Need a bit of advice everyone...
My MIL is a wonderful person with whom I've always got along fabulously with. Until my 1st DC was born about three months ago.
Starting from when he was about two weeks old she would whisk him off me and take him to other rooms of her house, cuddling him like he was her own baby and refusing to give him back as well as preventing me from comforting him when he was crying by insisting he wasn't hungry and I should only feed him when he's 'screaming.' For a new hormonal mother you can imagine how i felt. I felt so upset because I couldn't see my DC(she'd take him to another part of the house) and felt i couldn't ask for him back so would have to wait HOURS while she let him sleep on her etc. I would have to get DH to go and retrieve him and she would reluctantly give him up. I would leave weekends spent at her house feeling like I'd been on edge for 48 hours.
This happens every time we see her. She has also been incredibly unsupportive of breastfeeding offering sarcastic comments about how frequently I do it and making out that i'm being strange or overly ambitious for attempting to keep going. She also said (when baby was five weeks old) that baby was just trying to manipulate me when they were crying, saying to me 'stop it, DC doesn't need you to pick them up', so I didn't even though every bit of me wanted to pick up my baby.
The comments about the breastfeeding have eased off somewhat although she still won't give the baby back when DC is clearly hungry. . Now, we're in the situation where I frankly feel a bit traumatised and on guard about seeing her. I used to be the one booking in dates to see my PIL but now i just don't want to, even though her behaviour has improved.
She has recently offered to babysit and my feelings are I don't want to even though she would do a great job & wants to see her DGC ( it's not like we don't see them).
I feel our previously lovely relationship has changed and while i'm sad about that, I feel that I've seen this different side to her which I really don't like. She's always been incredibly judgey of my SIL behind her back but lovely to her face and it got me thinking she's probably got all sorts of opinions about how i'm choosing to parent. The more I've reflected on this i've noticed she absolutely loves to judge other women in the extended family. This isn't something I do or take any pleasure in.
I know I need to get over it and ensure that my DC has a good relationship with her but i suppose the thing that freaks me out is that she sees the baby as her second go at mothering. I am not mega territorial about my baby, very happy to let other people hold them but i guess those other people respect me as the baby's mother, don't offer advice I haven't asked for and don't prevent me from taking my kid back if i want to.
I want to get over this but i think my hormones and primal instincts have been spiked in a way that I can't talk myself out of. They seem to view her as a threat even though I know she just loves her DGC and wants to show it.
How to proceed? I know she's a bit miffed I've stopped speaking to her like I used and that we're not visiting as much as usual. But I just don't want to do more than the bare minimum. It feels like i have to step over my own boundaries to make her happy. i suffered quite a bit of abuse as a child and i suppose this is triggering on some level.
Will it pass when the baby is older? i know she means well. i really do. but i don't want to 'reward' such insensitive behaviour ie how she was in the beginning. Am conflicted !!