What's the etiquette in this dating situation..?

[ICanHearTheTrain]

I've known a man for about 4 years. For all of that time, he has been in a relationship. I was in one for the last 2. We are part of a wider, very close, drama free friendship group. His partner, amongst others, is known to the group but not part of it.

3 weeks ago, some of us were on a night out and had been drinking. He told me he had feelings for me and had for about 3 years. I said nothing because he was in a relationship.

I spoke to him about it the following weekend and he apologised. Said it was all true but that he shouldn't have said anything. I agreed.

Anyway, the weekend after that, and unbeknownst to each other, we both ended our relationships. There was no conversation about it beforehand and so neither of us knew the other was going to do it. Neither of us ended our relationships for the other or with any expectation of anything happening between us. We only mentioned it after the fact. I knew I needed to end my relationship and just hadn't. He hadn't been happy for a while but said he hadn't realised how unhappy he was until then. So whilst we didn't end our relationships for each other, I suppose realising we each had feelings for someone else gave us both the impetus to do it.

We went out on Saturday night and had a lovely time. We'd both like to see how things go.

We've decided to keep it low key for now. We want to minimise the fall out in the friendship group if it doesn't work.

I'm also very conscious that it feels there was an overlap even though nothing happened and we didn't see each other alone until after we were both single. We didn't even have great emotionally charged conversations. It wasn't an 'affair' and, whilst he crossed a line initially by saying something, no lines were crossed after that.

I would never date a friend's ex no matter how I felt. But his ex is not and has never been my friend. I liked her and we got on when we met but that is all.

Is this completely inappropriate? Should I expect fall out when it comes out? Are we doing anything 'wrong'?

@ChargingBuck

Who says you need a “grace period” between relationships?

Most relationship experts, plus anyone with an ounce of sense, & a feeling of responsibility toward the other party, & a sense of decency toward their ex.

I disagree, and I'm not sure 'most relationship experts' or quite a lot of people with sense would actually agree with you, here. Have you asked them..?

Be yourself, OP. Don't act out a 'grace period' unless you want one. Some people might not think it's the best idea, but so what? If they're good friends, they'll just sit down with you and check that you feel you're not rushing. They won't be concerned about etiquette, they'll be concerned about you.

Anyone who judges you negatively for doing things that make you happy isn't a friend. And if people think there was a crossover, then, if they trust you, they'll believe you when you tell them what happened. You might need to think a bit more about whether there was a crossover, though. It sounds like him declaring his feelings whilst you were still with your exes was a (the?) catalyst for your break ups. That sounds like a bit of a crossover to me, even though nothing physical had happened.

Be honest with yourself, and be honest with those around you. Be true to your feelings, and sensitive to those of your exes, if they've been sensitive to yours, over the years. Pretending you're not in a relationship with someone when you are is a lie, and one that could hurt people more than being truthful at the time. It'll look a lot more like you've been having a full blown affair if you start lying about when the relationship started.

@CouldThisReallyBe

I think you're overthinking it. A relationship grown from friendship is the best type as you already know a lot about each other. I'd just take it slow and not worry too much about what others think - you know what happened.

This.

Why are others' opinions so important to you?

People are busy; they really don't care all that much. Enjoy your new romance.

OP I think you're doing everything sensibly and thoughtfully, and by the book (insofar as there's any accepted etiquette around this at all).

You need to accept that you can't wholly control the narrative though. You can keep it lowkey for now and you can tell your friends what you've told us. Some of them might raise an eyebrow at the timeline. But if they're good friends it shouldn't matter.

I'm part of a social group that had a few relationship changes with timelines that made me go hmm. I still don't know what the actual truth was but years later I'm still friends with everyone involved, and there was no huge drama, because they seemed to treat each other with respect afterwards.

How many others in your social group do the both of you fancy?

I disagree, and I'm not sure 'most relationship experts' or quite a lot of people with sense would actually agree with you, here. Have you asked them..?

A fair few, over the years, @TheFoundations. See also the popular trope that most people are familiar with - "don't be his rebound girlfriend".