What's the etiquette in this dating situation..?

[ICanHearTheTrain]

I've known a man for about 4 years. For all of that time, he has been in a relationship. I was in one for the last 2. We are part of a wider, very close, drama free friendship group. His partner, amongst others, is known to the group but not part of it.

3 weeks ago, some of us were on a night out and had been drinking. He told me he had feelings for me and had for about 3 years. I said nothing because he was in a relationship.

I spoke to him about it the following weekend and he apologised. Said it was all true but that he shouldn't have said anything. I agreed.

Anyway, the weekend after that, and unbeknownst to each other, we both ended our relationships. There was no conversation about it beforehand and so neither of us knew the other was going to do it. Neither of us ended our relationships for the other or with any expectation of anything happening between us. We only mentioned it after the fact. I knew I needed to end my relationship and just hadn't. He hadn't been happy for a while but said he hadn't realised how unhappy he was until then. So whilst we didn't end our relationships for each other, I suppose realising we each had feelings for someone else gave us both the impetus to do it.

We went out on Saturday night and had a lovely time. We'd both like to see how things go.

We've decided to keep it low key for now. We want to minimise the fall out in the friendship group if it doesn't work.

I'm also very conscious that it feels there was an overlap even though nothing happened and we didn't see each other alone until after we were both single. We didn't even have great emotionally charged conversations. It wasn't an 'affair' and, whilst he crossed a line initially by saying something, no lines were crossed after that.

I would never date a friend's ex no matter how I felt. But his ex is not and has never been my friend. I liked her and we got on when we met but that is all.

Is this completely inappropriate? Should I expect fall out when it comes out? Are we doing anything 'wrong'?

Id say it was worryingly fast after your relationships ended.

I really can't see the problem here. Take it slowly to see how it goes before any announcements.

@FallonCarringtonWannabe

Id say it was worryingly fast after your relationships ended.

Tbh, normally I'd agree. I usually take 12+ months off between relationships but this time, the timing was just as it was.

No rushing. No urgency. It doesn't feel necessary if I'm honest.

We've both said that.

Ik now what I think about the timescales and its not ideal but I think I'm more concerned people would think it had been carrying on behind her back.

@Nowomenaroundeh

I really can't see the problem here. Take it slowly to see how it goes before any announcements.

Thanks. That's reassuring to read.

No one will believe there was no overlap. People will have noticed your body language the night you had your big talk and will have jumped to conclusions. But, given you and he are their friends and not your respective exes, will they care? Personally I wouldn't try hide it from the group, as that will just cause more gossip.

I really would keep it quiet until well after Christmas.

Don't be tempted to say a word to ANYONE.

Give it time to see is there anything to it.

No point in it getting out if it doesn't last.

Don't rush into this.

You may have gotten together quickly, but you certainly haven't been dishonest nor duplicitous.

If you do decide to pursue this, agree a "starting date" between you, and stick to it like glue.

It really isn't anyone's business, but it is wise to be sensitive to the feelings of others by being discreet.

Honestly the ex’s and the friendship group may well think there was a cross over but all you can do is explain it as you have - there were some feelings but there was only ever one conversation and absolutely no action taken until well after you were both single.

Out of respect you could let the ex’s know the situation but that really depends on how things ended.

But either way, you both know the truth and assuming these are good friends - they will believe you and know you’re being honest.

Unfortunately the ex’s may not - but there’s really nothing you can do to control what other people think or believe, even if they’re totally wrong.

I say go for it, enjoy it, life is bloody short. Who says you need a “grace period” between relationships? You do what feels right between the two of you as mature, consenting adults.

@5128gap

No one will believe there was no overlap. People will have noticed your body language the night you had your big talk and will have jumped to conclusions. But, given you and he are their friends and not your respective exes, will they care? Personally I wouldn't try hide it from the group, as that will just cause more gossip.

Thanks. That's the thing. I think at the point in the evening we had the chat, which was really more of a declaration on his part and stunned silence on mine! Everyone was a bit tipsy and we all went home shortly afterwards. There was no public cosying up.

@billy1966

I really would keep it quiet until well after Christmas.

Don't be tempted to say a word to ANYONE.

Give it time to see is there anything to it.

No point in it getting out if it doesn't last.

Don't rush into this.

You may have gotten together quickly, but you certainly haven't been dishonest nor duplicitous.

If you do decide to pursue this, agree a "starting date" between you, and stick to it like glue.

It really isn't anyone's business, but it is wise to be sensitive to the feelings of others by being discreet.

Thank you.

I think my fear was that it was wrong even though there really was nothing between us before.

And we both want to be discreet. I don't think my ex would be particularly bothered. I don't know about his.

When we were out at the weekend, we went somewhere where we were confident we wouldn't see anyone we knew. By sheer coincidence, we bumped into my ex's 2 best friends. Awkward introductions over, and the 4 of us spent a couple of hours together. Before we left, they told us that they were really pleased for us and that we looked really happy together.

I think it was such a stark contrast to how my ex and I were. He was very cold towards me emotionally and physically. It was obvious.

There is no rush and I agree with the start date. I don't think we were planning on waiting 6 months and pretending it had just happened. Just that we weren't advertising it out of respect.

No need to make anything public until you both are certain the relationship has legs and will work. Because it will of course upset some in the group who were his ex's friends, but if you can show a respectable amount of time before going public and are both sure you want it, then no one can say anything.

Until then carry on dating, and seeing how the transition from friendship to relationship goes. You haven't done anything wrong, and actually both ending it immediately after the declaration was the considerate thing to do. People will assume that there were always some feelings there likely, but you can't control that narrative.

There were feelings on his side for about 3 years. One of the guys in the group is his best friend so he knew but I had no idea.

I did have feelings for him but I don't think I realised what they were. He was off limits as he had a partner and so I just didn't look at him in that way. Tbh, I'd considered them to be inseparable. But you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

She was on the periphery of the group. She was known and liked but not actually friends with anyone in her own right.

I've just never been in a situation like this before. And didn't think I ever would be.

Oh, your ex's friends will probably have told him already.

People will definitely think something was going on beforehand.

@category12

Oh, your ex's friends will probably have told him already.

People will definitely think something was going on beforehand.

No they won't. They said they wouldn't and I trust them on that. I've become friends with one and we are still in contact even though his friend and I have split up.

Tbh though, I'm less bothered about my ex and want he thinks. My friendship group only met him a few times and didn't really like the way he was with me anyway.

But his ex had been around a lot longer.

I think I'm worried people will think something was going on because of the timing. But it really wasn't.

All you can do is be honest. Your true friends will know you and your character and will listen to you. Anyone who stirs or isn't willing to listen to a friend telling the truth isn't a true friend.

I doubt it'll stay secret or discreet, if two people already know. However nice they are, people love a bit of tattle.

It is really soon, and it does look "bad".

But it really doesn't matter. If you're comfortable with your choices, then disregard anything negative and anyone who matters won't give a shit.

I think you're overthinking it. A relationship grown from friendship is the best type as you already know a lot about each other. I'd just take it slow and not worry too much about what others think - you know what happened.

It is soon 😕

That's why we've decided to be low key.

The group is all meeting up tomorrow night so I guess that'll be a bit of a test. He's going to tell them they've split up because we haven't all got together since. I don't know if I'm supposed to look surprised and say I'm sorry or just stay quiet and hope no one notices 😕

@CouldThisReallyBe

I think you're overthinking it. A relationship grown from friendship is the best type as you already know a lot about each other. I'd just take it slow and not worry too much about what others think - you know what happened.

That's what I'm hoping for...

Thanks

Gordon Bennett, how about giving yourself some space & healing time before launching into the next man?

Who says you need a “grace period” between relationships?

Most relationship experts, plus anyone with an ounce of sense, & a feeling of responsibility toward the other party, & a sense of decency toward their ex.

So they only split up a week ago?

It does lack a sense of decency toward his ex. She could be absolutely heartbroken and heard about him being on a date a week later.

Unless someone was an awful person then I would always think they deserve that bit of compassion and decency while they were still probably in shock and hadn't even started to begin to process it.

You said they seemed inseparable! He doesn't seem like a very nice guy if he is that careless with her feelings so soon after ending the relationship. You might say oh he is lovely etc...but if you were with someone and they broke up with you after 4 years and he started seeing someone instantly you would probably consider him heartless and cruel!

I mean, yes, I would totally assume there was an overlap. But I’m a sucker for gossip! Having said that I wouldn’t care if you were my friend. What matters is that you both know there was no cheating. People closest to you will also know the truth- who cares what the rest of them have to say! But I’d definitely be keeping it on the DL for a few months just out of respect for your exes.

Be careful and take it slow. Don't confuse flattery that he was interested and your unhappiness in your relationship for something that may not actually be real. Did you really have feelings for him or were you just friends?
By all means hang out together. But you need a really clear exit strategy for either of you if it isn't working and one that won't blow up your friendship group.

You haven't done anything wrong. You were both in relationships that weren't working. You ended your previous relationships before looking to start a new one.
As you haven't done anything wrong, the speed you go at is up to you although I'd think it would be hard to hide it from the other people in your group. However, it's likely that both your exs will think there was an overlap so I'd either address it with them first, or give it a few weeks before you start dating if you don't want any possible ill-feeling.