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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel if....

45 replies

Nglhl328 · 22/11/2021 13:54

You discovered that your partner had seeked our an old gf where they worked to see if they still fancied them.
I saw an email to a friend where he had said this as they both knew his ex from years ago. It said...I went into where she worked just to see if I still fancied her at 60...
I feel a bit sick that a) he knows where she works and b) that he wanted to see her.
Obviously I can't mention that I have seen this as it was in a private folder in his emails - the laptop was left open at emails, yes I snooped so I am prepared to be ridiculed for that but I have my reasons.
I feel a bit sick tbh...

OP posts:
Viddy2021 · 22/11/2021 13:59

I'd feel like shit! Sorry this happened. It'll be tough bringing it up - he'll shift the onus on you for snooping. Knowledge is power though. Maybe casually bring up the subject in another, general way? How is your relationship in general? How long have you been together? Sounds like he's bored maybe.

Dillydollydingdong · 22/11/2021 14:00

Curiosity killed the cat, OP. You can't unsee it now. AND he was probably just curious as well. Either you speak to him about it or you don't. Personally I wouldn't, but I'd keep an eye on him...

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/11/2021 14:00

How long have you been in this relationship?

If you're snooping through his emails, you obviously don't trust him and it's pretty much doomed, whatever his intentions are re: his ex.

Original poster
Nglhl328 · 22/11/2021 14:11

Been together 3 years now. I thought our relationship was great, it is I mean ...well I thought so.
Just feel a bit sick now and I can't really bring it up, I didn't know he knew where she worked. This is a gf from way way back....not even his ex wife if you get me.
I am keeping an eye so I can't obviously bring this up....apparently he said it was her birthday (he remembered that). He called in on the day he works out at the office, so obviously took time out, made a special effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nglhl328 · 22/11/2021 14:22

I have seen lots of things I shouldn't have seen, this is just another.
I have real trust issues hence the snooping but what I have seen is making it worse for me. Thing is I love him and need him in my life and I don't want to end it, it just saddens me he feels this way, it's not the actions of someone in love is it?

OP posts:
SallyWD · 22/11/2021 14:25

I don't think I'd be too bothered unless he was actually pursuing some sort of contact with her. I can imagine taking a peek at an old boyfriend to see if I found him attractive, just out of curiosity- but I would never act on it! Happily married.

Original poster
Nglhl328 · 22/11/2021 14:27

SallyWD Thanks, feel a little better now

OP posts:
sunnyzweibrucken · 22/11/2021 14:28

Well until you said this: "I have seen lots of things I shouldn't have seen, this is just another."
I was going to say I would ignore although it would be somewhat hurtful. However, Some people are just curious about ex's but it doesn't mean anything. However that extra info you provided would make me bring him up on it. I wouldn't care if I was snooping as there's been other things that happened so to me it's justified. I don't think I could get over it, I'd always be wondering how he felt about me and if he was still not over his ex GF

TheFoundations · 22/11/2021 14:35

@Nglhl328

I have seen lots of things I shouldn't have seen, this is just another. I have real trust issues hence the snooping but what I have seen is making it worse for me. Thing is I love him and need him in my life and I don't want to end it, it just saddens me he feels this way, it's not the actions of someone in love is it?
Hang on. Do you mean you have trust issues in this relationship? Or do you have trust issues in other areas of your life?

Having trouble trusting someone who isn't trustworthy isn't 'trust issues'. Like's like saying someone on fire has screaming issues.

SisterAgatha · 22/11/2021 14:38

I still talk to all my old exes, believe me the sheen wears off quickly. I had contact with the love of my life a few months back, we had coffee, I didn’t tell my DH till after because there was ZERO in it for me, and it just reaffirmed all my life choices.

So I’d not be too sad, sometimes people need to explore their past and lend it to their correct situation. Maybe he saw her and thought fucking hell, lucky escape! (That’s what I thought at coffee with my ex!)

Original poster
Nglhl328 · 22/11/2021 14:43

Maybe he saw her and thought fucking hell, lucky escape! except she wasn't there, don't know if that was a good thing or not really.
I had issues in the past I was majorly lied to by my exH but my new partner conceals a lot from me - for whatever reason but it just makes me even more anxious.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nglhl328 · 22/11/2021 14:45

SisterAgatha at least you told him about it. Funny he didn't mention to me he called in on the off chance to me.
I suppose him calling in must mean he doesn't have any other means of contact, ie a phone number so that's good I guess

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 22/11/2021 14:47

my new partner conceals a lot from me - for whatever reason but it just makes me even more anxious

Rule number 1: don't stay involved with anyone whose words or actions negatively affect your mental health.

Sonaftersonafterson · 22/11/2021 14:51

If it was just this, I'd be inclined to lick my wounds in private and be hurt but let it go. Its curiosity, means nothing.

You say this is one of many things though... so, I'd be less inclined to overlook.

AsymQuestion · 22/11/2021 14:53

People snoop on exes all the time, I have, a lot of friends I know in happy relationships have a snoop on their exes/old colleagues/old school friends - but all of this takes place on social media.

When I do it, it isn't specifically 'to see if I still fancy them'... because I already know I don't, they're my ex. It's a general curiosity. In our current times it is a very common thing to do. Some people of course still never do and that's all good too.

I however, would never dream of physically in person hunting down an ex in person/in their space to have a look at them from afar.

Is it because this woman isn't on social media or that he doesn't use it that he's resorted olto in person?

However even with exes, old acquaintances or school friends, when I haven't been able to find a presence on social media, it ends there, my curiosity ends there. I'd never try to find them in person unless I specifically wanted to pursue something (I never have wanted to). And in relation to an ex, imo that is verging on creepy... Like what is the pressing urge that you would physically go in person, it's an effort that to me would signify possible intent/more than just a general curiosity.

Original poster
Nglhl328 · 22/11/2021 14:55

I have raised things in the past that I have seen but the information has come from another source as well so I didn't have to reveal the snooping, if I let that slip then it would all be blocked and then I would have no idea what was going on so it's tricky.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 22/11/2021 14:58

@Nglhl328

I have raised things in the past that I have seen but the information has come from another source as well so I didn't have to reveal the snooping, if I let that slip then it would all be blocked and then I would have no idea what was going on so it's tricky.
Do you recognise how unhealthy it is to feel you need to conceal your behaviour in order that you can continue to snoop?
Original poster
Nglhl328 · 22/11/2021 14:59

He's not on any social media thank God.
I get what you mean about it being creepy, he went with the intent to check her out maybe wish her happy birthday I don't know, fact he actually knows where she works is bothering me.
We talked about her before we really got into a relationship and he has met her during his marriage for a coffee. But now he is single, divorced things could be different? Does he have an intent? And fact is I would never know where he is during the day so he could call in anytime and I would be unaware, this is where the trust issues comes into play.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nglhl328 · 22/11/2021 15:00

Do you recognise how unhealthy it is to feel you need to conceal your behaviour in order that you can continue to snoop? Hell yes.

OP posts:
TheFoundations · 22/11/2021 15:03

I would be unaware, this is where the trust issues comes into play

Trust isn't to do with watching somebody so that you know they're doing nothing wrong though. Trust is only required when you can't see them, technically!

The only question you have to ask yourself is 'Do I want to be in a relationship with somebody I don't trust?' It's a yes or no. You don't need all this detail, all this past, all this talk of issues. You're making it all very complicated. You know you don't trust him. Doesn't matter why or how, you just don't. That's where you're at.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 22/11/2021 17:38

Sorry but the more you explain, the more unhealthy this relationship sounds.

I think you should end it, focus on yourself and get some counselling to be honest. Be happy in yourself.

Original poster
Nglhl328 · 22/11/2021 19:27

I've just finished counseling sessions actually but it doesn't look like they worked!
I'm just paranoid and insecure. Lots of reasons why but what I found out today doesn't help me.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/11/2021 19:32

Do you have "trust issues" - or do you have an untrustworthy partner?

Original poster
Nglhl328 · 23/11/2021 05:56

A bit of both!

OP posts:
category12 · 23/11/2021 06:13

Utterly pointless trying to cure your "trust issues" when you're with someone who you know is chasing after other women. It's trying to teach your brain to lie to itself, which is silly, self-harming, and isn't going to work.

If you can't trust him for good reasons, then really stop doing it to yourself.

No man is worth trying to warp your mind so you can overlook his behaviours. You don't need counselling for "trust issues" if he's up to stuff.

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