Parenting advice

[AbitLostWithThings]

Hi, I am a man who needs advice.

I love my wife dearly and we are now late 50s and we met and fell in love as teenagers. We have two children and our son is early 30's. He is married and recently had our first grandchild. They live 2 hours away. Last week we saw her for the first time for a few hours as she was only a day old. She is just wonderful and the most beautiful child in the world.

Our son is not great at communication and my wife has been hurt this week by his lack of getting in touch. She has tried and tried to arrange our next visit without success as there always seems to be someone else, usually a friend(s) our DiL wants to see. I stepped in a couple of days ago and spoke to him to ask if we could have a schedule of once a month and we would not take up too much of their time to see our grandchild. The last visit round trip was nearly six hours in the day due to traffic. I did explain that we are not getting any younger and the journey is tough and as everyone else (other grandparents and friends) are local could he make an effort to try to accommodate us. I suggested once a month on a Sat or Sun morning for a few hours so we did not interrupt their weekend. He has not go back to me yet.

Anyhow, our DD called me this morning to say my wife had called her and then broke down in tears in the car whilst chatting that no matter how hard she tries she keeps getting rejected by our son.

I am sorry this happened as I don't want our DD to feel bad or get pulled into this. Anyhow, what has happened has happened. It turns out our DD was getting photos and updates and my wife wasn't. I understand her sadness. I explained to our DD not to worry, not to take it on herself and that time will help everyone. I will follow this up to make sure she feels ok about things.

I would also say that we have been a great support to our children throughout their lives. We have always been their with love, advice and finance whenever it has been needed. We are not interfering nor pushy. I fully appreciate that what has been given was given freely without any future expectations. It is therefore not a case of anyone owing anything.

I am struggling a lot today as my wife and family are my world and to see any one of them upset causes me a lot of pain.

I have called my son to chat and left him a message to ask him to call me.

As I have aged I am more gentle and softer than my earlier years and I can manage disappointment. My family is precious to me and I am concerned that I will make the wrong move. I think that it is early days and we should give it time but experience shows that our son will remain cool to us. My wife has always struggled with this and blames herself for focusing too much on our DD when she was born. This is not true of course as she is looking for a reason to take the blame. She is a wonderful kind and caring person who in all our years together only ever sees the good in people.

How can I approach this so I do not loose my relationship with our son. One one had I want to tell him how I feel but have to 'pussy foot' around things (always have with him), whilst on the other I have to protect what I have.

Your best bet is to back off a bit. Their world has just been turned upside down by the arrival of the baby. Some grandparents also tend to be excessively entitled about access to the baby, particularly during a pandemic. Perhaps they are worried that you are headed that way.

You say that you are more gentle and softer now. That implies that you were overly harsh and demanding previously. Only time and continued better behavior will undo that. Your son cannot undo how he feels about your previous behavior overnight.

When you next speak to your son, perhaps tell him that you understand that they have too much going on to have a lot of visitors and that the baby is vulnerable to covid and other communicable diseases. Tell him that you would appreciate updates and perhaps photos going forward. Are you on facebook or something similar?

Good God. They have a one week old baby and you are mithering them about setting up monthly visits!?!?!

They probably can’t see past the next feed let alone what they will be doing in February 2022.

For people who claim to not be interfering and pushy I’m afraid that you are being a bit interfering and pushy.

Yes I was not softer but that meant I was quick to jump in and try to fix things that maybe were not always broken. Not with my family but for those outside of it.

I was the best man at my son's wedding as he said that I had always been there for him through the difficult times in particular.

I agree that after 1 week we need to wait it out. Maybe the conversation is with my wife and not my son?

thank you

Just read what I wrote. I am trying to fix a situation to help my wife that I need to sit back from and see how things unfold.

Thank you again. A couple of posts and I get to see things more clearly.

Whoa! Slow down. Your poor son and DIL. You’re DIL has either pushed a baby our of her vagina and likely had intimate stitches or has had major surgery. She will be in pain and leaking from various places. The baby is very probably feeding every 2 hours hours from the start of feeds so, especially if breastfeeding they will be getting very limited sleep and you’re wondering why they are not being more accommodating and won’t agree to a visiting schedule. They’re trying to find their their feet as new parents and if you don’t start respecting that then you will push them away.

I feel for you and for your wife but it is indeed very very early days - the baby is a week old! Give it time with your son. And reassure your wife as best you can. Congratulations meanwhile on your beautiful granddaughter 💐

Thank you

I agree completely that I need to reassure my wife but to back off (in a nice way).

Would it be the case that we should wait for them to come to us or at least give it a decent amount of time?

thank you

You're welcome. Your wife needs to be patient. Your DIL is likely still a wreck from giving birth and both will be totally knackered from taking care of the baby. If it is their first they will be overwhelmed at this point.

You both need to focus on what's good here, a healthy child, and not on what you want in terms of visitation.

By the way, congratulations.

Wow their baby is only a week old.
Instead of trying to set up monthly visits already why not keep regular phone or text contact up with them, let them know how much you adore any photos they send and simply let them know that you cannot wait to see baby again once things are more settled and they are ready to have you over. If you want to set up regular visits that is something for way off in the future.

I would also like to offer another perspective, in the first few days after the borth you are on a bit of a high, by the time I got to 4/5 days in I was an emotional wreck, struggling to establish feeding etc and I had a bit of a breakdown and declared no visitors with my first and I am a very chilled and relaxed person. I was such a wreck I stopped my partners dad from visiting his grandson early on which I feel bad about now but at the time I just needed some time to recover and collect my thoughts and mental health. DIL could be overwhelmed so I would just play it by ear and maybe wish them well and check in every now and then but no pressure on the visit for a little bit. Maybe offer support in another way such as a nice food delivery since you are not local or some flowers etc (my aunty sent flowers 1 week in which was so thoughtful saying to help with baby blues) and friends send me magazines and some of my favourite snacks so when I was stuck feeding.

Thank you

We have never been in this situation before and I agree with all of the points made so much so that I will convey them gently to my wife later. I know it doesn't sound great phrased like this but is it the case that for now as grandparents we should 'take what we are given' and see how things pan out in the future?

I am sure I could have put that better. I remember what it is like all those years ago with children and parents. Even when parents were not interfering we thought they were. An innocent remark could turn into something else.

I know it doesn't sound great phrased like this but is it the case that for now as grandparents we should 'take what we are given' and see how things pan out in the future?

Pretty much. Some grandparents are not terribly interested in visiting, to there's nothing wrong with letting them know that you would like to when the time is right. Just don't go on about it. And if your wife has ideas about taking the baby for days or overnights that will really scare them off.

Thank you again. Wife on way home so when the moment presents itself and she wants to express herself then I will be kind to her and explain where we are and hopefully she can come to terms with things. She always has been mentally very stable so it is a surprise to see her become 'a little irrational' and it is upsetting. I guess her mothering instincts are very strong and she somehow has to let the parents do what they feel is the right thing and just be there if they need us.

thank you again

I should also say that I need to look at myself as well and to make sure that I recognise my own emotions for what they are.

thank you

What is your wife’s relationship like with your DIL? I you both owe your son and DIL and apology. I was would also suggest in a few days your wife messages your DIL and specific focuses on asking how she is doing rather than just the baby. And maybe send a small gift in the post. It could just be some nice biscuits or COOK vouchers. Anything to show she recognises your DIL is a person in her own right.

By the sounds of it your wife needs to back off and both of your expectations need to be managed. Poor woman has literally just given birth and you've already been to see the baby on day one ?! Give them some space and let them bond as a family.

It's too soon to start scheduling visits on a monthly basis - just take it as it comes and see how they get on.

Depending on the personality of them both, your son could be pulling away and "rejecting" you guys because you are bombarding him.

Let them settle together as a family.

OP can I just say that you sound lovely. As pps have said - it's early days and emotionally charged for all concerned - I feel sure things will settle down. Good luck!

Her relationship is good. We have bought a lot of gifts and flowers etc. My wife does need to manage things better, as do I with her. When my son phones I will tell him I love him, ask about his mental health (if he wants to chat etc,) and tell him if he needs us we are here.

Not sure how to broach things at the moment now my wife is home but will work on it.

I agree re the scheduling. It was too early and I now regret it

thank you

I'm getting a sense that your wife is trying too hard with DS and it's leaving them feeling overwhelmed. Especially the request for a regular monthly visit. My heart would have sank reading that.

Has your DD been to see the baby? I wonder if she has a much less intense approach to her brother and SiL and that's why she's getting updates. Whereas they may worry if they send a photo to your wife, it will trigger another desperate request for a visit.

She has to back off and let them come to her.

Do you have a family WhatsApp group? Would that be a possibility? It's feels like a lot less pressure to keep in touch with a photo or vid fairly often rather than individually.

Thank you. Yes she is trying too hard.

I have had a conversation with her and she said she felt better now after our son sent some images today. It turned out that at the heart of things it was living so far away. We could move of course but our DD lives nearby. That was the crux of things and she said she did not know she would feel that way.

Also spoke to son and apologised for asking for a schedule. I said it was bad timing and ill thought through. He said it was all fine and he was not offended.

I think this will run for a while but with the advice on here I feel that I have found the right path. You are all correct with the points raised and your advice has made a difference today so thank you very much indeed.

Thank you random internet strangers you deserve a lot of appreciation for your sound advice and wonderful help.

I wonder if a text or email would be appropriate, just to say you're sorry, you realise you got over excited and have been a bit pushy, and will back off. Then maybe a text every 2/3 days to ask how they are, if there's anything you can do to help, send love. Perhaps a nice picture of the family dog/cat/garden, and just let things settle.
If you have a generally good relationship with your son things will calm down.
Congratulations on becoming a grandparent and now go and give your wife a big cuddle

(A similar age to you also with son early 30s, who lives abroad)
All is not lost

Sorry I see you spoke to him, but nevertheless just the odd light text would probably be appropriate

Your responses to other comments made it look as though you are trying your best to understands.
Tbh, when I read you thread I could nit believe how inconsiderate and selfish / entitled your wife has been - and you by extension. Your wife has made this all about her and you have aided and abetted her. For heavens sake, give the poor people some space and pray you haven't already blown it. An apology (sincere and not self-pitying) is the only further communication you should be making right now.

Thank you. Yes keeping it light is the way forward. Will keep it footballer related this weekend. Made dinner and had my wife's favourite chocolate afterwards. Given her space now to find her own way.