Leaving him after 20 years

[Myshitlife]

Just that really. He’s been abusive throughout.
I have an 11 & 15 year old but haven’t said anything to them. Haven’t said anything to anyone.
I have a house to view tomorrow and I have enough money saved to pay the month in advance, if it’s anymore I’m going to struggle getting it together.
How do I tell my children that they won’t be living at home with dad anymore?

OP - obviously if you are in danger - leave now.
All we are saying - once you leave - don’t just give up on what’s yours and what you need for your children. And, obviously - DONT continue to keep paying for him to have a nice life in the family house.

Leave and file for divorce. And get what’s legally yours. Don’t let him to continue to abuse you by making you pay for his life.

@Skysblue

OP I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You don’t need our or anyone’s permission to leave asap. Well done for finding the strength to do so. Trust me the kids will be much happier without him!

The house and money can be sorted later the important thing is that you and your children are physically safe.

Other posters: maybe don’t tell a woman in a violent relationship to stay in it while she sorts her house/finances out!! Two women are murdered by their partners every week in the UK…

Thank you for your kindness. I have absolutely no one to talk to irl and I have cancelled my viewing as I don’t want to make my kids lives more difficult. They have all their things here and I know I would have to walk out with nothing, so like others have said, I’m being a bit selfish not doing things properly. I have contacted womensaid previously but my son can’t go with me into a refuge due to age, that’s why I was looking to private rent. I honestly don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore

Can you get him out ? The police will
help if he's abusive.

I did exactly what you are planning OP when I was in my Late 20s in first marriage. Basically gave him everything as I just wanted out— a year later when I was feeling much more myself and he had moved someone in within 3 months of me leaving and I initiated the split up (there was no affair - he just met someone quickly) I regretted not going for what I was due— I thought by giving him everything he would think better of me— nah, I was still the wicked witch of the west— so don’t rush things— you will need at least 10 weeks rent money to move unless you find one of these deals that says ‘no deposit’ in which case you still have to pay for a special insurance policy. I think it would be better to get the money together and unless you think you are in danger ask him to leave or even think about him leaving and you stay put where you are. I understand totally that it seems easier just to bugger off but in the long term it may not be best for you— I think in fact if you can pay the mortgage it would be better to stay put- you would be better served using some of this rent money put aside seeing a good solicitor for a couple of hoursadvice— there are some good online ones too and you can get a lot of good advice in writing from one for about £80.

@tarasmalatarocks. Thank you and I appreciate your advice. I will be staying and getting more money behind me as I can’t afford the upfront costs of private rent. I should have found the strength years ago but didn’t and I do realise it’s my fault for being a doormat.
I hate this house and everything in it (kids and dog not included) and I suppose I was only looking at things from my point of view. I honestly thought leaving would be for the best but I don’t think it would be fair on my children to uproot them from their belongings.

If you do want to move OP, I think it would be best to give it at least 6 months post separation when you and kids will know the score and then ‘sell up’ — which will give you the money for your deposits for rental. Don’t give this arse security on a plate- he doesn’t deserve it- you and kids need it more initially.

You're not selfish OP, just desperate

Contacting Women's Aid doesn't mean you have to go into a refuge OP. Depending on the circumstances they can help you get your partner out of the house, which they did in my case. And if you are low wage or on benefits you can get legal action funded through Legal Aid.

Let Women's Aid help you work out what to do. Keep your plans to yourself and have an overnight bag packed and hidden in case he is violent before you get him out. If you can hide valuable documents, or copy them, without him knowing, that will help you if you have to leave the house suddenly.

You can do this. Hopefully other posters will add useful points to help keep you safe and secure while this awful situation gets sorted. Wishing you strength and courage OP.

And if he gets violent, get out immediately and ring the police - they will help you.

Don't worry about your DC possessions. It's nice if they could at least take their favourites with them but if it's not possible then it's not possible. Getting out of an abusive relationship is for their benefit just as much as for yours.

Speak to Women's Aid again to explore what options are open to you other than going into a refuge. They can help you make a plan, if nothing else.

Speak to the council too. Even if the waiting list is long for someone in your circumstances, if you're allowed to go on it then do. Do you work in the same town you live in? If not, see if you can go onto the council housing list in that town too. If you end up not needing it that's fine, but it's good to have options.

It doesn't hurt to ask what help is available, the worst that can happen is its nothing. Consider also if your son could stay with anyone else while you went into a refuge, a relative or friend perhaps? Until you got back on your feet. Find out if this is a rule for a particular refuge or a blanket rule across all of them. It might be that you could go into a refuge elsewhere in the country and start again from there.

If it ends up being that you need to stay and save, sell everything you can to raise funds and reduce moving costs. I hope you can get out of there soon.

If he's unemployed, he's not going to be taking you to court then? Does anyone know if he could get legal aid? Because if he can't take you to court, you could just change the locks and then what's he going to do about it? He'd be homeless and broke so would maybe get help from the council and housing benefit to pay his rent. It's worth finding out if this is an option. Also I think you can maybe get legal aid if he's done a criminal thing? So report anything you can!

Agree, report it. I started off going to my GP and telling them. I felt it was a place I could talk freely and they took it seriously - impact on my wellbeing, safeguarding my children etc. They got me DV help with referral to Women's Aid and supported me and kids through the entire time that Women's Aid worked with me to get my ex out of house.

WA urged me to call police at any sign of violence. I did and police came and took him away. What helped them do that (and ignore my ex's minimising) was the fact that I was already working with Women's Aid and GP.

I also spoke to my children's school who were great - very sympathetic and supportive. We needed it as it was a tough time, but we got there.

Is that an option for you OP?

@Myshitlife

Just that really. He’s been abusive throughout. I have an 11 & 15 year old but haven’t said anything to them. Haven’t said anything to anyone. I have a house to view tomorrow and I have enough money saved to pay the month in advance, if it’s anymore I’m going to struggle getting it together. How do I tell my children that they won’t be living at home with dad anymore?

All the best op, I guess at that age they should understand although they may be puzzled.

You need to go. But you need to exit smartly too.

Seek legal advice lovely.

He's going to be blindsided, he won't like it, he will turn even more vile.

Keep evidence, messages, photos, tangible things he can't deny.

Have a financial plan that if he's remaining in the home, he needs to contribute xxx etc.

Having a solid plan will give you confidence too.