DD growing up and I feel am losing ability to connect - will it wear off?

[SarrotCoup]

She’s 15. Have just discovered she’s gay and dating one of her friends. Other friends know she’s a lesbian but don’t know they are dating because friend’s previous relationship didn’t got down well with parents so she doesn’t want them to know. DD seems completely relaxed in herself but says she wasn’t going to tell me or DH, not because she thought we’d have an issue with it but because she finds talking about it “awkward” (I have a problem with the friend’s parents not knowing but it’s not my place to interfere there).

I think the situation around her current relationship sounds quite stressful and messy but I can hear DD on group chats with all her friends as if she hasn’t got a care in the world. I was such a ball of worry at her age and until recently she’s seemed so like me. I feel like I am suddenly realising she’s quite different in terms of who she is and how she handles life and I don’t know what’s to do, how to relate to her. There are times when she seems to find things that seem quite trivial “awkward” and hides behind DC2 to get them to deal with it. She used to tell me to tell DH that she wasn’t going to one of her activities because her period had started, now she just tells him directly when she’s not going as she knows he knows not to ask any questions. Stupid as it might sound, I was quite touched she’d approach me about a small personal thing but now she’s comfortable she won’t be questioned by DH she’s stopped which has made me realise it was purely a logistical issue.

I feel like I don’t know how to pull together the different pieces of her together in my head. I’m not very comfortable socially and my house is my haven and feeling like my DD grew up while I didn’t notice and now I don’t quite know who all of the people in my house are is an odd feeling. I’m also sad because I feel like I missed the last stages of her child-self while I was messing about with other things (sitting on the internet reading rubbish mainly).

Obviously at her age she spends much of her time in her room chatting with friends when she is not physically with them and I’ve had the feeling for while when I did see her that I couldn’t find the kid I knew which I’ve struggled with. In the past few months I’ve taken her and DC2 out to try to bond as we used to and but I felt it didn’t really hit the mark. I feel a bit silly now and am not sure what else to do. We’ve always gone out together as a family but more in terms of trips to the beach and walks than activities where the focus is the activity itself so to start trying to do something like that feels fake and forced.

Will this feeling wear off? Will I start feeling comfortable again? Will I reconnect with my DD? I’m menopausal and I think some if my feelings are bound up in losing my parents (my DF not long after DD was born) and my own relationship with my late mother which was strained. I just feel so very sad right now.

You’re starting with empty nest syndrome.
It’s hard, when you’ve given so many years of your life to them, that they then move away from you. But it’s the way it is.
She sounds independent, which is what you want.
I’ve recently found myself in the position where it’s the last one at home, the others rarely contact me, and I feel quite lonely and lost. I gave up a lot to raise them and they don’t appreciate that, but it was my choice at the end of the day.
So now I’ve decided to be proud that I’ve brought up independent adults, they know I’m always here when they need/want me, but I’m finding myself a new life. Deciding how I’m going to live this new chapter.

@GoodnightGrandma

You’re starting with empty nest syndrome. It’s hard, when you’ve given so many years of your life to them, that they then move away from you. But it’s the way it is. She sounds independent, which is what you want. I’ve recently found myself in the position where it’s the last one at home, the others rarely contact me, and I feel quite lonely and lost. I gave up a lot to raise them and they don’t appreciate that, but it was my choice at the end of the day. So now I’ve decided to be proud that I’ve brought up independent adults, they know I’m always here when they need/want me, but I’m finding myself a new life. Deciding how I’m going to live this new chapter.

Yes it’s this really.

My dd is 18 and just started university and wow the empty nest thing is HARD. But I now realise that it started around 15/16 and has continued from there - and now she’s not even living here anymore!

But - trying to be positive- your relationship changes and they still need you, just in different ways. I won’t hear from dd for a few days and all of a sudden she needs me to ring her NOW about something adult ish (housing / money) and she needs some help. She comes back for holidays and Christmas etc and it takes a while but we reconnect again. I think the relationship just changes. It’s sad but we have children to let them grow and become independent.

I think the late teens is such a selfish and difficult time as well. I think as they get older they do tend to calm down and appreciate their family more…!

JK Rowling said something true - that as your kids grow up you mourn the stages that have passed. They do change quite dramatically.

You are at the start of the peak phase when they are really pulling away from parents (it’s a natural stage, they have to separate to grow up), by her early 20s she’ll be an adult and much more back in your orbit.

Expect to find her a stranger at this stage, stay open to her and take her clues on how to stay as connected as you can - she does need you as a solid base, or to come to in times of trouble. So work out what she’ll appreciate doing with you - talking while you drive her somewhere in the car (no eye contact = less pressure) or paying for lunch or Sat morning coffee just the two of you. The feeling of your house being taken over by kids you don’t know is normal. Obviously you have to have ground rules, but being a gathering place is a great way to stay close to her. (A well stocked kitchen is helpful here.)

You’ve clearly done an ace job raising your daughter if she is so confident and comfortable with herself - so pat yourself on the back for a wonderful job.

In the meantime, you are at a change point too - so figure out what you want out of your life for the next stage - starting to think about and action that is exciting, and helps offset the feelings of loss. It also helps you be a good role model to her.

They all grow up with out us noticing. One day you have fully fledged teenager that doesn't need your help ( they always do)

My eldest dd is 25, I lost her from 15 to 21. Every thing I did pissed her off. Your dd is just finding out who she is. She will come back. One of the things I found worked a bit (for me to reconnect) was if I was talking to her I would touch her arm, elbow, say her hair looked nice, brought her a cup of tea sometimes in bed, left little gifts for her.

She will come back to you (emotionally) when she has found her groove in life and you will have a different more mature relationship. My dd1 now lives in the Middle East due to her work and we speak daily on watsapp, I am visiting her at xmas.

Dont worry about her relationship with her friend. Its al part of her growing up and exploring who she is

This thread is so sad and heartwarming at the same time. OP I totally get it, my DD is the same age. I know she needs a lot of privacy, she is quite introverted in some ways. So after all her chatting and socialising with friends, she has nothing left for her family. But that's fine and how it should be really.

With daughters its hard not to project yourself into their experiences I think. My mum died when I was very young and so with DD I've really loved having a mother- daughter relationship for what feels like the first time . But that's not my DDs issue to cope with.

The other replies have great advice and I have just rambled on uselessly, but good luck, you're not alone

I agree with Grandma

I just feel constantly in awe of my children (23 and 15) and love to see them growing up and becoming more independent. This is what I hoped for them.

They are both more socially skilled than me. I love to see the way they engage with the world and the confidence they have in themselves.

I'm a single parent although they both see their dad regularly and I know I gave them this - this confidence and self assuredness.

I'm pleased that my daughter feels able to tell her dad stuff directly - I would NEVER have done that! And he and I both made that possible.

It's just a case of reframing it in your head.

She's 15. She's doing exactly what she should he doing at this age and stage to.become a full functioning, independent adult.

In the kindest way, what she is doing is about her and her own development. It's nothing to do with you.

As for the reconnecting thing. My daughter and I watch films together. She and I both like horror and pulling apart overly cheesy romcoms whilst giving each other foot massages

Last night, I wasn't feeling well (bad period cramps). She sat at the end of the sofa and patted her lap so that I'd lie down and she could stroke my hair. Which was really sweet because that's what I do to her. It only needs to be little things...

Wise words here. Funny how selfish teenagers happen just as we are going through perimenopause. I think it's nature's way to help us push them out the door!

I remember my DD at 15 and 16 basically snarled and rolled her eyes at whatever I said to her, but had a great group of friends and we were always complimented on her behaviour by teachers etc. I do remember feeling the way you do now, that I had no connection with her.

But they do come around! it may take a few years, but as long as you are there for them if they ever do feel like talking. I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter now. As soon as she went away to school, the phone calls home got longer and more personal. I'm sorry if that seems like a long time off, but just try to keep the channels of communication open, and she may throw you a snippet every once in a while.

Tina Fey had it spot on in this clip www.tiktok.com/@fallontonight/video/6965575400936230150

Something else I find hard and worth a mention (I’m the one with the dd at university) - my dd is much more social than I ever was. She loves her friends and has a huge circle of them. She will fall all over them, huge cuddles, tells them she loves them, they write each other gushy birthday cards saying how much they all adore each other (I was never like that at 18/19!) and it’s definitely “friends first”. Poor me and Dad don’t get a look in! Can’t remember the last time we got a hug - well maybe at the train station when she returns for reading week etc but it’s a very awkward “alright” and a half hug!

I think it’s just part of them establishing themselves as their own person.

This week I got myself some white boots in the sale and I saw they had a black pair. Dd had commented when she was here that she really liked them and wanted a pull on pair as she was finding the laces on her dms hard after a night out (!) I sent her a text saying did she want me to order some for her and send them up as I had a discount code.. she said “no thanks, they’re nice for you but not for me”. Cheers! I’m sure if I hadn’t suggested them and just gave her the money she would have ordered herself some. For a while as parent you can do nothing right…! Just have to laugh about it all really!

Thank you. I can talk to DH but he’s a very “now” person and it’s not an issue for him. He’s also very interested in one of DD’s activities even though he doesn’t do it himself so they are able to connect around that. I’ve always assumed I was strongly emotionally connected to her so realising I’m not is hard.

Don't waste any more time on the Internet and try and spend more time with her. Even driving to the shops can be a good time to talk. Take her Xmas shopping. Don't pry just relax and have a nice time.

I’ve always told the DCs not to buy DH or I birthday or Christmas presents, just make a card/draw a picture. DC2 has started making something connecting to whatever her hobby is at the time. This year I was a bit hurt because now DD is getting older I thought she might consider that something similar as a token might be appropriate (in addition to the card - like DC2 does), a sign her parents are human just like her friends. No and when she asked me to buy something for a friend of hers as a present and I suggested she gave her the same as she got me, she looked at me as if I was mad.

@SarrotCoup

I’ve always told the DCs not to buy DH or I birthday or Christmas presents, just make a card/draw a picture. DC2 has started making something connecting to whatever her hobby is at the time. This year I was a bit hurt because now DD is getting older I thought she might consider that something similar as a token might be appropriate (in addition to the card - like DC2 does), a sign her parents are human just like her friends. No and when she asked me to buy something for a friend of hers as a present and I suggested she gave her the same as she got me, she looked at me as if I was mad.

If you've never expected her to buy a present why would she start now? Presents expected and looked forward to here even though I paid for them for years.

My dc are both in their 30’s.
I couldn’t tell you what happened in their teens away from home.
I never felt the need to ask or know.
Your dd is evolving atm and will probably come full circle in a year or two back to being more connected with you.
Just being there is enough for now.

My late teens son explained it was natural that he was growing up and growing apart and I shoudn't be sad about it. He had to be rushed into hospital for emergency surgery and when he had to come home, without opioid pain relief because of an allergy, he forgot all about being grown up and begged me to sit there and hold his hand.

Does your DD have any interests in particular tv shows, movies, books etc? When I was a teenager (and still now) I was into emo and punk and going to shows every weekend, my mum got into it too and would listen to some of the albums and now, in my late 20s, we go to shows together! I also liked some teeny-weird tv shows and we would watch them together, I am sure she found them a lot of rubbish sometimes but it was a nice experience together. See if there are any interests of hers that you may also be able to enjoy.

@SarrotCoup

I’ve always told the DCs not to buy DH or I birthday or Christmas presents, just make a card/draw a picture. DC2 has started making something connecting to whatever her hobby is at the time. This year I was a bit hurt because now DD is getting older I thought she might consider that something similar as a token might be appropriate (in addition to the card - like DC2 does), a sign her parents are human just like her friends. No and when she asked me to buy something for a friend of hers as a present and I suggested she gave her the same as she got me, she looked at me as if I was mad.

I think this is a good way to connect to her in new ways. Learning how to pick a thoughtful gift is a great skill to have so you can teach her now she is old enough to do it. You say you want to connect like you used to but you can’t. You can connect in a new way though by learning who she is now, not searching for who she was.

You sound lovely and so does she so I bet with some time and effort you can discover lots more new things and find new points in common with her.

15 to 19 I can truly say my son was an arse- a loveable arse but an arse none the less— basically saw us as a cash machine , now at 23 he is much more the lad I loved— still sees us as a cash machine though to some extent!!

Perhaps do some one to one things- not stuff she'd do with her friends, maybe not even stuff that seems like a treat, as you'll always fall into the 'lame mum/not my friend' category by definition!

Perhaps something where she helps you- maybe helps you pick out a present for her sister, or helps you choose a paint colour/scarf/reorganise your wardrobe/kitchen whatever. She may well be a tactless smartarse know it all and not particularly nice to be with, but suck it up, you will deepen the connection! Maybe food shop and cook together.

Teenagers like proving they are just as capable as you are and know better. Let her do it in a situation that won't cause a big drama. Effectively like letting your toddler help with the housework! You just have to be a bit subtler!

Disclaimer, it was easier for me as my teens were male with a different skill set and therefore easy to ask to help with a spreadsheet, reach, mend, open a jar, choose a laptop etc. They were predisposed to believe I wasn't strong/techie/tall enough.

Don't take any of this personally. They are growing up and focussed on other things. Try different things to see how you connect. I'm getting quality time with one of my kids when I drive her to and from her friend's/work/boyfriend's. It's only 10 mins and half of the time she's on the phone but she'll want to show me some things.

My eldest (18) went through a few years of really clashing with me and not wanting to hear my opinion whilst still wanting my approval. Now, he will go some weeks busy with his life and other weeks when he'll need to talk to me for hours.

I am very open and sociable but was a closed book to my parents because they were always giving advice and I didn't want to disappoint them. I am trying to be different with my kids but it is hard not to say 'take your coat because it'll get cold later', don't stay late etc. You want the best for them. But for kids (or anyone) it becomes a drag.

Celebrate her OP, she sounds awesome!

At 16/17/18 they are really finding their feet in the world, but you are their ‘boring’, stable anchor. Your role is just to be ‘there’. To pick up the pieces, sometimes!

The hardest thing I did with my three DDs was to help them learn to drive at 17. Endless hours feeling both stressed and bored, driving round in circles, being told I don’t understand driving/cars/the bloody Highway Code. But it really was a chance to bond as adults, doing an adult, important thing together. And I learnt a lot about music from the selections they played!

Rambling, but what I’m saying is leave the past behind you, celebrate the present, look forward to that future, fully fledged woman who will come back round to acknowledging the wondrousness of her mother. The best is yet to come!

She is 15, happy and living her life. You've clearly done a great job!

Leave her to it. The last thing she will want is her mum hovering over her. Be around if she needs you but let her come to you.

This has been building for a little while, partly because I was realising how little I knew about her. I’d always found Christmas shopping for the DCs easy and it was while doing that I realised my assumption of what DD liked weren’t based on anything recent. Part of the reason I’m so thrown I think is she’s having group chat conversation I can hear as I work and I know that she is in a relationship with one of the other girls in the chat and the others don’t know but there is no way they would know from the vibe of the chat. DC2 has a friend who is gay so it has come up in the conversation a few times in various contexts, not a flicker from DD.

We used to set aside small periods time to watch Tv together a couple of days a week and one of my bugbears was DD pushing back on that. With everything streamed nowadays, AirPods and no posters on her walls, I realised I didn’t actually know what she watched (have always just trusted her) or listened to - when I was young it wasn’t possible to keep everything hidden, the CDs were on the shelves and the only TV was in the living room. I have actually clicked on her Netflix icon and see she’s been watching some 18 rated stuff (Sex Education and Big Mouth). Am sure it won’t harm her and will probably provide some answers to her that I can’t 🤷‍♀️

I just wonder what else I don’t know about her. Known knowns and known unknowns as Donald Rumsfeld would say. I’ve always loved Christmas with the DCs, we do the same thing every year and DD has always liked that but maybe she’s not to bothered now, there’s far more going on in her world.

Am sorting out a therapist at the moment because my DF was terminally ill when I was pregnant with DD and his illness was long with lots of stages and struggles. I don’t know how much I channeled my sense of loss into my new DD and I need to unpick that as it’s not her problem. I also don’t want to find all I do is transfer everything to DC2 (and the dog!!) and just find I’m kicking the can down the road.

Thanks everyone. I’d been off MN for years and this thread has really helped.

Let her have the space - before she can come back to you she has to travel away from you!

You are (hopefully) going to have a long relationship with your DD - shopping with her when she is in her 20s, helping her with her wedding or whatever, helping her with any grandchildren, watching her struggle with teens (!) and then allowing her to help you when you are old and can't take care of yourself.

These few years are a little piece of the whole picture. Try to trust that all will be well.

I was thinking the other day, when they are tiny, you are SO important to them. They revolve around you! Their every thought is "where is mummy?" while you, as well as them, have lots of things to attend to - the rest of your children, your work, your partner, your life etc. Little children come to realise that although mum loves them, she has several things to think about not just them. Its painful but I think helps the little child turn outwards and develop.

Then I was thinking about tweens/teens. My own is 12 and I fret and worry I think about her and if she is OK (!)

But they are busy getting on with their lives, and their own culture and friends are very absorbing to them. They do need you in the background but not like when they were little! And we as the mums are left feeling that we are not at the centre of THEIR world any more.

My DD went away with a friend overnight - I said "oh DD we will miss you it will be quiet without you!" She said "yeah mum, to be honest I think you will miss me more than I will miss you!"

You sound like a lovely mum who is doing a brilliant job. To add insult to injury, my 15 year old is going to places with her bf's family and watching tv with them but won't with us (unless it is shopping). But I remember my son's girlfriend practically living with us for about a year and doing everything with us.

I wouldn't have been allowed to do that at her age and instead I spent it with my own family. As much as I loved them, I would have preferred at the time to spend it with my friends.