Anxiety/I am nothing now

hollowlady · 2021-11-21T19:36:49+00:00

How do other people get their confidence and stop the voices that they are not good enough when their partner lied to them and still friends with lady they went to dinner with. I'm so anxious these days 💔😰😰 I used to feel so secure and safe/comfortable in my life but my anxiety and feelings of worthless are off the scale these days. What tactics do you use to move forward but still be in your relationship without thinking about it. It eats me up and I feel really sad a lot of the time. I feel let down.

unname · 21/11/2021 19:37

He was unfaithful to you?

Original poster

hollowlady · 21/11/2021 19:38

@unname

He was unfaithful to you?

He went to dinner but lied about it.

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MoiraNotRuby · 21/11/2021 19:39

I'm not sure if this will help you but during treatment for anxiety I came to the realisation I'd never lose the anxiety unless I split up with my husband. His actions were at the root of all my anxiety. We are in process of separating now.... YIPPEE!!!!

Hope things get better for you x

Original poster

hollowlady · 21/11/2021 19:46

@MoiraNotRuby

I'm not sure if this will help you but during treatment for anxiety I came to the realisation I'd never lose the anxiety unless I split up with my husband. His actions were at the root of all my anxiety. We are in process of separating now.... YIPPEE!!!!

Hope things get better for you x

I don't want to separate but be the reasonably confident lady I used to be but just can't get that feeling back. I feel very anxious worthless at the moment. Not sure what purpose I serve for my family except be there for them.

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unname · 21/11/2021 19:59

Why did he lie?

samesign · 21/11/2021 20:03

Facing your fears and ditching him will help you become confident woman that no longer has to deal with anxiety because you choose to turn a blind eye.
If it was innocent he wouldn't be lying.

Original poster

hollowlady · 21/11/2021 20:24

@unname

Why did he lie?

I'm not sure as we seemed like we were getting on well but when I found out he said some not very nice things and was adamant we were separating till about less than week later. It was a devastating week. It was like I didn't know him😰

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Original poster

hollowlady · 21/11/2021 20:25

@samesign

Facing your fears and ditching him will help you become confident woman that no longer has to deal with anxiety because you choose to turn a blind eye. If it was innocent he wouldn't be lying.

We are together and he takes me everywhere with him and makes it clear we are together but I still feel gutted two years on😰

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youcancallmeow · 21/11/2021 20:59

the way i see it is you have 2 choices
keep plodding on with a man you dont trust feelings of anxiety and low self esteem generally feeling like your not good enough for him and eventually you will split up but you will have wasted years of your life
or
finish it move on put a value on yourself
you can and will find someone who will treat you properly
if your in a relationship with someone that make you feel like shit your in the wrong relationship
i wasted years of my life with man like yours
dont do what i did
honestly you will regret it
good lock

RaisedByPangolins · 21/11/2021 21:07

I’m afraid you still don’t know everything about it tbh. He was convinced you were all but separated while you had no idea. And then treated you awfully for a week afterwards. Sounds like more than a dinner date to me sorry. I know that won’t help, but your anxiety is telling you something. Listen to it. It’s your “intuition” and if you want to stay with him you’ll need to be able to feel not just ‘good enough’ but that he’s lucky to be with you and should be grateful that you gave him another chance. But that will only come with 100% honesty and 100% trust.

RaisedByPangolins · 21/11/2021 21:08

You’ve given it two years and it’s not getting any better so whatever you’re doing (you as a couple) isn’t working.

Original poster

hollowlady · 22/11/2021 10:42

@RaisedByPangolins

You’ve given it two years and it’s not getting any better so whatever you’re doing (you as a couple) isn’t working.

Yeah I know you are right and my head tells me that but my heart is gutted. I have really thought about why I can't move forward and come to the conclusion that when this happened I thought we were 100 percent and it was 'such a shock' but I spent that week really trying to hold onto my marriage as devastated. He lied till I had proof too. At the end of week he wanted to stay with me and we are together two and half years later but I think it was me begging him rather than him saying 'oh my god I'm so sorry' . So he has said sorry but I have never felt it was a grovel on the floor sorry and he is still friends with this lady through work so I feel anxiety and a horrible worried feeling most of time especially when he sees her. I don't feel content. Also due to becoming very depressed I haven't been to work for a while but had a accident so using that as a excuse still but really its because I feel out of sorts. I could go back now and planning to in two weeks but just feeling so disappointed in people. So hard to explain but just feel really bad. Scared to say about things again as I think that will be it for him and I will wish I hadn't mentioned but I can't close this chapter as there are so many unanswered questions.

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Original poster

hollowlady · 22/11/2021 10:46

I never thought he would do this so gutted.
I could understand if I was a horrible person bug I have really tried to always be there for him.
I used to feel desired, popular, respected by him but now I am a shell of a person, needy, anxious, I am 😢 😢😢😢😢😰

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youcancallmeow · 22/11/2021 10:57

you need to leave he's not doing your mental any good

rampitup · 22/11/2021 11:08

The most important thing for you to understand at the moment is that his actions have destabilised your reality. It was a shock because you went from being in a totally secure place to the opposite in a very short period of time.
Combined with the fact that part of the problem has not been removed - he's still seeing her in a professional capacity - you are not getting the space you need to process your feelings.
You might benefit from a temporary time away but is that possible?

LindaEllen · 22/11/2021 11:15

His actions are making you anxious. This is not something that is your fault. You are anxious because you can't trust him, and you can't trust him because he has form for lying.

I have been there.

The only thing you can do is get rid of the problem, which is him.

You don't need him. There are plenty of people out there who will treat you well, with the respect that you deserve. It seems so horrendously difficult right now, but honestly, you will be less anxious on your own.

Original poster

hollowlady · 22/11/2021 11:16

@rampitup

The most important thing for you to understand at the moment is that his actions have destabilised your reality. It was a shock because you went from being in a totally secure place to the opposite in a very short period of time. Combined with the fact that part of the problem has not been removed - he's still seeing her in a professional capacity - you are not getting the space you need to process your feelings. You might benefit from a temporary time away but is that possible?

No We are going away together soon for something related to his work so change of scenery might be good. Also I am a size 14 and this lady friend looks like a size 0 . I am feeling shit about my appearance although he used to say he wasn't attracted to really thin women but the one he went to lunch is 'really' slim so I feel a bag of shit. Just would never have put him with her.

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Original poster

hollowlady · 22/11/2021 11:18

Because it's over two years ago you would think I have got over it but still feel 💔😰😰😰
Sorry everyone going round in circles.

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Original poster

hollowlady · 22/11/2021 11:19

Thanks for all the support.
I think I have some type of ptsd as it was such a shock.
Pathetic as that sounds.

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rampitup · 22/11/2021 11:22

Sounds like ptsd to me. Try to have a nice time away.

The size thing - do you want to be a smaller size yourself? (Forget what you think he may or may not like)!

Original poster

hollowlady · 22/11/2021 11:38

@rampitup

Sounds like ptsd to me. Try to have a nice time away.

The size thing - do you want to be a smaller size yourself? (Forget what you think he may or may not like)!

Yes as have smaller clothes and when I was smaller felt better in them

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Original poster

hollowlady · 22/11/2021 11:39

@LindaEllen

His actions are making you anxious. This is not something that is your fault. You are anxious because you can't trust him, and you can't trust him because he has form for lying.

I have been there.

The only thing you can do is get rid of the problem, which is him.

You don't need him. There are plenty of people out there who will treat you well, with the respect that you deserve. It seems so horrendously difficult right now, but honestly, you will be less anxious on your own.

Been together 32 yrs Hard....

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rampitup · 22/11/2021 11:42

OK then OP, state your goal size, write a daily food diary, report back here! Start a new thread. You can realistically lose half a pound a week so you can drop two dress sizes in a year. A year is nothing. Start right now!

Original poster

hollowlady · 22/11/2021 11:52

@rampitup

OK then OP, state your goal size, write a daily food diary, report back here! Start a new thread. You can realistically lose half a pound a week so you can drop two dress sizes in a year. A year is nothing. Start right now!

Thank you for your support I will do this slowly but will be two dress sizes down this time next year👍

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bluebells34 · 22/11/2021 14:38

I suffer from anxiety too
A friend of mine said 'you can not worry about something that has not happened yet and may never happen. Deal with it if and when it happens'