I’m beginning to think there is something strange about my partner!.

[GinIsForBreakfast84]

I have recently come to realise that there is something very ‘off’ about my partner. I genuinely think there may be a underlying personality disorder of some type going on. Can anyone help me understand what might be at play or is he just hard work!! He’s always been like this but I couldn’t see it until after I’d had my daughter and we were at home together a lot.

My friends and family universally dislike him but can’t say why, he makes them all very uncomfortable. He is very very needy for attention and love and will give me the silent treatment for days if he perceives it’s not being met. Historically very controlling, monitoring my phone for how long it takes me to get places etc. Moody if feels he’s not getting what he thinks he deserves. Overly permissive and treats his daughter from previous marriage like his best friend (she’s now 7) whilst putting me down in front of her.

Lied to me about her existence for the first year we were together and then somehow I felt sorry for him about him having to hide it! He did not have to hide it it’s crazy! Also lied about being married and has only ever claimed they ‘drifted apart’ but this seems unlikely when they had a 1 year old together.

However all this goes by the way side compared to the endless low level lying and manipulation of conversations back to how I am the one who wronged him.
I regularly feel like screaming over just extracting basic information.

Example would be - are you in for dinner tonight ?
Answer - well if you don’t want me here, I’ll go out, if it’s too much trouble I’ll just have toast I’m not hungry anyway ahhhhhh all I wanted to know was whether I should cook more sausages ! I can not describe how much I feel I am going mad, can’t get a single straight answer to any question. I’ve totally shut down and try to barely speak

Any insights gratefully received and yes I now see the many red flags, I was totally taken in by his persuasive arguments at the start and now I’m in deep as have a young child.

Leave him. Keep evidence of the abuse for when it comes to contact with DC

@GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow

I was already at the LTB stage after reading the first paragraph

Same here.

The OP does know there's a problem.

But how can she protect her DD when she's not there?

As so many people have said - he is being extremely emotionally abusive and this is not normal or healthy.

I really recommend, if you can, watching YouTube videos on narcissism by Dr Ramana and Ross Rosenberg. Particularly covert narcissism. Educating yourself will open your eyes and empower you to find strength. You will realise you are not alone, that he is showing classic traits of narcissism and it will help you realise:

1. this is not your fault
2. he feeds off your energy and validation - also known as 'supply'
3. he will never change
4. your confusion is created from years worth of abuse leaving you feeling crazy, but you're not
5. there is help out there
6. some immediate practical tips can help you cope better as leaving takes time
7. you need an exit plan - contact women's aid for support - you need as much help as you can get
8. this is not your fault
9. he will never change
10. you deserve better

Finally, do not tell him what you are learning/planing. It will only make it worse.

Ok thanks everyone , clearly I mostly highlighted the bad parts as that was the question. Clearly if it had been like that through out I wouldn’t have had a child but thanks for pointing out it wasn’t a good decision, I had worked that out but was more hoping for ways to move forward but I see that clearly is by leaving. Thank you to the more kind and helpful comments, very much appreciated and a good wake up call

@ginisforbreakfsst84 please don't feel like any of it is your fault. Its not.
Its hard go see the wood for the trees when you're in an abusive relationship. You're likely being gaslit and manipulated into ignoring bad behaviour. Look up congintive dissonance.
It's only when you are away from the situation that you can see how bad things really are, and how much you've been abused.
I stupidly had 2 children with my abuser! I didn't want to leave either, even though I knew it was abuse and he made me terribly sad. He'd brainwashed me and I was heavily trauma bonded to him.

Anyone that blames you for the situation clearly has no understanding of how domestic abuse works.

Educate yourself, and make an informed, safe decision.

Nothing feels as good as freedom

[quote labyrinth]@ginisforbreakfsst84 please don't feel like any of it is your fault. Its not.
Its hard go see the wood for the trees when you're in an abusive relationship. You're likely being gaslit and manipulated into ignoring bad behaviour. Look up congintive dissonance.
It's only when you are away from the situation that you can see how bad things really are, and how much you've been abused.
I stupidly had 2 children with my abuser! I didn't want to leave either, even though I knew it was abuse and he made me terribly sad. He'd brainwashed me and I was heavily trauma bonded to him.

Anyone that blames you for the situation clearly has no understanding of how domestic abuse works.

Educate yourself, and make an informed, safe decision.

Nothing feels as good as freedom[/quote]
All of this

100% not your fault

OP, I grew up under a narcissistic abuser and it's not as simple as "you should have left after X" or "you shouldn't have even bothered with him when Y".

Victims of people with NPD often don't realise for years and years and years. Being within the "inner circle" of a person with NPD is all consuming. And even when it feels "wrong" it also feels normal. It's still your home and he's still your family.

You exist in a whirlwind of love bombing, guilt and fear and it takes everything out of you. There is often very little time or energy left for critical thinking.

It is harmful to the victims in these situations to shame them for staying so long. The most important thing is that you leave and cut off his narcissistic supply. It doesn't matter how long it has taken you to get to this point, the important thing is that you're here now. Well done on taking step one. It took me 2 years to "run away" from my family home. And it took me 7 more years after that to truly break free.

Thinking of you, OP. You're brave - not foolish.xxx

@PeeAche thank you, that’s very kind and the love bombing, guilt, arguing cycle is exactly our issue. It goes to the point I think I’ll leave and he turns into the nicest person I’ve ever met, and u think why am I leaving when I can clearly be so good and then it starts again and it is so exhausting I can’t think or act or function. However I know I must as these posts show, I’m blind to just think he’s difficult. It’s more entrenched and things need to change x

@graceandgratitude thank you that’s really helpful x

It’s never all bad, that’s why it’s hard to leave. Please do exit OP, the damage he does in the downward spiral is lifelong.

As nearly everyone else is saying, it doesn't matter why he's like this, all that matters is he's poisoning the atmosphere of your and your child's home and lives and you need to separate from him.
If you're worried, talk to Women's Aid. They will be able to guide you.
I can't help but suspect that such a self-absorbed and self-pitying man won't bother to keep seeing his child if it requires much effort on his part!
You can't go on like this OP, it'll make you ill and ruin your child's childhood. I've been in abusive relationships and put up with them for far too long. I did get out in the end though and never regretted it, especially since getting together with my lovely OH. My only regret is I gave those bastards far too much of my life! Don't make my mistake!
You have Women's Aid, courses like the Freedom Programme and advice from MNers. You don't say whether your mother could support you in separating from him nor if you have good friends but if you do, maybe they can help too? Please avail of all the support you can get and let us know how you get on! Sending you all my best wishes and a big hug!

@GinIsForBreakfast84 that cycle - where he turns in to the nicest person the world is called 'hoovering'. It is basically where they turn on the tricks and techniques to get you back.

There is also something called a trauma bond which sounds very relevant to your situation. Google it and you may find it useful. I hadn't realised there were so many terms but they describe the nuances of what happens so well.

I'm not an expert but ive been going through a very similar process of realisation and have felt completely crazy and confused. A massive emotional rollercoaster. It takes time to come to terms with because it makes you feel like everything you believed about yourself and your life wasn't real.

@CiaoEB

Check out information on narcissists; gaslighting so you start to doubt yourself, modifying your behaviour to appease him, his DD = golden child, you and your DD = scapegoats, alienating your family and friends, love bombing if you try to leave.

A diagnosis doesn’t matter because there’s a tonne of information about people who strongly resemble what you’re posted your DH is like and what kind of ongoing crazy those people can inflict on those around them. Don’t try to find out what to do to change them or try to help them because it’s pointless, they don’t GAF and will happily destroy you to make themselves feel good and being able to see themselves a certain way.

All of this is spot on! I came on here to say he's a narcissist. I tied myself up in knots trying to work out how to be better, how to understand him, how to communicate better when all the while it was him.

RUN, go, don't look back. Life is so much simpler - and my head is SO much more at peace - now that I've LTB.

Please do the Freedom Programme and get your ducks in a row quietly to leave, this is domestic abuse, you may never be able to completely work out why he does this.

And it doesn’t matter, what matters is getting out from under his control xx