Should I raise this with my sister? If so, how?

[Unwantedsister]

I have always considered me and my sister to be close. We are only 2yrs apart in age and when we were younger (teenagers) I didn't have many friends (I was a geek!) and she welcomed me into her circle.
I became good friends with "her" friends - we have been on holidays, to each other's weddings etc. I see some of them outside the group dynamic, others not so much. We are in our 40's now.

However, over the past 3 or 4 years I have felt that my sister is trying to exclude me. She now does things with her 2 best friends and never, ever includes me. Tbh I have my own friends and life now and so I am happy to stand back if that's what she wants. It hurts that these people I considered friends do not appear bothered not to see me but I have always been someone on the outside of the group anyway. If I try to arrange to see everyone it never happens, my sister will always say she can't make it and because I suppose she is the linchpin no one else will then come. It is weird as it was never a problem before.

She also never arranges to see me or my DC (our DC are similar ages and get on well) but she always sees her in laws and the cousins on that side plus he friends. If I didn't go to see her or invite myself over I would never see her. She only messages me when she wants something (usually to piggyback on a present for someone). In the past two years she has been to my house twice (I know, Covid, but I try to see her once a month and drive to hers 30 miles away). It's like if I didn't try she wouldn't bother with me at all.

When we get together we get on well. I don't understand it.

The thing that has upset me today is that last Christmas I organised for our two families to go to a winter lights thing. We had a great time together and my DC badgered me to go again this year. She was evasive about going and wouldn't commit to a date (in fairness the tickets came out 3 months ago and who knew in August what they would be doing in November!) so it was never booked. I know I should have just booked for myself, kicking myself now.

Today she let slip in a group chat with my mum that she is going next weekend with her two best friends and their families. She must have known back in August that this was planned because the tickets sold out quickly. It hurts that me and my DC are being pushed away and she always puts her friends and in laws first.

I have never said anything to her about this. Should I say something? I feel like, if I have done something wrong I would rather know and also, am I just making an idiot of myself? Flogging a dead horse?

My brother is like this, to the point where I'm not going to his 50th birthday party because he's made it impossible for me to go (banned children, holding it on a Friday a two hour drive away, starting it at 6.30pm when we can't get there before then so would have to go to my mum's empty house, feed the children's and out them to bed and then just one of us actually go to the party...).
It's really hurtful but for me this has been the final straw. He doesn't care about me, he's not bothered if I'm at his big birthday party or not (yes I've spoken to him, he doesn't care), and although he loves my kids he's too selfish to change his plans even sightly to allow them to go to the party for a couple of hours.
I've taken a step back and told my mum why. She's gutted, she really wants be there and gas spoken to him but he won't budge. He genuinely doesn't care if I'm not there.
I'm going low contact with him now and trying to heal from the hurt. Id suggest you do the same as this will never be the relationship you want.

Tbh I think she preferred it when you were the hanger on.. Prob made her look good she let you hang with her friends.
When you became welcome in your own right she panicked you would be the more popular sister...
So she moved on and left you behind..

Imo.

Agree, leave it now, she knows how you feel.

It's good advice to be less available. Not to the point of cutting off your nose to spite your face but one of those weeks when you're tired after a week of work and home, just rest up instead of ''making time'' for her.

Let it unfold.

@zurala you are probably right, this will never be the relationship I want and I should stop wasting my energy on it.

She has sent messages to me and my mum today to organise a meal and a pantomime trip (which she has already booked tickets for and is going with her in laws). It hasn't made me feel better, in fact I feel worse as now I just think she is doing it because she feels forced to and not because she actually wants to (because if she wanted to she already would have done it, iyswim, she wants to go with her in laws and not us).

I sound so difficult to please, but I am honestly not!

Just tell her that you have pushed the relationship for too long. If she wants a relationship with you and your family then she needs to lead it.

Then sit back and see if she contacts you. If she makes plans go along. But don't make any arrangements yourself.

I can see this really hurts and that she just hasn't tried. And I understand why you feel so down about it.
But.
She has made an attempt, however much it is because you reached out and told her how you felt. She may have done it because she accepted that. Or She may have done it because she felt guilty.
Either way, it is an olive branch and having asked for that, it would be churlish to turn it down if you really want to meet her halfway.
The only thing that will happen if you do turn it down is that she will be able to say "Well I offered and she still didn't want to come" and then she will not offer again.
This is clearly not something that will be a quick fix as you feel so sad about it. But give it a try.
If after that she reverts back to being offish again, then you are justified in saying, I told you how I felt and you made a partial effort but then it was business as usual.
Its easy to feel unwanted when you are feeling down and family are the last people one should have to put on a good show for but I do think that there is some truth in the saying Fake it Until you make it.. and perhaps this might help smooth things along here. I'm not saying you have to put on a good show for her, but try to see it in a positive light for yourself. At least give it a shot.
In addition, is there anyone you could talk to about how you are feeling. Is it just the issue with your sister or do you feel down in general... can you plan some nice things just for yourself and your family, or spend more time with people who do make you feel good? because then it would dilute the issue with your sister. Its not easy but I do wish you the best of luck.

What did she say when you said that you wouldn't message her friends?

Yes, I have accepted the invitation to the pantomime and meal and booked tickets as close to them as possible.

I do have friends in my life and am very lucky but this just gnaws away at me.

She did not comment on the bits about me not contacting her friends.

Which I take as meaning that's what she wants me to do.

(Sorry, posted too soon).

Just to say sorry OP, it's very upsetting when a family member or close friend goes cold on you. It's possible she'll come 'back ' in the future but not guaranteed. I'm in a similar position and I've just been focusing on my own life. I can't force someone to like or want to spend time with me.

People are weird and it doesn't sound like yoirbr done anything wrong or that there is anything much you can do at the moment.

I think this is hurtful behaviour. She’s very entitled. Isn’t she lucky to have two best friends so she doesn’t need you. She’s treating you badly. You can be my sister. I’d love one like you. Know your worth. Stop chasing her. She doesn’t deserve you