If you are not in touch with your friends

category12 · 23/11/2021 18:08

Not sure what your previous thread was, so don't have that context.

I'm not a great one for constant contact with friends, we kind of pick up and drop off, usually get in touch every few weeks if we're busy/not having an ongoing conversation.

I'm a bit fed up with someone who offloads on me a lot and doesn't really seem interested in my life, so I haven't been bothering with them much - just need a rest from it, I will probably catch up with them again in a while when I've built a bridge and got over it.

I like kind of loose connections with people where there's not too much pressure to be continually in touch, but we can just pick up from where we left off without reproach.

todaysdilemma · 23/11/2021 18:17

I've had various groups of friends for about 15 years, and the friendship has lasted this long exactly because there isn't any pressure for regular contact. In fact, with almost all of them we text every couple of weeks and meet up every 2-3 months, sometimes more frequently if there's birthday or a special occasion. But when we do meet up, it's proper quality time and if there was ever an emergency or need to contact/need support, I know they'd be there as I would for them. But day to day, I don't think much about them - will see their updates on social media or a group whatsapp so have a general idea of big things going on.

We're all mid-late 30s and it's been like this since we all hit our 30s and life got more serious. Everyone has really busy lives and between stressful jobs, partners, kids in some cases, hobbies, family, life admin, holidays - there just isn't time to regularly check in on friends.

I have had a few newer friends get very cross when I didn't want to message every day on top of long phone calls and meet ups. Those friendships ran their course when I tried to explain why I just couldn't be that available, and they wouldn't accept it. It was obviously a mismatch of expectations but some people need friends more than others - and if this is you, maybe try organising in-person catch ups rather than relying on text? Also, don't take it as a personal affront. Most people aren't looking to piss off their friends - they just have other stuff in life going on, and friendship isn't always a priority.

This may also be a good opportunity to throw yourself into hobbies where you can meet new people and widen your social circle. It takes the pressure of a few people, and means you also always have hobby socials to look forward to.

rampitup · 23/11/2021 18:19

It is definitely the 'busy' thing with me. I have to actively remind myself to send messages as it doesn't come natural. Maybe that means I'm more self-centred than I perhaps should be.

Please don't feel reluctant to start a chat though. I appreciate receiving messages and I don't think I'm alone in that. Maybe they're not sending you messages because they are thinking that you're busy?!

OldTinHat · 23/11/2021 18:20

Why not reach out to them and say hi, ask them how they are OP? They may feel exactly the same way as you.

mybroomstick · 23/11/2021 18:23

I think it depends.

I can go 2-3 weeks without talking to my very best friends that I adore, and when we talk again it's like no time has passed.

I have other friends who I'm less close to and we share the odd funny comment/meme often, but don't get into extended messaging.

It doesn't always mean anything. Sometimes 3 days will go by where I feel like all I've done is rush about, get daily life done and fall into bed knackered and then think oh shit I didn't reply to that message.

I have a couple of friend/acquaintances that message me more often than I message them, but I don't want to get into a closer/more high maintenance conversation with them for various reasons. Happy to chat occasionally but don't want to text back and forth every hour as they would.

It depends on a million things, what work people do, what their home life is like etc.

OnyxOryx · 23/11/2021 18:24

I'm not someone who offloads onto friends, so when there's a problem I retreat into a world that consists of sorting it out and being restful in between. Then when it's over I take note of who hasn't been in touch (we're talking months generally not weeks and I'll reply to those who contact me during this time, just I don't make the first move) and I generally don't contact those people who don't get in touch ever again, and they generally will never contact me again either.

I also stop contacting anyone who constantly cancels or rearranges meetups because I find it annoying.

Other than that I'm same as PP in touch every few weeks.

Its no good thinking they'll get in touch with you if they want so you needn't make the first move, if everyone thought like that nobody would ever contact anybody.

But I don't like it if it's all one way, hence dropping the people who don't bother to contact me during difficult times. Those times highlight who doesn't think about me and only replies if I message first and who thinks about me and contacts me if they haven't heard from me. So I suppose it comes down to, if I'm not contacting someone it's because they've shown me they don't really care about me and I've decided I can't be bothering with that.

todaysdilemma · 23/11/2021 18:28

I do however tend to give a lot of space to friends who treat the friendship as a surrogate relationship or therapy, because it adds a layer of intensity I don't really enjoy. Because it just cannot be maintained as life moves on for one or the other. Unlike relationships where you both grow together, in friendships you grow in different ways and at different paces - it's not reasonable to expect that dynamic can last forever, particularly if there's big life changes happening too.

AgedVellum · 23/11/2021 18:36

@OnyxOryx

I'm not someone who offloads onto friends, so when there's a problem I retreat into a world that consists of sorting it out and being restful in between. Then when it's over I take note of who hasn't been in touch (we're talking months generally not weeks and I'll reply to those who contact me during this time, just I don't make the first move) and I generally don't contact those people who don't get in touch ever again, and they generally will never contact me again either.

I also stop contacting anyone who constantly cancels or rearranges meetups because I find it annoying.

Other than that I'm same as PP in touch every few weeks.

Its no good thinking they'll get in touch with you if they want so you needn't make the first move, if everyone thought like that nobody would ever contact anybody.

But I don't like it if it's all one way, hence dropping the people who don't bother to contact me during difficult times. Those times highlight who doesn't think about me and only replies if I message first and who thinks about me and contacts me if they haven't heard from me. So I suppose it comes down to, if I'm not contacting someone it's because they've shown me they don't really care about me and I've decided I can't be bothering with that.

But do the people who haven’t contacted you even know you’re having a difficult time if you retreat so entirely into sorting it out? It seems a bit arbitrary to cut them off. If you retreat entirely from people when you have issues, how do you know they’re not having difficulties of their own and dealing with them similarly?

OP, I haven’t seen your other thread, but your remark about going days without a text from a friend sounds entirely normal to me, and I have lots of friends. Texts for me are utilitarian methods of arranging to meet or talk on the phone. I would only do ‘checking in’ messages if there was something wrong.

doitwithlove · 23/11/2021 18:42

I have a couple of friends who I have put on the back burner as it is always me who contacts them and travels to them. I am at that stage in my life where I cannot be bothered meeting up. They are not local to where I live, life goes on.

mybroomstick · 23/11/2021 18:43

@todaysdilemma

I do however tend to give a lot of space to friends who treat the friendship as a surrogate relationship or therapy, because it adds a layer of intensity I don't really enjoy. Because it just cannot be maintained as life moves on for one or the other. Unlike relationships where you both grow together, in friendships you grow in different ways and at different paces - it's not reasonable to expect that dynamic can last forever, particularly if there's big life changes happening too.

This is very true, it's very difficult when this happens.

I had one friend where during a difficult time for her she wanted me to basically become her unpaid counsellor and assistant. 4 hour calls, phoning at 3am, asking at 6am if I could come pick up her children (she was an addict).

It had such an enormous affect on my own mental health that I ended up in therapy.

In the end I send her a list of charity and professional resources and ended the friendship. It made me so unwell that I was missing work and jeopardising my health.

OnyxOryx · 23/11/2021 19:46

Aged vellum you're missing the point. I don't want support for a difficult time. I just want equal friendship and not a one way thing, effort wise.

If I hadn't heard from someone for a few weeks I'd contact them, that's what I do under normal circumstances when I'm not snowed under with stress and drama. If someone contacts me I'll always get back to them within a few days, however shitty things may be going for me.

If they can go 4 months/a year/whatever without thinking "ooh I haven't heard from OnxyOryx for a while, best drop her a message" then they don't actually care about me at all.

They don't need to already know things are difficult for me right then, to care about me in a general way and have the thought to contact me to check in and be bothered enough to do it.

OnyxOryx · 23/11/2021 19:49

And you're right in some cases it might just be bad luck for both of us to be having a difficult time at the same time. But mostly I can see on social media what they have been upto and it's business as usual.

category12 · 23/11/2021 19:50

@OnyxOryx But isn't it possible they think you've ghosted them or don't want to be in contact if you've dropped silently off the radar?

OnyxOryx · 23/11/2021 19:58

I don't see why? If I didn't reply to a message or return a call, that's ghosting. But if the last time we met/spoke/messaged was instigated by me and everything was fine between us, why would someone then assume they'd been ghosted because I didn't make the first contact yet again?

batmanladybird · 23/11/2021 20:16

@silverstar2021

...is it because you just never think much about them? Because you are too busy? Or do you think about them but don't feel the need to be in touch often? That you prefer other friends?

I'm getting myself upset lately (following on my previous thread) that those who I consider my 'friends' haven't been in touch much. I can go days without a single text from a friend.

In the past things have been balanced, but i'm always reluctant to sometimes start a chat as I presume that if somebody wants to be in touch, then they'd be in touch?

Texts or WhatsApp?

batmanladybird · 23/11/2021 20:18

I am busy
I am crap at calling back
But I have a few groups I am part of on WhatsApp where I will
Share memes etc

What I like about WhatsApp is the conversation is always there
Also if you are in a group it's easier to keep
It going

I also do a "checking in. How are you?" Post every now and then

AgedVellum · 23/11/2021 20:23

@OnyxOryx

I don't see why? If I didn't reply to a message or return a call, that's ghosting. But if the last time we met/spoke/messaged was instigated by me and everything was fine between us, why would someone then assume they'd been ghosted because I didn't make the first contact yet again?

It just sounds insanely petty. I have good friends I haven’t had contact from in probably a year, but I don’t rule them out of my life on the grounds of me having been the last person to initiate contact.

Original poster

silverstar2021 · 23/11/2021 20:28

@batmanladybird Both

OP posts:

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 23/11/2021 20:30

Days without a text? I can go weeks, months and in some cases years without texts from certain friends (and cousins!). I don't think anything bad. Everybody is just living their lives.

Maybe work on generating more friends, just in general - have more options so if a couple of friends are "busy" for a couple of months, you don't notice.

I had one very outgoing social butterfly person tell me it actually takes quite a few "friends on a shelf" to have a full social life because people will fade in and out. You need lots of options.

FenceSplinters · 23/11/2021 20:33

I have one friend. It dawned on me recently that it’s always me making contact, so I’ve decided to leave it to see if she will contact me. It’s been three weeks. I feel alone and let down.

NoSquirrels · 23/11/2021 20:37

In the past things have been balanced, but i'm always reluctant to sometimes start a chat as I presume that if somebody wants to be in touch, then they'd be in touch?

Stop being reluctant. Perhaps they’re a bit crap, perhaps they’re having a shot time, who knows? You don’t, if you don’t make contact.

Original poster

silverstar2021 · 23/11/2021 21:02

@FenceSplinters

I have one friend. It dawned on me recently that it’s always me making contact, so I’ve decided to leave it to see if she will contact me. It’s been three weeks. I feel alone and let down.

@FenceSplinters The exact reason I posted this thread, but a couple of good friends. 3 weeks and counting.

OP posts:

ILoveHuskies · 23/11/2021 21:03

@FenceSplinters

I have one friend. It dawned on me recently that it’s always me making contact, so I’ve decided to leave it to see if she will contact me. It’s been three weeks. I feel alone and let down.

Shit isn't it when people are like this

OnyxOryx · 23/11/2021 22:47

It just sounds insanely petty. I have good friends I haven’t had contact from in probably a year, but I don’t rule them out of my life on the grounds of me having been the last person to initiate contact.

Well now you're just putting words into my mouth. I didn't say that's why I drop someone.

I've said several times now that I drop people if they never contact me first. Which I usually realise I'm in that sort of friendship when something comes up that means I don't contact them. Then the fact they never contact me first becomes really noticeable.

It's not pretty to get on with my life, prioritising the people who bother to stay in touch, the ones who put equal effort into the friendship.

If you want friends who don't bother to contact you from one year to the next that's upto you, I don't. But I'm not even talking about that. I'm talking about the ones where if I don't contact them first, they never contact me again either. They're not popping back up after a year and I'm ignoring them, they're never popping back up. I can only conclude that's because they're not bothered about the friendship.

I CBA with chasing half-hearted people. I'd rather focus on those who make an effort to be part of my life same as I make an effort to be part of theirs.

OnyxOryx · 23/11/2021 22:47

*petty not pretty