset' their lives? Presumably it includes a commitment to not drinking, and that would be one boundary you can set - no booze. If breaches, they're out, no second chances.

Do not do this under any circumstances. You cannot and should not act as a rescuer and or saviour here to this person; it will not work, you will not be thanked and you will feel like you have been used.

Enabling only gives a false sense of control. If drink is their issue enabling this person by having him live with you is going to make your life a lot worse. Where are the consequences for your sibling's actions if you take on the responsibility of their debt and become their support human?. Do not do this to yourself.

I've agreed as there is no alternative. I'm wanting it to work out without impacting my life negatively. The advice I'm looking for is to how I can do this, not to say no to them staying.

Thanks for responding. I'll have a rethink

There will be an alternative. This is a grown adult who needs to sort their own life out. It is not your job. Support and encourage by all means, but from a suitable distance.

Your sibling is 42 and you are stepping in to help them reorganise their finances after a break up of their relationship. They have stayed before and you found them lazy. They also have a drink problem by the sound of things.

The first boundary you need to set - and set it in concrete - is the duration of their stay. Give them a deadline of when they need to have their sh*t together and make sure they have somewhere else to go.

You can then put up with a lot of inconvenience if you know it's only temporary.

How is there no alternative? Can’t they claim benefits and register as homeless?
What makes you think they have any intention of changing?

You could just share with them the expectations you have.
"Since you will be staying here for a while, I have set out a few ground rules, so that we can live together comfortably until you get sorted"

And make a list. Ask them if there is anything they'd like to add. Ask if there is anything they're unhappy with and if a compromise could be made.

Be clear on the things you aren't willing to budge on though. Like them getting very drunk repeatedly. If they can't respect you and your rules, then this will break down and they will have to find somewhere else.

Indeed rethink this whole idea of having your sibling stay altogether. Say no and save your own self. You should not act as some form of halfway house here particularly as it did not work out (not at all surprised to read that either) last time.

Only your sibling can decide whether or not to seek proper help for their own self. Familial coercion (and it will be seen by this sibling as such) never works.

You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Enabling your sibling like this will not help either of you. Contacting Al-anon could help you and at the very least read their literature - they are very helpful to those affected by another person's drinking.

Ok your sibling is staying with you...so give them the rule book.

They need your help and are relying on you so they can accommodate your needs. If that's no drinking then okay, it's your house. If they don't like it they are welcome to go elsewhere. Can you get a cleaner or make a rota for chores?

Really spell out your expectations, and again your sibling is welcome to go elsewhere if these are too much. If they whine at your needs then maybe they're not really in need of your help, you just happen to be the easiest option.

That's really generous of you, Bluetits your love for your sibling is admirable.

It is your permanent home before it is their temporary one & that needs to be very clear (to you both!)

Will they agree up front to very clear, documented rules?
eg No alcohol in the house at all, responsibility for daily chores, maintenance of certain standards (whatever is important to you).
Include finances here (rent, food, whatever) as you wish.

It needs to be clear that this is a zero tolerance arrangement: they break the rules & they are out, full stop.

In return you are offering love, shelter, warmth and an opportunity to reset; a package that is hard to beat in any scenario.

I wish you both well.

You might as well ask how you jump in the sea without getting wet. It's impossible.
Also bear in mind if they need to apply for housing they won't be given any priority if they are living with you.

@Bluetitsfly

I've agreed as there is no alternative. I'm wanting it to work out without impacting my life negatively. The advice I'm looking for is to how I can do this, not to say no to them staying.

It can’t not impact your life negatively by the sounds of it. You can put boundaries in place but only you know if they will respect them or not

Ground rules:

• be fully clothed in the house, no walking around in towels etc
• clean up the kitchen immediately after finishing a meal
• no alcohol in the house
• no coming back to the house drunk
• do your own washing

Etc...

Apply obvious rules so the alcohol-related ones don't look like an attack.

To be honest, OP, the requests in your OP are entirely reasonable. If your sibling were a teenager then they might trigger a tantrum but they would be the bare minimum for a 42 year old long term house guest. If they see them as 'controlling' then that's their problem. If you cave on those standards then you will be heading to unhappiness. One step might be to agree for the initial stay to be for a short period hence you can review if they behave badly without it feeling the same as ending a long-term commitment.

What might be essential but unwelcome will be agreeing the milestones of a plan for their successfully leaving, financial and personal, the specifics of which will depend on their problems.

Good luck.

Are they going to pay towards bills and food?

I think you should substitute set time, then review, for indefinitely.
It may actually be better for him, if he is seeking assistance with housing, if he can tell the authorities that his stay with you is time limited; otherwise they will see his situation as a less pressing matter than other clients they are helping.
You can privately reassure him, if you wish, that provided he abides by your rules, you could be persuaded to grant an extension, but have a clear review date in your mind.

I think you need to sit down and discuss how you want things in your home. You don't want to parent them, so I would do a probationary period and if you're both happy then it can continue, otherwise they will have to do other arrangements and no hard feelings.

This is your home.

Yes, there is an alternative - they SORT OUT THEIR OWN SHIT.

Sounds like exactly the kind of responsibility that they need to take and would actually probably be the best thing for them?

You shouldn’t do this.

If you must do this, it should be for a defined period of time, just a few months to save a deposit for a flat.

If you have anxiety regarding drunk people, it’s likely you have a history with someone in your life and alcoholism and possibly even alcohol related abuse. You likely have problems setting boundaries because that person really messed up your sense of proper inter-personal relationships. If I have properly arm-chair diagnosed you, it isn’t a criticism, it’s simply recognizing a kindred soul. If I am wrong, ignore me.

You can’t let someone who doesn’t have good control of their alcohol intake into your home. It’s going to be a constant source of stress. If you have to proceed with this plan, I wouldn’t just insist that the house remain dry, I would insist sibling remain sober for the duration of the stay. Simply making a rule that sibling not come home drunk will result in sibling constantly pushing that boundary because sibling will disagree with the definition. If you agree to 1 drink, sibling will have 3.

You also need to make a physical list of daily, weekly, and monthly chores that sibling must do along with written rules for cleaning up after yourselves. Take yourself out of the equation of it day to day by putting it in writing at the beginning.

There can’t be a nebulous financial plan. Sibling needs to show you everything and the plan for paying off the debt and moving out. Note that moving out should be able to happen before the debt is fully gone. Schedule a monthly meeting for sibling to show you the accounts. I would not trust sibling. You need to see the evidence.

Don’t do it

Reading between the lines, this is your brother whose life has crashed and not for the first time, and you are picking up the pieces. He must be destitute if he has saddled himself with his adult sister.

You can make all the rules you want but how are you going to enforce them? if he spends money on drink how can you stop that? You have already said you are going to take him so he will know you will not throw him out. He can basically do whatever he wants to do. I would help him get a bond together for a flat, get him on benefits and move on asap.

Good luck and I do speak from experience. Although loved my brother to bits. I could not change his behaviour. a man of 40 will not do anything he does not want to do and will not change, even for the love of you, he will not.

Clear ground rules and consequences. They live like an adult with you or they move out.