Red flag or self sabotage. Advice needed

[Ohnowhy2]

I have matched with a guy via OLD. He has good chat, but not my typical guy looks wise. We had quite a few text chats on Saturday night and agreed to meet for a drink early evening Sunday. My plan was to drive and be home in a few hours.

We met at 5pm and the conversation flowed. Again not too sure I fancied him on first sight, but good chat. We then ended up going for dinner in a lovely restaurant and more drinks. He paid, despite me offering ti split it. I felt a spark.

Over the last few days he has texted lots. Good for getting to know each other and we have a date set up this afternoon. Fairly normal for people who have a spark. I am fairly sure it’s not love bombing. This guy seems to have his shit together - rare find OlD in your 40s

Red flag - he sent a text yesterday saying he doesn’t date multiple people and has come off OLD as he want to get to know me. Yesterday I said I was busy at work, but he still double texted me few if I hadn’t answered within the hour. He has also said he feels a spark and hopes I do too. There is no guessing after the date if he likes me or not, he was upfront. But not in a creepy, controlling way. Just refreshing.

He seems keen, and genuine. Flirty texts, but not crude. He listens to me as we are going to a place I mentioned.

I am not used to this, as the last person I dated love bombed me and after we got into a relationship hardly went out and texts reduced. I always felt anxious if he liked me at the start as he was very closed off. I also have a habit of running away when someone is interested in me.

Basically so don’t know if his keenness is a red flag or I am not used to a nice guy chasing me. I am very suspicious of his motives. But again that’s learned behaviour from me as been burnt in the past.

Also this guy as a good job, house etc. in a lovely part of town. Luxury holidays etc. I know what he does as have mutual friends in his field of work. Feel a bit second class as my flat is a bit run down and not in the nice part of town. Do have a good job tho.

Talk sense into me to not freak out

Seems promising

Ah this sounds nice. Take it slow and see what happens and remember it’s ok to question things and watch out for red flags, but also trust yourself that you know your boundaries and you’ll exit if it isn’t right for you in any way.

Ah. I think he is keen and not love bombing from
The last few messages. Said he can meet on Sunday as well as other 2 days. Planned nexts Fridays date and is thinking of Wednesday - think he is angling for an invite round he is not getting.

Then said he is sorry every other week end is with his daughter, but once I meet her it will be easier!!!

I told him to relax let’s go with the flow!

It's too early to say it is or isn't lovebombing.

And far too early to be talking about you meeting his kid.

@category12 definitely too early. I was thinking more like 6+ months later.

He has already booked a table for next Fridays date.

TBH, talking like that so soon is something that should set off a potential lovebombing alert.

@category12 I shall be wary. Still on the side of being keen. But we shall give it a few more dates.

Still wary that I am used to guys not being that proactive

The second date sounded nice and it's great when a man takes the initiative to plan to see you ahead of time - he does really like you. The meeting his daughter comment was awkward. Question: what's his track record? Divorced for how long? Has he had serious relationships since the divorce? This may be a factor. Maybe give it a bit more time? If you hold out on sex and his interest and attentiveness doesn't wane, you'll know he's not only looking for a shag at least.

If you hold out on sex and his interest and attentiveness doesn't wane, you'll know he's not only looking for a shag at least.

Disagree entirely. Blokes can wait a long time for sex and still lose interest afterwards.

Always decide when to have sex by how much you want it yourself and not on whether you think it will seal the deal on a relationship.

Ooh that sounds good. Fingers crossed he's one of the good ones. - nice kiss is a good thing.

@category12

If you hold out on sex and his interest and attentiveness doesn't wane, you'll know he's not only looking for a shag at least.

Disagree entirely. Blokes can wait a long time for sex and still lose interest afterwards.

Always decide when to have sex by how much you want it yourself and not on whether you think it will seal the deal on a relationship.

You're right, but losing interest usually stems from something else. Only an idiot would spend weeks and money and time on dates if they just wanted a shag. Or they are truly desperate but it sounds like OPs guy is a catch.

You're right, but losing interest usually stems from something else. Only an idiot would spend weeks and money and time on dates if they just wanted a shag. Or they are truly desperate but it sounds like OPs guy is a catch.

Nah, some chaps like the dating side of it, like fresh meat, might have a few other women he's dating as well, (perhaps some he sees for netflix & chill), modern dating means he isn't paying for everything, and they like the chase and ego boost of getting the person into bed.

@Viddy2021 he has been separated 3 years. Divorced for 2. Says his ex was a functioning alcoholic.

Said he had 1 long term (ish) relationship since. Few dates and short term fling

@category12 sex is only going to happen when I feel ready to do it with him. Think he is attracted to me, but told him to let things develop organically

@Ohnowhy2

Do you have children? Or, are you childfree by choice? I'm just curious if this is an aspect of your decision making...

very other week end is with his daughter, but once I meet her it will be easier

WTF?!?!

@Musttryharder2021 I have no kids, but happy to date guys how have. As long as they have amicable relationship with their ex

@Nasturs yip. My thoughts

When he says he’s “come off the apps” does that mean he’s not talking to or actively searching for anyone else? Or that’s he’s deleted his accounts entirely?

Personally I see no problem with the first one. Once I had a date planned and was talking to someone, I didn’t then pursue dates with others at the same time. Mainly for fear of getting them muddled up! But also because I prefer the idea of keeping things simple and respectful and don’t hold with the whole modern notion of many layers to dating from seeing each other, being exclusive, calling each other BF/GF etc - it’s all so unnecessary. If I like you, I’m with you.

In fact when I first met my DP I had a date booked with someone else. DP contacted me in the meantime and I told him I’d go on this other date and if that didn’t work out I’d be in touch. Luckily it didn’t work out!

Some men are very direct and transparent. Some men are genuine. My fella, I dont know when he said he'd come off OLD but it was early and he didn't like speaking to more than one person at a time. It made him uncomfortable. At the time I was a pretty bloody cynical woman, id spent 3 years dating and I'd heard it all. I'd typically have thought 'oh yeah, is this a line to get me to drop my defences'. With him, I didnt.

The thing is it could be your triggers going off without cause (it does happen, happens with me at times) or it could be him. Fact is you dont know. Either way the ground is a little shaky for a first meet no? It might help to try counselling, I reckon its great for anyone. Ypu could meet him again and see how you feel after, I think most people are worth meeting a second time. First impressions can be a bit shaky anyway.

The only thing that gives me pause is the double texting when you're busy. It obviously bothered you. To me it would also be a problem. Lack of awareness/respect for your seperate life. Listen to your gut, be objective, a second meet won't do any harm but consider it a way of properly gauging how you feel about him

Ah sorry didn't see the update.

Bloody hell . I'm flippin glad I'm not a bloke trying to date a women in these times. I don't think I have ever read such negative comments on what on the face of it appears to be a lovely, open and honest person !

There appears to be the attitude from, what I can only imagine are women with awful back stories - that 'all men are the same lying bastards' and to basically believe nothing of what you see or hear . It's all lies and he will make you miserable.

What happened to 'getting to know someone' ? How on earth can people even begin to judge a stranger third hand - after one date and 'advise against it ?' Surely this attitude will inevitably lead to a life time destined to living alone .

OP. Put the armchair psychology books down. For god sake stay away from the unbridled misandry on MN and just go out and ENJOY... and if you stop enjoying ... thats the time to move on.

@Finknottlesnewt OLD and in 40s this guy is a rare find. The amount of dates I have been on where the guy had not got his life together and was a gentleman is ridiculous.

I have been out with guys before who live bombed. I may be cynical, but hope he is as nice as he seems. Just keeping my guard up.

Keep your guard up by all means - but I have a close friend in her early 50s who does this thing where she expects every date to be an arsehole.. and if they aren't then it's because they are just 'hiding it' ...

Fine line between careful and paranoid.
Try and enjoy it for what it appears to be... and try to remember that 'men' are no more a homogeneous group than are 'women'.. all are different and worth a chance until proven otherwise.