Should I raise this with my sister? If so, how?

[Unwantedsister]

I have always considered me and my sister to be close. We are only 2yrs apart in age and when we were younger (teenagers) I didn't have many friends (I was a geek!) and she welcomed me into her circle.
I became good friends with "her" friends - we have been on holidays, to each other's weddings etc. I see some of them outside the group dynamic, others not so much. We are in our 40's now.

However, over the past 3 or 4 years I have felt that my sister is trying to exclude me. She now does things with her 2 best friends and never, ever includes me. Tbh I have my own friends and life now and so I am happy to stand back if that's what she wants. It hurts that these people I considered friends do not appear bothered not to see me but I have always been someone on the outside of the group anyway. If I try to arrange to see everyone it never happens, my sister will always say she can't make it and because I suppose she is the linchpin no one else will then come. It is weird as it was never a problem before.

She also never arranges to see me or my DC (our DC are similar ages and get on well) but she always sees her in laws and the cousins on that side plus he friends. If I didn't go to see her or invite myself over I would never see her. She only messages me when she wants something (usually to piggyback on a present for someone). In the past two years she has been to my house twice (I know, Covid, but I try to see her once a month and drive to hers 30 miles away). It's like if I didn't try she wouldn't bother with me at all.

When we get together we get on well. I don't understand it.

The thing that has upset me today is that last Christmas I organised for our two families to go to a winter lights thing. We had a great time together and my DC badgered me to go again this year. She was evasive about going and wouldn't commit to a date (in fairness the tickets came out 3 months ago and who knew in August what they would be doing in November!) so it was never booked. I know I should have just booked for myself, kicking myself now.

Today she let slip in a group chat with my mum that she is going next weekend with her two best friends and their families. She must have known back in August that this was planned because the tickets sold out quickly. It hurts that me and my DC are being pushed away and she always puts her friends and in laws first.

I have never said anything to her about this. Should I say something? I feel like, if I have done something wrong I would rather know and also, am I just making an idiot of myself? Flogging a dead horse?

Hmm, sounds like she might have a bit of a problem but it’s odd that she you welcomed you into her friendship group but is now backtracking. Has anything happened between you?

Do you invite her to your house and does she come?

I do invite her but she is always too busy and never suggests alternative dates. She makes it feel like it is a huge hassle for her to come to mine but somehow it's easier for me to go to hers
One of her best friends lives around the corner from me and she doesn't even bother to drop round and say hello when she is passing.
The last time she came she came alone when my DC were expecting to see their cousins because her brother in law dropped by unexpectedly with his DC and so hers stayed behind to play with their cousins.

I have no idea why she is back tracking with the friendship group. She did it about 20 years ago for a little while when she was cheating on her then boyfriend and she didn't want me finding out but I very much doubt it is the same reason now.

Do you think I should just ask her?

@Unwantedsister

Do you think I should just ask her?

Well that would be one way to find out!

We don't know you or your sister, so you would be better off going with her answer.

It might depend on whether you actually want to know the answer. My guess is that your sister isn’t that bothered about maintaining a relationship with you unless you do the hard lifting. So then it will be down to how important you feel that your relationship to her is and whether you feel that it’s worth the effort for you and for your children to maintain contact with their cousins

Ok - I messaged her on WhatsApp. Not accusing, just asking whether there was a problem because I felt that I was always hassling her to meet up but she has plenty of time for her friends and in laws.
Blue ticks for 25 mins and no reply.

I think if there was no problem there would be an instant reply of - of course not, plonker! Just taking the sibling thing for granted... etc.

So, yeah, I guess I there is a problem.

Yes, I think I do want the answer.

I am probably having a mid life crisis but I have reached the point where I don't want to be around people that drag me down - I feel like a pain and a burden to my sister. I don't want to feel that way. I want to be around people who make me feel good and vice versa.

Life is too short to be chasing after people who don't feel the same way. I have so many good people in my life.

Back in 1996 (I'm putting the year in as this was before emails, social media etc) my mother went back to Australia (my home country). I have two brothers, one older, one younger, like myself they were in the UK.

We all knew Christmas 1995 that my mother was going back. I remember looking at us all together on that Christmas Day thinking "After mum goes I will rarely/never see either of you again"...my younger brother disappeared not long after my mother left, didn't keep in touch to the point that I was so worried I had to report him to the Police as a missing person...turns out he was living at the other end of the country. In 2001 - and I hadn't see him in all that time - he went back to Australia himself.

Older brother? Much the same story. He moved away, still in the UK, but I never had any contact unless I initiated it myself. After he behaved badly at my wedding in 2001 I gave up...I've not seen him since. He's also very bad at keeping in touch with my mother.

You are right, life is too short to chase after people who don't care, even if they are family.

Forgot to add that to raise the money for his airplane ticket to Australia, my younger brother slept rough for 3 weeks...at the time, I was living in a 3 bedroom house with my husband. All he would have had to do is make a phone call to my mother and we could have arranged for him to stay with us before he went.

Hmm, tricky.

It sounds like you'd like to be closer than you are, and she's not too fussed.

Have your lives/interests moved away from each others in the last few years? Do you get on very well when you're together?

And I must ask...are your children well behaved?

I don't think you can be cross with her not inviting you to things with her 2 best friends. She's entitled to a separate social life if that's what she wants.

Just ask her. Or leave it and distance yourself. That’s the decision. If I knew my sister wanted to go to an event and had asked me, I wouldnt have sneakily booked to go with someone else.

Yeah, the stuff with her friends is fine - I understand she doesn't want me around them and I said in my message I will not message or meet up with them. It is a shame because I do like them but I would rather a relationship with my sister.

@noirchatsdeux I get the feeling that once my mum has gone it will be the end of our relationship. I think my sister maintains the little contact we have to keep her happy.

My DC are as well behaved as my niece and nephew - the children get on well together. I feel I barely know my niece and nephew. I only really see them in school holidays because I am rarely allowed to visit at weekends.

That's the strange part, when we do meet up we get on well and you wouldn't think there was an issue. I think we are just way down her pecking order.

She has replied. Denied there is a problem, just said they are just busy people and to suggest a date for her and her family to come over because her DH and my niece and nephew have not seen my kitchen extension (that was done pre Covid, I hadn't even remembered that they have not seen it yet). Very defensive, she trawled back through our messages to see when she suggested we meet - all things with my mum/ for mum's birthday months ago. I think I have hit a nerve.

The busy thing - my sister has not worked in over a decade. I work PT since having the children but I make time for my family and if she wanted to she could too.

We shall see what happens.

@TonkinLenkicks she claims she invited me. I know she didn't but I don't want to be the petty person who goes back screen shotting messages. I think it will inflame things.

I think you need to take
A step back now. Let her address what you have talked about. If she doesn’t then you will know the truth. Good on you for being upfront xx

Just leave it now. She knows how you feel.

Step back and dont be so available to her anymore.

Focus on the people that value you.

Sympathy as my sister is a piece of work.

I guess it's good that she trawled back through messages, as if she wasn't doing this on purpose she may now realise that you have a point?

I’m sorry it sounds like you’re just not a priority for her, she has a list of people she would like to spend time with and you seem to be low down, in the “obligation” category. I think you have to respect that and focus on other relationships, it will just push her further away if you keep chasing.

@Unwantedsister you’re so right. Leave it now but start disengaging. Changes are she’ll feel a bit of a tit.

I really feel for you on this! I’m in the same position, I’d like a much closer relationship, the cousins really love each other but don’t get to see each other very much, I make time, I do all the inviting. It really hurts and is sad. I think my sister in law doesn’t like us, or just really prioritises her friends and her family, and makes the plans like that and they don’t have time and she definitely considers us on the obligation list. They are genuinely very busy, so if we’re say, 7th down their list, we don’t get to see them. But I would put them first on MY list, you know?
I feel for you, it really hurts. You sound lovely and thoughtful, it’s such a shame but it is her loss.

I stopped inviting to see what would happen. We haven’t seen them for months and months. I know from Instagram they’ve done lots of social stuff in that time. What can you do? If people want to invites and spend time and priories you then they will. Sibling reasons can be so complicated. People are complicated. Who knows why they feel differently about you than you do about them? You may never know.

Maybe she does feel jealous of you. Sounds like you are doing your best, but she can’t reciprocate.

Maybe visit her once every couple of months and instead put your efforts in to your friends.

You sound lovely (tho it’s your side of the story!) and she sounds a bit of a knob.

@userwhatever01 of course, she probably has a completely different story and I doubt she is jealous of me - it is definitely the other way around!

@SquarePeggyLeggy yes, it's just sad. I feel sad that my DC won't have a good relationship with their only cousins and I really want to be an involved auntie. My niece was the first one born and for the two years it was just her I spent so much time with her, babysat etc. I feel things changed a bit when I had my eldest and had PND, I kind of think I became less useful and so discarded. I was a miserable cow back then which wouldn't have helped 😂 but I felt things were ok for a while and now we are here.
I tried not inviting or arranging and we went months without seeing each other. I think she feels the group chat with my mum where we share photos of the DC etc is enough and maybe that is for her.

I'm sorry op. It really sounds like she's taken a step back from you, which is incredibly hurtful.

It is unclear from her reply whether she is in denial, or covering her arse.

I agree with pp. Stop making an effort, see what happens.

How hurtful for you, OP. I’d be really upset and sad too and feeling weird about everything. Yes, it seems you probably have touched a nerve if she’s become defensive. I also don’t like the whole “Well we’re busy people” thing, like the world me his dog are just lazy arses sitting around and trying to arrange meet ups because we have nothing better to do and tonnes of time on our hands! 🤨
In your shoes I would try to let go of her. Easier said than done, but it seems like she’s not interested in putting in the effort to maintain an active friendship with you. Gently peel away and do your own thing and find happiness elsewhere. Who knows, one day she might just realise what an arse she’s being and try to reach out to you. Until then, focus on your own family and do things with others who make you happy.