Does casual ever become serious?

[Leonardo87]

I am 34/F
All friends are married or in LTR - Feel they are not interested in dating ‘drama’ and cannot speak to them about this - I also feel I am a joke to them because they are so settled and I am still using dating apps - so you ladies are getting it.

Anyway I use OLD to try and meet people. More and more I have realised alot of men (not all) are looking for casual. A refreshing minority of these guys are fairly obvious with their attraction to me and sometimes I think ‘sod it’ ‘what would I have to loose’?

I have never knowingly had a hook or or FWB situation, but last year I did meet someone who rushed me and I ended up being in one. What hurt was that he pretended to want a relationship and really liked me - and it became painfully obvious and the weeks developed he was a player who could not give a shit.

A couple of them I have met more recently have been fairly obvious with their animal instincts towards me, and although they are clearly looking for sex, they are fairly respectful in discussing this beforehand - pointing this out and making sure I am aware ‘to not waste time’. I have found this genre of Man easier to get to know and far more open and honest.

My question is - has anyone ever knowingly engaged with one of these casual situations and ended up a few months down the line as either good friends or in a relationship? Or does it always always crash and burn?

The ones who pretend to want a relationship are horrific and I want NOTHING to do with them once its clear they are being sleazy. Blocked and delete.

However the casual camp always seem a bit more… honest?

Ultimately I would want a LTR and to settle down - but I am really not getting very far when I tell guys this. I think its partly to do with many Men in tjeir 30s who have wanted to settle and have children are currently doing it. I know there are exceptions. This is not a man hating post!

To be honest I have kinda given up hope entirely at this stage and just wondered if FWB would be better than tryung to have relationships with liars. At least the FWB would be being honest about not seeing me as anything more.

@GroovesintheHeart

Been in your shoes OP and I stuck to my guns with wanting the real deal. I met him when I was 37 & we’ve just started trying for our first baby. These men do exist.

I find it interesting you find the casual men appealing because of their honesty but if you went in with a LTR in mind that’s quite dishonest when they are being so clear about what they don’t want.

I explain to them I am not looking for FWB or hookups and have never had a one night stand etc and I am not looking for casual but we can be friends whatever. I just find they are easier to speak to and stuff, they actually message more than ‘relationship’ guys

Have you tried a proper ' Matchmaker ' type arrangement where people pay good money to be matched with someone looking for same things in life. So a real person putting profiles together, not an algorithm.

@user1495741271

OP.

Yes it does sometimes work out. I started using dating sites about 10 years ago. 1st time sorta got into older guy/younger women thing but that passed quickly.
I then met Wife. Online, 1st date and went to hers and didn’t really leave. Beautiful daughter is nearly 7.

Skip forward, we’re separated but share everything.

Met someone else online, chatted for a couple of hours and then a 2am meet.

We’re now 4 months in and absolutely adoring each other.

OLD does work. Don’t give up.

This is lovely to hear - glad it worked out for you! Hopefully your new relationship will continue to blossom and it is amazing to hear from mans perpective x

@vdbfamily

Have you tried a proper ' Matchmaker ' type arrangement where people pay good money to be matched with someone looking for same things in life. So a real person putting profiles together, not an algorithm.

Yes. I paid A LOT of money back in the Summer for this and I am still on their books. They seemed very professional but have yet to find me a match. They have apologised lots and have been great. They are extending my membership - citing COVID as one of the reasons for lack of people. So when I say I have tried everything, I really have. There is nothing more I can do.

I also try making eye contact with guys at coffee shops, bars and the gym.

I dont think aiming for fwb purely because they aren't bullshitting is a good idea as its a bit of an own goal. They're being honest but the end result is basically the same (most times, people know what they want). With the relationship blokes...how do you vet them? Do you have a list of deal breakers? Do you ever overlook red flags? I know dating these days can be an absolute bitch, so even with the best approach you can still end up in rubbish situations.

I just know for myself quite a brutal approach paid off. 3 years dating, took 6 months off and then I was really strategic. I didnt meet 90% of people. Recently broke up with someone? Nope. Never had a LTR? Nope. Still negotiating childcare with your ex? Nope. Values at odds with mine And? Nope. And so on. Of course some of these men might have been great and I made some text pen pals but they weren't for me. Not sure if this helps

Same @supercali77. I took a break from OLD then rejoined and was ruthless. First date… there he was.

My partner took about 6 months to concede we were actually in a relationship. So I guess it was pretty casual until then? Few years on and we own a house and a dog.

But it always felt like a relationship and neither of us were seeing/talking to anyone else.

Not sure I would take the risk, they've said casual so that also means you have to be guarded and not let your feelings for them develop, so how would you trust them if you thought it was going somewhere.
Having said that there are men that lie about wanting a relationship just to sleep with you, it's happened to me a few times.
I guess go with the flow but be careful.

@samesign

Not sure I would take the risk, they've said casual so that also means you have to be guarded and not let your feelings for them develop, so how would you trust them if you thought it was going somewhere. Having said that there are men that lie about wanting a relationship just to sleep with you, it's happened to me a few times. I guess go with the flow but be careful.

Yes I have had it a couple of times. One was so sexually cohersive in hindsight I got him banned from Bumble 😂🤣 and he had ‘relationship’ on his profile.