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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this abusive or is it me???

54 replies

TakeMeAway82 · 20/11/2021 17:26

Where to start, the absolute main point here is that I am 40yrs old never had a child and desperately want a family and if I break up with my partner it's very unlikely I will have that.

So we get along well but whenever I bring up an issue he quickly turns to anger and shouts at me that I'm y'all he wants is to relax at the weekend and I ruin it'. We have been together 2 years and I've always seen him as emotionally immature and dont know how to handle issues with him cause in last relationships you talk it out or bicker but resolve it but he goes from 1 to 10 and makes me feel bad for ever having any issues. For e.g.. I've put on weight after 2 miscarriages in the last year and getting ready to go out I got upset and frustrated that I looked horrible, he did try initially for 2 mins by saying you look good but because I carried on venting my frustration that I'm working out everyday with no results he quickly he stopped listening and literally ignored me looking at his phone. I was so frustrated and asked him to at least act like he cared and that was it - he goes mental starts storming about that I've ruined his weekend he just wants a peaceful life blah blah getting aggressive and verbally abusive. I know it must be frustrating to want to chill out and your partner is upset but most adults accept this as part of a relationship and supporting their partner??? I have never had a relationship like this, he is so immature. I look after everything house wise - I work from home and he uses that against me constantly that he works harder than me so I do all household duties. He doesn't have to do anything! The house is clean and dinner on table when he gets home, but I get frustrated yes when he leaves mess for me to clean up and if I share mention it he goes mental and blamed me for causing problems and that he just wants to relax when he gets home from work.. ..

Anyway sorry for the ramble, if I was younger I would have left him by now but I want a child, never had one and as I said I'm 40. He wants one too because he thinks it will give his life a purpose - he can't give any good reason for having one other than that and I've tried to talk to him about how we would handle the stress of a baby but he literally won't talk about - I honestly swing between thinking he is autistic to just immature. If I leave him now the chances of me having s child are so unlikely and the upside is that life was difficult alone - I work from home so need a 2 bedroom place and it's a cobsysnt struggle and of course we get on when there aren't issues and I like the companionship. I feel so trapped. I know people will just say leave but then I'm alone and childless is that really better? I'm so sad at the thought of not having a baby 😔

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 20/11/2021 17:27

It sounds a really difficult situation. However personally I wouldn't want to have a child with him. You would have a lifelong connection to him and he sounds a complete pain in the arse! Sleepless nights and lack of attention certainly wouldn't make him a nicer guy.

TheAverageUser · 20/11/2021 17:30

This stuff will only get worse when you have a child and you can leave him then but you'd be forever tied to him and you'd have to leave your child with him and trust he's taking good care of them. Would you have a baby alone?

Jasmine00 · 20/11/2021 17:31

Oh no please consider having a child with this man, why don't you go to gp and get fertility checked for peace of mind, you might have a good few years yet and you could meet someone lovely or use a donor, your partner will only get worse with the stresses of pregnancy and a new baby.

InnPain · 20/11/2021 17:35

What I mostly got from this is that you want a child. I think if you didn’t want a child of course you wouldn’t even post and probably be out the door by now. He would be history.

Now having a child isn’t all rainbows and sparkles, I’m sure you know that though. If he isn’t supportive now then how will he be supportive during the pregnancy. What if it’s a tough one? The labour? The night feeds? Would you still be expected to do all the housework and cooking?

There is so much to think about here, a child is for life and the person you have it with needs to be able to handle the pressures, the highs and the lows that come with it.

I won’t say leave him, I know not everything is black and white in life. I will say that don’t overlook a terrible relationship just to get a baby out of it.

If you wouldn’t have been with him if you didn’t want a baby then you shouldn’t be with him just because you do want one.

Hope that made some sort of sense.

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 20/11/2021 17:38

If I was in your shoes I’d rather have a sperm donor and parent on your own obviously capable and mind terms than have a baby with this man who treats you like a second class citizen

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 20/11/2021 17:38

Capable and kind terms

Coldtoday · 20/11/2021 17:41

So what are your plans for having a child? Are you actively trying? Do you have a timescale? Or are you waiting for him to grow up?

Fidgetty · 20/11/2021 17:42

I feel so trapped. I know people will just say leave but then I'm alone and childless is that really better?

Yes it absolutely is better. If you want to know what trapped really feels like then have a baby with this arsehole, watch him escalate his shitty behaviour while you struggle to keep your mental health intact while doing ALL the exhausting, tedious grunt work that goes with having children. He won't lift a finger. You'll be simmering with resentment but afraid to leave as you'll have to hand over your precious baby to him for access and you will have no control over how he chooses to parent (shittily I guarantee). Even the strongest relationships can seriously struggle with the addition of a newborn. You'd be literally insane to procreate with this man.

As scary as it might be I'd seriously consider having a baby on your own with donor sperv. As if you stay and have a child with him you'll end up as a single parent eventually anyway and at least this way it will be on your terms without having a horrible man ruining the experience for you.

Don't sell yourself so short OP, he'll drag you to the depths of despair and you deserve better. Best of luck Flowers

Theplantisgrowing · 20/11/2021 17:44

Fidgetty

Perfectly put.

category12 · 20/11/2021 17:46

But is this the kind of situation you should bring a child into?

And is this the sort of father you should give them?

And you don't need 2 bedrooms for WFH. There are loads of people WFH who don't.

FlowerArranger · 20/11/2021 17:46

if I was younger I would have left him by now but I want a child, never had one and as I said I'm 40. He wants one too because he thinks it will give his life a purpose

Goodness, listen to yourself!
You both need to grow up.
Separately! !!

FYI - a furiously ticking biological clock is never a valid reason for having a child.
As for procreating to 'give his life a pupose'........ I mean WTF

ShowMeTheSugar · 20/11/2021 17:47

He sounds like he has anger issues and you'd be much better off without him. I'm not sure why you suspect at times he has autism, but if it's because of his anger that's pretty offensive.

Sorry you're so keen to have a child and it hasn't happened. To deliberately and consciously go out of your way to have a child with this man is an awful idea. Why don't you have a chat with your GP about your fertility options, and get rid of him in the meantime.

Salayes · 20/11/2021 17:55

You don’t just have a baby with someone though - the baby has you, two parents it is stuck with forever and will shape its world. Is this the sort of person you want to saddle a kid with as a father?

Elieza · 20/11/2021 18:06

He’s lazy and gaslighting just now. It will get way worse if you have kids.

Don’t breed with him.

Consider other options, like getting your pregnancy viability checked out to see if you could have a baby now. By IVF if required. I’d be using sperm donation rather than his genetics. He doesn’t sound very nice. You can do better. Don’t settle.

Theturnofthepoo · 20/11/2021 18:12

I get the want for a baby but if you don’t like this situation how do you feel your child would like it growing up?

TableFlowerss · 20/11/2021 18:16

Having a child with him will not end well!!

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 20/11/2021 18:22

If you feel trapped now, youll feel 100 times worse trapped with this useless man and a baby.
Get rid of him and start afresh. He will not change his ways and youll go crazy cleaning, looking after the baby and working. Not worth it

Jennifer11 · 20/11/2021 18:23

He sounds like a hugely unpleasant man and one you shouldn't even consider having a child with. He's not your last chance, you are worth much more than this. Being a single parent via sperm donor sounds definitely preferable!

Fidgetty · 20/11/2021 18:23

You don’t just have a baby with someone though - the baby has you, two parents it is stuck with forever and will shape its world. Is this the sort of person you want to saddle a kid with as a father?

This is true too. To knowingly and deliberately give your child a horrible father is quite cruel and can potentially cause untold damage to the child that will impact their entire life. Don't saddle your child with that burden.

Kuachui · 20/11/2021 18:25

imagine how trapped youll feel if you also have a child with this man, you will never be able to get away from him and what if he uses the kid to abuse and control you or what if he abuses your child

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 20/11/2021 18:28

I would rather have a baby alone than with this guy. It’s only been a couple of years, if he’s actually your life partner then that could be another 40! Sounds awful.
You could use him as your sperm donor and then leave. At least you might get some child maintenance although sounds like you wouldn’t get much parenting help. Yes that’s possibly slightly immoral but only half of pregnancies are even planned so I wouldn’t lose much sleep over it.

IncompleteSenten · 20/11/2021 18:28

God can you imagine what an awful father he would be?
It would be better to leave him and look at sperm donation than to saddle a poor child with that for a father!

Animood · 20/11/2021 18:41

If I were you I'd leave and immediately get to a fertility clinic to start the process of having a child alone.

If you want a biological baby you need to act now.

Alternatively you could work towards adoption alone. You would need space and stability. Start research and applications as soon as you have your own home.

You can do it!

Also, take the rubbish out OP. You know where the door is.

fizzwhizz1 · 20/11/2021 18:46

sperm donor baby

Kennykenkencat · 20/11/2021 18:50

I've ruined his weekend he just wants a peaceful life

This says it all. You might think he wants children and he in his roundabout way thinks he wants children but this statement says it all.

Said in the spur of the moment he wants a quiet life and you don’t really have a quiet life with children.

I would leave and go it alone.

Have you thought that the anger, the stress, the unpredictability, and being responsible for everything isn’t doing you any good.

At least on your own and going down the sperm donor route you are going to end up doing less and being happier.

Don’t let the thought that most of the time you get on doesn’t cloud the fact that he is unpredictable and that sort of sudden outburst going from quiet to explosion doesn’t do anyone any good. Nor is waiting for the next outburst