Resentful of the ex wife

[jillycooperfun]

How do people get past resent and jealousy of the ex wife? My husband has quite a good relationship with his ex wife because of their two children together, he makes a huge effort to keep things civil and pays a large sum to her every month. As time goes on I feel resentful of the time he needs to put in to support his ex wife and his children, I know this is unfair as it's important to keep a healthy relationship for the sake of his first children.
I find I'm often left alone in the house with our baby while he fulfils the needs of his first family (he works away from home as a self employed trucker during the winter) sometimes he's away as much as 4 nights a week and sometimes I calculate in my head how many less nights he could do if he weren't paying £600 pcm in maintenance. He is also in quite a bit of dept which he handles himself but it is a drain on him.
This isn't a question on how to solve these problems but more how to change my thinking, ie what healthy thinking methods can I employ to see things in a healthier manner? How can I become less resentful? I sometimes tell myself that the ex was here first so she deserves more of him than I get and the same for the other children, any other tips for a new way of thinking?

Think about what a great man you’ve married, who is the father of your child too. Not all men do the right thing, sounds like you’ve picked a winner.

Be proud of him rather than resentful. It sounds like he strives to be a brilliant father and that you’ve made a brilliant choice in a husband.

And remember that you chose to marry him, and have a child with him, knowing this already. You made that choice.

Focus on the fact that you've chosen a man who doesn't walk away from his children, does the right thing by them even when his relationship with their mother has ended, and has the maturity to have a positive co-parenting relationship with his ex.

Dwelling on how much more he could be home if he wasn't appropriately providing for his children is an unhealthy thing to dwell on as you knew he had children before choosing to have a child with him.

Other than money, what time does he spend with his children? I imagine if he has a variable role he is relying on the Ex to be flexible. I imagine that might be a cause of frustration for her.

Also how much does £600 p/m represent of his salary? It's often only 20% which means he gives 80% towards his 2nd family. If you think of it like that you'll realise his Ex isn't getting a great deal and his contribution isn't that great.

I generally think it's difficult for the Ex and 2nd wife and the women with children get the worse deal.

Are you happy in the relationship, is your life where you thought it would be?

@GoodnightGrandma

And remember that you chose to marry him, and have a child with him, knowing this already. You made that choice.

An earth-shatteringly helpful remark.

You’re resentful that his ex wife gets just £300 per child per month? Wow.

@Fireflygal well the money was a privately agreed amount and I think because of guilt (he was the one that left) it's much higher than it should be, he's self employed and his income varies but I'd probably calculate it as actually quite a low income hence the debt. I am also self employed working as a dog groomer but I've taken maternity pay from the government that is £150 per week. He doesn't give me any money but he pays all of the bills in our house so I feel I have plenty! I will go back to work when the money stops.
He sees his children every Monday and Tuesday after school and he has them Friday night to Saturday evening every week. Sometimes his mum has to help as he is away with work but he tries his best to be there for those days.
Thanks for the tips guys, I know I picked a good one, I must just be hormonal. I feel like crying when I'm left on my own so often

Think that you have chosen a good man who wants to do right by his children. Could you really respect a man who didn't support his kids and abandoned them? If they can do it to one set of children they could easily up and leave the second set. At least you know he will always be there for his DC.

@jillycooperfun

How do people get past resent and jealousy of the ex wife? My husband has quite a good relationship with his ex wife because of their two children together, he makes a huge effort to keep things civil and pays a large sum to her every month. As time goes on I feel resentful of the time he needs to put in to support his ex wife and his children, I know this is unfair as it's important to keep a healthy relationship for the sake of his first children. I find I'm often left alone in the house with our baby while he fulfils the needs of his first family (he works away from home as a self employed trucker during the winter) sometimes he's away as much as 4 nights a week and sometimes I calculate in my head how many less nights he could do if he weren't paying £600 pcm in maintenance. He is also in quite a bit of dept which he handles himself but it is a drain on him. This isn't a question on how to solve these problems but more how to change my thinking, ie what healthy thinking methods can I employ to see things in a healthier manner? How can I become less resentful? I sometimes tell myself that the ex was here first so she deserves more of him than I get and the same for the other children, any other tips for a new way of thinking?

You ask how to change your thinking. Maybe looking at some of the facts and considering other options would help .

Is your partner paying spousal support? If so, he has to do so because she helped cared for his children, did his housework and helped him build his career, the one that you and your child no doubt benefit from.

Is your partner paying child support ? If so he’s not paying for the benefit of his wife, it’s for his CHILDREN . That £600 is his legal and moral duty because he decided to have kids.

Perhaps it would be better if the children came to live with you full time? Would that save you some money ? Your partner could quit his current job with the shift work and find something 9-3 term time only so he could care for his children . Would that work better for you? Then his wife would have to pay child support to you.

Another option would be for you to have the children live with you 50% of the time, which would be fine with your partner in his new 9-3 M-F term time only job. Then you will have no child support to pay.

There are LOADS of well paid jobs that he could do M- F for 39 weeks of the year plus days off anytime for in service days and sick days. Not that I’ve ever looked for one myself but second wives / new GF like yourself are always talking on MN about how his ex should get one. So I know they must be plentiful.

Because it seems to be that your unhappiness and resentment are actually about your partner job and not his children. So changing his job and having the children more might fix your problems.

Just a thought.

And remember that you chose to marry him, and have a child with him, knowing this already. You made that choice.

You might as well have said 'You made your bed, now lie in it'

Ah I’ve just seen your post saying your are a self employed dog groomer. Well if your partner gives up his job, he will be around in the evenings and weekend to care for his 3 children. So you will be able to work a lot more hours and earn more money , which will help your family finances.

I’d imagine there’s a lot of demand for dog grooming in evenings / weekends from dog owners who are at work all week. You might be able to charge a higher rate 😀

I think too, you're losing sight of things a bit.
It isn't about the ex, it is about him being a good dad to his children.

@BubbleCoffee

And remember that you chose to marry him, and have a child with him, knowing this already. You made that choice.

You might as well have said 'You made your bed, now lie in it'

That’s not what I meant, don’t twist my words.

Yes you are right @spotcheck, I am pleased he is so good really. Sometimes I think I've got too much time on my hands now to over think and build resentment
It didn't bother me at all in the beginning but as time marches on I feel I have more rights, which is silly I suppose

And you know what? Him being mindful of the relationship between him/his children and his ex will pay dividends.
Chances are, they won't resent YOU. They're more likely to enjoy their new baby sibling, knowing they are secure with their dad. .

Imagine that he leaves you and starts another family. Will the £600 a month he gives to you make up for the fact that you’re now doing it on your own and he’s off with another family? That might help put things into perspective!

I know how it feels to be jealous of the ex and the fact that they got all the firsts. It’s not helpful to be pleased they’re such a good ex and good dad when the upshot of that is that you miss out. You’d have to be a saint to be pleased about something that causes you distress because it helps others. However, you are where you are and calculating how much more time you’d get to see him if he weren’t paying the amount he and his ex agreed to isn’t healthy.

@Double3xposure I don't want 'solutions' if you'd call that rant a solution, rather a way in which to feel less resentful with the current situation as it is. I'm also not denying that my resentment may be misplaced hence my want to overcome negative feelings, I'm trying to have a more positive outlook

Has he calculated what he should pay for child maintenance? Maybe if he paid the right amount he could clear his debt & then you would feel less resentful? He shouldn't be having to work crazy hours to pay a privately agreed amount

I think it’s very normal to feel sad if you’re partner is working all hours to fulfil a private maintenance agreement and spending a lot of time doing things for his first family, I don’t think that you feel he shouldn’t but more that you feel lonely and isolated and possibly in need of some more support from him? Is this right? Apologies if I’ve gotten that totally wrong.

Can he work out how much maintenance should actually be? Maybe if it’s a bit less he could put the money towards his debt to pay it off faster so he can be more present with you and his youngest child?

It’s not his ex wife and DC keeping him away for 4 nights a week though . It’s his job. If it’s that low paid that you think he’s on a low income, he needs to change his job as it’s obviously not worth him being away for 4 nights a week for.

You both had at least 8 months to prepare for a new baby (more if you planned it) knowing he was on a low income, had a job where he worked away, and had two other DC to support and spend time with. Plenty of time to find other work to suit his new circumstances.

You are projecting your resentment on the wrong people and I hope you haven’t made it obvious to them?

It’s a basic truth that you knew he had other responsibilities before having another DC with him. Maybe you should have thought carefully about that before instead of feeling resentful that his first family exists.

Not to mention the debt, maybe he should have cleared that before having another DC?

Also maybe think about the fact that he left (for you?) his ex wife alone with not one but TWO DC and she’s having to do all the donkey work with them 6 days a week. £600 a month is nothing compared to that.

If you didn’t think there was enough money going round OP due to debt and maintenance , why have you had a baby? Instead of maybe thinking how many fewer nights he could do if he wasn’t paying maintenance, maybe think what you could do to boost income at this time— I had to go back to work many years ago with a 12 week old baby — as it was 12 weeks max maternity pay and we simply couldn’t afford for me not to work - and I went back full time as you were not entitled to go back part time either. Thing is you knew the score and one day you might be greatful for the fact he is clearly a living and responsible dad— so although it’s hard I think you have to have a word with yourself about how you can lighten the load from your end

My boyfriends got an ex who he's stayed in touch with. They never Had kids. They were not happy in the end. Drink. Depression. Spending. Choosing friends over holidays together. He spoilt her rotten. All over his Facebook there's tagged photos of flowers and bracelets and holidays. The expensive garden they did together complete with a hot tub and hammock. The dogs they had. The random trips together they shared.

We are 4 months into our official relationship but we've been involved emotionally for 15 months. He has all her photos unlocked on his Facebook. Old framed pictures of her snogging him on a wedding photo shoot when she was bridesmaid tucked into the TV stand (they were on the wall when we first met) I believe twice he's accidently nearly called me her surname as that's what he called her rather than her first name. We've had many chats about her but we always got defensive.

A few months back she sent him a message saying she didn't trust women. She asked him why he speaks to me amongst other females on his Facebook. He chose to manage her. I got cross and he got snappy and said she just cares and I was over thinking. A few weeks ago he mentioned he feels awkward mentioning her. So I reacted with if I can't get comfortable with you and her soon I fully understand I need to walk away. He was pretty hurt by that. So i said we needed a huge discussion about them and their friendship.
We talked for ages and I asked all the questions. Why do you talk? Why did you split? Why does she monitor who you talk to after 3 years? Do you love her still? Have you met up? Do you have phone calls or messages? Would you ever get back together? Is she over you?

After asking all the questions he poured his heart out about how he can talk to me and he is so much more himself. He had put her on a pedestal and spoilt her and in return she was too busy with her mates and her career. He was lonely and with me I just focus on him and he can feel that I truly care about him. He swore she was never a threat to me.

After these talks I had to make a decision. I decided I needed to trust him. I stopped looking at her profile. I stopped over thinking. I stopped worrying. I know she doesn't want him to move on but she doesn't want him either. I also know he feels like he wants to be there to help her if she ever needs him. He still cares about her. It's obvious. It hurts me abit still. But I believe one day eventually someone else will walk into her life and eventually they will loose touch for good.

About 2 weeks after our conversation he blocked her on Facebook and she messaged to ask why. So they still play games with eachother. I kinda presume she said something to make him do that.

I think you need to ask yourself why it's bothering you. For me it was the fear I couldn't mean to him what she did. The fear he didn't feel he wanted to show me off because he was still grieving her. His Facebook having stacks of her memories but nothing of me. The photos on his wall and the mentions. Fearing she will always be his main relationship in this life.

I'd suggest when you work out your fears you talk to him. He's the only one who can ease your mind. But I understand how it feels to be in the exes shadow.

I've been so stressed out by her that if I hear the word ex I think of her instantly like it's her first name. I think "my ex" Is one of his most used phases!

Talk to him. Good luck x