Feeling guilty about dumping boyfriend

[Lucylouise348]

I have been seeing someone for about 5 months. He is 45 and a dad of two. I am 37, separated and have no children, although i am not upset about that. We met on a dating app and it got very intense very quickly. Sex is amazing. He is very kind and caring and says he loves me all the time.
But his lack of drive and ambition are a huge turn off for me. He has casual work which he does just a couple of days a week, hangs around at home and does the school run the rest of the time. Then he wonders why he struggles to pay his rent when be barely works. He has no plans for the future, is clearly not interested in working or making a career for himself. A huge contrast to me, i am successful, run my own business and work all hours. I also love my work and feeling accomplished.
He has had depression in the past and apparently 4 suicide attempts. I want to end it but i already know he will say he won't want to go on anymore etc. And that i have let him down (i have noticed he accuses everyone in his life of letting him down and has some kind of a victim mentality).

Anyway so i am thinking of telling him that i dont want to see him anymore because i just want to be alone and i am still recovering from the breakdown of my marriage and i am not ready etc. Rather than the truth which may get him even more down.

Any tips on how to handle this and break away as cleanly and painlessly as possible welcome!

I always enjoy your comments @category12.

Glad you’ve seen the light by writing here. There is no reason to feel guilty, just text him and say it’s no longer working so end of.

Then either ignore his calls or block him.

@Lucylouise348, it will be a lot less horrible if you draw the line and take control of the situation.

He's basically an absolute lunatic. You do realise he probably just told you that suicide shit to shit you up though. Cotrolling assholes often threaten suicide. It's a trump card they have to make you scared to leave them.

If he does manage to contact you after you message him and then block and threatens it then dont reply but call the police and inform them what's what. They can make a decision as to whether or not to send an ambulance. And if he is wasting police time they will pull him up on it. Leave it with them.

But definately dump, delete and block him on everything. If he shows up to your house, do not answer the door.

Frankly he sounds awful. Break up by saying as little as you can and don't give him anything to come back on. Block and be prepared for him to turn up on your doorstep. Have a speech ready repeating unemotionally what you said in your text. Good luck - I can understand why you are worrying about this.

@BruiserWoods

Hopefully if you send him a text to say ''we're really walking on different pages, I'm just happy to be happy, I can't support you. But consider the debt written off. Good luck''

Don't send this. It doesn't really make any sense and isn't definitive enough. You don't have to be rude and blunt but you do need to be clear.

"I've been thinking and this relationship isn't working for me anymore. Please respect my decision as I've considered it properly and it is final. I wish you the best but will be blocking you now as it's healthier to have a clean break."

Then block and cease all contact.

I know that sounds harsh but he's clearly manipulative (hence him lining up stories that he knows would make you less likely to break up with him) and if you give him anything softer, he'll run with it and go back and forth for weeks on end.

@MissConductUS

So many women on MN post about work-shy men. I've never run into this in the US. I wonder if there's a cultural element.

I don’t know any workshy men at all. You can’t really judge a whole culture from a few MN posts… can you really????

@MissConductUS

Oh come on..

There's very little social safety net here. Cash income support is only available to families with dependent children. No UC. There's very little social housing. Here if you don't work a full time job or cobble together two or more part time jobs, you will be very skint indeed.

I think The US has other massive issues…. Best take off your rose colored specs and perhaps comment on the OP’s issue which is her partner rather than trying and failing to wind up the British. Thank you.

@Lucylouise348 I understand how anxious you are BUT you are NOT responsible for his state of mind.

If you let this drag on, you will be paying his rent for another 6 months or worse still, he will ask to move in with you and then become your cocklodger.

Lots of men (including my EXH) say they will kill themselves but they do not really mean this, it is a way of keeping women emotionally attached as women are known as being the "maternal" ones.

Do as others have suggested and end this now. Ignore all the bleating from him. Block him once you have done this.

I wish you lots of courage and good luck and you have got this!!!

You must have known all this within the first month, why wait until now and make it so hard for him?

@SnoringPup

You must have known all this within the first month, why wait until now and make it so hard for him?

Because @Lucylouise348 is a nice person? Because the OP wanted to see the better side of him? Because WOMEN are conditioned to be "nice". The OP owes this person nothing.

Goodness me, why wait as it might make it hard for him? Mind boggles...

I have found the perefct answer to threats of suicide:

"I would be very sorry if you chose to do that, but you have the right to decide what to do with your life"

It bounces the responsibility back to them and it shows them you won't be played with.

@aurynne

I have found the perefct answer to threats of suicide:

"I would be very sorry if you chose to do that, but you have the right to decide what to do with your life"

It bounces the responsibility back to them and it shows them you won't be played with.

This.

I’ve used a variant of that in the past and it totally takes the wind from their sails and shows then the manipulation won’t work.

“Gosh I hope you don’t do that but ultimately it’s your decision whether or not you do”.

I also find that massively off putting. Although he did had somewhat of a traumatic childhood including being abandoned by parents, raising a young brother on his own and physical abuse. So i try and have sympathy for him but it has left him with a feeling of the world being against him and everyone letting him down.

A lot of people have had difficult childhoods and of course I sympathise but there comes a point where you have to take responsibility for your adult life too, you can't blame your childhood forever

@AryaStarkWolf

I also find that massively off putting. Although he did had somewhat of a traumatic childhood including being abandoned by parents, raising a young brother on his own and physical abuse. So i try and have sympathy for him but it has left him with a feeling of the world being against him and everyone letting him down.

A lot of people have had difficult childhoods and of course I sympathise but there comes a point where you have to take responsibility for your adult life too, you can't blame your childhood forever

I completely agree. When I have challenged him before about not working etc I get the "you don't know what I've been through" guilt trip 🙄. My sympathy has run out now though.

I suspect the fastest way to break up with him will be to tell him you need the loan repaid urgently. No stress, no reasons or excuses.

@Thelnebriati

I suspect the fastest way to break up with him will be to tell him you need the loan repaid urgently. No stress, no reasons or excuses.

This, he'll disappear sharpish if you call in the loan.

@Thelnebriati

I suspect the fastest way to break up with him will be to tell him you need the loan repaid urgently. No stress, no reasons or excuses.

Definitely this.

Please be strong enough to go through with your plans to end - expect there to be a massive amount of pressure for a while but remain firm.

You can end a relationship for any reason you want to - however big or small.

You sound like a catch & tbh this chap just has too much other stuff going on (or not 😂) that frankly you don't need to get involved with the drama.

I'd be prepared to write off the £1500.

@Lucylouise348

He told me a couple of months back that when he split up with his ex girlfriend he went to the railway bridge with some vodka, almost jumped off. I remember massive alarm bells in my head but still I carried on seeing him. Good grief. He is going to be really dramatic about it. He is very intense. Texts me dozens of times a day, says he loves me, can't stop thinking about me, we are perfect for each other, can't imagine life without me etc. Marriage and kids mentioned too! He is also very jealous and whenever i told him i'd been out somewhere he would ask if any men were there. I told him he was really pissing me off by asking that and to stop and he did, but I know he still thinks like that. Oh dear, i have got myself into a right mess. This is going to be horrible i think.

FFS OP he sounds unbearable.

Also a massive cocklodger-in-waiting.

He's seen you coming, & reckons if he throws you enough manipulative bullshit you'll step up to be his next mealticket & roof provider.

It doesn't have to be horrible (for you, & you are the only one to think about right now).
Just text hom a Dear John, so sorry, not you it's me, not ready for relationship, wish you well blah blah bye."

He will respond with whining, suicide threats, insults, more love-bombing, &/or anger - take your pick. As soon as he does, you reply "I am dealing with my own issues right now so can't take on yours as well - suggest you do the same, all the best." AND BLOCK HIM.

If he gets persistent, send one final email or text so you have written evidence of harrassment. "I have repeatedly asked you to stop contacting me, your contact is unwelcome & must stop immediately."
You need that, as police can't take action until you have sent that unequivocal message. If he then continues to pester you - bingo.
You no longer have to deal with him, because the police will step in with a visit to tell him to desist.