DP is a great man but I am going to drive him away with my issues

[SafeMove]

I went out with my friends yesterday and we had a conversation about some abuse one of my friends experienced as a teenager, that upset me. For context, I was sexually abused over a few years from the age of 5 by a family member. The rest of my maternal family found out (another victim of his exposed it all and got the police involved) and sided with my abuser and called me a liar, my poor Mum lost all her siblings, in laws, nephews and nieces because of it as my parents believed me and the other girl. I was also sexually and physically abused by my ex husband (the father of my DC).

I have done a lot of work, psychotherapy, emdr, counselling with rape crisis etc and had support from an ISVA, I have done 3 degrees related to psychology to try and process it all. I thought I was okay, I thought I had moved past it. I got so drunk yesterday after the conversation that I lost my house and car keys, my phone, my bank card. I have a huge gap in my memory of the night. I was sick when I got home, have been sick all day today. Poor DP found me on our doorstep crying. He washed sick from my hair. He is absolutely amazing - he has a great job, he cleans, cooks, does the washing, helps me with my three DC, he is funny, he is very attractive, he runs and looks after himself physically, he never raises his voice. He is 7 years younger than me. We have been together 3 years. I really need him to be happy and I think he deserves better than me. I am getting fatter, older, I have clearly got issues with my past, I am ugly, I feel like such an idiot for doing that last night, I feel very messy and very scared. I think anyone would struggle with staying with someone like me. DP has been so lovely about it, saying I clearly feel bad about myself and reacted to the conversation. I need a kick up the backside but don't know where to start? I want to be a better person but I don't know how to be? Does anyone have any advice?

Anyone? I am feeling pretty desperate and happy to hear any constructive criticism?

You need to allow him agency over his own choices. And he chooses to be with you. He IS happy with you. Any man who washes vomit out of his partners hair does it because he loves them and is happy with them.

Do not make the assumption that he sees you as you see yourself. You see a mess. He probably sees a resilient, capable woman who has battled through shit and come out the other side. One night of drunken vomiting doesn't change that!

I need a kick up the backside

This is the very last thing you need, & thankfully, your DP knows that too.

You are not "driving him away with your issues" - you were triggered, & have had a one-off reaction. Bear in mind that you are still experiencing that reaction, & that it may take a few days to feel properly "settled" again but for goodness sake - if you had a chronic illness, which flared up unexpectedly on occasion, would you be asking PP to kick you up the backside for it?

The self-blame, as you no doubt know intellectually way better than I (random laywoman) do, is part & parcel of the self-blame all abused children go through, & the broader recriminations, disbelief, & siding with the perpetrator that traumatised your whole family all those years ago. You just need to hold onto that intellectual knowledge for a little time now, while you wait for your emotional knowledge to catch up.

My childhood contains similar ... excuse me - shit to yours.
In my mid-30's, at a family evening, a cousin revealed something about my CSA perpetrator that I had not known. Details not important here, but it was sickening, & suddenly made a lot of puzzle-pieces fit together. I felt ok - intellectually. But I didn't then know a lot of the coping mechanisms & psych stuff that I know now, so didn't know to make allowances for the cognitive dissonance of that space where the emotions & trauma-spots need time to catch up with the intellect.
Within about an hour, despite only having had 2 glasses of wine, & having eaten the same good nourishing food as everyone else, I had to rush to the bathroom to be copiously sick. Shaky, disorientated ...
you know the drill ... my then b/f had to take me home, & I had a very odd couple of days.

Did I need a kick up the arse?
Did my b/f & good family members & friends decide I was now someone they would "struggle to stay with"?
Of course they bloody didn't!
Quite the reverse. My friends & true family know that I've coped with some outrageous stuff, & admire me for not just surviving, but for having a sense of humour, knowing what unconditional love is, & having wisdom to share that I would not have had without that sometimes very sad & dangerous childhood.

This is how your DP feels about you.

I bet I have a couple of decades on you, so I've had more time to process, & a lot of therapy, learning, etc. It's a work in progress, but isn't everyone's life? - & one of the most beneficial things I have learned is to give myself the grace that my beloved friends give me. Not to beat myself up for 'off days', but to celebrate the fact of survival, of wisdom, of giving back. To view myself as they do - a brave person, who sometimes needs a bit of 'down-time' just to process social stuff.

How can I help you to take that step for yourself, dear Safe?
To stop judging yourself, & instead start viewing yourself through the eyes of the people who love you?

First advice is stop drinking. Is it possible your drink was spiked? Having gaps in memory sounds suspicious.

Ah it really seems like the conversation affected you badly. I’m certainly no expert but from where I’m standing I think you are being very hard on yourself. Your partner sounds like a good man. But you sound like a good person too so I’m sure all will be fine. Take care x

@SafeMove

Anyone? I am feeling pretty desperate and happy to hear any constructive criticism?

Here's some - you don't need criticism. Constructive or otherwise. You simply need to believe in your DP's love for you, & know that you are worthy of it xx

Hang in there! Be kind to yourself. You have survived some intense experiences. I don't have 3 degrees in psychology but it seems natural to me that occasionally your past might overwhelm you temporarily. After what you went through last night, of course you are feeling low.

Be brave! Your DP is with you because he wants to be. He knows you and cares about you.

Maybe think about a treat you might give him when you are feeling a little better: a special meal or a fun day out or just a card with a sincere message - you'll know best what would show him that you value him and appreciate everything he does. Making time to give him your full attention goes a long way and little + often is very effective.

You dont do anything today OP. You've.got the mega hangover. Get some berroca down you and have a kip.

Be a bit kinder to yourself, let your bloke show you his choices and maybe have a break from the ale for a bit.

@tropicalwaterdiver

First advice is stop drinking. Is it possible your drink was spiked? Having gaps in memory sounds suspicious.

I had memory gaps around the incident I described upthread @tropicalwaterdiver. On all of about 300mls of wine, on a full stomach.

It's common - OP's mind is grappling for safety, & instead finding a lot of stale old 'voices in the head' i.e. the disgusting pervert & the family members who supported him in favour of 2 abused children.

It will settle for her, & while she can certainly give her body all the help it needs while her thinking self & feeling self have time to catch up with each other - this incident was not caused by drinking. The drinking was a panicked reaction to those horrible, & very wrong, old 'voices' resurfacing.

Although PP make a good point about the hangover.
OP - bear in mind a lot of your negative feelings today will be simply down to "beer fear". It will pass!

Come on OP, a kick up the backside is the last thing you need. You've overcome appalling childhood abuse, and achieved a successful loving relationship with a good man. (You're probably still a bit hungover after last night). Be proud of yourself. You've done so well.

You've had some wonderful replies here OP, I hope you can hear what people are saying.
I'm positive that your DP loves you very much, trust his judgement.
Feel better soon

All this with beer fear on top. He loves you and obviously thinks you're worth his love.

@ChargingBuck thank you for your kind words. You do not know the difference they have made to a stranger. You get it. And I feel very much like I did when I was little and it was scaring me, I needed someone to spell out what was happening and you did just that. All my rationality and knowledge goes out of the window when I go through this. That bloody wounded child, she won't let me forget her.

Thank you all for recognising the self hatred and beer fear too. I really will stop the alcohol, I don't use it as a coping method usually but I did last night. I will definitely do something nice for DP, that is a great suggestion. Time to put my grown up head on and catch a grip.

Have a look at Pete Walker and his writing about emotional flashbacks, it was hugely helpful for me to know that sometimes I’d be catapulted back into those feelings at times - it’s a trauma response and can be utterly overwhelming. You need to treat yourself as you would a poorly child, lots of comfort and care - you’d not kick a child up the arse for feeling poorly, nor should you do it to yourself. Just give yourself time - you’re not right back where you started, this is just a bump along the road.

Everything that @ChargingBuck said, listen and take on board, she’s right.

That bloody wounded child, she won't let me forget her.

You could reframe this feeling by replacing it with a desire to not forget that wounded child. Talk to her, tell her how far you/she have come, let her know you're both safe now. Remember her.

btw she is not "bloody". That's the 'old toxic voices', telling you you're a nuisance & an outrage for naming what was done to you. She doesn't need shutting down, telling off, or any castigation whatsoever.

In time, the remembering of that child can help with 'emotional flashbacks' (thank you @Jellycatspyjamas), as your wounded child knows she has a channel open to you, will be heard, comforted, put back to rights ... & thus less likely to need to scream inside your head with fear & confusion, which essentially is what she was doing last night.

I hope this isn't coming over as woo or fey - I am no expert, but this is a recognised technique. It was taught to me maybe 15 years ago, & can be amazing. It also cast the 'now' me into the role my eg 5 year old needed - someone to admire, someone solid & safe. 16 year old me was a revelation - she can be scary & scathing & the LOOK she gives me when maybe I am about to let my 'now' self down with some of the darker coping mechanisms ...

Play around with the concept if it tickles you OP.
& I am delighted to have 'paid it back/forward' by giving you some much-deserved comfort today.

Hey Op, I learnt Psychology and Neuroscience to help me understand things better too.
With everyday things they all get stored in the brain nicely, with a date and timestamp on that memory file by the Hippocampus, the hippocampus can only file away and date stamp nice to moderately stressful disturbing things. When something horrific and traumatic happens - and I'm sorry these thing happened to you The hippocampus becomes redundant and stops working, it won't file that information, that traumatic memory gets transferred to the amygdala, the amygdala does a fab job (I wish it didn't) at storing traumatic, stressful, horrific memories. the Amygdala very unfortunately cannot date stamp events it receives.

The amygdala again very sadly attaches emotions to the memories it receives, Psychologically that's why PTSD events float around your head with intensity as if it happened yesterday even though it happened 30 years ago, with no date stamp it's a memory file that cannot be controlled.

You probably know all this with your three degrees, The human brain just isn't designed to handle and deal with trauma. You've done nothing wrong and everyone around you knows that, nobody want's you to kick yourself up the arse. You've got a raw deal and someone that loves you will have bucket loads of empathy and compassion for you and your partner does. It's awful being asked to live with something they may never go away like an illness.
I can very much understand why you'd belittle yourself and hope others see that version of you too, self sabotage is very complex and I won't write paragraphs about it. You're not a burden to people and you have my heartfelt understanding why you'd drink after a triggering event. Something bad happened to you against you will, you deserve happiness not to loose everything.
I believe in you.

@AdmiralCain thank you so much for that easily-digestible info for laywomen about how the hippocampus & amygdala affect stored memory & trauma responses.

Don't let yourself be defined by one event. It does not negate the other extraordinary good things you do in your life. Lighten up on yourself. You are a good woman doing your best.

Listen to @Thingsdogetbetter and @AdmiralCain, their posts are an example of MN at its very best.

Your partner sounds fab! You absolutely do deserve him and he you. You are a survivor and you should be proud of yourself. A trauma response doesn’t define you.

Something that made a difference to me was being told 'The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you.'

If you take all the self blame out of this, and all the dragging up the past, and all of the references to what a total mess you are and how nobody would really want to be with you, what you're left with is a fairly standard, ordinary, quite boring story: 'I got trashed and my husband helped me when I threw up.'

The abuse is not here now. Your childhood is not here now. Your abusive marriage is not here now. All that screwed up-ness that you feel, to anybody else, is simply 'You got really drunk.'

It's not a crime. Millions of people also got trashed last night, some happy, some sad, probably about 50% of them got puke in their hair, and about 10% of them had someone to scrape them up off the floor!

Don't beat yourself up; the hangover is doing that for you. All the psychology courses in the world can't do as much for you as the key to this small recovery you need to make from last night, and the bigger recovery you need to make of getting over your past: Being nice to yourself. Being gentle with yourself. Letting yourself off the hook. Even laughing at yourself. You got trashed, you silly old sausage. It's not a tragedy.

I bet that the best thing your husband would like to hear is you saying 'I'm going to let myself off the hook, now, move on, and just try not to do it again too often, because my head hurts!'

@AdmiralCain

Brilliant post. Relevant to OP, but I'm sure it's a useful education to many of us. Didn't realise the brain worked that way, and it explains so much about how strong the feelings are when we get triggered.

Thank you so much @TheFoundations and @AdmiralCain

I sat DP down, apologised and said he deserves better than me and he very firmly said 'You are focussing on one small episode, when there are so many lovely times we have and I love you for the fact that you carry on, even though you have had overwhelming shit to deal with, but you always carry on and this tiny blip changes nothing'. I feel so much better now.

It is so useful to say to myself this is not happening now, I am not in these situations now. Thanks for that I will use that mantra. I have had two books delivered today (great timing) Comolex PTSD From surviving to thriving and The Body Keeps the Score. I think these will help a lot. Burying it and pathologising it by treating it as academic interest rather than my shit to deal with might just have made me disassociate a bit too much. Maybe it is time to listen to what I need

Sweetheart you were triggered
And had a horrible reaction
People don’t wash the puke out of hair they don’t love
You are loveable
And be careful to not put him on a pedestal
Either , equals x

You've had some brilliant advice from PP already, but I was just wondering if when you've had therapy you learned how to ground yourself in the here and now? I'm a sexual abuse survivor and my therapist used this with me when the memories became too overwhelming in sessions. There are lots of ways to do it, but it starts with focusing on what you can hear, see, feel right now. I always start with being able to feel my feet on the floor because that grounds me and work up.

There is nothing wrong with you.