Splitting up but DH won’t discuss it

[Itslaterthanyouthink]

Been with my husband for nearly 20 years and married five. His job means he’s away as much as he’s home so we lead pretty independent lives.

The relationship has never been true love but more that we both got friendship, companionship and sex. I don’t think either of us is in love with other, it’s just mutually beneficial.
I am now at the point where I can’t be bothered with it and I am finding him massively irritating. I think we should go our separate ways whilst we can.

I told him this and obviously we had a row and he said fine and cancelled all our social things we were doing including the possibility of spending Christmas together (he’s working most of it and I was thinking about visiting family I’ve not seen all year). Heard nothing for 10 days as he was away again. I then get a call to chat about how the weeks been with no mention of the split.

I told him we needed to talk and we had an open conversation a couple of days later. He said he didn’t want to split up and he only cancelled everything as a first reaction in shock. He didn’t however ask to do Christmas together.I gave my reasons for splitting up ( not getting any younger, not depending time together, future plans never discussed).I said if he would pay for the divorce I would just walk away. We have no joint money property or children. He got cross and said fine whatever you want. I said there are two of us in this he should think about it since this is the first time divorce has been mentioned and let me know his thoughts once he had processed them.

So it’s another week and not seen or heard from him. No idea what to do. He’s clearly just going to go along with anything I if I get in touch. Is that ok or better to let him have a say and wait until he gets in touch. There’s no real rush. The fact he appears indifferent demonstrates the problem.

I’ve booked Christmas to see family now. He has a birthday coming up. Buy a gift as normal or not bother? Do I tell everyone before Christmas so they don’t waste money on cards/ presents or just let it go until the New Year so it’s not all drama drama?

Saltandpepper8 Thank you so so much. That’s it exactly. It’s such a relief that someone understands finally.

Clearly it’s much easier to split up when one party has done something terrible rather than just wanting out. It’s been 20 years, it’s a long time.

I have my own place, I earn my own money and I look after my own finances. I just don’t earn enough to pay for the actual divorce papers. He doesn’t owe me anything financially as I gave nothing up.

Absolutely. We just became boring and lifeless together. To be honest we never had that passion for eachother and sex was never good or exciting. But also he was a lovely kind man but had no confidence to lead anything. He didn't have that masculine side to him that I'd be surrounded by growing up. The men I was used to did gardening and painting and tip rums and built ponds and kept up with maintenance. He was very much a watch tele and moan he was tired. He works very hard on an ICT job and earns good money but I couldn't see our home ever being nice or our garden. I was juggling two kids and his company was getting more and more boring. I was sat alone every night and no sex. Didn't share a bed. I remember I never could listen to him talking to because he went on and on and seemed to only have stories from work or when he was 17 working at macdonalds lol!!

I never had an affair but I knew the relationship needing to stop when I got a crush on my neighbours builder. He was single too and I left it until after I'd ended things properly. I got in touch with him and we just messaged for 6 months before we met in person. We are still together now but its not perfect again if I'm honest. But we have the passion and conversation and same humour. I felt the difference straight awa with him it was such a strong feeling and I wasn't just settling. He was someone I had noticed and wanted and I had been set up with my kids dad when I was single and fed up of men. He was such a nice straight forward person I just thought this is easy and nice. But I didn't realise how important it was to fancy someone in the first place and be really sexually attracted to them.
I definitely settled. We had some nice times. We really did. Plus our children too. But we just were not the right characters to build up and be productive together. I was always chasing my tail. He was very messy too and although clean and quite nice looking he had no style and no interest in looking at stuff he would actually look nice in. He just bought cheap t shirts and hoodies and they were bobbly and peeling allover. Loads of reasons I wasn't attracted to him in the end.

I completely agree with you that if something bad hasn't happened it's harder. I guess I looked like the person who quit on her family. But I knew I was loosing myself. X

I'm in your husband's position. He told me he wanted to split this summer. I was in complete shock, we have spoken about it twice since (lack of communication is the root cause). We have now put the split on hold until he retires in a couple of years.
BUT I have got my ducks in a row:
I have sorted finances - you say you have nothing, find out what he has, it is half yours,
I have got all my documents together,
I have taken advice from solicitors and financial advisors,
I have mentally split,
I have ignited my independent social life.
How do you know he isn't doing this? He maybe be squirreling his money away so you can't get it. He may have a solicitor lined up. The battle-lines may be drawn.
If emotions aren't involved, money is the most important thing to sort.

@1ranksenior

I'm in your husband's position. He told me he wanted to split this summer. I was in complete shock, we have spoken about it twice since (lack of communication is the root cause). We have now put the split on hold until he retires in a couple of years. BUT I have got my ducks in a row: I have sorted finances - you say you have nothing, find out what he has, it is half yours, I have got all my documents together, I have taken advice from solicitors and financial advisors, I have mentally split, I have ignited my independent social life. How do you know he isn't doing this? He maybe be squirreling his money away so you can't get it. He may have a solicitor lined up. The battle-lines may be drawn. If emotions aren't involved, money is the most important thing to sort.

This!

This is the most important. You've told him, that's it. He doesn't need to do anything else. You are the one who made the decision, you are the one who wants this, you should be leading it.

It sounds like you are saying your marriage was on paper only. You live separately and have your homes and separate finances, is that right? Why did you marry him in the first place?

Wallaceit was him that told me completely out of the blue he wants to split. Initially he said he was moving out to a rented flat and for me to sell our house next year. It was such a shock to me I lost 4kg in a fortnight. I have asked him to take it more slowly as I have so much to come to terms with and to sort out. We've lived in the house for 30 years. He has agreed but still wants to have split by the time he retires in 3 years.