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Original poster

Feeling guilty about dumping boyfriend

46 replies

Lucylouise348 · 17/11/2021 14:38

I have been seeing someone for about 5 months. He is 45 and a dad of two. I am 37, separated and have no children, although i am not upset about that. We met on a dating app and it got very intense very quickly. Sex is amazing. He is very kind and caring and says he loves me all the time.
But his lack of drive and ambition are a huge turn off for me. He has casual work which he does just a couple of days a week, hangs around at home and does the school run the rest of the time. Then he wonders why he struggles to pay his rent when be barely works. He has no plans for the future, is clearly not interested in working or making a career for himself. A huge contrast to me, i am successful, run my own business and work all hours. I also love my work and feeling accomplished.
He has had depression in the past and apparently 4 suicide attempts. I want to end it but i already know he will say he won't want to go on anymore etc. And that i have let him down (i have noticed he accuses everyone in his life of letting him down and has some kind of a victim mentality).

Anyway so i am thinking of telling him that i dont want to see him anymore because i just want to be alone and i am still recovering from the breakdown of my marriage and i am not ready etc. Rather than the truth which may get him even more down.

Any tips on how to handle this and break away as cleanly and painlessly as possible welcome!

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 17/11/2021 15:16

Does he have custody of his children?

You're not compatible and you're not responsible for his mental health. You also don't owe him an explanation, but if you want to tell him that you are still too shaky from your marriage ending, that's fine. Just don't let him argue the point.

AryaStarkWolf · 17/11/2021 15:19

Personally I'd find his emotional blackmail and blaming other people for his own state of mind much more of a turn off than the lack of ambition

Original poster
Lucylouise348 · 17/11/2021 15:23

@MissConductUS

Does he have custody of his children?

You're not compatible and you're not responsible for his mental health. You also don't owe him an explanation, but if you want to tell him that you are still too shaky from your marriage ending, that's fine. Just don't let him argue the point.

His children live with his ex wife but he sees them most days for school runs, after school things etc.
OP posts:
RosiePosieDozy · 17/11/2021 15:27

Just end it. You're not happy and you can end a relationship for any reason. Tell him whatever reason you want. And as a pp said, you are not responsible for his mental health. You need to think about yourself.

MissConductUS · 17/11/2021 15:29

So many women on MN post about work-shy men. I've never run into this in the US. I wonder if there's a cultural element.

CruCru · 17/11/2021 15:29

You are allowed to finish with a boyfriend for any reason you want - there are no legitimate or illegitimate reasons for breaking up with someone.

It’s only been five months. It’s not going to work out. If you want to tell a white lie to spare his feelings that is okay - but he may give you a load of emotional blackmail regardless.

You aren’t going to be able to meet his emotional needs long term.

Original poster
Lucylouise348 · 17/11/2021 15:29

@AryaStarkWolf

Personally I'd find his emotional blackmail and blaming other people for his own state of mind much more of a turn off than the lack of ambition
I also find that massively off putting. Although he did had somewhat of a traumatic childhood including being abandoned by parents, raising a young brother on his own and physical abuse. So i try and have sympathy for him but it has left him with a feeling of the world being against him and everyone letting him down.
OP posts:
samesign · 17/11/2021 19:36

From my experience and I have tried the I'm not ready excuse is him coming back later down the line hoping you'll be ready and try and change your mind about him and theres a chance he'll be seeing you back on the dating apps.

I'd say honestly, you're not feeling this relationship is for you, your outlook and plans for the future is different from his way of life, you think he is a great person and hope he meets the the right one for him.
Or something along these lines, honest but kindly.

Munchkinpumpkin · 17/11/2021 19:50

@MissConductUS

So many women on MN post about work-shy men. I've never run into this in the US. I wonder if there's a cultural element.
Oh come on..
category12 · 17/11/2021 19:54

It sounds like you've been lovebombed and now he's showing a ton of red flags.

Just break it off. He's not your responsibility.

MissConductUS · 17/11/2021 20:05

Oh come on..

There's very little social safety net here. Cash income support is only available to families with dependent children. No UC. There's very little social housing. Here if you don't work a full time job or cobble together two or more part time jobs, you will be very skint indeed.

category12 · 17/11/2021 20:07

Yeah well, start a debate about it on AIBU - this is relationships.

Original poster
Lucylouise348 · 17/11/2021 20:53

He doesn't have income support or social housing, but, and I am SO MORTIFIED to say this... I have lent him £1500 so he can pay rent since I've known him. Ugh, why!! I am such an idiot. The second time he asked to borrow money I knew I had to end it. He says he is expecting some money from his divorce 3 years ago "any day now".
I am so glad i wrote on here about this. Writing it down is so embarrassing! It's helping me see how awful this is.

Do I have to see him to break up? Can I not just text and turn phone off?!? I know that's cowardly but I can't bear the thought of seeing him. I don't really want to block him because i wouldn't put it past him to then turn up on the doorstep crying or something.

OP posts:
samesign · 17/11/2021 21:09

Even less reason feel guilty about ending it, he really shouldn't of been asking to borrow money from you and all you can do is learn from that, sadly I doubt you'll get your money back. I'd just send a message ending it.

category12 · 17/11/2021 21:09

Of course you can just text. Whatever gets the job done. I'm not a big fan of making things more of an ordeal than they have to be.

Original poster
Lucylouise348 · 17/11/2021 21:11

I would gladly let him keep the money if it meant he just quietly accepted its over and didn't cause a drama. I have a feeling he won't though.

OP posts:
chonkybuoy · 17/11/2021 21:15

Of course you don't have to see him in person.

Send him an emailing explaining and ask him not to contact you again if he persists.

If he continues to persist then block him.

samesign · 17/11/2021 21:17

If there's any drama, just block him, you don't need to put up with him after only 5 months of being with him. Sounds like he's taken advantage of your kindness, you owe him nothing, time to toughen up!

Munchkinpumpkin · 17/11/2021 21:19

@MissConductUS

Oh come on..

There's very little social safety net here. Cash income support is only available to families with dependent children. No UC. There's very little social housing. Here if you don't work a full time job or cobble together two or more part time jobs, you will be very skint indeed.

Yh its the same here.. single men have very little support from UC and no option for housing
BruiserWoods · 17/11/2021 21:19

oh he sounds awful. I thought that before I got to the four suicide attempts. That's just too much.

He's not your responsibility.

BruiserWoods · 17/11/2021 21:22

Hopefully if you send him a text to say ''we're really walking on different pages, I'm just happy to be happy, I can't support you. But consider the debt written off. Good luck''

RoseRedRoseBlue · 17/11/2021 21:26

OP, you know what you have to do here. DO NOT be sucked into the emotional blackmail of suicide threats, it’s massively abusive behaviour.

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2021 21:34

He sounds like a manipulative wanker op.

Don't say that shit about not being over your ex. He will use that as an 'in' to keep pushing you yo take him back. Just tell him you are not feeling it relationship wise. Don't make it a you issue. Because it isn't. But just don't go into details. 'Sorry but this isn't working for me'. At a push you could add 'we are very different people'.

Dont be drawn into convo on it. Dump him (by text is fine considering he is manipupative) and then block him.

Pinkbonbon · 17/11/2021 21:37

Also, if you have written evidence of the loan then you can take him to small claims court.

Original poster
Lucylouise348 · 17/11/2021 21:39

He told me a couple of months back that when he split up with his ex girlfriend he went to the railway bridge with some vodka, almost jumped off. I remember massive alarm bells in my head but still I carried on seeing him. Good grief. He is going to be really dramatic about it. He is very intense. Texts me dozens of times a day, says he loves me, can't stop thinking about me, we are perfect for each other, can't imagine life without me etc. Marriage and kids mentioned too!
He is also very jealous and whenever i told him i'd been out somewhere he would ask if any men were there. I told him he was really pissing me off by asking that and to stop and he did, but I know he still thinks like that.
Oh dear, i have got myself into a right mess. This is going to be horrible i think.

OP posts: