If you are not in touch with your friends

[silverstar2021]

...is it because you just never think much about them? Because you are too busy? Or do you think about them but don't feel the need to be in touch often? That you prefer other friends?

I'm getting myself upset lately (following on my previous thread) that those who I consider my 'friends' haven't been in touch much. I can go days without a single text from a friend.

In the past things have been balanced, but i'm always reluctant to sometimes start a chat as I presume that if somebody wants to be in touch, then they'd be in touch?

I think this heavily depends if you have a partner and children, where I've seen many treat friends like an 'opt out' option, not bothering much friends because your 'real life' is at home with your partner and child(ren).

In my experience those in nuclear families tend to behave like this ona regular basis. Friendships are mostly a gap filler when hubbies are busy/away rather than an integral part of their friend's lives. I'd say friendship 'neglect' is common. If a divorce happens, then the women come out of wood works looking to 'reconnect' with previous friends as they are now lonely....

@silverstar2021 I think I may have seen your other post about friendships and commented.

Some of the responses on here about not contacting people for weeks or month. I believe What you mean is people just literally not contacting at all and you always having to be the one to make contact!
This is half my old friends.

I am meeting one of my oldest/ best friends next week. I have over the last few years made all the effort. FaceTime x 2 over lockdown. One or two messages to say here and there. Bottle of bubbles sent on their milestone birthday. Not stalking but normal amount of low level contact I have had nothing back. Finally I said it's a shame we have drifted & disconnected. They came back and have said it's just life getting in the way and they are sooo busy with family there isn't time for anything else.

Basically we have drifted. I am not on her radar anymore or in her world. I feel like that with a lot of friends. I have other more local mates, I have lots of hobbies and other new friends. I have come to accept that old friendships do drift with distance and time. I will always be friends with her, but it's going to be different now we are older, it will be a once a year phone call or coffee, maybe that will even stop. I have friends now I will see once every 12 months. It's sad but I do accept it now

I think whats most upsetting for me, is that my other friends are single like I am at the moment. (We are in our thirties) and I know for a fact they are communicating with others. Just not me. It just feels incredibly lonely, affects my self esteem and makes me feel like I don't matter.

What do you want from these chats, though? Why not organise a night out, or have them over for dinner or something?

@silverstar2021

I think whats most upsetting for me, is that my other friends are single like I am at the moment. (We are in our thirties) and I know for a fact they are communicating with others. Just not me. It just feels incredibly lonely, affects my self esteem and makes me feel like I don't matter.

Hmmm, do you think they may possibly find the other friendships easier/lighter for whatever reason? Not always fair, but I do know that when I was single and living alone, I gravitated towards friends who were uplifting or I could share activities/hobbies with, rather than friends where I felt an obligation to be the primary emotional support or they were always unhappy/complaining - or I was doing the same to them. Those friendships felt codependent then - and I recognised the unhealthy pattern and tried to break it. Just because it really drained me and living on my own, I needed to look after my mental health. It felt too mean to come out and say that to them, so I just took space in order to re-set the friendship to a lighter, more fun dynamic.

Given what you have said about the impact the friendship is having on you - I would say, kindly, that you maybe far too emotionally invested in them and that can feel like a burden sometimes - to be so responsible for someone's else's feelings and self esteem. It would feel too much even in a romantic relationship. Self soothing and being able to accept your friends have lives of their own too, and your self esteem/mood shouldn't be so dependent on whether they text or not.

Do you have hobbies you can get involved in? That will take you out of the house and meeting new people?

@silverstar2021

I think whats most upsetting for me, is that my other friends are single like I am at the moment. (We are in our thirties) and I know for a fact they are communicating with others. Just not me. It just feels incredibly lonely, affects my self esteem and makes me feel like I don't matter.

Of course it's upsetting. I do believe that far too many people only seem to have 'emotional space' for romantic relationships or it's only acceptable to be emotionally invested in romantic relationships... Societal expectations of some sort?

Is there anyone in your group of friends that you can confide in and ask about why you've been excluded/not included as much?

OP if you want to continue losing friends through life carry on the way you are - but at least admit to yourself that you are active in that decision.

If you are whittling friends down because they are not in constant contact you are could end up very isolated.

I would find it really intense to have to be in constant contact with some one, I am so busy with my business, kids and home. And I have not got the mental capacity to support anyone through a dark time at the moment - I just haven't. I have just gone through a really shit separation (not even started divorce proceedings yet) and coming out the other side so can't take on anyones emotional baggage at the moment, so my interactions with people are very light and surface level. I do not talk about my shit and I certainly dont want to listen to some one elses.

At this moment I only tend to answer a text rather than text people because my mind is like spaghetti. In the evening I am either working or dealing with the kids. I am just not sat there thinking about other people.

This week I contacted my spa friend ( obviously some one who is always up for a spa) I need some self care as I am frazzled I had not spoken to her in 3 or so months. She is also busy with her own business and kids, she was up for it - no drama.

I think what some people find shit though is when you feel like no one contacts you first. That you're always texting first etc

But then you see the same friends are interacting with other friends and not you. Usually the way you know this is when you see it on the dreaded Facebook 😫
(The answer to that is to come off Facebook of course!)

@ILoveHuskies

I think what some people find shit though is when you feel like no one contacts you first. That you're always texting first etc

But then you see the same friends are interacting with other friends and not you. Usually the way you know this is when you see it on the dreaded Facebook 😫
(The answer to that is to come off Facebook of course!)

I think this might be because other people like the pp's spa friend are just a lot more relaxed about contact. If you feel "oh shit, it's been a few weeks since I spoke to X. I'd like to reach out now but if I do they'll be passive aggressive and give me aggro and make me feel bad, and I cba explaining to them I was just busy as they'll just guilt trip me", you just won't bother. You'll instead reach out to Y as you know there won't be a big drama made over the fact that you got busy and haven't been in touch. I mean, OP has made 2 threads of only 3 weeks of no contact after she already questioned her friend for taking more time between replies. Of course, that level of intensity will come across as overly demanding and stressful.

Most people, whatever the relationship (romantic, friendship, family, work) will avoid like the plague situations or people where they have to be confrontational, be told off, feel guilty etc. Our tolerance for it is a lot lower in situations we can actually avoid. You can't avoid your partner at home or your boss at work - so you will make the effort there. With friendship, you will just focus on people who are more understanding/empathetic and every interaction doesn't feel as loaded.

Have you asked them to meet up sometime soon? How often do you see them?

I think it's more about the overall picture. I have a friend I see every few weeks, we don't chat much in between. I have another friend I only see once in a while, we chat every couple weeks.

If you are feeling really invisible to them then I would suggest getting some more friends, I mean why not.

@todaysdilemma yeah good point !! Could be that