Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Red flag or self sabotage. Advice needed

47 replies

Ohnowhy2 · 18/11/2021 10:49

I have matched with a guy via OLD. He has good chat, but not my typical guy looks wise. We had quite a few text chats on Saturday night and agreed to meet for a drink early evening Sunday. My plan was to drive and be home in a few hours.

We met at 5pm and the conversation flowed. Again not too sure I fancied him on first sight, but good chat. We then ended up going for dinner in a lovely restaurant and more drinks. He paid, despite me offering ti split it. I felt a spark.

Over the last few days he has texted lots. Good for getting to know each other and we have a date set up this afternoon. Fairly normal for people who have a spark. I am fairly sure it’s not love bombing. This guy seems to have his shit together - rare find OlD in your 40s

Red flag - he sent a text yesterday saying he doesn’t date multiple people and has come off OLD as he want to get to know me. Yesterday I said I was busy at work, but he still double texted me few if I hadn’t answered within the hour. He has also said he feels a spark and hopes I do too. There is no guessing after the date if he likes me or not, he was upfront. But not in a creepy, controlling way. Just refreshing.

He seems keen, and genuine. Flirty texts, but not crude. He listens to me as we are going to a place I mentioned.

I am not used to this, as the last person I dated love bombed me and after we got into a relationship hardly went out and texts reduced. I always felt anxious if he liked me at the start as he was very closed off. I also have a habit of running away when someone is interested in me.

Basically so don’t know if his keenness is a red flag or I am not used to a nice guy chasing me. I am very suspicious of his motives. But again that’s learned behaviour from me as been burnt in the past.

Also this guy as a good job, house etc. in a lovely part of town. Luxury holidays etc. I know what he does as have mutual friends in his field of work. Feel a bit second class as my flat is a bit run down and not in the nice part of town. Do have a good job tho.

Talk sense into me to not freak out

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 18/11/2021 11:04

Respect your feelings. They are your boundaries, and they're there for a reason. Over-ride them and over-ride your soul, your heart.

This isn't about who's right or wrong; if you're thinking 'red flag?' after 1 date, this is not the relationship for you. Either he isn't trustworthy, or you're not ready. Being told 'You're being silly' won't make your feelings go away, it will just make you feel like a fool for having them, and that's nobody's goal.

category12 · 18/11/2021 11:08

Seems a bit quick, so it could be the start of lovebombing.

What did you say when he said he's closing his OLD?

Continuing to text when you've said you're busy at work isn't great - yet you kept responding? Don't do that, you need to keep your stated boundaries. If you've said you're busy, don't reply until after work.

Getting to a healthier place isn't just about finding someone who respects your boundaries, but about maintaining them yourself.

Viddy2021 · 18/11/2021 11:09

I agree with PP and would just add that saying he's come off the apps after one date may be a red flag - or just awkwardness. Time will tell. And if he's worth it, he won't care about your home being less glam than his and should make you feel at ease with this. Good luck!

AnaViaSalamanca · 18/11/2021 11:22

Trust your instincts. Everyone is different but I personally think this is way too much too fast.

category12 · 18/11/2021 11:22

It's kind of like a test that goes both ways - you say something like "sorry, won't be able to chat much today, I've got loads of meetings on, but I'll catch up with you after work.."

and he continues texting all the same, clearly expecting responses, then he's telling you something concerning about himself
if you continue to respond, you're rewarding him ignoring what you said, which is telling him something about you (that your boundaries are weak)
if you don't respond until after work, and he gets stroppy in the meantime, you have learnt something even more important about him.

Original poster

Ohnowhy2 · 18/11/2021 11:36

Thanks all. I am being wary. He has come off OLD as he says he is traditional. He was married and only started doing OLD a year or so ago and couldn’t get his head around dating multiple at same time.

I am unsure if he is playing a game or genuine. Regards the texts I didn’t answer him till after. It wasn’t loads of double texts.

Keenness not used to

OP posts:

Original poster

Ohnowhy2 · 18/11/2021 11:37

@category12 I told him good to know. Didn’t really elaborate. What else can you say … don’t put your eggs in one basket

OP posts:

TheFoundations · 18/11/2021 11:44

I am unsure if he is playing a game or genuine

When the person is right and you are in the right place to start a relationship, this confusion won't even enter your head.

Original poster

Ohnowhy2 · 18/11/2021 11:47

@TheFoundations I agree it shouldn’t, but I know myself and run at the first sign of interest. It easy so far with him. My heart is telling me go with the flow, but my head is saying he is just another guy playing a game.

OP posts:

awesomekilick · 18/11/2021 11:58

Give the man a break! It's way too soon to judge. See him again. You have time as does he to see if it works out.

It must be very hard for a decent man to show he's decent, these days. And I say that as someone with a low opinion of most men.

TheFoundations · 18/11/2021 11:59

There's a reason your heart and your head say different things. Respect that; listen to that; work out why that happens. Don't try to start a relationship until they say the same thing: 'yes'.

Successful relationships don't come out of 'game player' coming into your head from the off. You don't trust him. There's no should or shouldn't. That's just how you feel. You can't change it, so, with regard to this relationship, you can either back away, or get into a relationship with somebody you didn't trust from the get go.

Your heart is telling you to go with the flow because it loves the idea of the romance. Respect all of what you feel, not just the pink fluffy glittery bit. Respect the unsure feeling, respect the discomfort, respect the suspicion.

Your basic question is 'Should I start a relationship with someone I've met once and don't trust?' You're not in a romance novel; this is real life, and having a relationship with someone you don't trust is painful at every step, regardless of whether you are right not to trust them.

Why do you care so much after such a short period? Just move on.

category12 · 18/11/2021 12:00

I'd just see how you feel after today's date.

NewSB · 18/11/2021 12:06

There’s no pressure on you to do anything. He’s come off the sites and been clear that is what works for him. As you know you run at the first sight of interest can you agree the next three dates- maybe dinner/drinks or an activity, and commit to doing them and then see how you feel? That way all the pressure is off. You’re doing the dates regardless and you’ll have had time to know if this is a good match for you.

Notthesamegirl · 18/11/2021 12:12

It was just one date - you know nothing about each other. I’m all for ‘trust your gut, listen to your feelings’ but isn’t it too early to make final decisions? How about trusting YOURSELF that whichever way this situation unfolds after a few dates, when you have a clearer idea who he is, you’ll be able to make a more informed decision then? Unless you feel you won’t be able to step away from something that doesn’t meet your needs. In that case, stop dating and work on yourself until you are ready.

DeJaDont · 18/11/2021 12:27

I'm with @awesomekilick on this. By your own admission you are struggling with thrust and boundary issues. He hasn't actually done anything wrong apart from being honest and open and upfront with you. You don't know him but he also doesn't know you. I see absolutely no harm in seeing him again. BUT before you go into it have a talk with yourself and write down what your boundaries actually are. Then reinforce them absolutely. You don't really have anything to lose. You can tell him you want to go slowly if the second date works out and if at any time he doesn't respect your lives in the sand then just bin him off.

YukoandHiro · 18/11/2021 12:31

Very good advice from @category12

Riverlee · 18/11/2021 12:40

Regarding the texting, maybe explain that when you at work, you can’t always respond to texts straight away. If he continues you to bombard you with texts,or gets huffy about this, then maybe a red flag.

I quite often will glance at a text, to check it’s nothing important, but not respond until the evening.

He seems keen. Enjoy your date. Don’t overthink things (but also trust your instinct).

Munchkinpumpkin · 18/11/2021 12:49

Maybe he is just really into you so enjoy it.. tbf my OH was same in beginning and it really threw me, same like you, turns out he just really liked me.. and i was very lucky

firsttimedad79 · 18/11/2021 12:56

It's not uncommon to focus on one person at a time while dating.

I did it. Couldn't see myself seeing multiple people. It kind of felt like being unfaithful in a way.

Doesn't mean the love bombing is coming, it could just be a feeling like that :)

bathsh3ba · 18/11/2021 12:56

I personally wouldn't be concerned by his telling you he's come off OLD. If he was pressuring you to do it too, that might be a red flag.

However I'm more concerned about him not listening to you saying you can't text at work.

I would probably go on one more date and make my mind up from there.

Jk987 · 18/11/2021 13:02

Go on a few more dates before you decide whether this is a red flag but date other people too. Tell him you like him but it's too soon to come off OLD and there's no need for him to either. He might just be over keen. Say you want to be a bit cautious - this should slow him down a bit. If not, next!

Salayes · 18/11/2021 14:22

I think when you’ve had bad experiences it can make you more wary and more prone to feeling anxious or worrying about things going bad. Which is a good thing, but there can be times where your anxiety is not warranted. Some people do this sort of thing as a love bombing thing, others it’s not with that sort of intention. So for me, i’d make note of something like this I wasn’t sure about and then see how it developed.

I would not immediately decide that my head and heart must be 100% aligned or it’s a big no - because sometimes previous experiences can make current more innocent ones feel more unsettling.

Also if you’ve been lovebombed and burned in that sort of way it can be quite hard to tell the difference between healthy keenness and someone being really into you and the unhealthy lovebomb thing - as early on they can look and feel similar.

TokyoSushi · 18/11/2021 14:27

It does sound a little much, but I wouldn't write it off just yet. Go today and see how you get on.

Fruitandnuts · 18/11/2021 14:43

You have nothing to lose by going on a few more dates. I met someone OLD and after the very 1st date, he just said 'i like you can i see you again' , i was surprised after the sh*t show of men i'd been on dates with, the ghosting etc. I could have seen this as a red flag but i actually liked his confidence and ability to put himself up for rejection as we only had a coffee date.
We kissed on the 3rd date and i didn't really feel anything! I rang my sister after the date and explained the kiss was awkward, she actually helped me to realise i should give him a few more dates. I was confused as others who had went on to ghost me had been full of butterflies after a kiss. By the 4th date in conversation he just said he had deleted his dating profile, there was no pressure on me too. I logged in a few days later and saw that he was truthful but i was still abit wary. I just kept things at my pace. Took each week at a time, the kisses are now amazing and im glad i gave him a chance, we've been together over a year now. Just explain to him you are busy at work, cant text all the time and give him a few more dates. Then see, nothing is set in stone. He seems like he's upfront, you dont know him yet but all you can do is give it a few more dates and if you still feel nothing make a decision. I hope this helps

Original poster

Ohnowhy2 · 18/11/2021 16:50

Thanks all. Just back from the second date. It was a cinema date, then some food. During the date wasn’t too sure I fancied him. Conversation was good, but we work in similar fields, so work chat. Did try and steer it away from that.

He seemed nervous, so may give it a good few dates. He kissed me at the end, but a cinema car park was not really the place to snog him full on. I did make a joke on that.

Kiss was lovely and he has asked to see me again. He has suggested next week and the following weekend! Tried to secure 2 dates in a row!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2