Anxiety/I am nothing now

[hollowlady]

How do other people get their confidence and stop the voices that they are not good enough when their partner lied to them and still friends with lady they went to dinner with.

I'm so anxious these days 💔😰😰
I used to feel so secure and safe/comfortable in my life but my anxiety and feelings of worthless are off the scale these days.

What tactics do you use to move forward but still be in your relationship without thinking about it. It eats me up and I feel really sad a lot of the time. I feel let down.

I think you might have posted about this before a while back? You never had proof of what had gone on, so he used that as an argument to keep seeing her, but people agreed it sounded veeeery suspicious?

Does he know you still feel this way? Is he sympathetic?

@bluebells34

I suffer from anxiety too A friend of mine said 'you can not worry about something that has not happened yet and may never happen. Deal with it if and when it happens'

Yeah I know you are right. I can't control someone else. I just thought I would never have to worry about this sort of thing with him as he always knew my boundaries from start😰

@ravenmum

I think you might have posted about this before a while back? You never had proof of what had gone on, so he used that as an argument to keep seeing her, but people agreed it sounded veeeery suspicious?

Does he know you still feel this way? Is he sympathetic?

The other day I brought up how bad I feel and stupid because this women attended an event he had invited me to and I saw her there keeping a low profile but he knew she was there. He said he can't control other people coming to stuff but it was about him. I would have liked a heads up she was going to be there hiding in background. I see her as nearly why my marriage ended previously and feel the lack of respect for me to just turn up at this event. I don't get why he didn't say to her by the way my wife going so best to keep away in view of past.

I know he's to blame most but be doesn't seem to tell her to ..../.. in the nicest possible way.
She strikes me as one of these women who likes to be friends with the lads.

And the lads think she is so nice and cool and can't see what I see.

You’re clearly in a lot of pain, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. But, I’m not sure I understand, OP. Your husband had dinner (nothing else?) with a woman two years ago. And because of that, you feel like nothing? Why?

Do you have access to any sort of mental health resource? Counselling?

Why was him having lunch with her such a problem? Is there a backstory? Did he cheat?

@Saysama

You’re clearly in a lot of pain, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. But, I’m not sure I understand, OP. Your husband had dinner (nothing else?) with a woman two years ago. And because of that, you feel like nothing? Why?

Do you have access to any sort of mental health resource? Counselling?

Yeah because it wasnt something we did as he went on own with her and lied and said he was still at work and when I found out said he was with a male friend. I found out it wasn't true and reason I'm screwed up is after me confronting him calmly he wanted to end a thirty year relationship😰😰 Has since said it was a mistake and he loves me etc but I was a goner for almost a week after I confronted him. We were like best friends💔😰😰 But the person I knew obviously not what I thought. I think he was attracted to this lady and maybe still is and although she has a very successful handsome hubby I wonder if they fell out if my hubby would try his luck. When i asked him why her he said he doesn't find her attractive etc but it was after dinner with her that he didn't want to be with me when I confronted him😰💔 Some people would say she is just a Mate and he went to dinner as a friend and I am too controlling etc but it was never something we did alone with a person of opposite sex in a nice restaurant incase it leads or gives the wrong impression. He has other females he comes into contact with and they come and say hello and when he looks at his phone their messages aren't deleted.

@roarfeckingroarr

Why was him having lunch with her such a problem? Is there a backstory? Did he cheat?

Because of lying about it. Why lie

For a quiet life? It's a bit extreme to object so strongly to having lunch with someone of the opposite sex.

@roarfeckingroarr

For a quiet life? It's a bit extreme to object so strongly to having lunch with someone of the opposite sex.

I understand why you say this is extreme but I never complained or was funny about any of ladies he has had contact with previously but maybe you don't agree but I feel taking a female colleague to a lovely restaurant we have been to together and paying and also arranging this on a day when she not a work odd. Also lying that you are still at work and washing car night before all feels like it was planned. I am not controlling he has been abroad many times without me etc but when you are in a committed relationship I don't agree with lying.

I agree, this wasn’t an innocent platonic lunch so don’t be derailed by having to justify that. He lied about it repeatedly and then wanted to end your marriage. He waited until you had proof before he ‘admitted’ it and was then unapologetic about not only going on a date with someone else but then gaslighting you about it.

It was at the very least the beginning of an emotional affair. Potentially more. I wonder if he spent that week waiting to see if she would leave her attractive and successful husband for him, and that’s why he maintained that your marriage was “over” in his mind. Because if she’d said jump he’d have been off like a shot.

Honestly whatever happened, he hasn’t been open and transparent, hasn’t distanced himself from her, hasn’t shown remorse for the pain it’s caused you, he’s just expected you to suck it up and get over it. And you can’t. So please don’t waste your life feeling shitty about yourself.

And as for wanting to lose weight, don’t worry about that now. Once you’ve got rid of the stress from your life you’ll find it easier to take care of yourself. I’m fact the only successful diet I’ve ever done was when I split from XH and lost 3 stone without even trying!

So tell him to fuck off, start your new life feeling full of hope for the future and feeling good about yourself because you won’t let yourself be treated like you’re “less than” any more.

@RaisedByPangolins

I agree, this wasn’t an innocent platonic lunch so don’t be derailed by having to justify that. He lied about it repeatedly and then wanted to end your marriage. He waited until you had proof before he ‘admitted’ it and was then unapologetic about not only going on a date with someone else but then gaslighting you about it.

It was at the very least the beginning of an emotional affair. Potentially more. I wonder if he spent that week waiting to see if she would leave her attractive and successful husband for him, and that’s why he maintained that your marriage was “over” in his mind. Because if she’d said jump he’d have been off like a shot.

Honestly whatever happened, he hasn’t been open and transparent, hasn’t distanced himself from her, hasn’t shown remorse for the pain it’s caused you, he’s just expected you to suck it up and get over it. And you can’t. So please don’t waste your life feeling shitty about yourself.

And as for wanting to lose weight, don’t worry about that now. Once you’ve got rid of the stress from your life you’ll find it easier to take care of yourself. I’m fact the only successful diet I’ve ever done was when I split from XH and lost 3 stone without even trying!

So tell him to fuck off, start your new life feeling full of hope for the future and feeling good about yourself because you won’t let yourself be treated like you’re “less than” any more.

Thanks for your support

His reaction was totally out of proportion had it just been a lunch with someone that he didn't tell you about because he didn't want you to worry. I'm of the opinion that committed couples should be up-front and if he was thinking that you might be concerned he should have told you before the event.
Because his reaction was so extreme it seems to imply he was up to something, even if all there was to it was that he fancied taking an attractive lady to lunch. I don't agree with that but I know men do it - gives them an ego boost.
Is your husband approaching an age where he thinks he might be losing his looks/physique? This can make them do crazy things.

@roarfeckingroarr

For a quiet life? It's a bit extreme to object so strongly to having lunch with someone of the opposite sex.

But OP states that it was out of character. There are couples who would never go to lunch on their own with a member of the opposite sex. When I was with my husband we would never have gone out for evening dinner alone with a member of the opposite sex. Well, that was the unspoken understanding - I'm sure he did do it, just didn't tell me!

You decide that one lunch and the lying about it isn't going to destroy your life any longer.

Ok your marriage had a huge bump in the road, your husband dealt with it appallingly, but are you really going to let it destroy your mental health any longer.

So you live for you. Get fitter, lose weight, paint a room in the house. If he's not good enough for you to keep up well then that's his loss.

For all you know he might have been lying to her as well, took her out for a lunch on a day off pretending it was work. It turns out to be a fancy restaurant and she sat there horrified but polite because she has a handsome successful husband at home. She gets home and says "well that was fucking uncomfortable I thought it was supposed to be a work lunch". He lives in cloud cuckoo land for a bit thinking it was a romantic date until he is brought back down to earth.

You don't have to hide away.

You don't have to ask her to stay away from work events. You just need to re-believe in you and whether you want to stay with your husband, and if you do you have to forgive and forget this for your own sake, or you go your separate ways because staying with him is making you a shell of a person.

Go back to work. Enjoy being busy with your colleagues. Have a bit of mystery about you again.

It will be ok.

@youcancallmeow

the way i see it is you have 2 choices keep plodding on with a man you dont trust feelings of anxiety and low self esteem generally feeling like your not good enough for him and eventually you will split up but you will have wasted years of your life or finish it move on put a value on yourself you can and will find someone who will treat you properly if your in a relationship with someone that make you feel like shit your in the wrong relationship i wasted years of my life with man like yours dont do what i did honestly you will regret it good lock

Exactly this. I would add though that you don't necessarily need to find someone else. I am counting down the days till I can leave my partner and certainly don't want another man anytime soon!

@frozendaisy

You decide that one lunch and the lying about it isn't going to destroy your life any longer.

Ok your marriage had a huge bump in the road, your husband dealt with it appallingly, but are you really going to let it destroy your mental health any longer.

So you live for you. Get fitter, lose weight, paint a room in the house. If he's not good enough for you to keep up well then that's his loss.

For all you know he might have been lying to her as well, took her out for a lunch on a day off pretending it was work. It turns out to be a fancy restaurant and she sat there horrified but polite because she has a handsome successful husband at home. She gets home and says "well that was fucking uncomfortable I thought it was supposed to be a work lunch". He lives in cloud cuckoo land for a bit thinking it was a romantic date until he is brought back down to earth.

You don't have to hide away.

You don't have to ask her to stay away from work events. You just need to re-believe in you and whether you want to stay with your husband, and if you do you have to forgive and forget this for your own sake, or you go your separate ways because staying with him is making you a shell of a person.

Go back to work. Enjoy being busy with your colleagues. Have a bit of mystery about you again.

It will be ok.

Thankyou This has really helped me. I have got a glass of wine 🍷 in my hand only one 😂 and going start believing in me. I think I have been feeling not good enough since then and something that happened ten years before. when I met my hubby all those years ago he adored me not that I expected that but it was nice to feel really desired and looked at.

Get yourself back to work and also a social life of your own. You can't change what he's done or control what he does, that's all on him, but you don't have to let him and his actions continue to eat away at you. See your gp, get some therapy, go and refind yourself.

He may step up, you might decide that actually, life without him would be far better, but what he did doesn't define you or your future.

Get a fancy bath bomb.
Have a full on evening the bath with wine and an escapism chick-lit fiction book. Retire to your boudoir, have a pedicure/manicure, wash your hair in the best shampoo money can buy. Body lotion all over, clean bedding, smell amazing another glass of wine with more book.

Sort out your work clothes, invest in New bits if you need to feel confident. Waltz back into work looking fabulous.

Make husband wonder what you are doing, where you are going. Who you are talking to.

What other choice do you have.

Enjoy your rebirth and promise yourself you will never get this low again because of a mere man.

Fuck me, we can do better than this!!

Here's a shitbag liar of a husband, whose wife is feeling like shit and the solution is lose weight and have a bath?

Honestly OP. The bottom line is, it is better to be single than married to a liar. I know you've been together 30 something years but I'm sure you have many years to come and You Deserve Happiness.

@Mabelface

Get yourself back to work and also a social life of your own. You can't change what he's done or control what he does, that's all on him, but you don't have to let him and his actions continue to eat away at you. See your gp, get some therapy, go and refind yourself.

He may step up, you might decide that actually, life without him would be far better, but what he did doesn't define you or your future.

Yes planning on going back in two weeks. Very worried but need to return as losing touch!

@MoiraNotRuby

Fuck me, we can do better than this!!

Here's a shitbag liar of a husband, whose wife is feeling like shit and the solution is lose weight and have a bath?

Honestly OP. The bottom line is, it is better to be single than married to a liar. I know you've been together 30 something years but I'm sure you have many years to come and You Deserve Happiness.

Yes he treated me very badly. I will never forget.

@frozendaisy

Get a fancy bath bomb. Have a full on evening the bath with wine and an escapism chick-lit fiction book. Retire to your boudoir, have a pedicure/manicure, wash your hair in the best shampoo money can buy. Body lotion all over, clean bedding, smell amazing another glass of wine with more book.

Sort out your work clothes, invest in New bits if you need to feel confident. Waltz back into work looking fabulous.

Make husband wonder what you are doing, where you are going. Who you are talking to.

What other choice do you have.

Enjoy your rebirth and promise yourself you will never get this low again because of a mere man.

If he does anything like this again it's over for me as I don't want to feel worse than I am at the moment😰😰💔💔