Page 3 | Would this texting style or lack of annoy you?

EchoElephant · 2021-11-20T19:02:21+00:00

I've been dating someone for about 3 months. Things are going well. He always sends me a text in the morning wishing me a good day with maybe a comment about something to do with the day ahead. If we're not seeing each other that day then we'll have a chat on the phone. He doesn't do a lot of texting. Sometimes I'll send him a text and he'll read it but doesn't reply unless it has a question to answer. We were supposed to spend this weekend today but I've got a bad cold so I suggested on Friday eve that he stayed away. Then I had a family emergency which was quite distressing for me. I rang him for some support but at that point I only knew a few details. This morning he sent a text saying 'hope you feel better today'. That was all it said. Didn't ask if I needed anything or if I had any more news. So I replied that I was feeling a lot worse and filled him in on the family emergency. He read my text but didn't reply. I left it a few hours then sent another text saying I guessed he was having a busy day. He replied with a list of what he'd been doing and said he was sorry I still felt ill. By this time I was annoyed so I asked why he'd ignored my original text, saying that I thought he was being rude. He said he'd been busy with his plans for the day, that he couldn't make me better and I shouldn't take it out on him. I said I'm sorry that my cold had ruined our plans for the weekend but I had hoped he would call me. He's read that and not replied. I accept my cold, being on my own and my family situation have made me more grumpy and stressed than usual, but am I wrong to have expected a bit more from him?

WTF475878237NC · 21/11/2021 06:13

Red. Flags. Everywhere

Afraid so.

Shasha17 · 21/11/2021 06:33

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. Not all people like to be in constant text communication all day. If you like him you might need to be a bit more respectful of his personal space

sammylady37 · 21/11/2021 06:38

@PurpleishDahlia

I disagree with the 'needy' comments. Also, I don't think 3 months is too early to know you care about someone and to express that effectively.

This is from Napoleon to Josephine:

“Ever since I left you, I have been sad. I am only happy when by your side. Ceaselessly I recall your kisses, your tears, your enchanting jealousy; and the charms of the incomparable Joséphine keep constantly alight a bright and burning flame in my heart and senses. When, free from every worry, from all business, I shall spend all my moments by your side, to have nothing to do but to love you.”

This is from my ex to me after 3 days of silence:

"Tried calling. Went to VM."

Fuck that.

Christ. That tripe from Napoleon is suffocating and actually coercive. Making her responsible for his happiness. Saying he can’t be happy without her. Saying he’s going to spend all his time with her. Talk about smothering. If someone posted here that their boyfriend was messaging that stuff they’d be told (rightly) that there were red flags waving and to expect the threats of suicide if she tried to end it. Fuck. That. Shit.

foxlover47 · 21/11/2021 06:57

I don't think you've been needy , I think you have different texting styles ...
he wasn't supportive when you were going through something important to you , he called it drama and then turned around and said he was sad he couldn't see you ?!
There is nothing needy about being three months into a relationship and wanting a bit of support , you've already met his family so is obviously been a fast moving thing.
After talking you're thinking you may of been a bit too much ...
Maybe he was a bit too less ....
Never excuse the way you feel / felt to suit someone else's lack of care , what hey show you is who they are

CaMePlaitPas · 21/11/2021 07:06

Your behaviour would put me off to be honest OP. You're only 3 months in, it's supposed to be fun and not too serious at that stage and you're expecting the bloke to basically step into a long term partner role by asking what you need and supporting you through a family crisis. Then you're getting pissed off with him and sending messages that are telling him he's rude. At that point I'd be thinking "this is too much" and back way off. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

rhowton · 21/11/2021 07:59

If this had been my DH at the start of our relationship, he would have come round regardless and bought me food and wrap me up in a blanket and would have probably stayed with me. We were living together at 6 months and engaged at 16 months.

MrsPleasant · 21/11/2021 08:08

@rhowton

If this had been my DH at the start of our relationship, he would have come round regardless and bought me food and wrap me up in a blanket and would have probably stayed with me. We were living together at 6 months and engaged at 16 months.

Why on earth would you need food and to be wrapped in a blanket???

Long talks to get things straight and "share the drama" sounds far too intense for me. Glad you have met someone equally intense op but sounds like you'd both drive me nuts!!

FrancescaContini · 21/11/2021 08:16

@rhowton

If this had been my DH at the start of our relationship, he would have come round regardless and bought me food and wrap me up in a blanket and would have probably stayed with me. We were living together at 6 months and engaged at 16 months.

And…??

grapewine · 21/11/2021 08:23

Christ. That tripe from Napoleon is suffocating and actually coercive. Making her responsible for his happiness. Saying he can’t be happy without her. Saying he’s going to spend all his time with her. Talk about smothering. If someone posted here that their boyfriend was messaging that stuff they’d be told (rightly) that there were red flags waving and to expect the threats of suicide if she tried to end it.
Fuck. That. Shit.

I couldn't agree more.

sandy354 · 21/11/2021 09:52

@rhowton

If this had been my DH at the start of our relationship, he would have come round regardless and bought me food and wrap me up in a blanket and would have probably stayed with me. We were living together at 6 months and engaged at 16 months.

That's where everyone is different. If I had been with someone for 3 months and wanted some space (while I had a cold, or for anything other reason at all, it's irrelevant), and he couldn't respect that, he'd be gone!

It's not romantic, it's pushy & disrespectful. Almost controlling.

If I have a cold and don't want to see someone, that's my prerogative. Going in a huff over that and throwing his toys out the pram would spell the end for me

WakeuptoCake · 21/11/2021 09:56

@CaMePlaitPas

Your behaviour would put me off to be honest OP. You're only 3 months in, it's supposed to be fun and not too serious at that stage and you're expecting the bloke to basically step into a long term partner role by asking what you need and supporting you through a family crisis. Then you're getting pissed off with him and sending messages that are telling him he's rude. At that point I'd be thinking "this is too much" and back way off. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.

3 months is longer enough to really care and even love someone. Unfortunately, life can’t always be fun and if someone cares about you they should be there for you. She was only hoping for a call/ text checking in on her family situation. If you have to hide your worries and pretend to be miss smiley with a partner of 3 months what’s the point. 3 dates yes , 3 months it’s an early relationship

Movinghouseatlast · 21/11/2021 09:57

It's 3 months which is nothing. I wouldn't be involving someone in family stuff or expecting support that early on. If you don't like him then dump him, but I actually think you are the unreasonable one here

daisychain01 · 21/11/2021 21:43

To those who said why didn't I just call, he never keeps him phone near him, so we always just text first then follow up with a call if we want to.

So your text to him could have said "when you pick this up, can you give me a call. Parents in difficulty, feeling upset, would like to talk it through."

He'd be far more likely to respond to a practical request like that, rather than you beating around the bush, not expressing your need and expecting him to be a mind-reader. If you'd been together years he'd understand you, but after 3 months you're both still very new to each other. Don't set him up to fail even if unintentionally, by no communicating clearly .

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/11/2021 21:55

It’s really early days op
On the surface his texts seem to express a degree of
Concern
Like I said very early days , so maybe focus on family and friends for support than someone you’ve been dating 3 months

Saysama · 22/11/2021 01:17

@EchoElephant

Update. We've had a chat and I read it all wrong. He was really upset that I didn't want to see him because of my cold. I thought I was doing the right thing. I'm horribly snotty and couldn't sleep at all.

He wanted to see me despite this. But didn't say so. Instead he felt I was pushing him away. So today he made himself as busy as possible to stop thinking about me.

It's not that it was all too dramatic or I was too needy. He actually wants to be part of my drama and see me when I'm ill.

Just wish he'd actually said that last night. Could've saved us both a lot of stress!

I’m sorry, but this is nonsense. You were ill and going through some hard times and he offered you no support…because he was sad you wanted to veg alone for a bit? You didn’t want to see him and he had so little emotional regulation that he had to make himself as busy as possible and avoid thinking about you? Why, because the trauma of having weekend plans cancelled was so great?

And all that nonsense about not wanting your drama? You’re just going to accept that this is someone who lashes out and says unkind things to you (when you’re ill and going through stuff, mind) because of made up infractions (as, again, you’d find nothing wrong)? WHY?

This isn’t about texting style. He sounds like an arse.

Original poster

EchoElephant · 22/11/2021 06:50

It seems I've started an interesting discussion. And much of it hinges on whether 3 months is enough time to know someone well enough to offer support when there is a family crisis.

In the past I would've agreed with those who say it is too early. But this relationship feels different. Before I wrote my OP I had to check how long we have been together because it feels a lot longer than 3 months.

However, it's clear we don't know each other as well as we thought. I assumed he wouldn't want to see me at the weekend. Full of snot, coughing, struggling to breathe, whole body aching. Not flu, not covid but a nasty cold and I didn't want to pass it on to him. Plus I was dealing with my family crisis.

For those who say I shouldn't have expected his support for this. The point is, he wanted to be with me and provide support. He feels that we're in a relationship where it isn't just about having fun and we should support each other no matter what.

With hindsight we both made assumptions. I assumed he was ok with cancelling the weekend. He thought I was pushing him away.

We all carry baggage from past experience. My ex husband had all the emotional insight of a concrete block. I was never able to count on his support. I was expected to deal with everything myself. Illness, death, whatever, you dealt with it in private, by yourself.

I knew when I got his text on Saturday morning, that something wasn't quite right. He didn't ask how I was or for an update on my parents. He just said he hoped I felt better. When I replied explaining how ill I was and how serious the situation was with my parents, he read it almost straightaway but didn't reply. He was at home all day doing housework. He could've picked up the phone at any point for a chat. But he was sulking and has admitted that he was.

I was wrong to say he was being rude by not answering my texts. But by that time it was mid afternoon and I hadn't heard anything from him other than a list of all the chores he'd done.

I agree with PP who have said it's an amber/red flag that he sulked about this. It's something that I'm now aware of but I don't believe it's cause for alarm at this stage.

We've both learnt more about each other and the importance of good communication.

And I've also learnt that on MN, 3 months can be a lifetime to some but only a few weeks to others.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts.

OP posts:

spotcheck · 22/11/2021 07:00

@EchoElephant

Update. We've had a chat and I read it all wrong. He was really upset that I didn't want to see him because of my cold. I thought I was doing the right thing. I'm horribly snotty and couldn't sleep at all.

He wanted to see me despite this. But didn't say so. Instead he felt I was pushing him away. So today he made himself as busy as possible to stop thinking about me.

It's not that it was all too dramatic or I was too needy. He actually wants to be part of my drama and see me when I'm ill.

Just wish he'd actually said that last night. Could've saved us both a lot of stress!

Ah, the old ' I was so upset, I had to be distant and cold'

What about his actions suggests this is true?

I'm amazed at people saying that three months in is too short amount of time to express basic interest in someone.
How does someone 'move up' , relationship wise?