I’m beginning to think there is something strange about my partner!.

[GinIsForBreakfast84]

I have recently come to realise that there is something very ‘off’ about my partner. I genuinely think there may be a underlying personality disorder of some type going on. Can anyone help me understand what might be at play or is he just hard work!! He’s always been like this but I couldn’t see it until after I’d had my daughter and we were at home together a lot.

My friends and family universally dislike him but can’t say why, he makes them all very uncomfortable. He is very very needy for attention and love and will give me the silent treatment for days if he perceives it’s not being met. Historically very controlling, monitoring my phone for how long it takes me to get places etc. Moody if feels he’s not getting what he thinks he deserves. Overly permissive and treats his daughter from previous marriage like his best friend (she’s now 7) whilst putting me down in front of her.

Lied to me about her existence for the first year we were together and then somehow I felt sorry for him about him having to hide it! He did not have to hide it it’s crazy! Also lied about being married and has only ever claimed they ‘drifted apart’ but this seems unlikely when they had a 1 year old together.

However all this goes by the way side compared to the endless low level lying and manipulation of conversations back to how I am the one who wronged him.
I regularly feel like screaming over just extracting basic information.

Example would be - are you in for dinner tonight ?
Answer - well if you don’t want me here, I’ll go out, if it’s too much trouble I’ll just have toast I’m not hungry anyway ahhhhhh all I wanted to know was whether I should cook more sausages ! I can not describe how much I feel I am going mad, can’t get a single straight answer to any question. I’ve totally shut down and try to barely speak

Any insights gratefully received and yes I now see the many red flags, I was totally taken in by his persuasive arguments at the start and now I’m in deep as have a young child.

I'd definitely plan to get out, big hugs i think you need one!

you can't go on like that.

For godsake, why are you with such an utter dickhead?

He is abusive and your boundaries are poor.

What actually do you want to hear? You can fix him? You can’t.

You can try to fix yourself. Seek counselling and find out why you settled fir such a piece of shit who regularly showed you he gave no shits at all.

It doesn’t matter if there is ‘something underlying’ going on with him; everyone dislikes him for good reason.
He’s abusive in multiple ways.

'I have totally shut down and try to barely speak', you're being trained to be like this. Correct answer re dinner in his world is that it is on the table regardless of whether he deigns to come and eat it or not. Get out-you are self aware and there are plenty of reasons in your post to 'justify' (if such a thing was actually required) leaving. What insight do you need? Please don't let your daughter think this is acceptable behaviour because she WILL replicate it when she's older if this persists.

You can get-out
Just as his ex did
Now you know why he has aN ex

Why would you settle for that but most importantly why would you let your little daughter be around such a thug?

Ermmmm.....get out of this relationship now!!!! Dont try and analyse this its pointless....just run as fast as you can!

You need to urgently get out of this relationship.he might be Borderline Peronality Disorder.

Many many people say it on MN:
He's not a wonderful complex puzzle that you need to figure out.
It doesn't matter why he's broken- he is.

You won't be rewarded with gratitude or good behaviour if you figure it out.

You have a child together but that's no reason to stay in this situation. It will only get worse I'm afraid; protect your future self and that of your daughter and leave. It won't be easy but the life you will have if you stay will be toxic and your mental health will suffer. It looks like you're not married? So easier to detach. Good luck and a big hug from someone who has been there.

@Blackfridayshite

You need to urgently get out of this relationship.he might be Borderline Peronality Disorder.

That’s irrelevant, so have I (and lots of people who also aren’t abusive). She needs to get away from him because he’s abusive, not because some random on the internet has diagnosed him with something.

Example would be - are you in for dinner tonight ? Answer - well if you don’t want me here, I’ll go out, if it’s too much trouble I’ll just have toast

Just tell him to fuck off - you can't possibly want a lifetime of this shit.

Ok well that’s quite clear! I think I was hoping for something like - oh that sounds like xyz and it can change. I’m not scared to leave for me but the thought of him having my daughter even for 1 day a week (and I know he’d want more) fills me with total horror

Look up the cycle of abuse, types of abuse and perhaps your local women's aid (in private browser of he checks your phone).

Your partner is abusive.

Educate yourself and figure out at way to leave. He will not change.
He will only get worse.

Good luck

I know it's tempting to try to work out / understand / diagnose / analyse him, as if you can somehow make it all make sense. But ultimately, it doesn't matter why he is like this; the only thing that matters is the effect of his behaviour on you and your child.

You don't have to change yourself to try to placate him, you're fine as you are. Please leave and start a new - happier - life.

@Blackfridayshite

You need to urgently get out of this relationship.he might be Borderline Peronality Disorder.

And we wonder why mental illness is so stigmatised. Mental illness does not make you abusive. This man is abusive.

A 'bit off'? He's abusing you.

Well he's totally self absorbed. So he can only relate everything to himself.
His interest in you is only equal to how interested you are in him. Your life interests are boring to him because he hates you being interested in anything except him. If you said 'we need a new kettle, oh that's a lovely one here in Argos I love that' he'd get jealous of the kettle.
Now that he's no longer your only 'baby' he's in a permanent huff and fear of abandonment.
He's a manchild and probably won't grow up.
If he went to therapy he might change but currently he doesn't see anything wrong in his behaviors. If you allow him to treat you badly then it seems to him it's not problematic.

My friends and family universally dislike him but can’t say why, he makes them all very uncomfortable.

This didn't ring massive alarm bells for you? Everyone you love hates this man and yet you've stayed with him. It's madness.

the thought of him having my daughter even for 1 day a week (and I know he’d want more) fills me with total horror

Sorry to hear this OP.
Why do you feel this? What do you think will happen? (I don't think you're silly to feel that way, I would too probably in the situation, I just wonder if you wrote it down perhaps we could work out a plan that acknowledges the risks?)

I think you know that you have to leave, as you are in an abusive relationship.

The problem is he is an abuser.
What he is doing is emotional abuse and coercive control.

No need to try to explain it with a personality disorder. He's an abusive dick. Get out.

He’s a prick. You can’t fix him. He probably can’t or won’t fix himself. Either way, women are not rehab centres for badly raised men.

@UndertheCedartree.Of course severe mental health conditions such as BPD can have a very abusive effect on a partner.this has nothing to do with stigmatising.It is just a fact,that if you live and are in a relationship with a partner who's reality is very distorted(severe Depression/Bipolar etc),it can impact on the partner,believe you me.