Had enough of my fucking mother!

[user7994326]

Big of Background:

My parents broke up when I was 4yo. They continued to physically fight in the street where I lived. At the end of the fights I was the one who calmed everyone down, all the adults around me were crying sand upset.

This, along with my undiagnosed autism, meant that I didn't show any emotion towards my mother. I'm still frightened to this day to be vulnerable in front of her.

During my childhood I was passed from parent to parent as they each didn't want to take care of me. My mum had boyfriend after boyfriend, they were all invading my home and space, some were verbally abusive at times, one threatened me. She would constantly holiday with different men leaving me behind in my dad's care.

My dad remarried (Islamically) and both he and my step mum were physically abusive towards me. My mum would constantly call my dad to pick me up as she couldn't cope with me (autistic behaviours), he'd then take me to his house and whip and beat me. My mum knew this but let it happen.

Neither of them were good parents but I think my dad did love me whereas I've never felt loved by my mum.

At one stage my dad whipped me so severely that I went to school with arm length gloves on. When I refused to remove them in class I was kept behind. When the teacher saw the lumps on my arms and hands she called social services. We had input from them but ultimately nothing changed.

When I was 15 my dad beat me up with a metal dish drainer, I ran away to the nearest phone box and called the police. The police arrived and tried to take me to my mother's home but she was with a man and unavailable. Luckily, they managed to get through to my auntie and I went there. The next day I called social services but they said I was to return home, they didn't have a duty to house me as my dad said I could return home therefore I wasn't homeless.
I had to go to a solicitor and get a letter written to social to tell them to house me. Finally they put me in supported lodgings but after a few months this service was closed so I was left renting rooms from that age.

My mum has been in and out of my life since then, not really helping me with anything or mothering me.

I now have my own child. I'm a single mum and have no support. I'm fine with this but my mum likes to pretend that she is supporting and helpful when she isn't.

I speak to my mum on facetime and she constantly comments and belittles me. I've had enough and I think she should be grateful I talk to her at all.

Today my dc asked to watch the ipad. I responded saying, "remember, you didn't do as mummy asked earlier?" And my mum shouts from facetime "were they naughty?" I replied yes they didn't listen to me earlier" my mum then said "poor dc. I feel sorry for them. I never told you off."

This may seem like nothing but time after time hour after hour I'm sick of her comments.

She has never looked after my dc. I've never had a break.
I do attachment parenting and still breastfeed, bedshare etc. The other day I had been awake all night and I asked my mum if she could play with dc in the living room for an hour or two so I could have a nap. She them proceeded to dig at me, laugh at me when I was making phone calls because she didn't want to help.

@awesomekilick

You're questioning if she was abusive? Let me tell you loud and clear - she was. You had an awful awful childhood. You were neglected emotionally and damaged mentally and physically. That poor little girl...

Until and unless your mum understands and acknowledges her neglect, don't have anything to do with her.

Every single time she's critical of you - every time - simply say "I don't want your comments mum".

Thank you for that. I also remember sexual abuse, I told her this once but she said he wouldn't have done this because he's religious.

You're right in what you say. I tell her not to tell me. It's like, she's a child, I say stop stop enough and she keeps talking Nd she can't stop herself.

@user7994326 I know you said you’ve seen a lot of therapists/counsellors from a young age, but have you seen the RIGHT therapist? By that I mean one that actually ‘gets’ you? One who truly helps you to heal properly? Because from your posts it doesn’t sound like it. I mean that with no malice, but from your own words you keep questioning whether your parents were abusive? That does not sound like someone who has healed. It sounds like you have CPTSD. Have you looked into EMDR therapy?

Your opening post was distressing enough, your second one where you talk about what your dad used to say/do and you writing out help and a phone number on a piece of paper is just next level gut wrenching. I don’t think you realise how upsetting it is for people who don’t come from abusive backgrounds to hear about such things and for the victim to still be hurting and nothing has been done all these years.

Your parents are abusive, toxic assholes who should never have done what they did to you.

You matter. You are worth it. You are enough.

I am so sorry for what you went through.

@Lottapianos

'I tell her but she doesn't listen.'

She's not going to listen. People like her are just not capable of any empathy. You will never get her to accept how awful her behaviour was, and still is. Stop showing her this thread, no good will come of it.

I know this really hurts, but she's never going to accept your pain, and really hear you. She brings nothing good to your life and that is not going to change

I agree. This is the realisation I've come to today. She's not going to listen.

I've cut her off for months/ a year previously so I can do it and I did feel less negative.

I think it's time to do that again. She has not had any response to the posts I sent her.

She's not a good mum.
She's not a good grandmother.
She doesn't add anything.
There's little point her being in my life.

There's no point in showing her this thread, she has got her own version of reality in her head and she's not going to admit the truth. And in that way, she is still abusing you, because she is denying you your reality. Maybe it's time to cut her out of your life, she's not someone I'd want around my child, she's plainly manipulative, and she is still causing you pain. I also wish I could rescue the child that you were. Be very proud of yourself and the way you have made a life for you and your child.

@LuluBlakey1

Sorry OP, you have posted while I was writing and answered my question.

She sounds like a complete drain on you emotionally- every time you see or speak to her, her behaviour must remind you of what happened to you as a child. She is still abusing you- you are still her victim.

You deserved loving parents- every child does. You didn't have them and had no choice about what happened to you as a child. But you do have a choice now- never to see either of them again or have them in your own children's lives, if that is what you want. You can choose now not to be her victim. Reading how horrific it was and how awful it still is, I think you deserve a life free from it all.

Thank you fo responding.

I think the abuse/ victim thing is harder to accept because everyone who was around at the time says I was the problem.

My grandma, her mum, is the same now.

My dc is constantly ill, weakened immune system etc. She's been hospitalised many times and my grandma says, "i know she's not really ill. You must be cutting your finger and putting blood in her nappy to get attention."

"Your mum was a very good mum it's just that you were difficult."

"Your mum wasn't abusive. She was defending herself against you" (it was the other way around.

I've recently cut off my grandma for telling me I'm making my daughter have chronic constipation.

I think it's just when all these people deny it and put the blame on me I don't see it.

I know I was autistic and perhaps not as easy to deal with as a nt child but I would never do that to my daughter.

Just to let you know that there’s an identifying name in the screenshot that you might want to have removed.

I’m so sorry to hear what has happened to you. I wanted to add , it’s really important that any therapist you work with is experienced in working with people with autism, as the therapeutic approach needs to alter from that used with an NT person. I really hope you get the help you deserve to deal with your childhood trauma and its impact.

[quote Snuggz]@user7994326 I know you said you’ve seen a lot of therapists/counsellors from a young age, but have you seen the RIGHT therapist? By that I mean one that actually ‘gets’ you? One who truly helps you to heal properly? Because from your posts it doesn’t sound like it. I mean that with no malice, but from your own words you keep questioning whether your parents were abusive? That does not sound like someone who has healed. It sounds like you have CPTSD. Have you looked into EMDR therapy?

Your opening post was distressing enough, your second one where you talk about what your dad used to say/do and you writing out help and a phone number on a piece of paper is just next level gut wrenching. I don’t think you realise how upsetting it is for people who don’t come from abusive backgrounds to hear about such things and for the victim to still be hurting and nothing has been done all these years.

Your parents are abusive, toxic assholes who should never have done what they did to you.

You matter. You are worth it. You are enough.

I am so sorry for what you went through.[/quote]
Hi,

I have done emdr. I have depression, anxiety OCD and autism so I've had heavy input throughout my whole life.
I can understand reading this it may not seem like I've healed but I really have. I've accepted what happened, in some ways I'm grateful as it's made me so strong.
I don't usually think about my childhood or talk about it anymore as I've done that so now I'm posting about it I am questioning if some of the things were abusive simply because everyone around me, people who were children at the time and adults have said it was me.

I can openly say they were abusive, terrible parents but some things, like the way my mum acts now, I question if that's abusive as she keeps telling me it's not.

I think when I cut her off i will be able to see it more clearly.

Your 2nd paragraph is surprising to me. My parents used to find suicide letters and shout at me. When I've told my mum this she's just shrugged her shoulders so, to me, it seems a non event but thinking about the scared little girl does makr me understand what you're saying.

Thank you for your post

amazed why you are still in contact with either or allow your kids to be.

@pickingdaisies

There's no point in showing her this thread, she has got her own version of reality in her head and she's not going to admit the truth. And in that way, she is still abusing you, because she is denying you your reality. Maybe it's time to cut her out of your life, she's not someone I'd want around my child, she's plainly manipulative, and she is still causing you pain. I also wish I could rescue the child that you were. Be very proud of yourself and the way you have made a life for you and your child.

You're so right. Thank you.

It's telling that she's read it and not replied. She doesn't like to address it so she can remain her invented self

I have chosen to take a long break from my mother. She is unwell it is not her fault. But we have a toxic relationship and as much as she has tried at times. It is just so complicated. I left home at 15. I have a great life now but still battle with the past.
I have had to learn that family is not all about genetics it can also be about choice and effort.
Do what is needed for you l. Sounds like you are doing an amazing job after a really rough start l. The love you give to your child even in these early years - without having received it for yourself as amazing. You have broken pattern of abuse. Your child will have such a different experience of life thanks to you. So will your child’s children and so on. That’s amazing. Focus on that and you. Keep going. Know your boundaries. Know that your feelings and experiences are valid even if they are not acknowledged by others that should know . Let that continue to spur you on. It is so hard. But you are brilliant. We can’t change them - we can only ever change ourselves and our own experience which is shit but also honestly liberating. Well done. Find the people that hear you and stick to them.

You felt loved by someone who physically beat and whip you. You have been abused and let down by every adult in your life. This is not your fault. You are not a bad person. Your parents deserve to be cut off so that you can heal. I think you deserve weekly counselling. I wonder if you could find a support group who could act as a surrogate family.

@godmum56 I maintained relationships with my parents for a long time. I just wanted to have a “normal” family . I wanted to maintain it for my kids . I can’t even explain it - but that’s what I did. We all make choices based on what we believe is how we want our world to look. No shame in that and no judgement . But I have felt so confused and ashamed that i made that choice now I know We can only do what we know until we know better then we can change direction if we are fortunate.
It’s really hard and really personal I think when we maintain contact with abusers. It’s a big learning curve when we realise the damage it has and have to break away from it . It’s taken me 40 years and I still miss the fantasy of a family I tried to create. It’s so confusing.

Your grandma and others saying your mum was a good mum absolves them from having to help and means they can not feel guilty or like they should have helped. If they had said she was terrible then they have had to have helped.
They don't deserve you and are trying to control and bully you to feel good about themselves. If they keep you down then they can carry on pretending it's all ok and they are good people.
It's hard letting go, but it will get easier when you realise you don't need them, they drag you down and you are protecting your daughter. Your mum will never be the mum you deserved but you can be the mum you want to be

Neither of them were good parents but I think my dad did love me whereas I've never felt loved by my mum.

No one who would physically hurt you like he did can love you.
There’s one thing to have a smacked bottom with one smack (which some people agree with) and being beaten with weapons.

I worry your abusive childhood has impacted on how you allow others to treat you.
I think it would be better for you to move away and start fresh somewhere and no contact with your mum or dad.

I’m angry and sad that SS didn’t have you removed from the home.
Please be careful with future relationships as many men prey on women who’ve had abusive pasts and they end up getting abused again.

I just want to add that although I feel that my dad loved me at times I still know he was abusive. This formed part of my OCD. I didn't want to become like him so any part of me that came into contact with things he had touched I would clean with bleach and disinfectant.
Every day when I came home from school I obviously had to walk through the house to get to my bedroom, this meant I inevitably came into contact with things he'd touched so I would drink bleach and disinfectant then clean myself with it. This poisoned my blood or something and I was hospitalised.
My point being that I don't condone any of their behaviour.
I think what I mean is in comparison to my mother, I felt more loved by him.

Oh, goodness.

I am so sorry for what you went through.

And it is so heartwarming that you are bringing your own children up with the love and care that you should have had.

It sounds as if you are still looking for the love that you should have had. The more you seek it from your Mum the more she will show she will not or cannot provide it. By criticising you, etc.

Same for looking for love in relationships with people who abuse you.

Your Mum cannot full the gap in your life left by her negligence and abuse. She can add nothing to your relationship with your children. She undermines you (criticising your fair and gentle discipline in front of them) and undermines your confidence.

She abandoned you to a man she knew was beating you severely. Your turn to keep her out of your life. Not for revenge but for your own health, well being and confidence.

Be the best Mum that you can be, find love and pride and confidence in that.

Cut your Mum out.

This was a heartbreaking read and I wish you all the healing in the world OP . The thing is that you can't begin to heal until you remove the source of what damaged you and continues to do so.

You have seriously unmet needs from childhood and the sad truth is that you can never get those met. They are from another time. That development ship has sailed. We can't get back there to that time when we needed it the most.

However, you can put your boat in the water right where you are. You can comfort and soothe yourself. You can begin to meet your own needs right now. Parenting yourself and giving yourself the love and approval that your parents never did and are infact incapable of.

I'm always suggesting books to people because I've read so many and done so much of this work myself but there's one little short book you can get which might help start to process of loving yourself. "Love yourself like your life depends on it" by Kamal Ravikant. If you're not a book person then someone like Melanie Tonia Evans has some incredible videos online about overcoming abuse from these types.

I don’t think you have to explain yourself at all - everting you have said makes perfect sense and I’m sure will to many others. You would probably be amazing at supporting others through experiences.

I’m so sorry this happened to you OP, and it’s appalling that social services provision is so low you didn’t get better help.

In your case I think a complete NC with both parents, grandmother and anyone associated with them would be best. Presumably you stay in touch partly for minimal childcare help - is there anyone else who could do this? Can you live without it till your DC starts nursery??

It sounds like your parents were young, likely barely brought up themselves - neglect travels down the generations, but the level of abuse you are describing there is no excuse for.

Can you start thinking about some training to go to work and start building a life for yourself. I can see you feel you’ve reached a point of acceptance with your parents - but really you need to move on from them, and it doesn’t appear that’s happening. It’s hard with a DC so small but I think putting plans in place for the future would help.

I was dreading reading that one of your mums abused you, seems like it's only "luck" that didn't happen too.

What is shit, worthless parent she is (not that your Dad wasbt severest abusive too).

I'm so sorry you had such a shit draw in the lottery of parents.

I'm afraid i see no way but no contact with your mother (who doesn't deserve that title) , it's not like you'll be losing any hekp from her.

(Mum's bfs).

Please OP, leave this woman behind.

You deserve so much better.

Do what you need to do for you & your DC's happiness.

Learn how to live without toxic people through counselling/ freedom programme etc.

You have experienced a lot of abuse & your brain may have adapted to accept it & that's why she's still on your life.

If your DM reads these responses & still doesn't recognise her part in abusing you then there is something very wrong. She will not change. The only thing you can do is to change how you respond to her, by letting her go.

@user7994326 my son is autistic, he is not difficult, he is wonderful, granted, sometimes we need adaptations, all of us as a family, this was never your fault, the fact that he is autistic makes me be more protective, hands on mother, not less, defending herself from you? what was she on? she failed you, when her only job was to protect you

Just want to add my voice. Reading your story was upsetting - thinking of you as a little girl being so horribly abused by both your parents. I'm so sorry.

I went no contact with my mum some years ago and it was the best decision I made in my life. Not saying everything after that has been easy (it hasn't) but the freedom and peace I experienced by cutting her from my life was a clear sign to me that it was the right thing to do.

In all my time on mumsnet I have rarely read anything that has made me so admirable of someone’s strength.

OP your should be so so so fucking proud of how you have turned your life around and how well you have both looked after yourself and your child.

Your parents are reproachful, disgusting individuals who do not deserve your love, time, emotion or thought.

Unfortunately your mother will never admit she was wrong/see things from your perspective. Narcissists never will. However your anger to her (and your dad) is not only understandable but thoroughly, throughly deserved.

May I ask if you have ever had counselling for your trauma? That is a lot to process on your own, especially if you don’t have a very strong support network.

You must ask yourself what does a relationship with this woman bring to your life? You could attempt to write her a letter detailing how you feel and if she refuses to accept this I would strongly recommend you start cutting your contact. You deserve infinitely better. Have you ever spoken about it?