Parenting advice

[AbitLostWithThings]

Hi, I am a man who needs advice.

I love my wife dearly and we are now late 50s and we met and fell in love as teenagers. We have two children and our son is early 30's. He is married and recently had our first grandchild. They live 2 hours away. Last week we saw her for the first time for a few hours as she was only a day old. She is just wonderful and the most beautiful child in the world.

Our son is not great at communication and my wife has been hurt this week by his lack of getting in touch. She has tried and tried to arrange our next visit without success as there always seems to be someone else, usually a friend(s) our DiL wants to see. I stepped in a couple of days ago and spoke to him to ask if we could have a schedule of once a month and we would not take up too much of their time to see our grandchild. The last visit round trip was nearly six hours in the day due to traffic. I did explain that we are not getting any younger and the journey is tough and as everyone else (other grandparents and friends) are local could he make an effort to try to accommodate us. I suggested once a month on a Sat or Sun morning for a few hours so we did not interrupt their weekend. He has not go back to me yet.

Anyhow, our DD called me this morning to say my wife had called her and then broke down in tears in the car whilst chatting that no matter how hard she tries she keeps getting rejected by our son.

I am sorry this happened as I don't want our DD to feel bad or get pulled into this. Anyhow, what has happened has happened. It turns out our DD was getting photos and updates and my wife wasn't. I understand her sadness. I explained to our DD not to worry, not to take it on herself and that time will help everyone. I will follow this up to make sure she feels ok about things.

I would also say that we have been a great support to our children throughout their lives. We have always been their with love, advice and finance whenever it has been needed. We are not interfering nor pushy. I fully appreciate that what has been given was given freely without any future expectations. It is therefore not a case of anyone owing anything.

I am struggling a lot today as my wife and family are my world and to see any one of them upset causes me a lot of pain.

I have called my son to chat and left him a message to ask him to call me.

As I have aged I am more gentle and softer than my earlier years and I can manage disappointment. My family is precious to me and I am concerned that I will make the wrong move. I think that it is early days and we should give it time but experience shows that our son will remain cool to us. My wife has always struggled with this and blames herself for focusing too much on our DD when she was born. This is not true of course as she is looking for a reason to take the blame. She is a wonderful kind and caring person who in all our years together only ever sees the good in people.

How can I approach this so I do not loose my relationship with our son. One one had I want to tell him how I feel but have to 'pussy foot' around things (always have with him), whilst on the other I have to protect what I have.

Honestly this is massively out of character for her. It was the underlying distance she was struggling with. We both did not cover ourselves in glory. I believe it can be repaired if we give them space and as suggested keep it light.

You sound very sensible and it's refreshing to see a man on here taking advice on board.
I think that particularly for women, becoming a grandparent can take us straight back to our own days of having babies, with all the emotions that go with it - excitement is coupled with sadness for those days being in our past, so much being done differently these days can almost feel like criticism of how we did things, regrets, possibly. It's something that I was quite unprepared for when I became a grandparent but apparently it's not uncommon. It takes conscious effort to step back and be supportive yet not interfering, and i imagine the feelings are amplified when it's someone else's daughter who has given birth, not your own, and is likely to be looking to her own mum and support network rather than you. It's a lot to navigate as a new, excited grandparent, but it sounds like you're on the right path.

You sound like a lovely father and husband - I'm sure everything will sort itself out given time. Emotions will be high for everyone now, especially the new parents of course, but your openness to feedback and self reflection make me sure that all will work itself out with a little time.

I found the time after all the visits had dried up hard - everyone has seen the baby, had cuddles and then we were left alone with the hard bits to deal with. I'm sure your son and daughter in law will appreciate you being there for them then, once the initial excitement wears off and normal life settles in.

Congratulations on your granddaughter.

Thank you again. Yes being the DiL makes a big difference. Our own DD is very close with my Wife and they have a strong friendship/bond.

I agree that DiL may 'crash' when the visits slow down, especially as she has a very demanding job and she will be at home. Having said that our son WFH 90% of the time and he is very hands on and supportive so that will help.

Going to the beach this morning for a long fresh air walk. If my wife wants to talk then she can otherwise I will chat about lots of hopeful and positive things. That and a nice coffee will help.

thank you all

Seconding @Knitsewthread. Have a good weekend.

Enjoy your lovely fresh air walk Mr and Mrs @AbitLostWithThings

I recommend this book 'The Sixty Minute Grandparent' by Rob Parsons
I downloaded it on kindle when my daughter was expecting, and I found it interesting and useful.

I’ve never posted here before but I’m desperate and looking for some advice/perspective.
My son is 21, he left school at 16 with limited qualifications and went to college. He never completed the course and since then he’s worked for a total of less than 6 months in 5 years.
A bit of background - he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 7, medicated through school which helped but he doesn’t take medication now. He’s bright and clever but never applied himself.
He still lives at home but he has a girlfriend and is expecting a baby in May.
Here is my problem….as I’ve said already, he doesn’t work. He claims universal credit and gets some disability element because he claims to have anxiety and depression which affects his ability to work. He’s awake all night and asleep all day which wouldn’t be a major problem if he didn’t keep us awake most of the night. My partner and I both work full time and are finding it increasingly difficult not getting enough sleep. He makes zero effort to be quiet, up and down to the kitchen for snacks, talking on the phone, playing his games and general noise you wouldn’t blink an eye at during the day but it’s very different at night.
I have asked him to pay board (not a lot, just enough to show him he has to pay his way in life) and he’s refused for the last 3 months. He’s actually said “why would I pay board for somewhere I don’t want to live”
In the past he’s been violent when challenged about his behaviour. There are holes in his bedroom door to prove it. It’s left my partner and I reluctant to challenge him as we both recognise it could go too far and there’d be no coming back from it. Neither of us want that. Consequently my son believes he can carry on as he is.
He claims he can’t work due to anxiety but he has no problem with other social situations. If I do challenge him he will play on his mental health and threaten to harm himself or worse. It feels like emotional blackmail.
This is just a snapshot of what is going on, I could literally go on all day but I’m at the end of my tether and don’t know what to do anymore. It’s causing so many issues between my partner and I, I’m stuck in the middle feeling like who I should put first. We’ve tried everything; supporting, encouraging, motivating, talking to him, shouting at him! Even the impending baby hasn’t made him step up and realise he has to change.
What would other parents do in this situation?

@Effmyeffinglife start a new thread and I'm sure you'll get some advice