Leaving him after 20 years

Myshitlife · 2021-11-23T23:09:41+00:00

Just that really. He’s been abusive throughout. I have an 11 & 15 year old but haven’t said anything to them. Haven’t said anything to anyone. I have a house to view tomorrow and I have enough money saved to pay the month in advance, if it’s anymore I’m going to struggle getting it together. How do I tell my children that they won’t be living at home with dad anymore?

RedSoloCup · 23/11/2021 23:11

Bless you not easy but obviously the best thing for you all, I'd recommend taking legal advice ASAP if joint assets and good luck 🤞

Original poster

Myshitlife · 23/11/2021 23:14

I am too tired to get legal advice to be honest. He have to house and everything in it apart from me and the kids. I don’t want anything

OP posts:

Original poster

Myshitlife · 23/11/2021 23:15

**He can have the house.

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OnyxOryx · 23/11/2021 23:16

I'm guessing you've not told anyone because you need to leave first for safety reasons? Your daughters might not believe you or agree with you but I don't see how you can tell them anything other than the truth about why you didn't tell them in advance, that it was an abusive relationship. They're going to be shocked and might have questions, or act out if they're cross and disbelieving, I guess. How old they are will determine exactly what you say.

Glad you've found the courage to leave. You won't regret it, despite any teething troubles. Wishing you luck.

Zerrin13 · 23/11/2021 23:16

I know this is a very difficult situation to be in but please don't walk away from anything that is legally yours.

OnyxOryx · 23/11/2021 23:19

Is the house mortgage? If it is and you're liable you'll have to get legal advice or if he defaults you could end up partly liable for any debt.

Are you married?

Is it possible to get your daughters to take their favourite things to a friend's for a sleepover/afternoon playdate or something so they don't leave with absolutely nothing?

WoodburnersRUs · 23/11/2021 23:20

You may have to pay 10 weeks’ rent up front. Six weeks’ deposit and a month on advance. You may also have clarified this with the agent but just to flag up.

I hope it’s somewhere you can make a home free from him.

OnyxOryx · 23/11/2021 23:24

Just re read your OP, really sorry but there's likely to be a deposit needed not just the first month's rent.

Any jewellery you can pawn to raise the money?

Otherwise contact Women's Aid. If you own property you wouldn't usually qualify for assistance with the deposit from the council, but since you're escaping an abusive relationship the rules may be different.

Thehouseofmarvels · 23/11/2021 23:40

Do judges let mothers sign over all the property/ assets or a marriage over to the husband on divorcing ? As surely the judges have to think of the needs of the kids even if the mother wants her ex to keep all the assets of the marriage to avoid drama? Your ex could remarry then half your house ends up belonging to his new wife.

Original poster

Myshitlife · 23/11/2021 23:51

I will be paying the mortgage as it’s in my name. My kids know what their dad can be like, they’ve seen it.

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Original poster

Myshitlife · 23/11/2021 23:55

@Thehouseofmarvels

Do judges let mothers sign over all the property/ assets or a marriage over to the husband on divorcing ? As surely the judges have to think of the needs of the kids even if the mother wants her ex to keep all the assets of the marriage to avoid drama? Your ex could remarry then half your house ends up belonging to his new wife.

You’re right, a judge won’t, but I won’t be pursing anything in court anytime in the foreseeable future. I must sound terribly selfish but I really don’t want more drama

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MakeAWhish · 24/11/2021 00:06

Please don't walk away from what's legally yours, you will regret it later down the line when you're struggling financially.
By all means leave the abusive relationship - get yourself and your children safe and worry about the legal stuff later.
Good luck, and well done for making the decision to leave and not put up with any more abuse.

MakeAWhish · 24/11/2021 00:08

With regards to the children, be as honest as you can be, but spare them the gory details. They will appreciate and respect your honesty. Perhaps not immediately, but eventually.

caringcarer · 24/11/2021 07:59

Make sure you at least pack your kids favourite clothing and music and computer games. You might want to walk away with nothing but your kids may want their things. Few teens would be happy to go with nothing. Especially if you cannot afford to replace their things. OP I left and just could not face fight over house as ex was demanding 80 percent and offering me 20 percent even though I had our children. In the end I got solicitor and told her get the best you can for me but I don't want to be actively involved. Just tell me what I got at end when all over. She got me 65 percent of house and 1/3 of his pension. I also got half value of business. I just went to court twice because he did not turn up first time.

MilduraS · 24/11/2021 08:15

For those of you who have left and divorced it might be helpful to let the op know how you managed the legal fees. I only say that because I don't know the answer myself and it sounds like OP is struggling for money which would only add to her reluctance.

Original poster

Myshitlife · 24/11/2021 08:21

@caringcarer

Make sure you at least pack your kids favourite clothing and music and computer games. You might want to walk away with nothing but your kids may want their things. Few teens would be happy to go with nothing. Especially if you cannot afford to replace their things. OP I left and just could not face fight over house as ex was demanding 80 percent and offering me 20 percent even though I had our children. In the end I got solicitor and told her get the best you can for me but I don't want to be actively involved. Just tell me what I got at end when all over. She got me 65 percent of house and 1/3 of his pension. I also got half value of business. I just went to court twice because he did not turn up first time.

Perhaps I should wait, I don’t want the kids to be without their things. I don’t have the money for solicitors. He doesn’t work and I know he will want to keep everything which is why I’ll pay the mortgage for him to remain in the family home. If I went to court I may lose some of my pension to him and that feels very wrong.

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IknowwhatIneed · 24/11/2021 08:29

Losing some of your pension is wrong but losing your family home (and still paying the mortgage) is ok? He’s really done a number on you - get some legal advice and make your plans to go.

Thamesis · 24/11/2021 08:42

OP you need professional advice from an organisation like Women's Aid, in order to separate safely. They can also arrange for some (initially) free legal advice.

It's going to be tough so have that support to help you. I did the same, marriage of similar length. I'm so glad I did as it's given me and my children a secure base for our future.

Don't leave in haste and regret it for decades later. Obviously if you are in danger you need to speak to the police but definitely Women's Aid

Fireflygal · 24/11/2021 08:55

You are exhausted and drained so don't make any decisions on finances now.

One step at a time. Legal fees can be accrued against a final settlement so don't let that put you off however you might need to live separately first so that you can build strength.

Sonaftersonafterson · 24/11/2021 10:18

You may be tired OP, but come on. Make better decisions for your kids. Why on earth would you let him stay in the family home while you pay for it?? And move your kids out somewhere else... without warning or discussion... without any of their things??? Why.

Have I missed something because unless you're in danger this sounds ridiculously unfair on the kids

MMmomDD · 24/11/2021 10:36

OP - you are not thinking straight and you are letting your children down but throwing in the towel.
YOU may be happier in the short term by just getting away from him, but your kids losing their home and all of their stuff?

You are a grown up - and it’s a grown up decision. So - stop feeling bad for yourself and plan it properly. Not for your sake - then for your kids.
File for divorce. You don’t need to pay solicitors. You can self represent.
Leaving a house to H and ‘keeping’ your pension, while living in a small rental - may feel like a move that avoids drama but it is not.

You can’t avoid drama in this case.
But it’s what needs to happen

MMmomDD · 24/11/2021 10:38

He can want to stay in the house and keeping all the stuff - but its not an option.
You move out - start divorce, split everything. Judge tells him to get back to work.
It’s that simple.

Original poster

Myshitlife · 24/11/2021 10:43

I have been physically, emotionally and sexually abused for 20 years, I don’t know what to do. I’m confused and perhaps need to stay and think this through properly. Thank you for your replies x

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rampitup · 24/11/2021 10:51

You need to leave @Myshitlife . Just get out and get into a new place as soon as possible xx

Skysblue · 24/11/2021 10:57

OP I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You don’t need our or anyone’s permission to leave asap. Well done for finding the strength to do so. Trust me the kids will be much happier without him!

The house and money can be sorted later the important thing is that you and your children are physically safe.

Other posters: maybe don’t tell a woman in a violent relationship to stay in it while she sorts her house/finances out!! Two women are murdered by their partners every week in the UK…