Resentful of the ex wife

[jillycooperfun]

How do people get past resent and jealousy of the ex wife? My husband has quite a good relationship with his ex wife because of their two children together, he makes a huge effort to keep things civil and pays a large sum to her every month. As time goes on I feel resentful of the time he needs to put in to support his ex wife and his children, I know this is unfair as it's important to keep a healthy relationship for the sake of his first children.
I find I'm often left alone in the house with our baby while he fulfils the needs of his first family (he works away from home as a self employed trucker during the winter) sometimes he's away as much as 4 nights a week and sometimes I calculate in my head how many less nights he could do if he weren't paying £600 pcm in maintenance. He is also in quite a bit of dept which he handles himself but it is a drain on him.
This isn't a question on how to solve these problems but more how to change my thinking, ie what healthy thinking methods can I employ to see things in a healthier manner? How can I become less resentful? I sometimes tell myself that the ex was here first so she deserves more of him than I get and the same for the other children, any other tips for a new way of thinking?

How can I become less resentful? I sometimes tell myself that the ex was here first so she deserves more of him than I get and the same for the other children, any other tips for a new way of thinking?

Well no. He shouldn't be giving more of himself to his ex and his older children at all. His younger child with you (and you as well as his wife) absolutely deserve equally from him as his older children.

The fact your child came second to his older children does absolutely not make them less worthy of him / his time / his resources. Please do not think like that. You would be doing a disservice to your child to accept anything like that.

How can I become less resentful?

Ask yourself what you’d want for your own child if your relationship ended: a Dad that ghosts him/her or one that steps up and continues to play an active part in your life? Positive relationships with his kids from his first marriage also mean the possibility of older (half) sibling relationships for your baby when he/she is older.

@Neveragain85

Has he calculated what he should pay for child maintenance? Maybe if he paid the right amount he could clear his debt & then you would feel less resentful? He shouldn't be having to work crazy hours to pay a privately agreed amount

It's nice to hear of a man who isn't just trying to pay the bare minimum (or less) for his own children.

You've married a man who demonstrates unfailing support, love, commitment and care to his children, and support honour and commitment to their mother. Aren't those exactly the qualities you want for your children and your relationship?

£300 PCM/ £ 75 per week per child is not a large amount to support them. You'll find that out as your baby grows up.

@BudrosBudrosGalli
Geez, you must be missing something in your life to feel the need to get online and be nasty to a woman who has acknowledged she has a problem and is asking for help.

Perhaps he should look again at how much he is paying the ex. If it's a lot over what he's obliged to pay then he could reduce the payments and be home more with all of his children. Also he would reduce his debt more quickly.

It seems that you are paying out more for your family than you should because he is paying the ex too much for now.

Maybe go through the official channels and pay what the law requires.

I think people are being a bit unfair to the OP by reminding her what a wonderful father he is with his first kids when op seems to be saying she’s often left on her own with his second family - maybe I’m reading it wrong but it sounds like he doesn’t spend much time with her and the new child and how does that make him a great father, especially as she is now the one he’s romantically involved with.

It’s hard for parents with multiple kids by different people to find balance but that’s what he needs to do OP. I don’t think the problem is strictly yours to deal with and he needs to find a way of managing his time so that you and your child are getting as much attention as his other kids do. You shouldn’t be feeling resentful of the ex and of you are then you really need to work out exactly what the problem is and who it lies with.

You could stop referring to his children as his “first family”. These are all his children. Mindset around the needs of the children would be helpful as it’s not about the ex wife. It’s about the well being of his children.

I suspect you have some issues around your place in the blended family so it would maybe be helpful to talk to a family counselor about blending families successfully.

If you view paying the CM as your ex and you paying not to have two additional children to look after for half the time, that might help. It's really quite a good deal for 24/7 50/50 childcare. You wouldn't find a babysitter/ nanny to provide it more cheaply and at least you're not being used as an unpaid sitter.

Lots of posters are talking about the money, but OP was really talking about the time that her husband spends away earning it. She wants more time with him there, which is very understandable with a new baby. OP, do you have enough support from other family or friends during this time? Having a new baby is so taxing and it would be ideal if your husband could be there every day, but if other people helped out more would it perhaps help the situation a bit?

Some people on this thread are trying to help you see that a negative (your DH paying maintenance money on his kids and hence working away) is actually a positive and to remind you that you chose a man who had already been married with kids. It's not like this came out of the blue and you married him unawares. It may be "unhelpful" but it's the truth.

I think you want to hear that it would be OK for your DH to not see his kids from his previous marriage and to quit his job in order not to have to pay maintenace. I actually understand your resentment, it's only natural to want your man and his money to yourself but that isn't the situation and no amount of complaining can ever change that.

You have a choice to walk away if you genuinely can't handle it and to find a man with no kids or baggage.

@RamblingOldWoman

Also maybe think about the fact that he left (for you?) his ex wife alone with not one but TWO DC and she’s having to do all the donkey work with them 6 days a week. £600 a month is nothing compared to that.

That's a big fat assumption there isn't it.

Op does he spend any time with your child?

I supported my ex for 24 years. Had two children and moved abroad for his work, thus missing out on a good a career for myself.
He now has a new wife and I'm resentful of HER ! She's living a great life, want's an Audi (she can't drive), kids are dressed in designer gear, she doesn't work..... blah blah, yet she's only had to put up with the ex for a few years !
My kids have missed out on not having a dad around for ages and if they are lucky, they seem him for a couple of hours once a month.
I guess what I'm saying is that the ex is probably suffering too !

[quote jillycooperfun]@Double3xposure I don't want 'solutions' if you'd call that rant a solution, rather a way in which to feel less resentful with the current situation as it is. I'm also not denying that my resentment may be misplaced hence my want to overcome negative feelings, I'm trying to have a more positive outlook [/quote]
I’m suggesting that If you look at the possible alternatives , you might feel better about your current set up. It might make you more positive, which is what you say you want.

It might also help if you stopped seeing it as her rights vs your rights and saw it as HIS responsibilities to his three children.

You don’t have more rights to him because you have given birth. He has more responsibilities to each child - in terms of time and money - each time has he has another one.

@jillycooperfun

Where is looking after his other 2 children?;at his exes house?;the way you've worded it makes it sound as though he doesn't have the children at your home.

You come across as abit insecure about the whole situation;are you worried he might want to get back together with her?

You said he was the one who chose to leave;did you meet him afterwards or were you a OW?

He sees his children every Monday and Tuesday after school and he has them Friday night to Saturday evening every week. Sometimes his mum has to help as he is away with work but he tries his best to be there for those days

YY I find this a bit confusing. If he has his children to stay every Friday at your ( joint ) house, why does his mother have to help? Why don’t you look after your step children ?

If they are not at your house - where are they? Surely he’s not staying at his wife’s house 3 nights a week and working 4 nights a week ? That would be very odd.

Have you ever met his wife or children ?

Is he on the council tax and bills at your house? Is it in fact your house ( your name on the rent book / deeds / mortgage ) and he gives you some money towards bills when he has some?