Splitting up but DH won’t discuss it

[Itslaterthanyouthink]

Been with my husband for nearly 20 years and married five. His job means he’s away as much as he’s home so we lead pretty independent lives.

The relationship has never been true love but more that we both got friendship, companionship and sex. I don’t think either of us is in love with other, it’s just mutually beneficial.
I am now at the point where I can’t be bothered with it and I am finding him massively irritating. I think we should go our separate ways whilst we can.

I told him this and obviously we had a row and he said fine and cancelled all our social things we were doing including the possibility of spending Christmas together (he’s working most of it and I was thinking about visiting family I’ve not seen all year). Heard nothing for 10 days as he was away again. I then get a call to chat about how the weeks been with no mention of the split.

I told him we needed to talk and we had an open conversation a couple of days later. He said he didn’t want to split up and he only cancelled everything as a first reaction in shock. He didn’t however ask to do Christmas together.I gave my reasons for splitting up ( not getting any younger, not depending time together, future plans never discussed).I said if he would pay for the divorce I would just walk away. We have no joint money property or children. He got cross and said fine whatever you want. I said there are two of us in this he should think about it since this is the first time divorce has been mentioned and let me know his thoughts once he had processed them.

So it’s another week and not seen or heard from him. No idea what to do. He’s clearly just going to go along with anything I if I get in touch. Is that ok or better to let him have a say and wait until he gets in touch. There’s no real rush. The fact he appears indifferent demonstrates the problem.

I’ve booked Christmas to see family now. He has a birthday coming up. Buy a gift as normal or not bother? Do I tell everyone before Christmas so they don’t waste money on cards/ presents or just let it go until the New Year so it’s not all drama drama?

I’d just leave it now. You’ve made your position clear. Go see a solicitor and get the ball rolling. Start to move on. It doesn’t sound like much of a relationship really does it!

There’s nothing to discuss though. You’ve told him it’s over so start behaving like it’s over. See a solicitor, stop worrying about his birthday or Christmas. Doesn’t seem like there’s much to untangle really.

You don’t need his permission get ball rolling or him to agree. He could in theory not agree divource straight away but more likley head in sand approach and he be happy enough to sign if someone else does the work.

I would tell close family friends for some support doesn’t need to be drama. He works away you have grown apart nothing very exciting has happened, they may want still send a gift or not but least they have option.
The more people know the more real is it to both of you.

I wouldn’t send birthday gifts it’s not something you will do once live apart as his Ex. Wish him happy birthday by all means. Once you had legal advice you can update him on what’s next but dont give him power that you are waiting for him to give you permission or keep asking about his wishes.

Just get on with it. You want a divorce so start the process. You don't need him to take the first step (and if that's what you're expecting its a bit unreasonable since you've said you want a divorce and he's said he doesn't!)

No joint assets or kids, sounds nice and simple.

Not sure why you're put out that he hasn't shown enthusiasm about spending Christmas with you. You told him you didn't want to be with him any more, what did you expect? Were you hoping he would step up and profess his undying love?

Just do what you'd like to do.
Visit family on the days it suits you to visit them.
If he's at home when you're home, accept it.

He is probably stalling now.

The silent treatment is the tool of the defensive person who knows that an open direct honest reasonable conversation will weaken their position.

What is it you want to discuss?

You told him you wanted to split. During the 2nd converstation you reiterated you want to split, he doesn't.

But you want it so it's happening. Forget Christmas and his birthday just go do what you are planning on doing and start the divorce

Not sure why you're put out that he hasn't shown enthusiasm about spending Christmas with you. You told him you didn't want to be with him any more, what did you expect? Were you hoping he would step up and profess his undying love?

Agree. You've said yourself that the marriage is one of convenience. Why are you upset about Christmas? You want to end things so end it. Seems like you don't have a lot to untangle so just get to it. Why are you waiting for him to pay for it when you are the one wanting to split?

You've told him what you want, but I'm a bit confused by your offer to him to essentially ''go away and think about it, then tell me what you think''

Is there any doubt in your mind that you want a divorce ? If there's not, then why on earth confuse him with the ''go and think about it'' speech ? Because it doesn't matter what he 'thinks about it', does it ?

If divorce is what you want, then get the ball rolling and start divorce proceedings. You can tell your family/friends that you have 'separated' and will be getting divorced (hopefully) amicably.

Just don't expect any deep and meaningful 'discussions' to happen with your H, because he's probably been hit hard if your divorce speech hit him as a 'bolt from the blue' if he'd no idea you were even unhappy.

There’s no need to wait for him to get in touch. Get the ball rolling and speak to a solicitor to file the papers. If you’re waiting for him to do it and pay you’ll be waiting years as he doesn’t want it. It’s your decision so you action it. Like you said no children, no money or house etc will be pretty straightforward.

It’s good to get some consensus.

I only mentioned Christmas because he did. He’s madly keen on Christmas. It’s is one of those times we always do together. We visit his family or mine for a few nights as they live miles away and get a nice AirBNB and have a great time.That’s all really. We were a bit stuck about what to do this year as he’s working. I would have gone to see family earlier in the week and spent the day with him and a few friends. Both of us wanted to host though so I think he saw the split conversation as a good chance to get the Christmas he wanted. It’s fine but it doesn’t chime with his “I want to stay together” when he’s not that interested.

I physically don’t have the money to pay for a divorce (£600). As I said our finances are separate. So he’d have to apply. He’s loaded so it’s not an issue.

@updownroundandround

You've told him what you want, but I'm a bit confused by your offer to him to essentially ''go away and think about it, then tell me what you think''

Is there any doubt in your mind that you want a divorce ? If there's not, then why on earth confuse him with the ''go and think about it'' speech ? Because it doesn't matter what he 'thinks about it', does it ?

If divorce is what you want, then get the ball rolling and start divorce proceedings. You can tell your family/friends that you have 'separated' and will be getting divorced (hopefully) amicably.

Just don't expect any deep and meaningful 'discussions' to happen with your H, because he's probably been hit hard if your divorce speech hit him as a 'bolt from the blue' if he'd no idea you were even unhappy.

I just thought if we were discussing splitting up he needed to be part of the conversation. Don’t people normally talk about stuff like this first?

The idea that he had “no idea I was unhappy” is probably the bit I’m fed up with. But you’re right. It’s just time to move on.

@Itslaterthanyouthink

It’s good to get some consensus.

I only mentioned Christmas because he did. He’s madly keen on Christmas. It’s is one of those times we always do together. We visit his family or mine for a few nights as they live miles away and get a nice AirBNB and have a great time.That’s all really. We were a bit stuck about what to do this year as he’s working. I would have gone to see family earlier in the week and spent the day with him and a few friends. Both of us wanted to host though so I think he saw the split conversation as a good chance to get the Christmas he wanted. It’s fine but it doesn’t chime with his “I want to stay together” when he’s not that interested.

I physically don’t have the money to pay for a divorce (£600). As I said our finances are separate. So he’d have to apply. He’s loaded so it’s not an issue.

But you told him you want to split. So whatever you do other years isn't applicable.

Why are you so willing to walk away with nothing. A judge may nor even sign off on that if he is loaded.

Also if he is loaded, how come there's nothing after a very long relationship and then marriage?

I get it there’s still tiny pat of you would like him make effort or least find out why you are so unhappy that’s normal. Doesn't mean that getting divorce isn’t the right thing for you.

I wouldn’t be to quick to agree to walking away with nothing as no kids or home. If he is loaded and you can’t even find £600 over next few months something wrong there. You have been together for 20years legally everything you have is divided even if you have never mixed money before (sounds a disaster to be honest when so uneven)

Practically you still need walk away with least enough for a deposit and few months rent and to furnish a home. If you don’t even have £600 what’s plan? If I was home I’d be quickly offering pay £600 to get off extremely lightly.

I think you could probably get a free initial consultation with a solicitor/ legal aid / legal fees paid out of final settlement so lack of money shouldn’t be a barrier?

How come he's loaded and you can't afford £600 for a divorce?

Borrow the money and apply, and ask the court to award you costs at the end.

If he's loaded shouldn't there be property or assets after 2 years of marriage?

20** years I meant

You need to see a solicitor. Assets will be split in a divorce - the way you have split them now may not be the way they end up being split when you divorce, a judge will not let one party end up broke and another loaded especially after a 20 year marriage.

So just because you think you have 'no joint assets' actually all your assets are joint because you are married. Financially it will not be fair for him to be sorted and you to have £600 to your name.

You need legal advice and to appreciate that he is not your friend. After all, if he was your friend, you wouldn't want to divorce him.

Re the assets it’s completely fair that I just walk away. I gave up nothing to be with him. Nothing changed financially fir either of us when I married him except he’d give me a bit of money if I needed it and he’d pay for anything we did together. I don’t think it’s fair to take any of his assets, I’ve done nothing to earn them.

I’m on a fairly average wage, I really don’t have £600 the month before Christmas especially now I’ve got to pay to go away without him.

He’s not my friend but he’s not the enemy. It’s just a pointless relationship and we’d both be better off out if it.

Have you been contributing to the mortgage of a home he owns?

You have separated so might as well tell your family and friends. Don't buy him a birthday gift, start behaving as an ex partner who doesn't want/need contact with their ex. Get a solicitor and find out what the split of assets would look like.

It may feel like a pointless relationship but perhaps you'll miss him when he's gone. 20 years ain't nothing.

I don't understand this.
You are the one who wants to divorce. But yet you say "I said there are two of us in this he should think about it since this is the first time divorce has been mentioned and let me know his thoughts once he had processed them."
There aren't 'two of you in this'. It's your decision to leave.
Why are you interested in his thoughts?
I think you may be looking for a reaction from him rather than actually wanting to leave.
Is it a behavioural stunt of sorts?
Have you gone to a solicitor to seek legal advice? If the answer is no well then how serious are you about getting a divorce.
You seem to be wanting to make it his fault. He should 'pay' for the divorce because he's making you do it (from your perspective).
If you actually wanted to leave why haven't you then?

The reason why she saying for him to pay for divorce is because she can’t afford few hundred pounds before Xmas. Which must mean she has no savings and therefore lives very modestly month to month. Not because his fault he seems to be quite wealthy.

I understand the not wanting to “take every penny” even if legally you could. But if my husband had savings of say £50k plus house there must be some balance so you least can set yourself up for the future. He’d still be getting a very good deal of you left with £10k

Do you pay rent on your share of mortgage? If you don’t and you still have zero savings not sure how you will manage when you will have pay hundreds a month in rent. If you did again you have claim on same of that asset over course of 20years

Hello. I've recently been through this with my children's dad and I'm now in a relationship with someone else but It took so so long for him to acknowledge our situation and it made it so hard for me. We spoke about it then a month later I had to remind him, then another month after again and each time he would argue it. Say we could get back on track one day. We hadn't had sex for 2 years at this point and I was honestly alone and needed someone to be close to.

He wouldn't tell his family. So I told mine. He continued to pay for stuff and would not move out or make any suggestions how I could move out. He got gloomy and teary with every chat and I felt horrible. Went through all the emotions under the sun. Wanted him to storm out with a bag. Wanted him to man up and deal with it. I worried I was not doing the right thing.

It felt like I kept trying and every attempt I was thrown back to the start and told to try again. People would say talk to him. I had. I had talked to him so many times.

I just wanted to say I understand how frustrated you are. It's not easy when you are not on the same page.