Page 3 | Ex boyfriend still attending places I go too, Im getting angrier

Pipsy1980 · 2021-11-18T12:08:42+00:00

Hello, I need your help and thinking am I over reacting to this or just sensitive, not too sure what to think really as its starting to affect me. I broke up with my ex, which was up and down emotional rollercoaster relationship 2 months ago and he lives about an hour away from me. I have moved back to my home town after living with him and feel more relaxed and myself. However, in those 2 months, he has attended pretty much 6 times a running event I go to which is local to me and my running club which he knows I was joining. We use to go running all the time where he lived and attending one here too and he use to attend events before he met me and he knows this is my neck of the woods too. So lately he goes to these events, an hour from him and 5 mins near my home. I dont go to them for fear of seeing him as it makes me really nervous and on edge.. as I see him on their facebook page attending...he has run about x4 5k runs, a half marathon in a case of a week next to a marathon 3 days later, its just mental. The problem here is its making me feel nervous and angry, more angry and upset, my thinking how dare you keep coming over here its like to prove he can do these runs so I can see him. I have blocked him 2 months ago and he tried to reach out, he knows this is the only way to connect or see me through this place but its like any event he goes to he, he is going to attend, but its more extreme. He wont come up to me, because on the times I am there I have someone with me, but its just he makes me angry and upset, is this normal? I feel he just needs to go back to his home town and find events there, there are hundreds of 5ks, half marathons etc....he knows too that I love them and its my local...I feel he has this annoying control emotionally over me, thats my weakness around him but he never sees this and I wont let him. Sorry rant over but I was ok until I see him attending...!! thank you for reading..

Original poster

Pipsy1980 · 18/11/2021 21:08

The reason why its a little nervy for me, is because he followed me a few times when we split, and turned up on his own following myself an family whilst we were walking the dog the day after we split up...he has been in contact so had to block him, and yes he tried to speak to me at these events but didnt due to my family/friends being there so I knew he would want too but what works is when I go with someone and that does make me feel more secure, its his behaviour and he can be unstable and emotional when we split so just protecting my own reactions really. I guess i have never had this before and I cant help feel the way I do, I am not getting him done for harrassment, I just wanted to vent how I felt and that was all.

OP posts:

Monalotmoore · 18/11/2021 21:12

Don't get me wrong, if this is just the latest in a sustained pattern then obviously that's a concern. But from what you describe it doesn't seem to be the case. What's the betting he starts dating someone else at the group?

EarthSight · 18/11/2021 21:34

@TheFoundations

It's up to him where he goes and what he does. It's up to you to handle your emotions. Either learn not to care, or attend a different club. If you feel he's risky, don't be alone around him. It's not his gubbins to avoid places where you are. He can act weird if he wants. There's no rules, aside from the law.

@TheFoundations Odd response. Have you come over here from Reddit?

As far as I'm aware, it is against the law to stalk someone. He could just be going to the clubs he wants, he could just be doing it to annoy her and will tire out eventually, but women do need to keep things like stalking in mind.

Don't be alone with him?? I'm sure the OP has no plans to, but do you think stalked/harassed women can always avoid being alone with someone who's following them around?

Monalotmoore · 18/11/2021 21:40

Woman also need to keep things in perspective and not equate any action they dislike in a man as stalking. I'm surprised nobody has called him a rapist in waiting yet. Give it time...

Original poster

Pipsy1980 · 18/11/2021 21:41

@Monalotmoore

Don't get me wrong, if this is just the latest in a sustained pattern then obviously that's a concern. But from what you describe it doesn't seem to be the case. What's the betting he starts dating someone else at the group?

that actually wouldnt surprise me!!

OP posts:

Inthewainscoting · 18/11/2021 21:41

So have I got this right

you belong to your local running club (is it UKA affiliated btw?)

exBF also belongs to it - despite living two counties away

he is taking part in events in your area

even though there are many events in his own county (unless it's an odd branch of running, I know both counties and neither are AT ALL short of events)

he was a bit stalky even before he was an ex

and now you're worried

If I've got anything wrong there then put me right...

You could start off by going to the events you want to go to - as if you would if you'd heard he was in hospital with a broken leg.
If he ignores you all well and good.
If he comes up to you and doesn't piss off when you say, "I don't want to talk to you, please leave me alone"...

A) see if you can get a few clubmates to back you up, in a "look mate, it's over, what part of 'leave her alone' are you not getting?" way

B) stay calm, stand your ground, if necessary walk away with a couple of friends. There are loads of people at running events so being alone with him shouldn't ever be an issue.

If he stops turning up or, at least, ignores you absolutely and completely at all events, all good.

If not then talk to the club safeguarding officer, as most clubs have a policy that "everyone has the right to enjoy their sport in an environment free from the threat of intimidation, harassment and abuse", and explain how you feel harassed and intimidated.

I'm assuming here he isn't violent. If you genuinely think different then it's a no brainer, be somewhere he isn't.

Good luck OP.

Original poster

Pipsy1980 · 18/11/2021 21:50

@Inthewainscoting

So have I got this right

you belong to your local running club (is it UKA affiliated btw?)

exBF also belongs to it - despite living two counties away

he is taking part in events in your area

even though there are many events in his own county (unless it's an odd branch of running, I know both counties and neither are AT ALL short of events)

he was a bit stalky even before he was an ex

and now you're worried

If I've got anything wrong there then put me right...

You could start off by going to the events you want to go to - as if you would if you'd heard he was in hospital with a broken leg.
If he ignores you all well and good.
If he comes up to you and doesn't piss off when you say, "I don't want to talk to you, please leave me alone"...

A) see if you can get a few clubmates to back you up, in a "look mate, it's over, what part of 'leave her alone' are you not getting?" way

B) stay calm, stand your ground, if necessary walk away with a couple of friends. There are loads of people at running events so being alone with him shouldn't ever be an issue.

If he stops turning up or, at least, ignores you absolutely and completely at all events, all good.

If not then talk to the club safeguarding officer, as most clubs have a policy that "everyone has the right to enjoy their sport in an environment free from the threat of intimidation, harassment and abuse", and explain how you feel harassed and intimidated.

I'm assuming here he isn't violent. If you genuinely think different then it's a no brainer, be somewhere he isn't.

Good luck OP.

Hi ,so yes I belong to this club as its my local and they carry out events in the same area, always the same spot, he is not a member no but he can come to events as he joined one event with me when we saw one another but mentioned he would never go again as it would be weird etc...and yes before we broke up, he was indeed following me, looking at my phone, calling many times a day if I was not at home or around to pick up, so this is why I am on edge..you are right with what you have said. I left him because I felt suffocated, controlled and he hated me seeing my friends, family too.

I do like what you have written here as someone else said let the club events manager and your running club team know more as he is going to every one and could be determined to speak to you at least once, but if he does come up, I will have a word and then see what happens...its just that I hope it doesnt happen. he is just unpredictable and was unstable when together....but thank you thats helped.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/11/2021 22:39

@Mayorquimby2

Amazing to see the man being called the controlling stalker here 😂😂😂

To be fair I do think him being there sounds unsettling for OP at best, based on this:

but for me its just because he was very nasty when we split, he was following me home most nights before we split and after and he was controlling so my antennae is up with him and he just basically makes me feel anxious

Namechanger20183110 · 18/11/2021 23:07

"Get a grip" - I'm sure people said those very same words to Molly McLaren

billy1966 · 18/11/2021 23:59

He sounds awful and you are wise to be wary.

Nasty, controlling, checking your phone, following you?

All the actions of someone to be wary of.

What a pity people have to be so snide.

I think @Inthewainscoting has given good advice.

You do not have to accept this behaviour.

If you continue to feel nervous of him, call 101 and report him.

Your safety is your priority.

Original poster

Pipsy1980 · 19/11/2021 06:37

@billy1966

He sounds awful and you are wise to be wary.

Nasty, controlling, checking your phone, following you?

All the actions of someone to be wary of.

What a pity people have to be so snide.

I think @Inthewainscoting has given good advice.

You do not have to accept this behaviour.

If you continue to feel nervous of him, call 101 and report him.

Your safety is your priority.

thank you v much...

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 19/11/2021 09:16

How about taking a break from this club for a couple of months, and then going back? If he really is doing this to piss you off, he'll get fed up with making the long journey every time when he realises you're not even there to notice.

Is there anybody in the club you could ask to let you know if there's a change in his attendance pattern? If you don't go for a bit, and suddenly after a few weeks he vanishes, it will be a) clear what's been going on and b) over, and well managed on your part. If he's still going regardless of your attendance, then you will at least know it's not because he's stalking you, and then you can make a more informed decision about whether this is still the club for you.

PlasticOrchid · 19/11/2021 10:47

Would it be worth contacting the Suzy Lamplugh Trust for some advice?

www.suzylamplugh.org/pages/category/national-stalking-helpline

Original poster

Pipsy1980 · 19/11/2021 11:33

@TheFoundations

How about taking a break from this club for a couple of months, and then going back? If he really is doing this to piss you off, he'll get fed up with making the long journey every time when he realises you're not even there to notice.

Is there anybody in the club you could ask to let you know if there's a change in his attendance pattern? If you don't go for a bit, and suddenly after a few weeks he vanishes, it will be a) clear what's been going on and b) over, and well managed on your part. If he's still going regardless of your attendance, then you will at least know it's not because he's stalking you, and then you can make a more informed decision about whether this is still the club for you.

Thank you, thats a good piece of advice and perhaps this is what I will do!!

OP posts:

Newestname002 · 19/11/2021 13:52

@TheFoundations

How about taking a break from this club for a couple of months, and then going back? If he really is doing this to piss you off, he'll get fed up with making the long journey every time when he realises you're not even there to notice.

Is there anybody in the club you could ask to let you know if there's a change in his attendance pattern? If you don't go for a bit, and suddenly after a few weeks he vanishes, it will be a) clear what's been going on and b) over, and well managed on your part. If he's still going regardless of your attendance, then you will at least know it's not because he's stalking you, and then you can make a more informed decision about whether this is still the club for you.

In the meantime try doing something equally enjoyable but which doesn't bring you anywhere near him? Eg: Zumba, pilates, yoga, swimming, indoor skiing, indoor climbing... Don't let him narrow your life any further. Good luck OP. 🌹

Teatimes2 · 19/11/2021 13:57

OP, I have a thread going which, although slightly different, is similar. We met in a running club, broke up earlier this year, he has returned and I haven't yet as, although I'm doing well now, I can't face seeing him or knowing what he's doing. I miss it but I haven't made a decision yet whether to return or not, but am staying away for the moment as I feel that's what's best for me.