Is it ok to text someone who's asked for space?

[Serendipity79]

I asked a close relative to give me some space recently. There is a long history of me being their whipping boy, and them repeatedly doing things that I feel undermine me as a parent. Examples include mocking me to my kids because of my views on sticking to the rules during Covid, buying toys for them that I specifically said they couldn't have e.g. toy knives (I don't think 5 year olds need to play pretend stabbing games), and telling my 7 year old son that washing up is women's work and he needs to put me in my place when I ask him to help with smalls bits of housework. My visits with them also emotionally drained me, they were just hours full of them criticising the world in general, me, my siblings, their neighbours, their work colleagues - it exhausted me just being in a conversation with them.
I've never felt good enough, irrespective of anything I do and even though I helped them out a lot both emotionally and financially. None of my achievements get celebrated and I felt very let down growing up that I was so invisible to them until they needed something.

Its gone on for years and I finally flipped as I'd had enough. I was diagnosed with depression, I knew this relationship was a factor and I said I would like to have some space and distance to think about how we could move forward in a way that would work for everyone. I've had a text now to say that enough is enough, they want to know where they stand, its been very difficult for them managing on their own without my help, and that they've had enough of this nonsense about me needing space and want me to text them back because I've had enough time. If I'm honest I've only just started to unpick how I feel, its only been a couple of weeks. Other relatives and friends of theirs are now bombarding me with messages of how unfair I am being because they're so upset at being cut off.

I guess I am looking for views on whether that's reasonable for them to put a time limit on me "making up my mind". Stepping back was a hard thing for me to do, I am the quiet one who always says nothing when they upset me but I recognised it was having a serious effect on my mental health and I didn't want my kids to see me being treated like a joke either.

Does anyone have experience of a similar situation or some wise words? I've not responded as yet because I want to think about whether its even right to reply right now. I have been told that there's no apology on the cards - they think I am over reacting and being dramatic so I am not sure anything would change, and it could even get worse.

Mute the messages & ignore, you can block & they won't know you have done it. You just need these messages somewhere that they aren't constantly on your mind. Blocked messages are still saved to a folder should you ever wish to read them.

Two weeks and they are telling you its nonsense. Not asking how you are, concerned for you, or thoughtful, just wanting things to go back to how they are. Expect to get s lot more texts. If you want space, get ready for a lot of anger from them. That just because you are no longer prepared to be their fall girl, the one who jumps to their tune. Be very proud you found your voice and are using it. Amazing. Strength. Well done

Another good resource to check out OP

Go onto YouTube and search for the TED talk on giving fewer fucks,

As has been said so eloquently you owe this relative nothing and you need to stop having to explain and justify your decisions. Just place distance between yourself and whoever this vile relative is, and keep it that way. You don't need to rack your brains trying to work out a reasonable timeframe for having some space - make it 25 years, that should do it!

"See you in 25 years, until then my field of fucks is barren"

I went no contact with a close relative who constantly put me down and bullied me..he called it friendly banter. I've never been happier. I wouldn't allow toxic people into my life. It's my life and I decide who I share it with. Good luck. X

Great advice above.

With people like your mother who fundamentally think because they birthed you, they own you, and therefore aren't required to treat you with a scrap of respect, arguing will only upset you and get you nowhere.

Silence is POWERFUL.

It removes all power from them.

They cannot argue with it.

It is completely non negotiable.

IMO there is no message stronger and more resolute.

No message that puts awful people in their place better.

They no longer matter.

OP, you are doing so well.
Your MH will improve immeasurably if you block your mother and anyone else that attempts to contact you on her behalf.

The freedom of no longer giving a fxxk about someone like her, that has hurt you so much, by knowing that you never have to interact again, should you choose not to, will bring you priceless peace.

So often on MN I read of poster's regretting that they didn't take action earlier.
They never regret doing it.

You have taken control back.
Take the final step of taking back control of your phone, and block them.

Keep posting.

So I thought I would update this post, sort of like a "dear diary"! I've remained NC but I've a while to go I think until I find real peace. I have had one CBT session and its early days but I feel like it will benefit me hugely.

However - I have been contacted by a couple of people - all of whom have been told that this isn't up for discussion, they don't have a full understanding of the situation and I wont be providing them with one either. So far I've had this little lot thrown at me:

It must be so hard for the kids not seeing their grandparent
Its nearly Xmas - its a season of forgiveness

What if they died next week from Covid how would you live with yourself?
Have you considered that you're the problem here?
Its been a while now, so you need to stop being silly
Family is family - its all that matters
You should respect your elders, and recognise their importance

Talk about exhausting....... but I still don't regret it. The kids asked me about it and I spoke honestly to them but without the detail. I've said that it isn't ok to have people around us who are mean to us or say things that upset us, because even when we don't agree with others, we can still be sorry for hurting peoples feelings. And that they are always allowed to walk away from people who upset them, make then feel sad/small/belittled and that I do wish things were different but they aren't so we just have to get on with things, because it as their choice to behave like they did, and its my choice to walk away from it.

[quote Serendipity79]@HollowTalk I'm not totally back to myself, I think that will take a while, but I am doing ok and I feel a calmness that I didn't have before if that makes sense? I do feel bad for my kids as I don't want to strip them of family relationships but I strongly believe no example is better than a bad example?[/quote]
You don't have to give them a timeline, reply to any text, extend an olive branch or anything else. When you feel ready to be in contact again, you can decide how, where and for how long. And if they start to bully again, don't engage and keep the meeting very short.

Hmm. I was stunned when my crippling life long depression ended and has never come back after putting very firm boundaries in place with my father. You might find that your own depression lessens the more empowered you become in not tolerating this sort of horrible bullying, manipulative misogyny.

Hello Serendipity - great update, what a backbone you have!

Those "well-meaning" (ha!) questioners? Flying Monkeys.
Fuck' 'em. You can probably deal best with them by not responding at all. Grey Rock the heck out of their intrusive, ignorant nonsense.

& here's another PP who believes your depression is going to lift. All of that mental & emotional resource you put into managing The Relative can now be put back into you, & the DC :)

You have done marvellously, & are continuing to do so, putting your DC & your MH above the idiocy & FOG of a familial relationship that has simply run its course.

Go you!

@Serendipity79

The relatives who are asking me to basically surrender all believe that we have a loving relationship and that I've simply turned my back for no good reason. I tried to tell a couple of them but they refuse to believe me. So I don't want to try any more with them.

I really am overwhelmed by your comments on my post - I don't know why I feel so good that people I've never met agree with me, but I do!

I've decided that no response is the right response. Replying saying anything just gives the opportunity for them to come back at me with more of the same and I've so enjoyed the last couple of weeks without that going on.

The reason it feels so good is that you are having your feelings validated. And that's great; it shows you how it feels when you have belief in the concept of following your feelings.

The fact that you are asking if something is 'ok', and that you feel great when people tell you you are 'right' to feel that it isn't ok, shows that your validation needs to come from external sources: you are living as if there is an external set of rules that we all should be living by, and you want to get it 'right'. The key to avoiding this kind of abuse, the kind of abuse you encountered in your previous relationship, and any other kind of abuse, is to recognise that your feelings are the rules. If somebody does something and it makes you feel shit, there is no way of judging whether you are right or wrong: you just feel shit, and you need to tell that person that what they did made you feel shit. Then they get to decide whether your relationship continues, by choosing whether to amend their behaviour, or choosing to continue making you feel shit. Your part in this isn't to work out who is right or wrong; it's to walk away from people who do stuff that makes you feel bad.

And that's it. All abuse will be filtered out of your life if you learn to do that: express, once, calmly, that the behaviour makes you feel bad, and then walk away if your feelings are disrespected. That's boundaries, in a sentence.

You don't have to have this person in your life. You are responsible for making your life a happy place for you to be. Take that responsibility very seriously. Nobody gets to tell you what you should or shouldn't like/feel/do. You are in charge.

'You bought my 5 year old a knife
I never want you in my life'

Happy Christmas mother but read the room and fuck off.

Yours Serendipity.

@Shedmistress

'You bought my 5 year old a knife I never want you in my life'

Happy Christmas mother but read the room and fuck off.

Yours Serendipity.

This is fabulous.

Well done OP and I’m glad you had a therapy session. Mother’s can really a number on us can’t they? I would read into raised by narcissists as well. Stay strong! X

It may have been said here already, but the Stately Homes thread is so kind and welcoming when you have taken this sort of action. I remember my first tentative post on there, about a decade ago, asking if it was wrong for me to feel so low after DF and DM did xyz and was it OK that they used to ABC when I was a child. The torrent of loving support I received was what opened my eyes.