Would this texting style or lack of annoy you?

[EchoElephant]

I've been dating someone for about 3 months. Things are going well. He always sends me a text in the morning wishing me a good day with maybe a comment about something to do with the day ahead.

If we're not seeing each other that day then we'll have a chat on the phone. He doesn't do a lot of texting. Sometimes I'll send him a text and he'll read it but doesn't reply unless it has a question to answer.

We were supposed to spend this weekend today but I've got a bad cold so I suggested on Friday eve that he stayed away. Then I had a family emergency which was quite distressing for me. I rang him for some support but at that point I only knew a few details.

This morning he sent a text saying 'hope you feel better today'. That was all it said. Didn't ask if I needed anything or if I had any more news.
So I replied that I was feeling a lot worse and filled him in on the family emergency.
He read my text but didn't reply.

I left it a few hours then sent another text saying I guessed he was having a busy day. He replied with a list of what he'd been doing and said he was sorry I still felt ill.

By this time I was annoyed so I asked why he'd ignored my original text, saying that I thought he was being rude.

He said he'd been busy with his plans for the day, that he couldn't make me better and I shouldn't take it out on him.

I said I'm sorry that my cold had ruined our plans for the weekend but I had hoped he would call me. He's read that and not replied.

I accept my cold, being on my own and my family situation have made me more grumpy and stressed than usual, but am I wrong to have expected a bit more from him?

The problem is, one person's 'emergency' could be another person's 'drama'. Sounds harsh but unless someone is critically ill, has had a terminal diagnosis or had died, I wouldn't expect my boyfriend of 3 months to be able to contribute much or offer much beyond friendly platitudes. Also, you called off the weekend because you had a cold. So, presumably he's made other plans. Why would he keep contacting you? I'd assume your in bed with a box set or asleep. I don't think you sound very compatible.

Update. We've had a chat and I read it all wrong. He was really upset that I didn't want to see him because of my cold.
I thought I was doing the right thing. I'm horribly snotty and couldn't sleep at all.

He wanted to see me despite this. But didn't say so. Instead he felt I was pushing him away. So today he made himself as busy as possible to stop thinking about me.

It's not that it was all too dramatic or I was too needy. He actually wants to be part of my drama and see me when I'm ill.

Just wish he'd actually said that last night. Could've saved us both a lot of stress!

@EchoElephant
Trying to put myself in his shoes, obviously don’t know all the details but:

It’s only been 3 months
You had some family issues that he offered to help with
You have a cold and he checked in with you.

Then you asked if he was busy and he replied that he was
The you accused him of being rude.

if I was him yes, I would be the one rethinking things.

Sorry, that’s how I see it.

Just pick up the phone and talk to him. Some people just hate texting - and perhaps you need to respect that.

Glad you've sorted it and it was a misunderstanding.

I was just about to reply to say that it's impossible for anyone to judge without knowing what the family emergency/family drama was. To you it's an 'emergency' although you refer to it as a drama in a follow up post. If it genuinely wasn't a drama rather than an actual emergency then I'd think you've been expecting too much.

You sound very needy.

You've been seeing him for 3 months, so not long at all. You've got a cold. You've had a family crisis of some kind - presumably, he hasn't met your family? Then you followed it up with more texts. You sound so needy. If I were him, I'd feel a bit suffocated

What is all this 'too needy' nonsense. Needs are needs. If a particular partner can't meet them it doesn't make you 'needy', its not something to kick yourself over, it just means you're incompatible. Never shame other women for their needs and wanting them to be met

I don’t think you sound needy. All relationships are different. At 4 months dh and I were talking about “when we get married” which we didn’t rush into (married after 3 years) but there just was no doubt we’d be together (that was 20 Years ago) but the boyfriend before dh, dear God, after a year we still barely committed to meeting up the following weekend.

Glad it’s gone well op. Definitely time for a chat about being honest about feelings and communicating openly so neither of you have to second guess the other.

Glad it's sorted. For what it's worth now, I'm not a fan of sending multiple texts if I haven't had a reply, or haven't had the one I wanted. Far better to leave it and pick up the phone when you can talk properly if not face to face.

I hope your parents are okay.

You are wanting too much, being very needy. Id be put off by all of it.

I don't understand why you didn't have a phone call with him and explain the family situation that was upsetting you, verbally rather than the texting.

You're making things far more complicated than they need to be and setting yourself up for disappointment too early in the relationship. Too much drama too early on.

He doesn't do a lot of texting.

The above line in your first post is your answer OP. Good to see it was all down to a miscommunication following your conversation. Your angst over him reading and not replying to your texts was a bit panicky and a bit much though.

I presume you would like to develop your relationship with this man, and if, you'll need to adjust your texting expectations given that you already know the above, and he's probably going to be that way forever. If you want to suggest changing what's been pre-arranged in future, just pick up the phone.

I disagree with the 'needy' comments. Also, I don't think 3 months is too early to know you care about someone and to express that effectively.

This is from Napoleon to Josephine:

“Ever since I left you, I have been sad. I am only happy when by your side. Ceaselessly I recall your kisses, your tears, your enchanting jealousy; and the charms of the incomparable Joséphine keep constantly alight a bright and burning flame in my heart and senses. When, free from every worry, from all business, I shall spend all my moments by your side, to have nothing to do but to love you.”

This is from my ex to me after 3 days of silence:

"Tried calling. Went to VM."

Fuck that.

OP. If I may. you didnt read it all wrong. He didn't actually tell you he was upset that you cancelled plans over a cold. And it seems like he ignored you a bit as a result? Busy if you will. And then said it was because he didn't want involved with your drama. Which also wasn't the case. Sounds kinda passive aggressive

So he told you "he couldn't make you better, and not to take it out on him"

He also told you "he didn't want your drama"

But now it's all a huge misunderstanding?

Hmmmm, you don't usually make those kind of statements if you're dad you're not with the person you're saying them to.

He was the one who specifically said " he didn't want your drama.

All sounds very odd.

Sad not dad 😩

Nah, OP. I don't buy his story. Do you, really? Or do you just really want it to be true?

He actually wants to be part of my drama and see me when I'm ill.

if he wanted to be part of your drama he'd have asked how things were going since you explained the situation to him yesterday, instead of focusing on your cold

It's also worrying that on your OP you called it a family emergency that was very distressing for you. He downplayed it by calling it "your drama" and now you're referring to it as drama yourself. A family emergency that causes distress is hardly "drama" - so either, you were completely over reacting over a small issue in which case I don't think he's at fault for not wanting updates; or, this was a serious emergency causing genuine distress, he showed no interest and when he's been called out on it, he's manipulating and gaslighting you to make it sound like it wasn't that big a deal.

Given the fact he's gone in a huff like a sulky teenager when you've not wanted to see him when you have a cold I'm guessing it's the latter

He sounds like he's definitely manipulating you tho if he's guilt tripping you over a cold. Even if he still wants to see you, you may want space & peace while you're ill and he's not willing to give you that without a huff. Why is it down to whether he wants to see you when you're ill. Do you not have feelings or get a say?

Some answers here are sad. There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to show a little concern, even if it's only been 3 months.

OP, if he wanted to, he would. It seems like he's not very interested. There's nothing wrong with your texting style and after 3 months, he should be showing some more concern with you. Ignoring you isn't cool. At what point in dating is long enough for the person to actually care and show some concern? If not at 3 months, then when? A year? 10 years? Never? When?

When I was dating my now husband for only 3 months, I really liked him at that point. We both cared about each other's well being and if one of us wasn't feeling well, the other called/texted occasionally to see how everything is going.

I think you and him are on different pages and you may want to cut your losses unless he's really great in other ways. He's giving you a sneak peak into his personality. At 3 months, most people are still trying to impress but he's acting like this and not showing any concern.

I like that style of textile. It's factual. I don't like having to write an essay.
If I need to speak to someone at length I call them. I drop a text first asking if it's convenient to chat.

@GertietheGherkin agree
@PurpleishDahlia your post made me laugh. He was no napoleon eh !

Good update.

Thanks for everyone's replies. They have given me some things to think about.
To those who said why didn't I just call, he never keeps him phone near him, so we always just text first then follow up with a call if we want to.

It was a family emergency involved my parents, police and paramedics. He knew a little about it last night but not the whole story.

I feel we both pushed each other away when things got tough and didn't talk it through properly. We've had a proper talk this evening about what happened and why. A lot of assumptions were made on both sides.
Three months isn't a long time and we still have a lot to learn about each other.

But I have taken on board the comments about being needy and also his reaction to it all.

Based on your update on what the emergency was, I don't think any of the PPs can call you needy at all.

If that happened in my family and my bf of 3 months minimised it as "drama" and used that as an excuse not to ask after them, I'd end it for that alone.

He showed you his true colours and is not trying to play mind games and turn it on you. He didn't ask how you or your parents were after an incident involving paramedics and police as his nose was out of joint over you not wanting to see him in person while you had a cold?

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