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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does anyone else go off men after sleeping with them once

42 replies

SandraOhh · 22/11/2021 21:17

I don't want them to touch me again after. It's like a switch goes off. Does anyone else experience this?

OP posts:
rrhuth · 22/11/2021 21:19

This is not something I experience.

Does it happen every time? If so, maybe you need to check this out.

TurnUpTurnip · 22/11/2021 21:21

No but I think a lot of men feel this way with women

SandraOhh · 22/11/2021 21:22

Pretty much. It's like a spark goes out and I'm no longer interested.

OP posts:
SpangoDweller · 22/11/2021 21:35

I kind of wish I did have this sometimes.

Like (many?) women, I’m the opposite, and I start to like people more after having sex with them, which is rubbish when they don’t feel it!

FrazzledCareerWoman · 22/11/2021 21:35

It's how you know you didn't actually fancy them in the first place. You just wanted a shag Grin

SandraOhh · 22/11/2021 21:39

But to feel that way about them all? I do genuinely really like them at first. Then it just evaporates. Friends tell me I'm like a man.

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 22/11/2021 21:39

I'd it hook ups or is it people you initially would have wanted a relationship with? Or both?

SandraOhh · 22/11/2021 21:41

Relationships

OP posts:
Snoozeee · 22/11/2021 21:45

Yes! Not all, some!

Are you referring to every single one you have slept with? Maybe you just want a shag, nothing more?

Sxxyfing · 22/11/2021 21:47

Yes!!! In the past I've totally lost respect for them afterwards and just had the ick about their physical bodies lol.
I found that taking time to get to know them a lot more before sleeping with them helped as it usually happened if I had sex before I was really 'ready' and probably wouldn't have continued the relationship!

fingersdoublecrossed · 22/11/2021 21:51

My experience was that after I'd slept with someone, I'd just get the ick. I'd wait months before doing it to try and make sure I was positive I really fancied them...
After, I woulld stay with them a bit longer and try a few more times, but it wasn't right and I'd dread having sex with them!
Eventually, I'd make an excuse to finish with them.

AlbaAlba · 22/11/2021 21:57

Are you sexually attracted to them in the first place? Or just romantically? I'm thinking maybe on the asexual spectrum - it appears possible to be romantically interested, but not sexually, or less sexually (it's not necessarily on/off, more often a graded scale.

Could the scenario be that you're romantically attracted to them, have some degree of sexual attraction, but the act of sex itself is not attractive to you (hence the asexuality) and then afterwards you're only able to associate them with the sex which you hadn't really enjoyed?

If it's asexuality then there's nothing 'wrong' with you, but you might want to think about whether you really want to have sex, and consider a dating site with other asexual people and find someone compatible. Consider also whether it's all types of sex that cause the ick, or just penetrative. Some asexual people will happily engage in sensual type activity but avoid penetrative sex, for example. I'm not asexual but I've read around the subject.

Just a thought.

Otherwise I'm thinking maybe some deep-seated memory of sex being called dirty (a parent's attitude perhaps), and for some reason you've turned that feeling onto other people instead of, as is more common, yourself. If this seems more like it, then I'd suggest counselling.

Sonaftersonafterson · 22/11/2021 23:27

If it's a good shag... and I mean GOOD, then no way! I want more! Seemingly sexy men who turn into dithering idiots who cum in 5 pumps ... those I dont want to see again. Ever.

Pascal80 · 23/11/2021 00:22

@SandraOhh

But to feel that way about them all? I do genuinely really like them at first. Then it just evaporates. Friends tell me I'm like a man.
This also happened to me - until I met my husband. When I slept with someone for the first time I couldn't get away from them fast enough, even if I really liked them as a person. I was no longer interested in them.
CatAndHisKit · 23/11/2021 01:04

Is it all about the chase, OP? Do you like the sex or is it purely the emotional / ego conquest you are after but actually don't enjoy sex?

Another possibility - stict upbringing where you've learned that sex is dirty or embarassing, so once it happens you feel like you disrespect them so you domt want to associate with them?

CheeseMmmm · 23/11/2021 01:19

Weellll

Sorry lots of questions!

How many are you talking/ have you ever seen someone again after first shag/ age wise are you younger or older like 20 or 50 that makes a difference to answer!

You say potential relationship people so not ONS. Do you find them all hot as fuck, or are you seeing them for personality, find then fun etc but physically not phwoar?

Are they good in bed? Mutual desire, both wanting to give other a good time, satisfying? Or knowing that practice would mean wow? Or... Not.

Need more info! Sorry. Don't have to give it obv!

EarthSight · 23/11/2021 01:36

Maybe see a therapist to investigate this? It could be that you only like men when they're at a distance, when there are no demands placed on you, and you interpret their interest in you after as needyness. As soon as you sleep with them, they lose a bit of that distance and mystery.

SandraOhh · 23/11/2021 06:07

@Snoozeee pretty much throughout the last few years yes.

@fingersdoublecrossed did you manage to change your feelings?

OP posts:
SandraOhh · 23/11/2021 06:09

@AlbaAlba definitely no asexuality. No deep rooted thoughts about sex being dirty.

OP posts:
SandraOhh · 23/11/2021 06:11

@CatAndHisKit maybe it is about the conquest. I don't know. I just don't understand how people stay together for years and maintain interest and desire in the other person. I can't even get past a few weeks!

OP posts:
SandraOhh · 23/11/2021 06:18

@CheeseMmmm

Late 20s. Yes I might see them again, it's not always one occurrence of sex, but after a handful of times the spark is gone. I very rarely find anyone 'phwoar' but yes there is attraction there. Yes good sex, but then I just don't want them to come near me after a while. I think I'm broken.

OP posts:
fingersdoublecrossed · 23/11/2021 06:35

@SandraOhh I've been with my OH for a very long time and I love the bones of him. He doesn't give me the ick but I'm not bothered about sex. I don't dislike it, I just don't have the drive.

SandraOhh · 23/11/2021 07:02

@fingersdoublecrossed is there something different about him that didn't give you the ick

OP posts:
fingersdoublecrossed · 23/11/2021 08:01

@SandraOhh I did break up with him after a few months of being together but he persisted and we got back together. Haven't looked back.
I'm not sure what changed, maybe I just met the right person.

aurynne · 23/11/2021 08:09

Only when they're shit in bed

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