How to let go of the anger towards ex. It's eating me alive

[Yellowstone100]

To keep a long story short I had an Ex that ended up treating me like shit. I was only with him 6 months before I left. I've never experienced something like it before, it was a treat you like shit bus gaslight you into thinking that wasn't the case and you've lost sense with reality kind of situation. One of the worst kinds of emotional abuse imo because it makes you lose yourself and doubt everything.

We spoke for a month after we broke up but he still treated me like I was worthless. Unfortunately the whole time I communicated with him in a passive, polite way. "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable I just felt the need to bring it up". "I feel like I need some space now so I'm going to take some time to myself". That last one was my last words to him and his response was "ok". And we never spoke again afterwards.

I'm now on 4 months complete no contact. And yet I think about the whole situation all the time. I'm so angry at everything he did and I'm so angry at not standing up for myself and not telling him how much of a nasty man he is. And the anger eats away at me, the temptation to have a massive go at him and let him know how much he hurt me. The fact he did it all to me and then left without a trace and a care in the world. I never told him all that before because it was a matter of keeping him happy and not rocking his boat. I regret so much not telling him and not defending myself.

Obviously after 4 months no contact I'm not going to get back in touch with him to say all this as much as I want to. I know that maybe it feels like it would be closure for me but I also know it's borderline batshit and will probably make things worse. I'm so angry at myself for not saying my piece before ending it. I just don't feel like I got closure at all. And what gets me is I've had 4 and 5 year relationships end before and this 6 month relationship had taken so much more of a mental toll on me than those and I'm embarrassed to say it. I've never felt emotionally abused before encountering this man. I'm just so angry.

I know I need to let go of it but I'm struggling. I was hoping time would solve everything but here I am 4 months on writing a Mumsnet post about the idiot. I just want him out of my head.

People with more knowledge on this subject than me will be along to give you some advice but I just wanted to say the thing that I kept thinking as I was reading your post, is that if you can’t argue with stupid. You would never have got him to see sense, admit what he has done. You did the write thing walking away without engaging with him any further.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Write him a letter, but don't post it.
You're right to be angry with him but need to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes in life. Learn from it and move on. Do something cathartic, like print off photos or emails and burn them!

Thank you both. I was worried I'd get comments telling me I'm crazy, I know I still might but your comments have settled my mind a bit.

I did think about writing a letter and burning it but I know it would be a really emotional day for me and I never plucked up the courage to deal with that. I might reconsider doing it though.

Maybe I should write a letter to myself instead because the thing I'm most angry about was how I dealt with it all really, and how I got into that situation in the first place. I know I need to be kinder to myself.

You really do.
He was an undeserving fuckwit. You don't need that kind of negativity in a relationship.

Congratulate yourself on getting away after 6 months. He would have done more damage if you'd stayed longer.

Write both the letters. Burn his. Do you have a supportive friend who can be with you? Getting upset might be cathartic.

Then write your letter to you. Full of advice for how to avoid this in future and keep it somewhere safe.

Good luck.

I'd suggest you get some counselling, even though it was only 6 months , being abused takes its toll on you. You need soke help to process what you went through and your feelings around it.

My only advice is - just keep breathing and one step in front of the other & in time this person will fade away . Many years ago I had an ex boyfriend who , in truth I would have loved to tell how rubbish he was - but - it is not worth the effort. I got on with my life & the final words were never said - I just walked away. Don't spend time on people who are not worth it.

Be kind to yourself & don't waste energy on people who aren't worth it. Easy to say - harder to do I know. & here's the cliche ( drumroll ) Time is a great healer.

If it helps write down how many ways he was rubbish - but - sometimes people have an unsatisfactory relationship. Sometimes it makes the next one better because you can see I am not doing that again.

Anyway I wish you all the best

You're not alone OP. I'm 7 months out of 1 year 'relationship' which I felt emotionally trapped in, was treat like crazy, used (he admitted i was a convenience) cheated on (he told me)
Utterly traumatised by it and not experienced anything like it before. He is onto his next victim now. Its his style, one to another. I was broken and its taken me months to feel semi normal. I think it has changed me forever.
I too am angry at myself for letting it go on and not seeing it? he in the meantime got a fab new job, started studying and can see via SM he is drawing the next victim in and it seems to be working. For the first time I feel bitter. I've had therapy and months of trying to get over it. Youre not alone. Try something new, be kind to yourself, practice self care and be VERY thankful it was 'only' 6 months and proud you got away

Same as a few comments, 'only' six months is great. Write your letters, burn them, congratulate yourself on being free. This kind of abuse is hard to get over, I'm glad you're out.

Gosh, you are being extremely hard on yourself here op. You don’t have a crystal ball, you had no way of knowing that he would turn out to be a colossal tosser! SO MANY of us get caught up in abusive relationships, almost without realising it, until one day you wake up and think “how the AF is this my life”?? Unfortunately, for lots of us, that realisation takes years (and we are utterly astounded because we always thought we wouldn’t put up with that shit!) but you managed to recognise it and get yourself out, in 6 months! Yay you!
I would suggest you get some counselling to work through this, with the ultimate aim of leaving him to his shit, shallow, miserable life, whilst you concentrate on remembering & valuing just how fabulous you are and ensuring you can enforce strong boundaries in the future

I think writing yourself a letter is a great idea, let’s you get all your frustration out. Then burn it and move on.
You’ve learned from this, so take it forward and use it to prevent making this mistake again.
And be kind to yourself 💐

I’m coming to terms with my anger through counselling and meditation. Similar situ as yours but a much, much longer relationship…

Acknowledging the anger, understanding that it’s entirely justified, and sitting with it really helps. Sounds a bit Woo, but it does seem to work. Write it down if that’s how your brain operates!

Don’t forget two things…

That the best revenge is a life well lived.
And
Karma will probably get him. All it requires is some patience from you.

Op I think this is the issue with always maintaining a dignified approach. When I split with my exh I tried this for a long time. Only I feel like it made it worse some how as I was being so fucking reasonable when in fact he had hurt me deeply and been a complete tosser. The more I was passive the more he was a dick.

I think that caused me damage. In the end I spoke to a councillor because the situation was so absurd and she said it was because I was doing my best to 'steady the boat' but what I was really doing was suppressing my feelings which will come out eventually.I was worried I was going insane and would end up bitter and twisted. He ended up texting me one night being a complete dick head and I just unleashed fury on him. I really really went to town on him. I dragged up every thing from the past ten years, I called him every name under the sun. It was a very very angry message/s

And then I blocked him. It was cathartic because I had removed those suppressed feelings and placed them where they needed to be - on him. I did think 'oh shit what have I done' but I just kept saying to myself 'fuck it - serves you right'

Send him the letter. Or send him a text so he receives it immediately then block him.

Honestly fuck maintaining an air of dignity - let it out.

Look at it this way, you have learnt a very valuable lesson. Next time, should you be so unfortunate as to encounter this situation again you will know how to deal with it. You will see it for what it is and won’t let anyone try to convince you otherwise. It may not make you feel better about what happened but take comfort in the fact you will never let this happen again. You got out after 6 months some people spend literally years in these type of relationships. You don’t feel like it but you are fortunate

Your anger is natural and healthy OP, let it out constructively!

Bloody good for you for seeing those huge red flags and getting yourself out of dodge.
Too right you're furious. But please don't direct it inwards.
Ok, you didn't feel able to read him the riot act, but you left him! Which has shown him that you won't put up with his crap more effectively than anything you might've said.
You've actually had the last word if you think about it.

Sort of a follow-on or enhancement to PPs re: "can't teach stupid" - I get you! The more fucked-up them/their stunts/your relationship was, the more a part of you screams to make your voice heard and fix them, once and for all. That if you have just one epically magical speech at them they'll see the error of their ways.

And it won't do any of us enough good to learn and accept that that magical speech just doesn't exist. On some macro level, it's always going to suck that people like that just go whistling off in the sunset to fuck up more people, whilst we get damaged, at least for a while.

I guess the main revenge you can have is to heal as quickly as possible.

And feel free to vent here. 🥰 >un-Mumsnetty hug

It may sound petty, but as things are; he doesbt know how angry and hurt you are, how much impact he's had on you.

If you show it, he'll know.

Wouldn't it be preferable to leave things like that, where you may have been "passive" but you were also chilled, relatively calm, dignified, and not massively affected. He diesnt need to know you're actually very angry, hurt etc. It won't change him, that's for sure.

It might even gratify him.

The letter writing but not sending is a good idea.

You got out after 6 months some people spend literally years in these type of relationships. You don’t feel like it but you are fortunate

This too.

Whatever you do don’t write yourself a letter in which you are angry and unkind to yourself.
You need to show yourself compassion. Could you write to yourself as if you were your own daughter or best friend? You are being far harder on yourself than you would on someone else.

I went though the same. I used to shout at him (in his absence). Is there somewhere completely alone and out of earshot of anyone, where you can shout at him? Let it all rip, really shout and swear and tell him what you think of him and what he did to you This helped me so much.

It's like the write-a-letter-and-burn-it method but quicker and more satisfying.

Could you take up boxing training? It would be great for you to channel your anger into something positive for you.

So, he knew what he was doing.

Telling him he was a terrible arsehole will not be news to him. He knows he was. That's how he gets his kicks.

If you confront him, you will just receive more of the same. How his deliberate abuse was absolutely your fault. He'll relish in the opportunity to be vile to you one last time. I suspect you'll end up angrier.

Try and think of it, that there's something wrong with him. Because there is. No decent human being does this deliberately to another.

I know it seems so unfair and unjust that he's the nasty prick, yet you're the one living with what he's done while he carries on carefree. You know he's not though, right? Imagine being him. An abuser. Maybe sociopathic? The type of person who thrives on ruining other people. Does that sound like he's won? He might be completely incapable of feeling guilt about how he treats people, but that doesn't make him carefree and smugly self exonerated. It makes him cold, and soulless.

You had a 6 month encounter with this awful person. Of course it's had an impact. Because you're a decent person, with a heart. Can you even imagine being him. That's no life at all.

You don't need to let someone like that know how angry you are. Many already have. Many will. The best response you can give him, is maintain none at all. Don't ever let him get another kick out of knowing you feel bad at his hands. You haven't sold yourself short by saying nothing. You've got away from him, you've won in every way.

His extreme behaviour is imprinted on your mind but believe me it will fade. Get advice from experts In Real Life please. Please afford it.
Come back and tell us how it is going, we like supporting women who made a change by L T B. but you really need solid info to build on. Bless You.