How to let go of the anger towards ex. It's eating me alive

[Yellowstone100]

To keep a long story short I had an Ex that ended up treating me like shit. I was only with him 6 months before I left. I've never experienced something like it before, it was a treat you like shit bus gaslight you into thinking that wasn't the case and you've lost sense with reality kind of situation. One of the worst kinds of emotional abuse imo because it makes you lose yourself and doubt everything.

We spoke for a month after we broke up but he still treated me like I was worthless. Unfortunately the whole time I communicated with him in a passive, polite way. "I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable I just felt the need to bring it up". "I feel like I need some space now so I'm going to take some time to myself". That last one was my last words to him and his response was "ok". And we never spoke again afterwards.

I'm now on 4 months complete no contact. And yet I think about the whole situation all the time. I'm so angry at everything he did and I'm so angry at not standing up for myself and not telling him how much of a nasty man he is. And the anger eats away at me, the temptation to have a massive go at him and let him know how much he hurt me. The fact he did it all to me and then left without a trace and a care in the world. I never told him all that before because it was a matter of keeping him happy and not rocking his boat. I regret so much not telling him and not defending myself.

Obviously after 4 months no contact I'm not going to get back in touch with him to say all this as much as I want to. I know that maybe it feels like it would be closure for me but I also know it's borderline batshit and will probably make things worse. I'm so angry at myself for not saying my piece before ending it. I just don't feel like I got closure at all. And what gets me is I've had 4 and 5 year relationships end before and this 6 month relationship had taken so much more of a mental toll on me than those and I'm embarrassed to say it. I've never felt emotionally abused before encountering this man. I'm just so angry.

I know I need to let go of it but I'm struggling. I was hoping time would solve everything but here I am 4 months on writing a Mumsnet post about the idiot. I just want him out of my head.

@urbanbuddha

Congratulate yourself on getting away after 6 months. He would have done more damage if you'd stayed longer.

I second this.

You're angry with yourself for not 'fighting' back and being passive, yet you had the strength to not only leave him, but end it with 'ok' and then never contact him again.

This might sound mad (and it probably is) but you could take yourself off for a walk, a tiring one - find a hill for example - away from other people and let it all out. Imagine he's with your and tell him exactly what your think. Get angry. Shout.

You'll feel better for letting it out and the physical exertion will really help.

Alternatively, look into boxercise or kick boxing sessions.

Physical exertion is fantastic for dealing with negative feelings like this.

And as you're already thinking about it, give yourself that emotional couple of days where you write letters and burn them. You need to process it. If you leave it inside it will fester.

The way you feel is really healthy and your actions have been strong, safe and mature.

Don't underestimate this. So many people lack the strength to do either of these things. Given a choice, would you rather have told him exactly what you thought and then stayed with him or taken the path you did?

You can also argue that your 'passiveness' was an instinctual understanding of keeping yourself safe. And that's really important.

I think you need to forgive yourself for not acting in the way you'd have, with hindsight, liked to.

My paragraphs got mixed up there! It should read:

You're angry with yourself for not 'fighting' back and being passive, yet you had the strength to not only leave him, but end it with 'ok' and then never contact him again.

Don't underestimate this. So many people lack the strength to do either of these things. Given a choice, would you rather have told him exactly what you thought and then stayed with him or taken the path you did?

You can also argue that your 'passiveness' was an instinctual understanding of keeping yourself safe. And that'sreallyimportant.

I think you need to forgive yourself for not acting in the way you'd have, with hindsight, liked to.

You're angry with yourself for not 'fighting' back and being passive, yet you had the strength to not only leave him, but end it with 'ok' and then never contact him again.

This might sound mad (and it probably is) but you could take yourself off for a walk, a tiring one - find a hill for example - away from other people and let it all out. Imagine he's with your and tell him exactly what your think. Get angry. Shout.

You'll feel better for letting it out and the physical exertion will really help.

Alternatively, look into boxercise or kick boxing sessions.

Physical exertion is fantastic for dealing with negative feelings like this.

And as you're already thinking about it, give yourself that emotional couple of days where you write letters and burn them. You need to process it. If you leave it inside it will fester.

The way you feel is really healthy and your actions have been strong, safe and mature

'Acknowledging the anger, understanding that it’s entirely justified, and sitting with it really helps'

Absolutely. Stop putting pressure on yourself to 'let it go'. You have every right to feel angry at him. Allow yourself to be angry. It's perfectly healthy. Let it out - you have had great suggestions on here of how to do that. Over time, the anger will change and shift and become less intense, but only if you allow yourself to feel it now

Thank you so much for all the supportive messages.

I feel so much for anyone who's gets trapped in this sort of thing for years, and my god I can see how it happens and how utterly horrific that must be, I feel like after 6 months I should have been able to leave and move on with my life pretty quickly but obviously that's just being hard on myself.

In a way I'm glad I experienced this because now I know what to watch out for, lovebombing for a start, and now I can empathise better with others in these situations. I hate to say it but before I would wonder how someone can get trapped in a situation like that but now I see it completely.

So there are pros that have come out of this too.

For those that say message him, if he messages me then I think I won't be able to help myself and go off on one. I'm not going to initiate a message though. And I don't expect him to ever attempt to message me again either.

I would treat your actions as a price to pay to get shut of him for good. Playing the long game if you like.
You know that you do t really mean the words you said, it's not ok for someone to behave like that . However if you stood your ground he would still be arguing with you trying to prove he is right.
He has gone now. Act like he doesnt exist

Your anger will take time to go but it will eventuality fade and one day you'll realise you've not thought about him in ages.

I find that when I am having obsessive-type thoughts over something it really helps to just stop, step back, and tell myself a couple of things:

1. Yeah that was bad, and I wish I'd done something differently. So I shall just go back in time and fix it. Oh wait - that's impossible. I cannot change what's happened in the past, however much I want to.
2. All this blazing activity that's happening in my head: is it affecting the outside world in any way? Is it affecting anyone else? Does it have any sort of effect on anyone except me? No. It's doing nothing except winding me up.

That helps me distance myself from the thoughts, and I can recognise them for what they are: just thoughts. It's like the difference between walking past a TV where a film is showing, and sitting down and getting really involved in the film. It's just a film - you don't have to pay attention to it. They're just thoughts - you're not obliged to think them.

What do you mean by if he messages you? You should block him. Blocking him Could be quite powerful for you. It’s a gesture of having some control and power And can bring some balance back to you.

Block him everywhere so he can't message you, making the decision yourself that this ends now.

You’re entitled to feel angry about the situation, at him and at yourself for letting him get away with the behaviour. But look at the “glass half full” alternative. You recognised within 6 months (not a great deal of time) how unhealthy the relationship was and then you did right by yourself and ended it. Giving him a piece of your mind is unlikely to have made a difference to his future behaviour, or actions. You walked away with dignity, while trying to be fair to him, as you worked through your feelings. Yes afterwards you realised what was happening, but again, pat yourself on the back for being that emotionally intelligent that you were able to work out what had happened.

And I agree with PPs that your "passiveness" was actually better than you see it. You were a version of grey rock, even if you don't see it now. Count your lucky stars - if you'd been better "entertainment value" to this freak of nature, he'd still have you in his sights, messing with your head some more.

Block him. Now. It's the first step to freedom.

Thanks so much for every one of these messages. I am reading them all and they are really helping.

I removed him off all social media but I didn't actually block his number. I didn't even think to do that for some reason. I guess at some point in the beginning I was hoping he'd actually message me back but now I never want to hear from him again. I shall block him completely now.

Well done for getting out of it after 6 months, some women stay with those sort of toxic men for years and years and have children with them so are forever tied. You are clearly stronger than you think you are.

OP I feel the same- I wasted 7 years on a commitment phobic ex who acted the 'good guy' but was actually a lying coward and the thought that he has just danced off from it drives me mad- I think I will write a big letter I will never send- it was all jsut so unfair!

@Beamur

Write him a letter, but don't post it. You're right to be angry with him but need to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes in life. Learn from it and move on. Do something cathartic, like print off photos or emails and burn them!

Absolutely Do this. It is what I do and it helps