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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you feel if....

45 replies

Nglhl328 · 22/11/2021 13:54

You discovered that your partner had seeked our an old gf where they worked to see if they still fancied them.
I saw an email to a friend where he had said this as they both knew his ex from years ago. It said...I went into where she worked just to see if I still fancied her at 60...
I feel a bit sick that a) he knows where she works and b) that he wanted to see her.
Obviously I can't mention that I have seen this as it was in a private folder in his emails - the laptop was left open at emails, yes I snooped so I am prepared to be ridiculed for that but I have my reasons.
I feel a bit sick tbh...

OP posts:

Cascascascas · 23/11/2021 06:34

@Nglhl328

Sounds like blokey blah blah to me.
So that’s the issue !

Blokey BS really winds me up!

Tiredofbs123 · 23/11/2021 07:14

You’re gaslighting yourself here. You have trust issues because he doesn’t help you to feel safe.

There is so much I don’t like about this, primarily the fact he has so little respect for your relationship that he actually emails someone else about his crazy little stalking moment.

I’d read ‘just good friends’ by Shirley glass. It might help you figure out your boundaries to help you feel more secure, then talk openly to him about your worries around trust, and see how hard he’s willing to fight to help you feel safe. I suspect he’ll want to keep being shady, and you have to decide if that’s ok for you. Personally it’d destroy me in the long term.

I learnt a long time ago that those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I am so sorry you’re experiencing this.

Tiredofbs123 · 23/11/2021 07:16

Just to clarify the book is around infidelity (so not your situation) but talks a lot about building trust and red flags.

Original poster

Nglhl328 · 23/11/2021 09:56

Tiredofbs123 thank you very much, I will get the book and take it from there. I do appreciate what you say, makes sense, never thought about how he emailed (a woman) about his stalking trip it is disrespectful I just wished there was a way to let on I know without revealing my snooping and yes -I am ashamed of this,

OP posts:

Tiredofbs123 · 23/11/2021 10:15

Oh no, the fact he feels encouraged to do this by another woman is not good.

You snooping is a result of feeling unsafe, you’ll find no judgement from me for that. I know that feeling well. You shouldn’t be feeling unsafe, that’s not acceptable in your relationship. That’s where you can change things. You can clear up what your boundaries look like FOR YOU, then see if he’ll adhere to those. Then you’ll have your answer as to whether it’s worth continuing with this man.

You matter and deserve to be treated with respect, sneaking around after ex girlfriends and then emailing other women about it just feels so shady. It’s a slippery slope.

supercali77 · 23/11/2021 10:27

Lingering wounds from broken trust and betrayal take quite a while to heal. Years I think. I found that anyway. Only really now am I in a healthier place. The thing is, in that position its kind of essential to either be single or be with someone who is very transparent. Honesty is one thing, essential obviously, but most of us compartmentalise various aspects of our lives (keep it to ourselves) to greater or lesser degrees. Those who do it to a higher degree I found difficult to trust. Related to my past. There may have been nothing shady going on but it really didn't suit me at all. General snooping is a problem for obvious reasons, you might find a tidbit of info that makes you more suspicious but you're unable to raise it without revealing that you snooped. So where does it leave you? With a choice really. Do you want to go on feeling like this? Because if he keeps a lot to himself....he's unlikely to change

rampitup · 23/11/2021 10:39

Did he mean her being 60 or him being 60?

If she was very attractive when she was young this would be the sort of things blokes do - check her out to see what she looks like now, a sort of morbid curiosity.

Original poster

Nglhl328 · 23/11/2021 11:07

I do feel unsafe hence the checking. He did give me his phone code ages ago though.
I am sure he would know what he did was a boundary for me, after all he didn't come in saying hey you'll never guess who I tried to track down today, so he knows it was wrong. The woman he emailed was a mutual friend of his ex gf from years ago (they used to go out as a crowd) and I think it was this old gf's 60th birthday so that's why he wanted to make contact as well as find out if he still fancied her. My problem is letting him know that he crossed that boundary and how I discovered it but in doing that the emails would then be secured and open a can of worms.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nglhl328 · 23/11/2021 11:08

@rampitup

Did he mean her being 60 or him being 60?

If she was very attractive when she was young this would be the sort of things blokes do - check her out to see what she looks like now, a sort of morbid curiosity.

Her being 60, he's 60 next year...

OP posts:

Marineboy67 · 23/11/2021 11:10

Nah its wrong whichever way you look at it. Snooping around his computer is nothing compared to him stalking round an exes workplace to see if she still facies him. He's supposed to be in a relationship with you not this other pensioner woman. I'd be having it out with him. Lift the bar a bit, you don't have to tolerate shit like this.

Original poster

Nglhl328 · 23/11/2021 11:30

Sometimes, I think I am 'too nice' a person. I would love him to walk a mile in my shoes and see how it feels. I know it's not good but I would like him to feel a little insecure about me, make him step up a bit and think about how much I mean to him and what it would be like to lose me.

OP posts:

Marineboy67 · 23/11/2021 11:34

Then have it out him! I gave to much in relationships and ended up getting the piss taken. I can't help being a giver, however you have to recognise when enough is enough. People will only treat us as bad as we let them. Your worth much much more.

ravenmum · 23/11/2021 12:13

We don't know how old this woman is but if she is old enough to be a pensioner, then that's fine. If you get to be a pensioner, you're lucky, not to be looked down on.

If my bf wrote this to a mate I'd think he meant that he was curious about what someone he used to know looked like, many years later, and laughing at the idea of what they are like now, compared to what they were like then. I wouldn't find it odd if he mentioned to a friend of his that he had looked into someone's workplace while passing by.

I can't say I trust my bf especially strongly, but evidently I do more than you. Honestly, if you have that little trust in him, why bother? It's only been 3 years - are your lives really that intertwined that you can't just give it up as not worth the hassle?

ravenmum · 23/11/2021 12:16

(Oh, too slow - she is 60, so not a "pensioner woman".)

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/11/2021 12:30

I have seen lots of things I shouldn't have seen, this is just another

Unless you're willing and prepared to see more I would end it now, because from where I am sitting he's a shady creep.

Harddecisionhelp · 23/11/2021 12:38

but my new partner conceals a lot from me - for whatever reason but it just makes me even more anxious

What else does he conceal OP? Does it leave you with the feeling that he presents a different version of himself to you than the 'real him'?

rampitup · 23/11/2021 12:47

I would also be questioning whether I wanted to be with a man who apparently disrespects women by focusing on how attractive they are to appeal to his 'turn-on-ability'.

Bit of a jerk actually?!

category12 · 23/11/2021 12:47

@Nglhl328

If you had some decent boundaries and were prepared to stand by them, then he would know the fear of losing you. But he's complacent, probably because he's successfully trampled your boundaries before.

There's a really harmful (and ridiculous) dynamic in snooping round his stuff, being pissed off & hurt by what you find yet being too scared to challenge him about it because he'll know you snooped.

Own it and confront, and don't be misdirected when he tells you you're a snooper.

Or stop snooping and accept he'll do what he will do.

Closetbeanmuncher · 23/11/2021 13:38

Play close attention to @category12 post OP, she's spot on.

but my new partner conceals a lot from me - for whatever reason but it just makes me even more anxious

Because if you saw what was underneath the social facade you'd be horrified. I don't think the version of him you know is the real deal. Not at all.

nocnoc · 23/11/2021 13:58

I think your insecurity comes from having an untrustworthy partner!

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