Had enough of my fucking mother!

[user7994326]

Big of Background:

My parents broke up when I was 4yo. They continued to physically fight in the street where I lived. At the end of the fights I was the one who calmed everyone down, all the adults around me were crying sand upset.

This, along with my undiagnosed autism, meant that I didn't show any emotion towards my mother. I'm still frightened to this day to be vulnerable in front of her.

During my childhood I was passed from parent to parent as they each didn't want to take care of me. My mum had boyfriend after boyfriend, they were all invading my home and space, some were verbally abusive at times, one threatened me. She would constantly holiday with different men leaving me behind in my dad's care.

My dad remarried (Islamically) and both he and my step mum were physically abusive towards me. My mum would constantly call my dad to pick me up as she couldn't cope with me (autistic behaviours), he'd then take me to his house and whip and beat me. My mum knew this but let it happen.

Neither of them were good parents but I think my dad did love me whereas I've never felt loved by my mum.

At one stage my dad whipped me so severely that I went to school with arm length gloves on. When I refused to remove them in class I was kept behind. When the teacher saw the lumps on my arms and hands she called social services. We had input from them but ultimately nothing changed.

When I was 15 my dad beat me up with a metal dish drainer, I ran away to the nearest phone box and called the police. The police arrived and tried to take me to my mother's home but she was with a man and unavailable. Luckily, they managed to get through to my auntie and I went there. The next day I called social services but they said I was to return home, they didn't have a duty to house me as my dad said I could return home therefore I wasn't homeless.
I had to go to a solicitor and get a letter written to social to tell them to house me. Finally they put me in supported lodgings but after a few months this service was closed so I was left renting rooms from that age.

My mum has been in and out of my life since then, not really helping me with anything or mothering me.

I now have my own child. I'm a single mum and have no support. I'm fine with this but my mum likes to pretend that she is supporting and helpful when she isn't.

I speak to my mum on facetime and she constantly comments and belittles me. I've had enough and I think she should be grateful I talk to her at all.

Today my dc asked to watch the ipad. I responded saying, "remember, you didn't do as mummy asked earlier?" And my mum shouts from facetime "were they naughty?" I replied yes they didn't listen to me earlier" my mum then said "poor dc. I feel sorry for them. I never told you off."

This may seem like nothing but time after time hour after hour I'm sick of her comments.

She has never looked after my dc. I've never had a break.
I do attachment parenting and still breastfeed, bedshare etc. The other day I had been awake all night and I asked my mum if she could play with dc in the living room for an hour or two so I could have a nap. She them proceeded to dig at me, laugh at me when I was making phone calls because she didn't want to help.

OP, the reponse from your mother's family seems to be normal unfortunately.

I had a horrrendous childhood too, but the wider family, especially my father's family, was unable to see that or empathise. Even when my father almost killed my mother, beat his own mother, attacked other people on the street etc. they kept sending me back to him. When I went NC with my father, his family, even my grandmother who was abused by him, was angry with me and asked me why I was making a fuss. For years they barely kept in touch but when I told my father I want nothing to do with him, out they came with a chorus of "he's your father, forgive and forget", "he's ill", "think of the pain you're putting him through!", "don't make a fuss" etc.

My psychiatrist warned me it'll be like that. Apparently, once you stop dancing to the tune of the abusive system that has been set up, other participants in that system get uncomfortable and create a backlash against the destabalizing person, i.e. you. They need you to keep pretending everything is alright and don't want to face the reality that they aided and tolerated abuse or were abusive themselves.

I hope you find peace and wish you the best. Personally, going NC with most of the family was one of the best things I did.

You and children should not be involved with these people. I had a similar upbringing and have cut mine off (well one died) and no you shouldn’t feel about it.

Also agree with pp above, can’t stand family members who ‘don’t want to make a fuss’ when they know stuff like this is happening. I will never forgive my aunts and uncles for letting my parents violently abuse us and not only that I was told to keep quiet about it as it would make the family ‘look bad.’ Fuck that, they made themselves look bad by ignoring domestic violence in front of their nose. I have nothing to do with them now. Anyway that’s my own stuff sorry op. Again, protect yourself and do not feel guilty about it. You owe them nothing.