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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this abusive or is it me???

54 replies

TakeMeAway82 · 20/11/2021 17:26

Where to start, the absolute main point here is that I am 40yrs old never had a child and desperately want a family and if I break up with my partner it's very unlikely I will have that.

So we get along well but whenever I bring up an issue he quickly turns to anger and shouts at me that I'm y'all he wants is to relax at the weekend and I ruin it'. We have been together 2 years and I've always seen him as emotionally immature and dont know how to handle issues with him cause in last relationships you talk it out or bicker but resolve it but he goes from 1 to 10 and makes me feel bad for ever having any issues. For e.g.. I've put on weight after 2 miscarriages in the last year and getting ready to go out I got upset and frustrated that I looked horrible, he did try initially for 2 mins by saying you look good but because I carried on venting my frustration that I'm working out everyday with no results he quickly he stopped listening and literally ignored me looking at his phone. I was so frustrated and asked him to at least act like he cared and that was it - he goes mental starts storming about that I've ruined his weekend he just wants a peaceful life blah blah getting aggressive and verbally abusive. I know it must be frustrating to want to chill out and your partner is upset but most adults accept this as part of a relationship and supporting their partner??? I have never had a relationship like this, he is so immature. I look after everything house wise - I work from home and he uses that against me constantly that he works harder than me so I do all household duties. He doesn't have to do anything! The house is clean and dinner on table when he gets home, but I get frustrated yes when he leaves mess for me to clean up and if I share mention it he goes mental and blamed me for causing problems and that he just wants to relax when he gets home from work.. ..

Anyway sorry for the ramble, if I was younger I would have left him by now but I want a child, never had one and as I said I'm 40. He wants one too because he thinks it will give his life a purpose - he can't give any good reason for having one other than that and I've tried to talk to him about how we would handle the stress of a baby but he literally won't talk about - I honestly swing between thinking he is autistic to just immature. If I leave him now the chances of me having s child are so unlikely and the upside is that life was difficult alone - I work from home so need a 2 bedroom place and it's a cobsysnt struggle and of course we get on when there aren't issues and I like the companionship. I feel so trapped. I know people will just say leave but then I'm alone and childless is that really better? I'm so sad at the thought of not having a baby 😔

OP posts:
TakeMeAway82 · 20/11/2021 19:00

Oh and sorry I said Autistic based on more than that, even spoke to him about his lack of empathy and lots if things like taking in monologues without being able to get a word in and obsessively reading things online etc there are lots of social cues that made me think autistic traits and he has agreed he has wondered that himself. His brother also comes across as a functioning autistic and his uncle us severely autistic and cared for. I know if that is the case I should be more empathetic but I'm not sure if that's true? He shows empathy when he's not under attack but if I share critise him then I'm a complete bitch and terrible person 😣

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 20/11/2021 19:10

Do NOT bring a child into this mess!

TakeMeAway82 · 20/11/2021 19:18

And also thank you all so much for such support. I honest thought I would be slated for being high maintenance or expecting too much or something. Even though I know in my heart this isn't I'm I can't believe this is happening to me. I would be the first person to say if your not happy or it's not working leave, but I never expected to he in this situation myself. We got together 2 months before lockdown and he pressure me into moving in with him. I had red flags majorly but it was honeymoon period and I gave in cause I like him and since then realised he did it because he needs someone to look after him. He admitted he has only spent 6 months of his life living alone even though he didn't love his partners he clearly felt the need to be looked after. I feel blindsided. He made out for months he like everything I did and I thought it was perfect but quickly he showed his real colours and we are so different - he wants a mother not a parent. Omg how is this happening to me??? How has my life ended up like this? I'm scared to leave because a year ago we had a big argument and I said I was leaving and he went into my work room and started throwing around all my business stock. He picked up my new £400 bike and threw it in the floor. I'm scared if I leave he will trash my business and leave me with nothing. I know most people in this situation would he advised to leave but I run my business from his home that I live in, if he breaks all my business stock he has ruined my life ' how can I leave? Aeghhh I don't know what to do? 😢😢😢😢

OP posts:
category12 · 20/11/2021 19:24

Secretly find yourself somewhere to live, rent yourself a lock-up, and then get friends/family or a man with a van to help you move everything for your business there one day.

category12 · 20/11/2021 19:25

Do it when he's out, or if he never goes anywhere, just do it and call the police if he starts breaking things/getting violent.

Fidgetty · 20/11/2021 19:43

Goodness he's worse than I thought. Consider it a stroke of luck that you haven't had a baby with this vile, abusive pig OP. Those violent outbursts would most certainly have escalated when his "quiet life" was disrupted by a screaming baby and his servant (you) could no longer attend to his every whim. He's the type to feel resentment towards his child as it would take attention from him.

You need to tell a friend/family member what's going on and get them to help you move. Wait until he's at work some day, pack all your stuff and get the hell out of there. Sorry you're going through this but don't allow yourself to be paralyzed in fear - you have to prioritise yourself and act. When you get away from him and get some perspective you'll be agog that you stayed so long. You can do it!

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 20/11/2021 19:52

@Fidgetty

I feel so trapped. I know people will just say leave but then I'm alone and childless is that really better?

Yes it absolutely is better. If you want to know what trapped really feels like then have a baby with this arsehole, watch him escalate his shitty behaviour while you struggle to keep your mental health intact while doing ALL the exhausting, tedious grunt work that goes with having children. He won't lift a finger. You'll be simmering with resentment but afraid to leave as you'll have to hand over your precious baby to him for access and you will have no control over how he chooses to parent (shittily I guarantee). Even the strongest relationships can seriously struggle with the addition of a newborn. You'd be literally insane to procreate with this man.

As scary as it might be I'd seriously consider having a baby on your own with donor sperv. As if you stay and have a child with him you'll end up as a single parent eventually anyway and at least this way it will be on your terms without having a horrible man ruining the experience for you.

Don't sell yourself so short OP, he'll drag you to the depths of despair and you deserve better. Best of luck Flowers

This. I am here, you really don't want to be. I'd go it alone in your situation. At least then you won't get eaten alive by resentment and then when you can't take anymore and split have to worry how he's treating your child when you're not there.
layladomino · 20/11/2021 20:16

Oh Op, it's even worse than your first post, and that was bad enough.

Wanting a child is not a reason to have one with an abusive man.
Being frightened of someone is not a reason to stay with them.

Please make plans to leave. This man is lazy, selfish, a bully, not interested in your needs or feelings, happy to watch you doing all the work, violent, he doesn't respect you.

You would feel trapped with him if you had a child. And the poor child would be trapped with an awful father.

You would be so much better off having a child alone - let's face it, he wouldn't be any use as a father so it would be like you're looking after 2 if you stayed with him, while you got more and more resentful.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 20/11/2021 20:18

I know most people in this situation would he advised to leave but I run my business from his home that I live in, if he breaks all my business stock he has ruined my life ' how can I leave? Aeghhh I don't know what to do? 😢😢😢😢

You rent a house or lock up, move all your business stuff out while he's at work, then tell him. The last can be in person but it sounds like it would be safer to contact him by phone or text from your new place.

TakeMeAway82 · 20/11/2021 21:18

It breaks my heart to get such sympathy when I felt like was going insane. I know this isnt normal but my age, we all wish for an amazing partner but that's never happened for me and I was happy to be alone - made Meetup groups and made life happen but how I feel like if u don't have a baby there is just no point. I know I am seeing him as a sperm donor. Omg what kind if person am i?? How I have become so desperate? Sorry this is shit 😊

OP posts:
Colourmeclear · 20/11/2021 21:24

If you have his child you will be permanently linked to this odious man. You would have to see him and try and co-parent presumably. He doesn't sound like a reasonable man who will put the needs of his child first.

A child has no say in its parentage or in to what circumstances it is born. You do and that's a huge responsibility and one we should all take very seriously when we have the choice.

category12 · 20/11/2021 21:32

You'd be far better going for an actual sperm donor, or some bloke you meet in a bar and never see again, than this bloke.

Think about the child - a father like him would be horrendous. It's not just about what you want.

TakeMeAway82 · 20/11/2021 21:39

Buy the reality of the situation is thinking at 40 years old is that i will be a good enough parent for both of us, he will have access. I'm shit at being present here but I've read so many posts about having children with someone you don't love and never regretting it against never having children. I know he will basically be a sperm donor but I will give them the best life I can

OP posts:
category12 · 20/11/2021 21:43

Except this is a man you say is abusive. So you will be deliberately giving a child an abusive parent.

Newmum29 · 20/11/2021 21:53

You can’t have a child with him. It’s inhuman to consider putting a baby in the situation where they may be harmed. He’s aggressive and it’s one step from damaging property to damaging a defenceless child. Do not even consider it.

Suzi888 · 20/11/2021 21:57

But if you stay he’s going to be even worse than he is now.
He sounds horrible, selfish, a fair whether partner, he can’t deal with reality.
I would leave, he’s not going to be a good dad is he? Does he even want children Hmm

TakeMeAway82 · 20/11/2021 21:59

Sorry my previous response wasn't very thought out, I've had a couple of wines for the first time I ages he's accepted me having a couple of hours to myself. How bad had life got when the only way I dare say what I think is here? I miss my friends down south. I miss my life. I'm scared, I've had 2 miscarriages in 12 months. We both know we dont love each other but there is an understanding that we both want this.

OP posts:
TakeMeAway82 · 20/11/2021 22:03

Thank you so much for making me feel like I'm not mental and his is abusive thank you so much I feel like I'm losing my mind 😢 how has this become my life 😢😢

OP posts:
category12 · 20/11/2021 22:09

Just pack up and go back south.

Ohpulltheotherone · 20/11/2021 22:09

The biggest question for me is

Why would you give your child a father that you openly admit under other circumstances, you’d not be with.

????

What you Are doing here is looking at it only
As YOU wanting a baby. Well that baby is going to grow up and have to live with the reality that you’re currently ignoring and downplaying.

In my opinion that is the height of selfishness.

If you want a baby, leave this man, go it alone. Clinics will treat you well over 40. You may not even need a clinch. Research donors and use a turkey baster.

Surely it’s better to raise a child in a stable and happy single parent home than a volatile, unhappy, resentment environment with two parents?

I think you either have marriage counselling and work on your issues or you call it a day and go it alone on your own terms

Embracelife · 20/11/2021 22:13

You re scared to leave
Because he will smash your things?

All the more reason to get out and fast

GroggyLegs · 20/11/2021 22:19

Kids are both amazing & draining & annoying.
If he breaks things & shouts at you, he will break your child's things & shout at your child.

If you use him as a sperm donor, he will have access to your child without you there & you won't be able to protect them.

As others have said, arrange for a friend/family to come up & be present while you move your stuff out of this blokes house and RUN.

JamieNorthlife · 20/11/2021 22:27

We both know we dont love each other but there is an understanding that we both want this.

You don't owe him anything, you can leave, move back near your friends and family, sort out your situation and do ivf, sperm donor...

Anybridget7 · 20/11/2021 22:34

If rather pay for a sperm donor and do it alone than be with this man.

smellyolebum · 20/11/2021 22:34

Mate, he is a shit, you don't need him for a baby dad - try another way Flowers