Does casual ever become serious?

[Leonardo87]

I am 34/F
All friends are married or in LTR - Feel they are not interested in dating ‘drama’ and cannot speak to them about this - I also feel I am a joke to them because they are so settled and I am still using dating apps - so you ladies are getting it.

Anyway I use OLD to try and meet people. More and more I have realised alot of men (not all) are looking for casual. A refreshing minority of these guys are fairly obvious with their attraction to me and sometimes I think ‘sod it’ ‘what would I have to loose’?

I have never knowingly had a hook or or FWB situation, but last year I did meet someone who rushed me and I ended up being in one. What hurt was that he pretended to want a relationship and really liked me - and it became painfully obvious and the weeks developed he was a player who could not give a shit.

A couple of them I have met more recently have been fairly obvious with their animal instincts towards me, and although they are clearly looking for sex, they are fairly respectful in discussing this beforehand - pointing this out and making sure I am aware ‘to not waste time’. I have found this genre of Man easier to get to know and far more open and honest.

My question is - has anyone ever knowingly engaged with one of these casual situations and ended up a few months down the line as either good friends or in a relationship? Or does it always always crash and burn?

The ones who pretend to want a relationship are horrific and I want NOTHING to do with them once its clear they are being sleazy. Blocked and delete.

However the casual camp always seem a bit more… honest?

Ultimately I would want a LTR and to settle down - but I am really not getting very far when I tell guys this. I think its partly to do with many Men in tjeir 30s who have wanted to settle and have children are currently doing it. I know there are exceptions. This is not a man hating post!

I think it’s unlikely but I’m sure it’s not unheard of.
There is a third option though - there are single men out there who are looking for a LTR too.
Quite often divorcees I found! Men who are emotionally well balanced, mature and who already know that they want a life partner, but made a mistake in marrying the wrong woman first time. Don’t give up!

I don’t know anyone who’s started off in a (deliberately) casual relationship and it’s become serious. I do know one or two who thought they were having a one night stand and are now married, but that’s a bit different. A sort of happy accident rather than deliberately setting out to get one thing and getting another.

If you think about it you’re asking whether you should not believe men about what they say they want.

I know MANY women (and some men) who’ve been hurt to find out that the person who says they only want a casual thing only, in fact, wants a casual thing. It’s like they they their magic penis/vagina/personality can change someone’s mind. I guess it is possible but it’s really unlikely because people who don’t want relationships usually feel that way for a reason.

I agree with you regarding divorcees.
Men who have never married no children aged 38/39 have to be the worst genre for me at the moment - they say it like it is a flex. That is my expierence and I am not saying it is all of them by any means.

They think their*

I think it's silly to fish in the "casual only" pond if you really want something serious.

It's not very honest of you to go in hoping you can change someone's mind about what they're looking for, and pretending, is it?

It’s a bold move but have you thought about saying what you’re after on your profile: “looking for LTR with the right person” or something?

It happened to my dad when I was younger (He was single dad in his 30’s). He was seeing a woman casually and then he seen her with another Man in the pub 🥺 He was so upset. God love him 🥺

True.

Yes - I have on both of my profiles ‘If you are looking for casual or hookup, I politely ask you swipe left. No judgement’.

I think this is all a bit of a red herring, if that’s not rude to say. It sounds like you got hurt by a man who claimed to want a relationship and turned out to be a dick.

I’d suggest that you need to persist with men who say they want a relationship but get a better dickhead detector/shark cage.

I was FWBs with now-fiancé for over two and a half years before we got together. But the difference is we were both happy with the original arrangement and neither of us were hoping or expecting for it to take a different direction. There’s no way I’d have hung around if what I actually wanted was a relationship, and it’s not going to work out well for you if you knowingly start something with somebody who’s been quite clear they aren’t looking for commitment, hoping that that will change.

Dating is a numbers game. There are plenty of men looking for a LTR (I find it a bit of a parallel universe, to be honest, when women say they can’t find men wanting more than FWB, because whenever I’ve been looking for FWB I’ve only been able to find men who wanted something serious leading to a family and constantly having to break things off with them), but often when men say they aren’t looking for a LTR they just mean they aren’t looking for one with you - at which point it’s thank-you, next and move on. It’s disheartening, yes, but it’s a time thing really.

@ComtesseDeSpair

I was FWBs with now-fiancé for over two and a half years before we got together. But the difference is we were both happy with the original arrangement and neither of us were hoping or expecting for it to take a different direction. There’s no way I’d have hung around if what I actually wanted was a relationship, and it’s not going to work out well for you if you knowingly start something with somebody who’s been quite clear they aren’t looking for commitment, hoping that that will change.

Dating is a numbers game. There are plenty of men looking for a LTR (I find it a bit of a parallel universe, to be honest, when women say they can’t find men wanting more than FWB, because whenever I’ve been looking for FWB I’ve only been able to find men who wanted something serious leading to a family and constantly having to break things off with them), but often when men say they aren’t looking for a LTR they just mean they aren’t looking for one with you - at which point it’s thank-you, next and move on. It’s disheartening, yes, but it’s a time thing really.

I have to say I have also noticed then - when I have been fresh out of LTRs is when I seem to attract really keen guys who phone / text constantly wanting to lock down! And now it is the opposite 😂 so weird! X

I actually know a few couples who went from FWB to LTR, plus an absolute boatload of people who thought they were having a one-night stand and then found themselves with the same person 10 years later (including myself). But I don't think any of them were intentional - ie, I don't think you can go into an agreed FWB situation and deliberately transform it into a LTR. That seems like it'd be destined to fail.

I'd definitely recommend random hook-ups and FWBs if that's what you want for yourself. If you think a guy is hot and just want to shag him. That's fine, it passes the time nicely. I don't think criticising men for "just wanting one thing" makes sense because there have been plenty of times I've only wanted one thing from them! But if that's not up your street I wouldn't go into one hoping for more.

How pressing is it for you to have a child?

You may or may not meet someone suitable in time to have a family...have you considered taking some preliminary fertility checks so that you know where you stand?

Do you have a back up plan? If by X age I haven't met someone, I'd be willing to consider going down the sperm donor route, for example?

You may end up wasting your remaining fertile years on dating/men who aren't suitable only to find yourself out of options.

Meeting someone can happen at any time/moment, but fertility is finite/time-sensitive.

It's hard when those around you don't understand how hard it can be to meet a partner at this age, but you need to take ownership of the situation especially if trying to have children is paramount to you.

What @FoxgloveSummers said! I'm in app-land too and have it super clear on my profile about what I want. Yes I get significantly fewer matches than my previous vague profile, but to be honest filtering the wheat from the chaff seems to be working. I also only use Hinge as there seems to be a higher quality of men looking for something serious over Tinder.

I used this prompt as part of my profile:

Something you should know about me...

"Looking for someone to build a life with / dance on tables at aprés with me at least once a year until we die. Casual situationships just aren't my thing."

For all the other question prompts I've kept my answers very light, playful. I also ticked the "want children" box.

If a guy I was dating ignored all that and still said he wasn't sure about what he wanted in terms of future, I would respond with: "That's fine, but I do know what I want and you're not going to waste my time while you figure your stuff out," then I'd end it. I think having this mindset also helps immediately walk away from those types of indecisive blokes.

I'd also suggest stop going on dates with men who hint at casual, "let's see how it goes", "doesn't take life to seriously" on their profiles.

Your time is valuable!

@Anthurium

How pressing is it for you to have a child?

You may or may not meet someone suitable in time to have a family...have you considered taking some preliminary fertility checks so that you know where you stand?

Do you have a back up plan? If by X age I haven't met someone, I'd be willing to consider going down the sperm donor route, for example?

You may end up wasting your remaining fertile years on dating/men who aren't suitable only to find yourself out of options.

Meeting someone can happen at any time/moment, but fertility is finite/time-sensitive.

It's hard when those around you don't understand how hard it can be to meet a partner at this age, but you need to take ownership of the situation especially if trying to have children is paramount to you.

I can assure you - I already have. Last year when I was noticing this trend I attended fertility doctors - all tests including AMH and USS reassuring for fertility.

It is very pressing for me to have a family, but it breaks my heart that there have been no long term options for the past couple of years. Pandemic has not helped.

I have tried OLD, therapy, joined a dating agency, go to gym every day, have asked friends to keep an eye out. I have managed to get into a couple of relationships since my LTP and I split when I was 31 but both ended.

I have reflected fully on what I do wrong to contribute to the end of relationships also and take ownership and I also ask friends. All of them recon I have been really unlucky and there is not much more I can do. They never think it is anything to do with me.

It makes me feel very sad and depressed that I may not meet someone to have a child organically on my timeline but I have already came to terms with this last year. It breaks my heart every time I search for a partner only to be met with this that I feel like giving up and just accepting the situation and having ‘casual’ partners and a baby on my own, as I feel like I am wasting my time putting myself out there again and again, only to meet a clown, someone who is a liar or who is not attracted to me for whatever reason.

My friends in relationships have no idea what it feels like to sit again for another weekend thinking about what options I have going forward.

I have a stable income, good job, own flat and car and look after myself. I have no idea what more I can do.

I feel like I have wasted so much time with men who have told me they want ‘relationships’, just for them to end up have lied or wasted my time and found out after six to twelve months that I am really thinking of just having casual affairs from now on and being a SMBC (single mother by choice)

My sister knows two girls my age in the same situation and she said you could copy and paste all the expierences as they are the same.

I'm afraid every casual relationship I've known about, never turned serious and have ended badly for one or both parties. One did end in a long marriage but it was toxic and abusive (by the wife towards the husband) and an acrimonious divorce.
I agree that you have to be clear from the start what you are looking for and go for it.

I hate to sound like a debbie downer here but if I honestly say how I feel - My dream was always to be a mother organically and I feel so so sad that its slipping away from me. I sometimes just cry at night all night and sometimes at work I can barely concentrate thinking about it. I am crying full tears just typing this. At this point it is less to do with the relationships as I appreciate that not everyone will click with everyone, but I just feel utterly humiliated.

I also appreciate I cannot go on one date and expect them to be able to decide they want to have your children etc and a relationship takes time to grow.

My Hinge profile has ‘wants children’ and also seems serious.

Essentially I just feel defeated. Like what is the point in even trying anymore to get into a long term thing? I clearly do something that repulses suitable Men or I would not be in this situation, so I feel like just waving the flag of defeat - starting to sleep around and just accept it.

Wow. What an offload.

Maybe decide something like you will go ahead with donor sperm or something in, say, 2 years time, as you sound like you're in a good position to be a single mum?

I know it's not how you want to do it, but the feeling of time running out can't help your search and might make you settle for someone a bit crap. Maybe if you take the heat off finding someone and have a definite plan, you'll at least stop spiralling into despair and be happier and actually in a better place to start a relationship?

And then if you have your family on your own, if a bloke comes along after, then it's a bonus?

@category12

Maybe decide something like you will go ahead with donor sperm or something in, say, 2 years time, as you sound like you're in a good position to be a single mum?

I know it's not how you want to do it, but the feeling of time running out can't help your search and might make you settle for someone a bit crap. Maybe if you take the heat off finding someone and have a definite plan, you'll at least stop spiralling into despair and be happier and actually in a better place to start a relationship?

And then if you have your family on your own, if a bloke comes along after, then it's a bonus?

Well yeah - that really is my plan. I did say I would do it when I was 35, but I think 37 now.

This is why I am starting to edge towards more casual relationships, as I have had the piss taken right out me but going with the ‘relationship’ guys who have used my want to settle down and really taken the piss.

I feel like if I start dating guys who say they want casual in the beginning then at least it is safer as I feel they say to me they want a relationship just to get some action / a bangmaid / food / nice flat in nice part of the city etc - so at least I feel more on control.

I can assure everyone I have tried every vetting process over the past 3 years possible - but they still slip through and I have to dump them. One was so convincing that my friends could not believe when we found out he was cheating on me. It has been a shitshow for me

@Leonardo87

"I can assure you - I already have.
Last year when I was noticing this trend I attended fertility doctors - all tests including AMH and USS reassuring for fertility.

It is very pressing for me to have a family, but it breaks my heart that there have been no long term options for the past couple of years. Pandemic has not helped.

I have tried OLD, therapy, joined a dating agency, go to gym every day, have asked friends to keep an eye out. I have managed to get into a couple of relationships since my LTP and I split when I was 31 but both ended.

I have reflected fully on what I do wrong to contribute to the end of relationships also and take ownership and I also ask friends. All of them recon I have been really unlucky and there is not much more I can do. They never think it is anything to do with me.

It makes me feel very sad and depressed that I may not meet someone to have a child organically on my timeline but I have already came to terms with this last year. It breaks my heart every time I search for a partner only to be met with this that I feel like giving up and just accepting the situation and having ‘casual’ partners and a baby on my own, as I feel like I am wasting my time putting myself out there again and again, only to meet a clown, someone who is a liar or who is not attracted to me for whatever reason.

My friends in relationships have no idea what it feels like to sit again for another weekend thinking about what options I have going forward.

I have a stable income, good job, own flat and car and look after myself. I have no idea what more I can do.

I feel like I have wasted so much time with men who have told me they want ‘relationships’, just for them to end up have lied or wasted my time and found out after six to twelve months that I am really thinking of just having casual affairs from now on and being a SMBC (single mother by choice)

My sister knows two girls my age in the same situation and she said you could copy and paste all the expierences as they are the same."

That's great Op, you've been proactive!
As I'm sure you've been told/explained at the fertility clinic, the option of egg freezing is best done when the woman is younger (under 35) so that could be something to look in to?

In my opinion, relationships happen as a result not luck/timing. Most didn't meet their partners on apps but through a more organic development such as school/college/university/work/friends...

I don't want to derail your thread, but I'm a SMBC currently 36 weeks pregnant via IVF and a sperm donor. I began my treatment aged 39 - I wish I'd started earlier and I've been really fortunate that I conceived on my first fresh cycle (you never know how you will respond to treatment until you start trying - but circumstances didn't allow me as well as being caught up in a 'situationship' with a FWB for almost 2 years! So, I understand where you're coming from. If you'd like more specific info about my journey, PM I'd be happy to answer!

OP.

Yes it does sometimes work out. I started using dating sites about 10 years ago. 1st time sorta got into older guy/younger women thing but that passed quickly.
I then met Wife. Online, 1st date and went to hers and didn’t really leave. Beautiful daughter is nearly 7.

Skip forward, we’re separated but share everything.

Met someone else online, chatted for a couple of hours and then a 2am meet.

We’re now 4 months in and absolutely adoring each other.

OLD does work. Don’t give up.

Me and my DH were casual to start off with, but it was me insisting it was casual. He wanted more but I held him off for a few months to make sure he wasn't an asshole. Don't know if that counts?

Of course it happens but it’s silly to go into it hoping it will, Ive had FWB and it’s never gone into anything more even when I developed feelings they made it clear they weren’t interested in long term so whilst it does happen I think it’s less common and I wouldn’t personally do FWB again

Been in your shoes OP and I stuck to my guns with wanting the real deal. I met him when I was 37 & we’ve just started trying for our first baby. These men do exist.

I find it interesting you find the casual men appealing because of their honesty but if you went in with a LTR in mind that’s quite dishonest when they are being so clear about what they don’t want.