I went out with my friends yesterday and we had a conversation about some abuse one of my friends experienced as a teenager, that upset me. For context, I was sexually abused over a few years from the age of 5 by a family member. The rest of my maternal family found out (another victim of his exposed it all and got the police involved) and sided with my abuser and called me a liar, my poor Mum lost all her siblings, in laws, nephews and nieces because of it as my parents believed me and the other girl. I was also sexually and physically abused by my ex husband (the father of my DC).
I have done a lot of work, psychotherapy, emdr, counselling with rape crisis etc and had support from an ISVA, I have done 3 degrees related to psychology to try and process it all. I thought I was okay, I thought I had moved past it. I got so drunk yesterday after the conversation that I lost my house and car keys, my phone, my bank card. I have a huge gap in my memory of the night. I was sick when I got home, have been sick all day today. Poor DP found me on our doorstep crying. He washed sick from my hair. He is absolutely amazing - he has a great job, he cleans, cooks, does the washing, helps me with my three DC, he is funny, he is very attractive, he runs and looks after himself physically, he never raises his voice. He is 7 years younger than me. We have been together 3 years. I really need him to be happy and I think he deserves better than me. I am getting fatter, older, I have clearly got issues with my past, I am ugly, I feel like such an idiot for doing that last night, I feel very messy and very scared. I think anyone would struggle with staying with someone like me. DP has been so lovely about it, saying I clearly feel bad about myself and reacted to the conversation. I need a kick up the backside but don't know where to start? I want to be a better person but I don't know how to be? Does anyone have any advice?