Is it ok to text someone who's asked for space?

[Serendipity79]

I asked a close relative to give me some space recently. There is a long history of me being their whipping boy, and them repeatedly doing things that I feel undermine me as a parent. Examples include mocking me to my kids because of my views on sticking to the rules during Covid, buying toys for them that I specifically said they couldn't have e.g. toy knives (I don't think 5 year olds need to play pretend stabbing games), and telling my 7 year old son that washing up is women's work and he needs to put me in my place when I ask him to help with smalls bits of housework. My visits with them also emotionally drained me, they were just hours full of them criticising the world in general, me, my siblings, their neighbours, their work colleagues - it exhausted me just being in a conversation with them.
I've never felt good enough, irrespective of anything I do and even though I helped them out a lot both emotionally and financially. None of my achievements get celebrated and I felt very let down growing up that I was so invisible to them until they needed something.

Its gone on for years and I finally flipped as I'd had enough. I was diagnosed with depression, I knew this relationship was a factor and I said I would like to have some space and distance to think about how we could move forward in a way that would work for everyone. I've had a text now to say that enough is enough, they want to know where they stand, its been very difficult for them managing on their own without my help, and that they've had enough of this nonsense about me needing space and want me to text them back because I've had enough time. If I'm honest I've only just started to unpick how I feel, its only been a couple of weeks. Other relatives and friends of theirs are now bombarding me with messages of how unfair I am being because they're so upset at being cut off.

I guess I am looking for views on whether that's reasonable for them to put a time limit on me "making up my mind". Stepping back was a hard thing for me to do, I am the quiet one who always says nothing when they upset me but I recognised it was having a serious effect on my mental health and I didn't want my kids to see me being treated like a joke either.

Does anyone have experience of a similar situation or some wise words? I've not responded as yet because I want to think about whether its even right to reply right now. I have been told that there's no apology on the cards - they think I am over reacting and being dramatic so I am not sure anything would change, and it could even get worse.

You’ve done really well in recognising how badly this person has affected you, you’ve taken steps to stop them , hold firm or you will kick yourself when all your hard work is undone.
Get your mad up, how bloody dare they trample over your boundaries. Block them and anyone else that they rope in to abuse you on their behalf.

Well, after that bloody message and with the background you've given I would reply. And it would be thank you for giving me some space. It's allowed me to see that my problem is you so we won't be talking again. Find someone else to help you. Don't contact me again.

I guess I am looking for views on whether that's reasonable for them to put a time limit on me "making up my mind”

Well no, it isn’t. Their expectation is that you will decide to go back to exactly how things were before, and the sooner the better. What if you “make up your mind” quickly as they ask, and your decision is to stop seeing them? They’re not going to be happy with that either are they?

I did something similar, told my parents I needed space. They contacted me, got nowhere, and then hassled my dh, who told them exactly what I’d said but they listened to him because he’s a man.

I realised how much better my life was without them in it, and realised that my kids didn’t need or miss them either. It’s been 10 years now. I only wish I’d done it sooner.

You take all the time you want.

You don’t need this toxic man in your life. I’m guessing it’s your father, because the lack of acknowledgement of your achievements hurts you, and this person is teaching your young son to see “participating in the running of a home” as “women’s work” and I can’t see a female relative doing much of that (it’s possible, sure.)

If I’m right, you have the extra burden of having been the Good Daughter™️. That’s hard to shake off internally - and it’s brilliant you’re doing so - with a massive added burden of it suiting everyone else in the family to keep you in that rôle. After all, if you’re dancing to Dad’s tune they don’t have to.

Guilt trips, filial duty, “it’s his way”, “he’s getting on in life”, etc etc - I’ve seen a good friend nearly crushed by that nonsense. “The children need their grandfather” - no, they really don’t if he’s teach them toxic rubbish and disrespecting their mother.

You don’t owe anyone your mental health. This relative has treated you badly and isn’t taking responsibility for that. You walking away is a consequence of their behaviour, not an arbitrary act of yours. You have a right to st your own boundaries.

Block, ignore, and all strength to you, OP

This person has treated you appallingly, and is damaging to your wellbeing. The are giving your children dangerous messages. They don't care a jot for your feelings or happiness. You are their punchbag.

You owe them nothing. Zilch.

You could decide never to speak to them again and you don't owe them an explanation.

The fact that they won't accept your request for space once again shows they have no respect for you or your feelings. It's all about them.

I would block them and their flying monkeys. They only want you back as their emotional punchbag. And please don't spend a moment thinking of their feelings. When did they ever think of yours?

I too would block them. Similar scenario for me, abusive relationship (H, tried to kill me,) 2nd DH M and siblings, always at their beck and call, although I worked FT with 4DKs some of them didn't work. They were HIS relatives though
He saw through them and their crap blocked them all 13 years ago

No, carry on, I don’t see what this person could bring to your life. They are now trying to guilt trip you and making it all about them.

@ErrmWTAF

**Before you accept a diagnosis of depression, first ensure you aren't surrounded by assholes"

Quote of the day for me.👏👏👏

Definitely stealing it.

OP, block them all and I bet you will feel so much better and your children will have tge joy of a happier mother.

They are as abusive as your ex. Don't let them in your life and certainly don't let them affect your children.

Block them. You owe them nothing. Don't allow the cruel and abusive words back into your life.

The relatives who are asking me to basically surrender all believe that we have a loving relationship and that I've simply turned my back for no good reason. I tried to tell a couple of them but they refuse to believe me. So I don't want to try any more with them.

I really am overwhelmed by your comments on my post - I don't know why I feel so good that people I've never met agree with me, but I do!

I've decided that no response is the right response. Replying saying anything just gives the opportunity for them to come back at me with more of the same and I've so enjoyed the last couple of weeks without that going on.

Tell the relatives that if they are so concerned you would be grateful if they could take over your role as you have your own problems to deal with atm. And then ignore them.

Good for you, OP.

I would block them, personally and anyone who refused to listen to me. How dare these relatives decide what your relationship with someone else is and refuse to listen to how you actually feel. It's utter arrogance on their part to decide they know best.

Agree with pp who suggest they simply don't want to get landed with doing all the crappy jobs with your difficult relative (father?).

They all sound a nightmare and you'll be happier simply focusing on yourself and your own family.

That is the power of silence.

Nothing tops it in my opinion, in this situation.

It cannot be argued with.

The peace you are experiencing is the result of you finally reclaiming your agency over your life.

How dare ANYONE tell you what your relationship is like.

I am so pleased that you feel supported, because you are 100% supported.

Keep posting.

It sounds as though your relatives don't know you very much. In this situation I think the blood relationship is irrelevant. If they aren't interested or supportive enough to find out your side of the story then their opinion on the situation is irrelevant. You could write and tell them why you feel the way you do but if they aren't supportive stuff them. You don't tell them how to live and they don't tell you how to live. Family is only an important concept when families support and stand by each other. You can disagree with each other but should still have each other's backs.

In these situations the best (but also rather hard) thing to do is simply be as respectfully honest about your own needs and thoughts and capabilities as you can be, and allow others to respond however they want to (including being annoyed or angry or rude etc), without their reaction making you feel obligated to do anything to soothe or fix the upset feelings they are having.

The reason this is hard is that when you do make a commitment to speaking your own truth, you may well be confronted with some very unpleasant and disrespectful responses from a variety of people (as you have discovered).

So you asked for space from a person you find toxic in your life and fairly predictably, after not very long this toxic person ignores your request for space, puts you down and starts demanding you start doing things for them (all at once!).

The honest and respectful response to them is: "I'm sorry to hear you're struggling to manage things without me. I've stepped back from our relationship because I feel that there's a long history of you disrespecting me and treating me as though my needs are secondary to yours, and that's not the way things work in healthy relationships. I'd like to have a healthy relationship with you in the future but I need to spend some time reflecting on what's gone wrong in the past, how those issues might be resolved and what I'm prepared to invest in our relationship in the future. I know waiting while I go through this process may be frustrating for you. If you would like to have the chance of a positive relationship in the future, I'd like you to respect what I've asked for and allow me to take all the time I need to work through what I need to. I can promise you I will come back to you when I feel sure about my position, but I'm afraid I can't tell you when or what that will be right now."

If they say they can't survive without your help, say, "I am not the only person who is capable of helping you with that, so you will need to find someone else for now."

Then just leave them deal with whatever feelings come up for them. They may well have some quite substantial problems to deal with in their life as as a consequence of relying on your support but not treating you supportively in return. But that is their problem to fix, not yours.

I think the right thing to do is to block this relative (mum?) and their flying monkeys. Is there a fairly neutral person you can speak to who will reliably feed back your version to the others?

Well done OP for stepping back and taking your space. I agree with all the other posters, don't feel you need to be back in contact or give a timescale or anything else.

I was in a similar situation and it took me ages, years, to hear my own voice. I started by writing a journal, then blogging, then could see what I was saying was very clear. Other people who didn't know me at all could understand what I was saying. So maybe the bits my family couldn't hear or understand weren't about me. Took me years to reach this realisation, then another seven years of blocking contact to be able to let down barriers slightly. I needed to focus on me - thats what I'm hearing from you too.

Well done you. Keep posting. It will feel unaccustomed and strange to keep your boundaries in place, but it will get to feel more familiar. And such a relief to be able to hear yourself and live life as you want.

Honestly.. just block this person. Life is too short to be made miserable by someone who is unhappy in their own life.

They earned the block by telling your child to tell you off for telling them to do chores around the house. “Women’s work.” Blocked with a capital B!

It’s unacceptable OP and you do not owe your time or help to any relative. Especially not one who treats you like dirt. Block all of them. Immediately.. as soon as you finish reading this thread get your fingers ready to do a swift job of blocking them. Clear out all that negativity before the holidays.

@Cherrysoup yes it is my mum unfortunately even though I can understand why people thought it might be my dad. I've never met my dad, just a string of stepdads.

Thank you for everyone who offered advice, I've decided over the past few days that I wont be going back with an explanation. All that would do is open me up to more hurt and pain, and I think the text was designed to provoke a reaction - any reaction, but a reaction none the less.

There has been so much stuff over the years that I couldn't even begin to post it but I just want to stay off the merry go round and keep myself mentally healthy

I agree with PP. I suppose from your mums point of view it cant be very nice to be kept hanging. I think it's ok for her to get in touch with you to tell you how she feel and what action she is taking. For example 'I'm finding it hard not knowing either way so I'm giving it another month and then if I've not heard from you I think it's best we go our separate ways'.

What's not acceptable is to call you names, put pressure on you to make a decision, try and manipulate you, make demands or send other people to do any of that for her, or continue to message you.

its been very difficult for them managing on their own without my help
Shame they pissed all over you while you were available & helping you then, innit?

and that they've had enough of this nonsense about me needing space and want me to text them back because I've had enough time.
Er ... no., that's not how "I need space" works.

If I asked you not to interrupt me while I was concentrating at work, would you randomly interrupt to ask if it was ok to interrupt me now?
Not unless you were 4 years old, or a dysfunctional, boundary crossing adult, no, you would not.

Listen up my dear - you are doing marvellously to recognise your relative's bullshit for what it is & call time on it.

They do NOT get to tell you when that time is up.

You can decide "never" btw.
They don't sound like a positive or safe influence around your child, & for you own sake, just reading your OP has made me want to scream at them to get to fuck.

You have put up with quite enough.
No example is definitely better than bad example.

Keep posting. You may decide you want to go NC - easy to write, less easy to enact.
But whatever you decide, there are plenty of PP's around who have been in your shoes, & can advise/handhold as you push through the next few days/weeks of your relative's nonsense.

I have been told that there's no apology on the cards - they think I am over reacting and being dramatic so I am not sure anything would change, and it could even get worse.

Bejaysus.

Well done on holding off on a reply.
Your most logical & effective response would be radio silence & BLOCK.

However, if you do this, expect an extinction burst - www.greenmountaindaily.com/2011/03/12/the-extinction-burst/

• but a short-tern discomfort may be preferable to the long-term arseache this relative is imposing on you - only you can decide.

I don't know why I feel so good that people I've never met agree with me, but I do!

It's because the relative who should love you has spent years undermining, invalidating & harrassing you. It's great when other people 'get' this dynamic, innit OP? :)
There are plenty of us about. You are not alone xx

Thank you for everyone who offered advice, I've decided over the past few days that I wont be going back with an explanation. All that would do is open me up to more hurt and pain, and I think the text was designed to provoke a reaction - any reaction, but a reaction none the less.

Congratulations, & embrace the power of silence!

It's really hard at the beginning OP, I was in turmoil for quite a while but it soon settles down. I chose the "Radio Silence" approach and it has worked for me, she is quite the gaslighter and no proper discussion as to her behaviour would have been entertained.

She attempted contact, a short while back, in the most bizarre and despicable way which, sadly, only highlighted that she hasn't changed a bit, still a master manipulator.

Would I ever break NC? Who knows, maybe someday but it would be a very different relationship because never again will I allow another human being to treat me as badly as she did.

I wish you well and promise you that it will get easier.